Marriage not terrible but not that great either

[VacationRules]

I’m sorry if this turns out to be reeeeally long. I’m looking for some wise words or a bit of perspective on my situation.

On the face of it, I have a very lovely life. I’m mid-forties, I’ve been married for 13 years, three brilliant children, DH and I both have careers that we love, financially we’re comfortable. I couldn’t wish for a better father for my children. As a dad, he’s patient, loving, hands on… we get along well together, have a lot of the same tastes and interests. The trouble is, I just don’t think I love him.

When we got together, I was shortly out of a horrible, physically abusive relationship. By the time I realised how bad it was, I was too scared of him to leave so I stuck around longer than I should have, which took its toll on me. When I met DH, he was so different to my horrible ex that I thought I’d struck gold. We had a bit of a whirlwind romance really, got married and had children quite quickly. Which was great at the time and I think I was just craving the stability that all that would bring. But I can see now that we never had that spark. Whatever it is that turns a friendship into a relationship.

Part of the problem is our sex life. I don’t think we’re particularly compatible. DH is very, very conservative in his tastes and although I consider myself to be fairly vanilla, because I’ve never wanted to push him to do something he’s uncomfortable with, we’ve always defaulted to the handful of things that we both enjoy. It’s pretty much killed the enjoyment for me over the years and now it just feels like another thing on my to-do list. I think also, that because he doesn’t make me feel desirable, I’ve become a bit resentful. I’ve spend at least ten years having sex in the dark and I just find it soul destroying. We’ve spoken about this in the past but ultimately, I can neither make him desire me more, neither can I change his own tastes. We do still have sex but to be honest, if we stopped tomorrow, that would be ok with me.

There are other problems as well, around the splitting of housework/cooking but he’s not too bad and I think these could be fixed if I was generally happier in my marriage. As it is, I don’t really have the energy or the desire to fix them so it’s easier to just get on and accept that this is the way it is. The longer we’re together, the more difficult I find it to be around him. Annoying habits wind me up to the point that I become a ball of resentment and end up snapping at him. I know that to a point, this is how it is in a LTR, getting wound up and bickering about each other’s bad habits but I just can’t shake the feeling that if I loved him more, or if I loved him differently, I could live with all these little things that currently make me want to walk out the door and never come back.

As things stand at the moment, I seem to spend most of the time thinking about how much I’d love to live on my own, with a nice amicable 50/50 parenting arrangement. But as far as I’m aware, DH adores me and I can’t even imagine bringing this up with him. It would (for him) be completely out of the blue and it would rip my family apart. I think about how that conversation would go and there’s just no way I could do it to him. I think about how upset out families would be, how we would have to sell our house, how sad my children would be, how I would likely have to lose contact with several of my friends, the logistics of the school run, how stretched I’d be financially. Martyring myself feels like the only option.

Sorry, that really was quite long. I’ve probably missed out loads of really pertinent information as well. I suppose what I’m asking is has anyone ever got to this point and somehow managed to turn it around? If so, where did you find the will to do it? I just don’t think I care enough at the moment. Or has anyone ever walked out of a marriage like this, where it wasn’t exactly bad but it wasn’t great either? I’m just at a loss. The guilt of feeling like this is tearing me up and I’m so, so sad about the whole situation.

This is where I'm heading towards - you're not alone op xx

I've made a decision today that I need to have the talk with my DH. I have no idea how or when it's going to happen. We go on holiday next week so do I tell him before during or after? Should I wait until our DD moves out? Which could be a couple of years yet.

I don't know what to do. I need to tell him that I'm not attracted to him any more and that sex just isn't going to happen any more. He's going to ask if there's someone else. There's no way I'm telling him that there was someone else briefly and that I'm still attracted to them. I just can't. If I leave it's definitely NOT for the OM. Because thats most definitely over.

@VacationRules I want to apologise to you as this is your thread and I don't want to derail it (if that's the term).

Your OP resonated with me (and lots of others it seems) and it's a thread I wanted to start myself but didn't have the nerve. I thought I'd get a pasting.

Thank you for starting it as it's given me the push I needed.

You are not alone OP. I am very much in the same situation. In fact DH isn't here right now and I am so much happier.

Our issue is two fold. Sex and money. On the outside we are a happy family, we laugh and get on and everyone thinks we are happy. We are very financially comfortable to the outside world, but the reality is that DH is financially comfortable whereas I am managing my bills and the childrens expenses on a small salary. I feel like I have made huge sacrifices and these are not being reciprocated. Sexbis a problem because very much like the OP, DH is extremely Conservative and I want to be more adventurous. However we have gotten to the point where DH will only want sex when he has been drinking, and then can't finish it off, so he just rolls over and go to sleep.

3years ago DH had an emotional affair (although when I said that he laughed in my face). I was devastated and begged him to come back. He did (although only after I had started to move on) but now I am left wishing he hadn't. He refuses to even consider going to counselling and now that I have stopped bothering trying to get us to do stuff (days out, cinema, gig tickets) we do nothing. I can't be bothered any more.

I have painted him badly but he is a good man. But I know the Hury that the children went through last time, we would be much worse off financially and would have to move out if our lovely home. Our middle son has Severe Asd and would really suffer. But the thought of this for the next 10 years makes me want to curl up in a ball.

I have more hobbies now, and I am less worried about trying to please him. I also have a job I enjoy where as before I was a SAHM. I am about to start studying a degree by distance learning so that I can fulfil my own ambitions which he won't entertain.

I honestly didn't think there would be so many people in similar situations.

This is a form of social conditioning really, as women we aren't supposed to want/enjoy sex and intimacy and should be grateful that we have a man who is nice to us.

@Cambionome thanks for the hopeful post! Did you have any children? If so, how did they deal with it? This is the big thing holding me back at the moment so would really appreciate help with this.

Your posts talk a lot about his feelings and “sensitivity”. What about YOU?

His wishes and feelings are no more important than yours.

Nah GimmeBread, this is a thread for everyone. I'm sorry that we're all in this situation but it's helped hugely just to know that it's not just me.

I think the next step for me is to talk to someone in real life about this (although I'm struggling because most of our friends are mutual ones and my mum, although brilliant and really supportive, is having a hard time herself at the moment). Once I've done that though, I think it will make the whole situation real enough to bring it up with DH.

After that, I guess we figure out whether it's worth fighting for although I'm worried that I'll agree to things I don't really want to do just so as not to hurt him. It's very easy to see how I've got to this point when I'm so bloody scared of rocking the boat.

Cambionome your post gives me a lot of hope, thank you.

Vacation and teapot. I do have children but they are in their 20s. They are one of the main reasons why I stayed so long (over 20 years) and - to be honest - it is easier in some ways when your children are older. Problem is, in other ways everything is much more difficult!

It was easier to explain everything to them when I decided to leave my exh, and - because they already had their own lives - I don't think it all impacted on them as much as it would have done when they were tiny. However, I honestly think that being brought up with such a poor example of a marriage has had a bad effect on their ability to form and maintain relationships.

Leaving it for so long has also been detrimental for me as a person. My confidence and happiness have really suffered over the years, but I now feel so much stronger and more positive.

I would never tell anyone else that they "ought" to leave a relationship because every situation is different, but I would say that you should try not to be held back by fear of the unknown.

Remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.

Also: life shrinks and expands according to one's courage.

(Sorry if that all sounds very trite, but those two sayings really helped me a year ago!)

Just to add, my exh was never abusive but we were just so out of step with each other; the whole marriage was... disappointing. And dull. (For him as well as me, I suspect.)

Just joining thread, feeling the same as others. Unfortunately I am SAHM so I need to change thus before I can leave

Thanks @cambionome - very helpful.

Welcome @chuckiecheese - so sad that there are so many of us in the same boat

Same here... not financially independent, but even if I was I'm not sure I'd have the guts to leave... I don't hate him - yet, but I'm sure that feeling is not too far away . Kids leaving home in a couple of years , I think that'll be the catalyst to decide one way or the other . Hugs to the so many of us feeling this way

While I'm sad other people feel like this, I'm pleased it's not just me!
Our life was amazing, then DP just had a meltdown one day, and since then it's just shit. We went to counselling and all sorts for his newly diagnosed depression and anger issues, I loved him so much and wanted to help him get back to how he used to be, but it's just miserable now.
He's not angry anymore, and about 9 months of anti depressants sorted him out on the surface, but we can't seem to get back to where we were. We have better jobs, DD is 2 and less demanding than a newborn which is when the problems started, our house is lovley and there is no reason for us to be unhappy, but I am.
He's put on so much weight that he's now morbidly obese, so our sex life is practically dead, but he blames me for the lack of interest, rather than wondering why that could be. I worked so hard to lose my baby weight so that I'd still look good (mostly for him), but he won't diet.
He is thoughtless, self centred, bad with money, has no self control and very easily hurt. I blame MIL for all of those things but as our therapist said, he needs to own his behaviour and improve.
Basically, he's not the same man I fell in love with 9 years ago... I know it's not really his fault and he was prepared to try everything to fix it... but things slip back into the easy and the miserable, and I'm just exhausted trying.
We make it work for DD, but I know when she's older I'll regret not leaving, and wasting my life on DP.

So many of us in the same position. One thing that really gets to me is how oblivious DH seems to be to how I’m feeling. It’s like he lives in a bubble. And that if I actually spelt it out for him, how I felt, he would be so shocked and see it as being “out of the blue”. Makes me so sad.

When I once actually decided to talk to DH about some of this and told him I wasn't happy, it turned out he was well aware of that. Kind of pisses me off that he knew, never said anything and never tried to do anything until I basically said I don't know if I want to carry on.

Now he's dieting (he is a lot bigger than when we met), keeps tidier as he tends to shave once every few months else, has actually been and bought a sander and some paint and has started the hallway. Nothing ever gets done without me saying it, usually repeatedly. So I can see he is making an effort. He suggested we have counselling and go out just the 2 of us, but I honestly just don't want to. I know I can't change my feelings and I can't force myself to fancy him again and no amount of counselling and time together is going to change that.

I met up with a friend today who is in the same boat but further along the line, and she instantly knew I wasn't happy and said so. We had a good talk (she was already aware) and we are making plans to do some stuff as I am fed up as my life is work and school run and little else. I need some bloody fun and she is exactly the person I need it with. Plus her being in the same position really helps as I have someone in RL to offload to.

@Aspie- so lucky you have someone IRL to see you through this! Enjoy your nights out nd letting your hair down!

Thanks @shinyteapot, I definitely will do (as much as my aspergers will let me ).

I am in the same situation. I dearly love my DH but he doesn't make me feel wanted or loved. We haven't had sex in years, married for 21 years. He has ED. We have been to marriage counseling and made some progress but due to the counselor being ill have had a break and things seem to have gone down hill for me at least.

The lack of intimacy has done terrible things to my self esteem to the point I wouldn't want anyone else if my DH doesn't desire me.

I could never introduce my DC to a man who wasn't their father.

I am in torment. I too have a lovely home and on the outside seem to have everything.

My DH has chosen to sleep in a spare bed tonight after I pointed out he does not care for or support me and it is the final push I need to end the relationship.

But then I went to join him while he was asleep and cuddled him.

I am in such torment and anguish. He is a good man and brilliant dad, helpful and kind but is cold to me. He says he has to protect himself, so is that way as a defence.

I am sorry for saying I want to end the relationship now.

I am in the same situation too. I'll probably regret posting this. Have name changed, obviously.

DH is a good man in just about every way. He has high moral standards. Only wants me to be happy. We have little to talk about - he is not a talker. I like to discuss and debate. This has never happened. Mostly we talk about the DC or I pretend to care about his hobby talk while he no doubt is feigning interest while I talk about my completely different hobbies. I seem to have set this pattern of being completely emotionally independent from DH, almost right from the start. He has referred to this and seems happy with it I now realise that this was born out of utter incompatibility

I came to this relationship with extremely little experience sexually, despite being late 20s. I feel so cheated: I have never had an orgasm with him and very early on he seemed to accept this as fine and now doesn't even try. This is now the accepted pattern for sex. Which we now haven't had for months.

He also seems to have no idea that I am in the throes of an emotional affair with my male best friend, which to my shame has turned slightly physical. He is also married and extremely sexual. I have become obsessed with the thought of him having great sex with his wife. Though I think to be married to him would be to have to tolerate endless advances - maybe there is no 'good' way to be

These recent events have led to me trying to make more effort to reconnect with DH sexually, which have been an utter fucking disaster. I have tried to be honest about wanting to try different things; this hasn't happened. I have tried to say what I want and why I would like to be closer; nothing has changed. I told him I used to cry after sex as I felt so unfulfilled; this one kept him awake all night thinking but ultimately nothing has changed.

Our last contact, about two months ago: after a night out with friends, including male best friend, I drunkenly checked with him that he knew I have never orgasmed with him (he did) and asked if the roles were reversed, would he think it fair? He got cross and told me to go to sleep and that. Was. It. I have decided that until he broaches the subject, I have had it with the whole fucking shitshow.

Reading back over this, I feel even more ashamed. Compared to everyone else on this thread, I am self-obsessed and selfish. Obsessed with sex. And my male best friend. I can live this life if I have to, but I do very much wish I didn't.

May I suggest you guys read John Gottman and Dr Willard Harley's books? Go google their credentials....
Unless there is dv/ev, I'd try your best to really try and find a solution.

As someone who was married nearly 18 years, 20 years together and now divorced, dating is a nightmare. The pool of daters is smaller and more than enough oddballs around.

Good luck

Yes, the very thought of joining the dating game, online or otherwise, is enough to put me off as I'm in my 50s!

Also I know that my DH would be snapped up in seconds should he be available.

He is very loyal, hardworking and helpful around the house. Just emotionally not with me at the moment; and sexually: well he did agree to come to Relate with me although that has stalled.

I honestly think I need to count my blessings and accept I can't have everything we want in life.

There's no way I could put my happiness over that over my DC's.

Going to put my health first though, improve fitness, have fresh flowers, enjoy what there is to enjoy.

Try to make my DH happy so that it stops me being critical of him.

Have just had a message from him telling me how much he loves me so going to work on things between us: baby steps!

Funny how we approach life so differently and see things so differently.

Honestly, if there is still a spark try and fan it and not snuff it out X

Another one who is totally confused. It's all good round and round in my head.
Married 20 years, 3dc, youngest is 11.
I'm really not well, physically or mentally. I've withdrawn a bit. Dh knows but his attitude is to send me off to fix it ('see a dr') or to change my behavior as he finds it stressful. He doesn't want to see his behavior could also change. We don't really talk openly about it all. He's away for work and his parting words were 'use the time to think what you want from the relationship' I said we should talk when he came back and his response is I should change how I behave . I'm not horrid, I'm just sad and withdrawn, not lighthearted and fun all the time. But I'm going to work, doing all my housework, entertained his family at the weekend. I'm physically not well either, exhausted, dizzy peri menopausal. He knows this, I've supported him through worse and am mighty pissed off at his reaction. Some of his behavior is like the men on aspergus thread. I'm left here with 3dc to care for. I'm going from anger to tears.

Another one joining the discussion .
After months of reading posts from women who are distraught at their DH leaving, I have finally found something that reflects my position.

I last had a conversation with my DH a few weeks back where we both acknowledged I am not happy. Could not get to the point of saying why. We don't have sex, it bothers him but accepts that I am "just not feeling it". He thinks I mean in general. I don't ...

I feel selfish for wanting to do just what I want - as someone upthread said, I would absolutely take my cake and eat it - keep the family unit in tact but have 50% if my time to do whatever I wanted. Including being with someone else.

He is not a bad man and does not deserve to be treated poorly.

I don't know what to do
Well, I do...but the thought of doing it makes me feel a bit sick.
The thought of everything staying as it is makes me feel utterly overwhelmed with sadness