Trauma bonding

[Missmadge]

Hi all,I’m new here and tbh barely holding it together.Long story short I was with my ex for two years,we don’t live together or share children but it was toxic from about 4 weeks in,he grabbed my face so bad he bruised me but said he never hit me so alls good.fast forward to Saturday and he beat me severely in the street after losing it because I dared question him on something.people stood and watched and he simply walked away and left me there.I fled and heard nothing since.im in absolute pieces because he hasn’t tried to contact me but why do I care about the vile piece of shit.Im sat here broken inside and out crying over this loser who made false promises and lied over and over and in my shame I’ve tried to text and ring him and it’s him blanking me,what the hell is wrong with me?? I hate myself for being so weak but I’m obsessing over what he’s doing and with who,I’m a mess xxx

I really don't know anything to say that will help here. But for nearly two years he has been controlling you and conditioning you to consider him before yourself. You would have bend over backwards to try and be perfect for him, to try and fix him with your love and loyalty. He became your everything as he isolated you from family and friends and now he is punishing you by withdrawing contact. Your afraid, alone and feeling abandoned by the person who has dominated your life and thoughts for two years. You are a mess because HE made you a mess. Deliberately!

Please, please see this as an opportunity to get free. He hurt you in private, he has beaten you in public. He is no longer hiding his violence. He has totally lost control. Eventually he will kill you!

If you cannot trust yourself to break away then you need to contact your family and old friends. Let them help you. Reach out to Woman's Aid for help. Contact the police. Anyone who will help you stay away!

You should definitely contact the police, if he will beat you in public your life is in danger.

Seriously?

Thankyou so much I know he could have killed me,he choked me so hard my neck is bruised and it hurts to swallow.I can’t prosecute the bastard this time as there is a restraining order in place and I went to him,I’ve also been warned by social services to end my relationship or risk my kids being taken and I’m disgusted because I still went to him,he does live 200 miles away so my kids were nowhere near him but I still chose to go to him.Im so numb right now but the signs were there from the first 6 weeks where he grabbed me and locked me in my own home for looking at another man.He has major issues with women but I just can’t stop thinking about him and can’t believe me he won’t try to contact me,I really meant that little to him? Xx

This man has stripped away your soul and made you need him like a drug. You WILL lose your children if you continue having anything to do with him, and ultimately you are in very real danger of losing your life. Change your numbers, locks, everything, and do everything in your power never to let him near you ever, ever again.

Can I just thankyou for replying it means more than you will ever know.Im so numb right now he has never gone that far before or withdrew contact for so long x

I have changed my mobile number today,he lives 200 miles away so I don’t feel immediately threatened,what hurts is that I’m wanting him to contact me??? And I don’t think he actually gives a shit he will replace me in a heartbeat,the one who proposed and told me he’d die for me but you’re right he is my drug and he knows exactly how to work me when I’m reality he’s a drug dealing lowlife with no real job,car or home he lives with his mum in her box room what a catch eh🤔 x

I am sorry missmadge but you have very serious problems if an incredibly violent, dangerous and abusive man is attractive to you. Are you getting any counseling or outside help? Have you done the Freedom Program with Woman’s Aid? Don’t you realize you could leave your children without their mother? That you could be murdered and that would your legacy to your children? Well done for changing your number but you need a lot more help, are you getting any?

Hi thanks for replying,I am aware I have serious issues as I’m desperate to hear from him and he’s still in my mind constantly.I was in therapy when I met him so I was vulnerable,I grew up watching my dad beat my mum but I don’t want the same cycle to continue.My children’s father never beat me but he was incredibly possessive and controlling to the point he bugged my phone so I know I’m attracted to losers and always need validation from men.ive contacted the freedom programme and they aren’t available until 28th August in my area.I also contacted my local women’s aid group who told me they have a course starting in September hopefully.Its just getting through these first few days,I’m obsessed with the image he’s with another woman already and I don’t know why?? X

You need to stop feeling like a helpless addict. He has no control over you whatsoever. You're not dependent on him for anything.

You're in control. You're choosing to chase him and break restraining orders and put yourself at risk. Only you can decide to put your children first.

I am sorry MissMadge I don’t want you feel I am judging you, I am just so horrified that you are not repelled by his behaviour but after explaining your background it does make more sense, unfortunately.

He has become an addiction as a previous poster said and you agreed with. The worst thing you can do with an addiction is feed it. If you see him as a drug you have to know he is a TOXIC drug, the high you might get from being with him could come at the expense of your own life. Every time you have obsessive thoughts about him think about your children and how much you love them and you want to protect them from the kind of life you had as a small child.

You could also write out a sheet split into half. On one side write down all the positives you will gain from being away from him such as: physical safety, control over your own life, peace of mind, your children, no need to call the police or social services etc. on the other write down all the negatives that being with him will bring to you: possibly death, serious injury, mental anguish, loss of your children, no peace of mind, loss of control over your own life, a man that doesn’t care about you enough to protect you etc.

Please keep away from him and learn what it means to have a truly loving relationship.

Mismadge - don’t let this piece of shit ruin your life or kill you. Did you contact him? Does he know where you live?
You took him to court already and have a restraining order.
You need to protect your kids and yourself.
Sorry you need more than the freedom programme - do the course by all means BUT you need long term therapy. Psychotherapy May be useful - it will go over your childhood and make links between the present and the past.
He disappeared because he’s shit scared you will go to the police. You should really. He needs to be charged and locked up. If social services find out - yes your children will be at risk.
He’s very dangerous.
If a person in the street hit you - what would you do? Keep going back and get assaulted by them again and again.
What if it was happenening to one of your adult children? What would you tell them? “Oh it’s ok - he will come back in a few weeks and assault you again”
These men DO NOT CHANGE - the research is clear.
He does not love you. I’m sorry - YOU need to find your anger.
Please stay away from him.
Post on here when you have the urge to contact him.
You keep going back to something that’s familiar - ie him and the way he treats you - like you saw in your own poor childhood.
IT IS NOT NORMAL.
Put your children first over your needs.
I say this with compassion and concern.

All replies welcome and I know I’m not dependant on him but I’m devastated I’ve lost him it’s how I feel I can’t help that.I have no intention of getting back with him but I just hoped he loved me deep down and would try to contact me to see how I am that hurts the most.He hasn’t been around my kids since April but as others have pointed out he could kill their mum if I continue to see him even though they are safe,in two years we have never not spoke for this long,it hurts deeply

I'm going to be very harsh here and I feel like crying for you.

You're right. He doesn't love or care for you. He never has and he never will. He's not capable of either. Not for you, not the women before you or the one after you. You should be pitying any woman his is with now, she has about four weeks before he starts hurting her. How can you be jealous of that? All you are to him is a punch bag. And a willing punch bag at that.

If you contact him you WILL get back with him. He WILL manipulative you into allowing him back into your life and your home. You WILL lose your children one way or another. Either they will be taken into care for their own safety, and rightly so. Or he will kill you.

He doesn't love you, and it doesn't seem like you love yourself either. But your children love you!! You are everything to them. Are you willing to fuck their lives up, like yours was? Or even worse? Do you not love them more than your addiction to this wanker?

Please please stop this now. You can control your self. You can control that self sabotaging voice that tells you to phone him. You are not powerless. You are loved and cared for and wanted and needed. But not by him.

You can stop this. And look back in a year, proud that you broke away. Proud to have put your children and their future first. Proud to have sought help and beaten your demons. Proud that you gave yourself time to learn to love yourself.

Thankyou all so much for the brutally honest replies.There have been times I’ve been with him in “happier” times and thought why the hell am I with you,he’s a thick uneducated entitled victim and I truly hate what he’s done to me and my kids,my focus has been on him and not them.i snapped my sim and don’t have a landline so I cannot contact him unless I use my kids phones which I won’t do.The nail has been hit on the head,I don’t love myself or value myself and as for growing up with abuse,I was confused because I was a Daddy’s girl and always excused him beating my mum,even blamed her.I need help big time I know.Im scared of being on my own at the age of 41 but I’ve no reason to,ive got a nice home and three gorgeous children who are growing into lovely well adjusted adults by some miracle.I do owe it to them and myself to choose happiness xxx

The funny thing is I’ve contacted him by text and rang him and he cut me off.He is blanking me,the ultimate final insult but he won’t win because I won’t go back to him,ever.much love xxx

Perhaps having your kids removed by Social Services will focus your mind ?

Just a thought.

They said they’d remove my kids if he was around them,he hasn’t been near my home since April.I go to him in London,I live 200 miles away but even though they maybe safe Im not keeping myself safe so I know what I have to do and I’ll do it,I got over losing my Dad I’ll get over this lowlife piece of shit x

You need to call the police and report him. The fact you have breached the restraining order only means he cannot be prosecuted for breaching it but he can still be charged with assault. Would any of the witnesses provide a statement?
You have spent 2 years pleasing this man to be rewarded by him being nice and its very difficult to get out of that way of thinking. Him suddenly stopping contact with you sounds like he is narcissistic. They thrive on trauma bonds but actually are incapable of actually caring about others.
You can find most of the freedom project online, try and read some and find your exes type, you'll start to see through his facade and understand why you feel how you feel. Good luck.

The so called men who witnessed the assault couldn’t care less,they basically watched and sniggered while stood with their big bad dogs,the area he’s from seems very gang related where I think they view women as being a pest and need keeping in line,his brothers are the same and his own mother was beaten senseless by various men.Its high crime area and they just hang around dealing and smoking weed,lowest of the low tbh I’m embaraased even typing this out as he’s younger than me and was very immature but I always considered myself better than him in looks and personality,he frequently told me I was out of his league.Its a big mess and I’m lucky to be out of the hellhole in one piece

@Missmadge

I don't pretend to be an expert but your post made me very sad for you. This is the advice I would offer:

1. Try to breathe deeply and think of yourself. Ask 'how is my body feeling?' Actively try to divert your thoughts towards yourself.
2. I know you rang Women's Aid. What about ringing the Samaritans? Talk talk abs talk some more.
3. Believe me when I say it will get better. It's possible to be with someone who wouldn't lay a finger on you ever. Believe me when I say if you get through the next few days, you can leave this man.

You are strong. Keep breathing deeply and say over and over to yourself 'I cannot be with X ever again. I cannot be with anyone who harms me physically.'

Really rooting for you.

Yes he had lots of narcissistic traits aswell as being a pathological lying fantasisit.He had a shit upbringing but would tell silly lies to big himself up then forget what he’s said as he was too thick to remember what he’d lied about lol the more I write down how he was the more I see what an actual loser he is

'Talk talk and talk some more' is what I meant to write.

I can’t thank u all enough for replying to me,I feel better having read the comments,it’s two days since it happened and no contact which is a big deal to me as we spoke everyday all day unless he was “punishing” me for something x

I hope in the next few days as I get stronger I’ll be able to return the favour and offer someone advice who maybe in desperate need.As it is I’m getting by hour by hour,my body is aching and I just want to sleep,I haven’t slept properly for almost two years now x