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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trauma bonding

115 replies

Missmadge · 20/08/2018 17:49

Hi all,I’m new here and tbh barely holding it together.Long story short I was with my ex for two years,we don’t live together or share children but it was toxic from about 4 weeks in,he grabbed my face so bad he bruised me but said he never hit me so alls good.fast forward to Saturday and he beat me severely in the street after losing it because I dared question him on something.people stood and watched and he simply walked away and left me there.I fled and heard nothing since.im in absolute pieces because he hasn’t tried to contact me but why do I care about the vile piece of shit.Im sat here broken inside and out crying over this loser who made false promises and lied over and over and in my shame I’ve tried to text and ring him and it’s him blanking me,what the hell is wrong with me?? I hate myself for being so weak but I’m obsessing over what he’s doing and with who,I’m a mess xxx

OP posts:
Isitovernow · 20/08/2018 21:21

Stay strong. You can and will do this. Flowers

Thingsdogetbetter · 20/08/2018 21:22

You have made me, a complete stranger, really happy. I can see a light at the end of your tunnel and it's made my evening.

Please keep this up. Arrange counselling, reach out for support. Love yourself and stay strong. 41 only half way through your life, think of all you can accomplish in the next half. All the fun you can have, all the smiles and laughter. All the good night's sleep!!!

Corcra · 20/08/2018 21:39

Hi.
I’m so sad reading this. I want to wrap you up and mind you. I want you to love yourself and never let anyone treat you this way. I want you to know that you have worked hard to create a safe and loving environment for you and your kids and you deserve that.
Please take all the support you can get. Any counseling, women’s aid. Any friends or family ?
Focus on positivity and your life.
Meditation is an amazing tool. I wish you strength and happiness.

Movablefeast · 20/08/2018 21:52

Missmadge there is clearly a belief system within you that is attracted to what is familiar. The fact that you seem to actually have been strongly bonded with your dad and would prefer him to your mum as a child (probably a survival mechanism) despite the fact that he was a violent abuser is most likely causing your attraction to toxic men. It is what you expect and are familiar with.

You will need to radically work on yourself and actively reject your belief system or bring it into your conscious mind. We often don’t understand sexual attraction and it seems it is that element that is holding you, a desire to be bonded with someone who is fact violently rejecting you.

There are hundreds of thousands of men out there who would never lay a finger on you and you need to change your mindset so that you find them attractive. I have been married for 22 years and my husband has never been aggressive or violent to me ever, in fact it is very rare he even raise his voice in an argument. He has also never verbally or emotionally abused me or humiliated me.

You were right about one thing you were too good for this man. It sounds like you are very capable and thankfully have done a good job raising your children. You now need to turn to the child within yourself that is trying to bond with violent men to survive and help her to heal and mature and understand how to find and be attracted to healthy, sane men capable of a mature loving relationship.

Allthatsnot · 20/08/2018 22:05

@Missmadge
We could actually have the same ex even down to the bad childhood and not hitting but more than happy to strangle me as long as he doesn't hit.

Mine had moved his next victim in within two months of me ending the relationship and going no contact.
Stay no contact, its hard, its still hard for me almost 3 years on as he is my Achilles heel, I would never trust myself to be around him even now.
The person you loved never existed, grieve for him and yourself but stay strong and don't go back, he will never change, he isn't
capable and he doesn't want to.
It gets so much better, anything is better than living like that.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 20/08/2018 22:20

Are you dealing drugs for him? Was he using you to store them at your home?

Yeah he beat you because he knows you wouldn’t dare report it or you’d lose your kids. You know and he knows the police will report straight to SS

You need to grow up. You have got your kids to think of and I dread to think what male role models they have had in their life this far.

You think they are well adjusted? Just wait until they are adults and they start being attracted to abusers or even become one

It’s what happened to you and what happened to your ex

That is why SS try to stop the cycle because it literally becomes a family trait, your parents, their parents, you and next your kids

Have some self respect. If you go near this man once more you actions show where your priorities lie and it isn’t with your kids

I wonder where they thought you were when you visited him last time? And came home battered and bruised.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 20/08/2018 22:22

Reading my post back it seems harsh. I am trying to stand up for your children and help you realise the reality of your actions

Renarde1975 · 20/08/2018 22:55

He's a Narc. Noq question. And a fucking nasty one at that.

Those two women that die every week? It's at the hands of lesser Narcs (low functioning ones) that lash out.

You were incredibly lucky that he chose to disengage when you did. I'm very worried for you.

So bit of the old tough love my lovely.

1 - He did NOT love you. He is actually incapable of love. He has no empathy and no conscience. He is also very VERY stupid.

2 - There is already another woman on the scene and that is why he disengaged.

3 - If you do not start a full No Contact, he will be back. You MUST resist for the sake of your children and your own life.

PM me if you need me. I'm thinking of you. Flowers

Mary1935 · 20/08/2018 23:13

Mismadge NO wonder you can’t move over him when you are contacting him every single bloody day. NO CONTACT and lots of therapy. Don’t go near another man until you can sort yourself out. I wish you well.

Original poster
Missmadge · 21/08/2018 07:09

Day 3 just woke up in a cold sweat,reading these replies has helped enormously,I’m still in a mess but 100 percent postitive I will not contact him again

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Original poster
Missmadge · 21/08/2018 07:13

I’m still in shock I think,I can’t even cry but I’m focusing on my kids,he was my first relationship after my children’s father who I was with 17 years but they do deserve more and the older two know he did this to me so I have to stay strong and show them it’s not acceptable especially to my 15yr old daughter x

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Renarde1975 · 21/08/2018 09:40

Hi OP. Just re-read the thread.

You are absolutely correct when you say the roots of this are in your childhood. As I've said; you were targeted because of your own Empathic traits.

It's essential that you try to resist contacting him - you will never get any answers anyway; it was all about N supply.

The other fact is that you will now be highly vulnerable to picking up another unless you know who and what you are.

Not slept properly for two years! Oh my!

Go to the Drs and ask for a short term course of sleeping tablets. Then at least you can get rest and then you will be able to think. I suspect you are also suffering from anxiety. I really would go and get a proper check up.

Original poster
Missmadge · 21/08/2018 10:13

I haven’t tried to contact him since yesterday and I won’t,I do sleep it’s just broken every night I wake up every couple of hours.Its killing me this

OP posts:
Isitovernow · 21/08/2018 17:15

@Missmadge

You're doing great. Stick with this. With each day, it will get easier. Keep reminding yourself that no good could ever come from ever contacting him ever again. Flowers

Mummacake · 21/08/2018 18:51

Maybe step back and consider what advice you would give your daughter if she was in such a dangerous and damaging 'relationship'. I'm sure as a mother you would want her as far away from it as possible- on every level. Block his number on everything - including the kids phones. There is no need for you to contact him again. As already said and it us harsh but also true - he doesn't and didn't loce you. Men like this are incapable of love. They can only use, abuse & destroy. You & your family have a bright future ahead - close the door on this.

Original poster
Missmadge · 21/08/2018 19:00

I’m so happy he’s been arrested everyone.Not for this assault but for breaching his restraining order and threatening me along with dealing of drugs hahahahahah karma hope he gets a good couple of years xx

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AnyFucker · 22/08/2018 08:18

Good luck, op

Your future, and that of your kids, is in your hands now.

Movablefeast · 22/08/2018 17:19

Well at the very least you should finally have some literal physical boundaries in place (prison walls) to prevent you from running to him. Please put this man firmly into your past and take control of your future.

Changedname220 · 22/08/2018 22:49

How do you know he’s been arrested?

Also how did he break his restraining order if you went to him ? How did the authorities find out ?

Original poster
Missmadge · 22/08/2018 22:55

Hi again,my social worker informed me he’d been arrested and was in custody for previously breaking his restraining order in July.police have no clue about this assault as I haven’t told them.Im so proud of myself as I haven’t tried to contact him I know he won’t be kept in probably released then given a court date for later but these few days hasn’t given me space to think and absorb it all.I still miss him like his voice and his smell but no I don’t miss the beatings,the lies,the verbal abuse,I’m better than all of that I know x

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Original poster
Missmadge · 22/08/2018 22:56

Even if I ever did go to him it’s him who has the restraining order not me

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Changedname220 · 22/08/2018 23:12

What did he do to break it in July. Just confused as you say you go to him 200 miles away

AnyFucker · 23/08/2018 06:54

You really should have disclosed the latest beating he gave you

No matter. As long as you never have contact with him again.

Original poster
Missmadge · 23/08/2018 12:15

I want to report to he beating but I can’t I don’t know what to do I was basically told to stay away by social services and I went to him so how can I tell anyone now

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Original poster
Missmadge · 23/08/2018 12:17

IF I report him will they take my kids.i signed a statement to say I would end my relationship and I didn’t I went to see him so I’m stuck and he gets away with it.he was arrested Sunday for breaching the restraining order in July for threatening me on text that I reported,he’s out now because he text me bragging they won’t do anything it’s all my own fault x

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