Trauma bonding

[Missmadge]

Hi all,I’m new here and tbh barely holding it together.Long story short I was with my ex for two years,we don’t live together or share children but it was toxic from about 4 weeks in,he grabbed my face so bad he bruised me but said he never hit me so alls good.fast forward to Saturday and he beat me severely in the street after losing it because I dared question him on something.people stood and watched and he simply walked away and left me there.I fled and heard nothing since.im in absolute pieces because he hasn’t tried to contact me but why do I care about the vile piece of shit.Im sat here broken inside and out crying over this loser who made false promises and lied over and over and in my shame I’ve tried to text and ring him and it’s him blanking me,what the hell is wrong with me?? I hate myself for being so weak but I’m obsessing over what he’s doing and with who,I’m a mess xxx

Why, oh why, haven't you blocked him? There is no way forward until YOU take the steps to stop contact. This will show SS you are really taking steps to not see him. If they find out you went to see him, it's going to look worse than you telling them you fucked up.

You said you snapped your SIM card and don't have a landline so how's he contacting you?

So you signed a statement saying you would stay away and still went to him anyway.
Apparently you snapped your SIM card but he’s contacting you .
I hate to sound harsh as I have been in an abusive relationship but this man is like a drug to you. You are drawn to him like a moth to a flame . What you are saying about the snapped SIM card and no contact doesn’t quite ring true.
You will lose your kids or he will kill you. Wake up woman and stop fucking about and playing games.
He’s this and he’s that and you hate him and will never go back. You might be saying that but in your heart of hearts I don’t think you mean it. What’s it going to take

I did snap my sim but I’m with gaff so just activated another one and ur right I’m weak and he’s my drug.i don’t want to stay with him but I want to speak to him for closure.I don’t know I’m weak as fuck,he text me just to goodbye and we havent spoke since.i was honestly relieved when he was arrested but he’s out now and can’t live his life as he wants

I’m not playing games at all I love him and it’s killing me not knowing what he’s doing I don’t know why it’s how I feel,I have to bite the billet and live with what he’s done I’m not going to report it

I’m with giffgaff I meant to say and I must admit I was doing ok til he contacted me,I need to keep busy and stop obsessing over this great life I imagine he’s got without me,it’s eating me up

From what you have said he’s probably on the estate knocking out a bit of gear, riding about on a mountain bike, loafing about indoors , getting stoned and generally being a cunt.

Closure. Him saying goodbye is your closure. What else do you actually want to hear from him. That he loves you? Imagine he did say that. Then what??? You would be drawn back in.
That he’s sorry. Would you really believe he is sorry. It’s just words and again you would be suckered back in.
That he wants to stay friends?? Really
What ever he has to say isn’t satisfactory
If he keeps having consact with you he will end up in prison and he must realise this.
If you keep having contact you will lose your kids or your life. And you know this.
One of you needs to be grown up enough to understand these facts and do something. Sounds like he is by saying goodbye and ignoring you. For heavens sake do the same thing

He did say he loves me and I thank his he does live 200 miles away so he’s can’t bump into him Cos I’ll put my hands up and say I know I’d be suckered back in.I suppose I want to keep talking to him because it’s easier than totally letting go,I’m scared to.dont know why I just am and what u said about his life pretty
Much summed him up,he literally has no life I honestly don’t know what it is I’m going to miss

I think I know what it is.
They hurt you physically but when they talk to you after its the attention. It’s the acknowledgement you are still there. It makes you feel like you still matter and mean something . Sometimes the apology and loving after an assault can actually feel nice and comforting and safe. The same way it would if you were hurt by someone else and they looked after you. You have to remember they caused the pain to start with. That’s what you are seeking I think. To feel wanted

Now stand back and think of the pain you feel without him. X that by 1000 . That’s what your kids will feel without you either because they are taken away from you or because they are burying you

Thankyou all for the replies it does help and I’m taking them all on board.im massively insecure and I’m obsessed with him moving in and forgetting me like i meantime nothing but I obviously meant nothing because he beat me.i loved him for two years and I feel like I’ll never feel this way ever again about another man he was my world x

Yes I want him to be banging my door down fighting for me saying he’ll change and I wouldn’t believe it but that’s what I want and to be honest there’s a void now and I feel empty we spoke every day all day,we text every hour and spoke all the time so to go to nothing is hard.I know it will pass I’ve just got to embrace the pain and accept he’s gone x

Do you work? Have hobbies? Friends ? Even if you can fill the days of the bank holiday being as busy as possible. Decorate a room in your house. Keep your hands busy

He’s a drug dealing wife beating scumbag. You’ve got kids.

Did you tell your kids not to tell the SW you had been away? Did you tell them to lie for you?

You do know he can easily show SW that you’ve contacted him? They do do it.

Don’t think it doesn’t happen. He doesn’t actually care about your kids. Or you

my kids were with their Dad and thought I’d gone away with friends,yes he could tell sw but it’s be his word against mine x

He is a scumbag ur right the fleeting nice moments were rare or fake I know he’d sell me down the river to cover his own back he’s done it before

I just can’t believe he gave me this big long loving goodbye text then nothing like he’s just accepted it’s done,he told me to find happiness and that I deserve it what’s he playing at?

Get a grip and think of your kids.
You know he is no good, possibility of getting battered about again and losing your kids yet your still holding on to the hope of getting back with him? Put your kids first.

Can I just brag now on a truly amazing positive note my eldest boy has just passed his GCSEs every single one of them top marks I’m so proud and he’s the polar opposite of this piece of shit I’m crying over x

Look at the website hidden hurt read the personal stories

Maybe he text you because he knows he’s a wrong un and that your kids deserve better

Are your kids on a cp plan

That is him giving you closure. You say he lives with his mum. Maybe she has spoken with him and had words and told him to stay away before someone ends up dead or in prison or both . Just as you would say to your own son.

There you go. That’s what you can occupy yourself with today or tomorrow. Taking your son out even if it’s to a McDonald’s or Toby carver to spoil him for what he’s achieved. That will busy you even if for a couple of hours

He’s giving me closure that easily though and just walking away.I think the police have probably scared him off too after being locked up all weekend,I think he knows it’s gone too far

He always said though if I ended it he’d never let me go and he’s come after me so now he can do it that easily

Yes my kids are in a cp plan and I will look at the hidden hurt website

He's not going to come after you and you need to accept that you weren't important to him as painful as it is. You seem to think abuse is proof he cares and it isn't. He doesn't care.

You travelled 200 miles to get beaten up. Don't do it again.