Overweight partner

[Holidayshopping]

I have been with dh for 20 years, married for 15-we have 3 kids, generally a good relationship-we have similar sense of humour, have good friends who we see regularly- just for background info.

When we met, DH was a size 36 waist-perfectly normal size and good looking. He is now mid/late 40s, a 44 inch waist (with his stomach absolutely straining over the waistband and seems to take very little interest in how he looks. He has bought about 10 of the same black t-shirt, all in xxxl which he wears all of the time. Has a pair of jeans that look awful-has to be big to fit, but the legs are enormous and you can see his pants/arse crack when he bends down and a massive over hanging gut when he lifts his hands up.

I cook healthy food-me and the children are healthy weights but he eats so fast and can’t seem to bear to be hungry. He eats toast and cereal late at night and will always buy pudding/chocolate/ice cream even if no one else is having any.

He knows he is overweight and if I suggest getting clothes that fit, he says he doesn’t need new clothes, Just needs to be thinner, but doesn’t do anything about it. He blames his weight on me organising social occasions with friends (maybe 1/2 a month) where food is involved, not seeing that’s its everyday habits that are more likely to be the reason. When we see friends for takeaway-he has loads of poppodoms/naan bread/chocolate, when no one else does. It’s like he’s unable to stop.

Sex is an issue as his gut means if he is on top, I can barely feel him inside me-it just doesn’t reach that far! I also feel like he’s squashing me and I can’t breathe. I can go on top, but it does my (dodgy) knees in and it was never my favourite position; now it’s the only one.

His brother (also very overweight) died in his 40s last year of a massive heart attack. I thought that might make him lose weight, but it hasn’t.

I’ve done SW and WW type healthy eating with him as like a ‘let’s get fit together’ -it works for a bit but not for long.

His weight means he won’t go swimming with the kids, if the door goes/something is split on the floor-he’ll wait for someone else to pick it up etc, it’s making him sluggish and lazy and frankly unattractive.

Am I beinh horrible? What can I do?

If it was man posting about his wife getting fat after 20 years, there would probably be an outcry but it makes me cross that I bother to look nice despite giving birth to 3 babies, yet he can’t and feel it’s not fair. I don’t find extremely overweight men attractive and never have.

Does anyone have any thoughts rather than just giving me a pasting for being a bitch! I feel horrible thinking like this, but it is the way I feel. I am actually embarrassed by him now which I feel awful about.

Not a lot you can do as until he is ready he won't listen to any of you thoughts on the matter. It needs to come from him. The best thing you can do is show him you still love him despite this little blip because what is stopping him doing something about it right now is his lack of confidence and belief in himself. The more your words and actions make him feel bad about himself the less likely he is to do something about it.

You’re not being horrible but I think there is usually a reason behind when people put on a lot of weight. What else is going on in his life - work, hobbies, are you happy as a couple generally? Is he healthy? Can you say you’re worried about setting a good example to the kids and take up walking or running together? Or say you’re worried about his health? Him blaming you is a bit crap. But blame in general isn’t really helpful.

Good luck. I’ll be watching with interest. I wish I had a partner who cared and could support healthy living but me and dh are pretty much as bad as each other.

Make really filling healthy food and don't buy any crap. Make sure there is lots of healthy snacks available.

Also get a fitbit and start going out on walks together every day. Men lose weight quite quickly so hopefully it'll kick start something.

My sis had the same issue with bil.

She nagged him to go for a walk with her every evening, and after about a year, when he’d lost a little bit, she bought him a bike and nagged him out onto that.
Plus she kept edging more veg & less potatoes on to his plate. It’s taken a long time though.

I would just tell him how you feel. That you love him but he's weight game has made him unattractive and if he doesn't do something about it you will leave. Might kick his arse into gear and make him take responsibility for his weight and health

Could he be depressed? Underactive thyroid? Perhaps a full physical and cholesterol check is in order?
Ever considered getting a dog? It's the best thing I ever did for my health!
Stepdad lost about 3 stone because mum stopped frying his breakfast and grilled/boiled/scrambled instead.

The best thing you can do is show him you still love him despite this little blip

It’s not really just a little blip though, it’s the best part of 10 years being very obese.

It’s also difficult to keep stuff out of the house as he will just snack on toast/bread or cereal which are always in the house.

So stop having bread and cereal in.

But the rest of the family eat cereal for breakfast and bread for lunch so those really need to be in the house.

There are lots of other breakfasts you could have. How about making a big vat of porridge or omelettes or smoothies? For lunch make a big bowl of soup or salads or wraps? Wraps are harder to snack on.

Unless something changes nothing will change. You can easily do without cereal and bread and it'll be healthier for all the family. Make tubs of cut up veg with healthy dips. Have boiled eggs, egg muffins (put beaten egg in muffin miles and add peppers, ham etc and bake for 15 mins). Honestly if you fill up on healthy food your cravings will severely diminish.

Has he been invited to the gps for one f those over 40 MOT Type things? They sent a questionnaire to my dh which was fairly revealing before he even got there. I am a bit overweight and so is my dh but we have chatted about how we need to be alive to pay for the dcs university etc and we have agreed that we need to limit things in the house to healthy things only. I think if he will snack on toast and cereal it's really hard for you to help him by removing 'treats' could you suggest an overnight 'fast' to him, start with a 12 hour gap between food and then increase to 14 or even 16 hours? Then he will need to limit his waking eating a bit more (ie cut out the late evening eating. There is a book called 4 pillars (or something similar) which talks about how overnight fasts allow good gut bacteria to recover and help you digest better.

Would a family dog be an incentive to get out and about more?
My dh is tall and bigger than he would like (I not fussed but more positions () available for the slimmer man - could you mention from this angle?)
We have ddogs and once he gets motivated he can lose weight.

Musti why should the rest of the family miss out on perfectly healthy elements of their diet because the op's DH can't control himself?

Because it's bloody difficult when you're addicted to something not to have it if it's there. It's hardly a big sacrifice and it could kick start a healthy eating pattern for everyone. Cereal and bread for the most part is full of empty calories. Replace that with tasty and healthy alternatives.

I don't think a dog is the answer, as DH's laziness will mean it's just one more thing for OP to deal with.

And weight gain is far more to do with food intake than exercise. Exercise alone is not the solution. His food intake needs to change. Not sure how OP can change that though if her DH not bothered.

I'm in a similar situation. My DH has put on weight since we first got together 10 years ago. He's not really into exercise and he also can't bear to be hungry - he'll get in from work and eat 3 pieces of bread and butter while his dinner is cooking! I do most of the meal prep and really do try to make healthy home cooked meals but it's quite stressful always being the one to have to think about what to have and then prep, cook etc. We both work and we have a 5 year old DD. I'm very active and have never gone over a size 12. He is the opposite and is very sedentary. He doesn't seem to be bothered by his size but I have noticed he gets very tired and hot, if he is doing something a little bit physical, he needs to have a sit down and a cool down afterwards! I worry about the health risks and he also suffers with depression which doesn't help. He has told me today he is starting to go swimming at least once a week, which should help. We can't really go for a walk in the evenings as by the time he's home from work I'm getting our DD into bed, and he just isn't motivated to do it on his own! So I'm in the same boat as you - frustrated and also slightly peeved that I manage to find time to keep active, yet he can't! I would definitely stop buying treats etc (hard with kids in the house I know!) and try to encourage him to go for healthier option when possible....good luck!

Buy him the book "Blood sugar diet" by Michael Mosely. There are stories in the book of people in your husband's position.

The problem with removing all tempting foodstuffs from the house is that a) it pushes the burden onto the OP to police her DH, and it isn’t her issue to shoulder and b) the DH isn’t being instrumental in his own weight loss. Losing weight and maintaining a healthy weight are lifestyle choices and somebody has to want to be slim for themselves to be successful at it.

It seems harsh but I agree with RedPill’s advice. It seems the OP cooking healthy food and suggesting they get fit together and being supportive and going softly-softly hasn’t worked and being told that he is dangerously and unattractively overweight and needs to address it is the kickstart he needs.

Am shocked at all these posts suggesting what OP can do to solve her DH's shit diet choices and laziness.

He's a grown adult who has chosen to stop taking care of himself.

I would tell him that due to his substantial weight gain I no longer find him attractive and that our relationship is now is serious jeopardy because of it. Tell him that he needs to do something about it or suffer the consequences.

And I would give the exact same advice to a man about his wife.

I just don't understand how anyone can gain huge amounts of weight and expect their DH/DW to still fancy them.

Can you forgive him?
Then perhaps suggest counseling for a food/sugar addiction. Does he feel that food is the only good part of his day? ...a part of his day that he can control?

My dh was overweight and a workaholic. He really did not look healthy. When he turned 50 even he knew something had to change. He started swimming. There is a pool he has access to at work. At first he could barely last 20 minutes. That was 8 years ago. Now he is in the 100 mile challenge (over 4 months or something) and can do two miles at one go. He still has a gut though not as big. He is undoubtedly in better health.

I agree that weight loss is centered around nutrition plans. Exercise keeps a body moving and relevant for life/ living.

I’m sorry if that sounds like I want him to fail but I really don’t want to have to hide bread and cereal out of the house. My kids eat weetabix or Shreddies every day for breakfast and I have toast and we have sandwiches for lunch. Nobody likes porridge and the kids aren’t keen on soup.

My exh told me I was too fat, I ignored him at first, then I got the bit between my teeth and lost all the weight, then left him.

Your DH needs to want to lose the weight. Nobody at all will be able to help him unless he helps himself.

No it's not her job to police it but the whole family can make it easier for him by having as few temptations as possible out of the house. I always lose weight when I stay at my parents because they don't have unhealthy food there and my mum cooks lovely nutritious meals that fills us up so we're not looking for snacks. It really does make it a lot easier. Also when I've lived in countries where unhealthy snacks aren't part of the eating culture, I have had no problem staying a healthy weight.

Maybe instead of bread have wraps as they are usually filled with more nutritious stuff (fill with cjicken and salad etc) and you can't turn it into snacks as easily.

I think people in a relationship have a bit of a duty to look after themselves to at least a basic standard. We all get older, maybe a bit thicker round the waste etc. No one (reasonable) expects their partner to be ageless.

But it seems unrealistic to think anyone can just put on an arbitrary amount of weight and not have your partner have an opinion on it.

Thank you for your messages-they’ve been really helpful. I really need to find a way and a time to approach it in a way that is kind and not horrible.

I see posts on here from women saying their DH has told them they have put on weight and they don’t find them sexually attractive any more and posters reply with the ‘you can lose 15 stone immediately by dumping their sorry arse and finding someone who loves you for what you are etc’

I want to avoid that!