Overweight partner

[Holidayshopping]

I have been with dh for 20 years, married for 15-we have 3 kids, generally a good relationship-we have similar sense of humour, have good friends who we see regularly- just for background info.

When we met, DH was a size 36 waist-perfectly normal size and good looking. He is now mid/late 40s, a 44 inch waist (with his stomach absolutely straining over the waistband and seems to take very little interest in how he looks. He has bought about 10 of the same black t-shirt, all in xxxl which he wears all of the time. Has a pair of jeans that look awful-has to be big to fit, but the legs are enormous and you can see his pants/arse crack when he bends down and a massive over hanging gut when he lifts his hands up.

I cook healthy food-me and the children are healthy weights but he eats so fast and can’t seem to bear to be hungry. He eats toast and cereal late at night and will always buy pudding/chocolate/ice cream even if no one else is having any.

He knows he is overweight and if I suggest getting clothes that fit, he says he doesn’t need new clothes, Just needs to be thinner, but doesn’t do anything about it. He blames his weight on me organising social occasions with friends (maybe 1/2 a month) where food is involved, not seeing that’s its everyday habits that are more likely to be the reason. When we see friends for takeaway-he has loads of poppodoms/naan bread/chocolate, when no one else does. It’s like he’s unable to stop.

Sex is an issue as his gut means if he is on top, I can barely feel him inside me-it just doesn’t reach that far! I also feel like he’s squashing me and I can’t breathe. I can go on top, but it does my (dodgy) knees in and it was never my favourite position; now it’s the only one.

His brother (also very overweight) died in his 40s last year of a massive heart attack. I thought that might make him lose weight, but it hasn’t.

I’ve done SW and WW type healthy eating with him as like a ‘let’s get fit together’ -it works for a bit but not for long.

His weight means he won’t go swimming with the kids, if the door goes/something is split on the floor-he’ll wait for someone else to pick it up etc, it’s making him sluggish and lazy and frankly unattractive.

Am I beinh horrible? What can I do?

If it was man posting about his wife getting fat after 20 years, there would probably be an outcry but it makes me cross that I bother to look nice despite giving birth to 3 babies, yet he can’t and feel it’s not fair. I don’t find extremely overweight men attractive and never have.

Does anyone have any thoughts rather than just giving me a pasting for being a bitch! I feel horrible thinking like this, but it is the way I feel. I am actually embarrassed by him now which I feel awful about.

I agree with you kayakingmum . My OH had grown up in a house with a mother who was a 'feeder'. Cooked breakfast, snack before lunch, full lunch, meal after school then supper. All well and good when your a fit and active and very sporty child not so good when you become a non sporty adult.. He finds it difficult not feeling full. He is having to try really hard not to snack or look for food now that he is on a mission to lose weight. The problem he will have is not going back to old habits once he gets down to his desired weight. However I couldn't force him to go on a diet or not snack. His main issue is what he eats when not in the house.

I may be repeating here as I haven’t rtft but I do wonder how this would be answered if it was a man asking about his wife 🤔

Yes, I did say that worried me.

I need to talk to him, but have to find the right words. He has suffered from depression in the past and is very down and angry about the state of the country at the moment, so I can’t inagine it will be well received.

Get fruit in, and lock everything else away. Gala apples are particularly sweet and delicious atm. Pears are in season, bananas nice, pineapples and melons?

I really can’t lock bread and cereal away-the rest of the family eat them.

My DH has piled on weight from time to time. I normally talk to him about health rather than weight / looks - my dad died when he was early 60s, his dad had got type 2 diabetes... so I do say that we need to stay healthy so that we are not only around for the kids but fit enough to enjoy our lives.

Your DH has to decide to change for himself. But you need to have a proper conversation with him about his weight without being critical or confrontational.

I have been v overweight for the past 4 years or so and it was only when DH and I had a good chat and he explained how worried he was that I'd get diabetes and not be able to enjoy life (now or when older) that the penny dropped for me.

I've now lost over 2 stone and still going. And our sex life is already immeasurably better.

There's no hidden option here.

You either help him - inconveniencing the rest of the family but with the aim of helping him lose weight and hopefully that would benefit you all; or you keep everything the same and leave it to him to sort but know that he hasn't yet and may not ever actually succeed.

There's a half option of telling him you're finding him unattractive and hoping that motivates him; but it's risky.

Your not his mother and those that think you should hide food are being ridiculous. He is a grown man. You can’t control what he eats when out and what he chooses to bring back into the house. I stopped smoking years ago as I thought it might encourage my OH to stop. Made not a jot of difference and I won’t be hiding his cigs. I don’t have rubbish in my house to eat however I can’t restrain him when he heads into the bread bin or takes his 4 pack of chocolate bars he has arrived home with. He can make his own choices as a capacitous adult. It’s up to him to choose to change his eating habits. I would be having an open conversation about it and how off putting you find it. He can then choose to change or not.

Bangor make sure he's got good life insurance then

People that say go on walks or runs together every day...who will look after the children? Unless the children are old enough to be left etc.

The thing about runs and walks together is that he has a 2 hour commute each way to work and is out of the house from 7am-8pm, which doesn’t leave much time. It also means he eats late.

There is a lot of advice on this thread, which is fab-but it’s all so different. I still don’t really know what best to do .

Singlenotsingle he is well insured 😂.

Laughing aside I found the more I tried to challenge his smoking and his eating the worse he got. I lost my dad when he was 50 and find it difficult watching someone not caring enough about his family to look after his health. I am not a quiet person but the more I challenged the more it started impacting in our relationship so I told him it was up to him and said he can explain to his DC why he didn’t care enough to stop when he is on his early death bed from smoking and being over weight. Anyway he is making changes now and I am quietly supportive.

Have a proper talk with him. Tell him you love him and you are worried, since his brother died, that him neglecting his health is putting his life in jeopardy. Tell him you understand how hard it is to get motivated, but you really REALLY want him to make an effort. Sign him and you up for a gym and go together three or four times a week for the first month or so. By then, the feel-good factor of weight training should have kicked in and he'll keep on.
You could, for now, cook massive meals using the old SW techniques (massive steak or chunks of roast chicken with roast veg on the side, or a big plate of pasta with quark-based carbonara sauce. It's not the bet way to reset your appetite but it is a start if he;s obese. he will lose weight on it without feeling hungry. He could also just cut all sugar from his diet. that's a fantastic way to get rid of 'hunger' that is actually a blood sugar dip. Same with keto-based diet. You don't get those cravings for bulky carbs on it.

I agree with OP's last post: whilst there is lots of good advice here, what she is actually going to DO on a practical level, is not clear to me either.

I've been seriously overweight for much of my life and nothing that anyone ever said or did has made any difference to me at all. If my DH told me he didn't fancy me I couldn't have cared less - good - peace in bed. The only reason I lost weight was when I decided to do it for myself, I have followed low carb and it has really suited me, although I know it is not for everyone.

The what-about-da-menz is a red herring.

Women's weight is much more prone to fluctuations because of childbearing.

I'm appalled by the idea that anyone thinks it's OP's responsibility to sneak more veg into his diet as if he were a fussy toddler.

I'd go down the health route, personally. I am currently struggling to shed 2 stone. I'm the wrong side of 50, menopausal, in a sedentary job and LP to gremlins preteen and a teen. I keep at it (WW) because I don't want to get diabetes or have a heart attack.

I think it would be valid to talk about the logistics of your sex life and how some weight loss might improve things (he doesn't have to morph into Aidan Turner/Tom Hiddleston/whoever - just get to a healthy range)

I agree that thyroid, diabetes and depression should be checked out too.

Good luck

I agree with OP's last post: whilst there is lots of good advice here, what she is actually going to DO on a practical level, is not clear to me either.

I can only say what has worked in our marriage.

After years of being gentle and supportive and 'helping' with his diet, the only thing which has really worked has been to say, if he did not make some healthy changes, we probably wouldn't be together in a years time. It sounds brutal and cruel, but I was not willing to continue watching him slowly killing himself.

Practically, I would have a chat about a healthy lifestyle and making very small changes. I would talk about how you can fit in a bit of walking (weekends?), and also how you can as a family, eat healthily: (No rubbish and watch portion sizes) and if he will not make small changes over the next 6 months, I would tell him your marriage is in trouble.

No one can tell you exactly what to do, OP because we don’t know you or your DH. What works for me might not work for you - but if this is bothering you as much as you say it is, then I’m afraid you’re just going to have to bite the bullet, decide what approach might work with your DH and do it!

He sounds like my cousin’s husband
He ate himself up to 38 stone.
I never got to see him at that size.
When we all reconnected he was around 25 stone and still a big man
He literally couldn’t stop eating
If we went to a harvester, he’d have a dozen of those little buns while waiting for a starter
I can never eat a full meal..so anything I left...chips...he would finish this was his cheat day

Then he do the Atkins and eat meat for the rest of the week..and drop a stone in a week

He got to 17 st when he got bowel cancer and died the following year.

Lovely man and it was very sad. He blamed his over eating on being so poor as a child that there was enough food

I hope your husband can reign himself in.

My cousin said trying to have a relationship with someone of his size was very difficult.

I am in your exact position except only in my twenties. My husband has always been overweight but now it is affecting every single area of our lives. I have made a big effort to lose the extra 1.5 stone I put on after our son and now I’m eating healthier and exercising I find him very lazy and his weight is a turn off.

But...you cannot lose this weight for him. Hiding crisps etc will not work because he is a grown man and unless he is 100% committed he will go a shop and buy crisps. He also knows that he is fat, nagging isn’t particularly helpful. All I can really recommend is encouraging him to speak to his GP. They can check his BP and blood glucose and see how his weight is affecting his health. They can also sign post what support is available, be it a group or medication. Some NHS trusts have groups for weight management with joint dietician/psychology input which would be EXCELLENT if you think his overeating is linked to his past depression. Giving him coping strategies rather than turning to snacks might equip him with the motivation he needs? Good luck!

Do you think he is mentally unwell? Not taking care of yourself is a sign of mental illness.
Also, men care how they are perceived by their beloveds. Tell him you're more sexually attracted to him when he is slimmer. Please don't tell him he's grotesque and unattractive, say he is MORE attractive when thinner.

Hi OP. I wonder if the blood sugar diet might help - it gets fast results and it might be a good kick start. I'd go with kindness and telling him you'll help rather than being brutal. He's hurting enough - nobody wants to be fat but he's clearly using food as a crutch for something. Grief is a common one. Good luck

It's worth remembering that for many people excess weight (over eating) is about something else rather than just food intake- in the same way that alcoholism is about something else rather than just drinking alcohol.

For the most part, people who are over weight know they are over weight, they know that it isn't attractive and they know what they need to do about it in order to be healthy. [I except that a tiny minority of people are over weight because of independent health issues such as thyroid problems but this is not the majority]

He knows all of this and you can't do it for him.

I would maybe encourage him to see a specialist counsellor to explore his underlying issues with food as it is likely that there is something there - whether that is depression, comfort eating, hiding under layers of fat to feel safe and so on. If his brother was the same there could be child hood issues with food involved.

Weight threads on mn are a bit odd. Why people are overweight is a very complex issue. But, 2/3rd's of brits are. Statistically most mners must be. The % of uk'ers who are slim, going to the gym 3+ times a week and running 5k's is probably only about 3 or 4 % of the population.
Most of the mums I see in the playground could all do with losing 1/2 a stone, a stone, ++, myself included.

So let's not be too critical.
let's get this in perspective.

But someone wanting to do it is wierd, deep and complex.

Could you guys take some tennis lessons together... can even involve the children.

Lots of partners and children do where I train, it’s cheap and a great social activity. You don’t even have to be amazing but improve as you progress and it’s addictive.

You could play for an hour and burn so much calories but it’s a fun activity he may not even notice how hard he is working.