Overweight partner

[Holidayshopping]

I have been with dh for 20 years, married for 15-we have 3 kids, generally a good relationship-we have similar sense of humour, have good friends who we see regularly- just for background info.

When we met, DH was a size 36 waist-perfectly normal size and good looking. He is now mid/late 40s, a 44 inch waist (with his stomach absolutely straining over the waistband and seems to take very little interest in how he looks. He has bought about 10 of the same black t-shirt, all in xxxl which he wears all of the time. Has a pair of jeans that look awful-has to be big to fit, but the legs are enormous and you can see his pants/arse crack when he bends down and a massive over hanging gut when he lifts his hands up.

I cook healthy food-me and the children are healthy weights but he eats so fast and can’t seem to bear to be hungry. He eats toast and cereal late at night and will always buy pudding/chocolate/ice cream even if no one else is having any.

He knows he is overweight and if I suggest getting clothes that fit, he says he doesn’t need new clothes, Just needs to be thinner, but doesn’t do anything about it. He blames his weight on me organising social occasions with friends (maybe 1/2 a month) where food is involved, not seeing that’s its everyday habits that are more likely to be the reason. When we see friends for takeaway-he has loads of poppodoms/naan bread/chocolate, when no one else does. It’s like he’s unable to stop.

Sex is an issue as his gut means if he is on top, I can barely feel him inside me-it just doesn’t reach that far! I also feel like he’s squashing me and I can’t breathe. I can go on top, but it does my (dodgy) knees in and it was never my favourite position; now it’s the only one.

His brother (also very overweight) died in his 40s last year of a massive heart attack. I thought that might make him lose weight, but it hasn’t.

I’ve done SW and WW type healthy eating with him as like a ‘let’s get fit together’ -it works for a bit but not for long.

His weight means he won’t go swimming with the kids, if the door goes/something is split on the floor-he’ll wait for someone else to pick it up etc, it’s making him sluggish and lazy and frankly unattractive.

Am I beinh horrible? What can I do?

If it was man posting about his wife getting fat after 20 years, there would probably be an outcry but it makes me cross that I bother to look nice despite giving birth to 3 babies, yet he can’t and feel it’s not fair. I don’t find extremely overweight men attractive and never have.

Does anyone have any thoughts rather than just giving me a pasting for being a bitch! I feel horrible thinking like this, but it is the way I feel. I am actually embarrassed by him now which I feel awful about.

Does he drink a lot OP?

He knows he is overweight, but does he know how much you hate it? If not, then have a frank talk and try to get to the bottom of what is causing this.

However, ultimately the only person who can fix this is your DH. He has to want to lose weight more than he wants to stuff his face with food that will make him fatter. It's not easy, but if he WANTS to then it is perfectly possible for him to re-train his eating habits.

But if he simply can't be arsed then there is nothing you can do. If you have nothing at home but healthy foods, he will buy his carb & sugar fix outside the home for himself.

No, he doesn’t really drink much at all-it’s just food.

He knows, I’m sure, that I would rather he was slimmer but I have never actually spelled it out and said I find it so unattractive.

I have said recently that my knees are agony the day or so after we’ve had sex. Maybe I should use that as a way in and say it would be much easier if we could do it the other way around. I doubt he knows that I don’t get much sensation that way round as I’ve never said it-though you’d think he would have realised it doesn’t feel that good for him as he is barely inside me .

I would kindly mention the sex issue, if he has a healthy sex drive I imagine that would motivate him to lose weight!

I'm so sorry to read your post OP. Am in a similar position myself and feel like I've tried every tactic so far and to no avail. It's def something that needs to come from the person themselves. My OH looks sad and remorseful for a day when I bring it up, because I know deep down he wants to lose weight too, but then nothing really changes. Sorry this post isn't any help to you. Will keep an eye on this thread though as I'm not done with trying yet!

I'm in a similar situation OP. My DH was very slim (32 inch waist) when I met him. He ran marathons until he was about 50, but in the last 8/9 years has got fatter and fatter. He also binges on bread, cheese and cereal in the evenings. I cook healthy food and for a while made his portions bigger and bigger to try to satisfy his appetite, he still ate just as much later on. Now I give him quite small meals because I know he's going to carrying eating anyway.

Not keeping certain foods in the house is not the answer. My DH will just go to the shop or stop-off on his way home. He's up and down into the kitchen all evening and to be honest it really annoys me. He had a troubled childhood with domineering parents, and was a chubby child (I discovered a few years ago he was anorexic as a teenager although never diagnosed as it wasn't really recognised in the 70's, particularly with males), and I wonder if there's a connection now they are older and in poor health with how they guilt-trip him constantly. It's only through MN I've learned about FOG - exactly the relationship he has with them.

I've tried various approaches; concern, humour, suggesting active hobbies (his knees are shot due to his long distance running). He actually hates being fat and can't bear to see photo's of himself but he simply will not cut down on his eating. He admits it's habit, he's not hungry, but just says 'yeah I need to do more exercise', when his diet is the problem IMO. Physically he's unrecognisable as the man I married and I don't feel any physical attraction or desire for him anymore - you can't force physical attraction. I have also felt embarrassed to be seen with him, which I know is awful.

Like you, I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that us nagging, coaxing or cajoling them won't work, It has to come from them. If you find the answer let me know!

That was really long - soz

Not buying/hiding things won't work because he's an adult who can just buy things for himself! It's a mindset change that needs to happen here.

OP, my family and I lost a load of weight earlier this year by making it into a contest and doing our own 'biggest loser' type thing for 10 weeks. There were 3 couples and each person paid £5 into a kitty each week, and at the end the couple who had lost the biggest % of their combined body weight won the money.

My OH is overweight too and he definitely found it easier to stick to a healthier diet when there was some kind of prize involved!

I think for a lot of men the health/slimness element isn't enough to break bad habits, so adding an element of competition or a different focus can really help.

Could you try something like that?

Otherwise, perhaps something like going swimming or joining a gym together might help him? I know my OH is more likely to throw himself into a fitness regime than a diet.

Also I would steer away from telling him you don't find him attractive because of his weight if he's been similarly overweight for the past 10 years.

I think that could only work if it was a recent gain, telling him you haven't found him attractive for years would make him feel pretty bad I imagine.

Has he had a recent diabetes test? He could well be diabetic and not even know, and that's why he constantly feels he needs to eat; when our sugar levels are unbalanced it just makes us want more food. A test could show that he is bordering on becoming diabetic, which might make him see sense.

Talk to him about it from the sex angle, say that you really want to have an active sex life with him but can't because of your knee and that maybe you should both go on a health and fitness drive to be able to have more sex. Really laying it on the line like that might make it seem worth it to him.

Could he have a thyroid problem? Does he have any of the symptoms? It does make it hard not to gain weight and you tend to crave carbs.

I might avoid saying you find him unattractive as if there's an element of unhappiness involved mightn't that make it worse?

I wonder if you might be better nudging him towards taking action to benefit his health? Then you aren't criticising him, so much as caring about him. You could tell him how you are frightened and saddened by the idea of the kids losing their Dad.

A place to start might be to get him to jave his blood pressure and blood sugar checked. A lot oof overweight people have issues with one or both of these. And the realisation that it is possible to avoid medivation by losing weughtmight be empowering. I don't know your dh so don't know what he'd respond to but thought id throw in these ideas (apologies if they have already been discussed, wifi here is playng up tonight so not sure if/when this reply will post!)

Hi op

Was he close to his brother? Could he be grieving and that's upped his food intake
Maybe.

Is he in agonising pain?
My hip was horrendous so I ended up putting on more weight. Needed a hip replacement but nobody would operate at size I was, my only option was bariatric surgery.
This has been amazing as a way of kick starting me. I am down 7 dress sizes and had the hip surgery. However the weight I was it was so difficult to have the motivation to do anything especially exercise and it was just so painful and embarrassing.
I did always look clean and smart in my clothes, so no YANBU to expect a higher standard from him, but he is probably in a downward spiral.
There is a portion sizer meal box on Amazon which maybe worth looking at as a way of starting to adjust portion size.
Btw NHS are still unlikely to fund the surgery, mine cost £15,000 and the hip £10,000 despite the pain meaning I couldn't sleep, was suicidal and the hip problem is genetic and contributed to weight gain, not the other way round.
Will try to link to Amazon meal kit box.

What can I do?

Sit him down. Explain that you are worried. Explain exactly why and don't sugar coat it (he's had enough of that). Be kind, but brutal. He will know already but he needs to face it. He will feel shit enough about it already.

When he is clear that you love him and want to help offer him a blowjob for every 5kg lost and a really filthy night in for every 25kg lost.

Mealkitt portion control
www.amazon.co.uk/MealKitt-Nutrition-Paperback-Dishwasher-Worldwide/dp/B072K1JPSJ

I was in exactly the same situation OP. I don’t think you’re being horrible about this. It isn’t nice living with someone, watching them slowly killing themselves, every single day.

After years of me being gentle and kind, I’d had enough.

A major factor was his brother (same food issues) had a major stroke at 50 late, last year and is very lucky to be alive. He’s still recovering and will be for at least another year. I was also fed up with his snoring caused by being over weight and moved into the spare room. We both slept much better, but after about a month I realised I was lonely in bed on my own. I told him that our marriage was suffering. I was not prepared to sleep separately for the rest of my life and if he didn’t at least start to do something, I didn’t know if I’d be here in a years time.

That seemed to really shock him and he promised me he wanted to lose weight.
So we sat down and worked out a plan together. He’s well on target but we’ve had to make major changes....

1. Absolutely no “snacks” in the house. So no cake, biscuits, crisps etc. It’s much easier if no temptation. If hungry have some fruit/carrot. He does have occasional “treats” when out or having a special meal, but only on those occasions.
2. We both got fit bits and go out together at least 5 days a week, to walk and make sure we get to our targets.
3. Cut down on portion sizes and learn a bit about calories. We worked out the calories of things he really likes to eat. He was so shocked when we found out he was eating at least 450 calories a day on butter, mayo and ketchup!

That’s basically it, a bit of exercise and cut down a bit on calories. He’s lost nearly 20 lbs in 12 weeks so slow, steady progress. But I’m so proud of him and he’s such a different person.

I think you do need to tell him how seriously this issue is affecting you and your relationship.
Sorry this is so long but I hope it’s been helpful!

You need to tell him you’re scared of him developing diabetes and all the health problems that entails if he does not change his ways plus you want him to be around to see your children grow up.

@Redpill
And you'd advise a man to leave his wife if she was overweight and didn't do anything about it? Pull the other one...

I was where you are OP. My OH always had a little pot but fast forward 18yrs and he had turned into a bloated fat lump with an oedema head. He is a handsome man but the massive gut (which is where he carries his weight) was a turn off. I am not shy and was very vocal but at the end of the day his eating habits are down to him. I don't have rubbish in my house and we all sit down for family meals. None of us are overweight, its just him. We have a dog and after initially saying he would walk it , he doesn't bother now. Anyway if he chooses to eat triple pack sandwiches for lunch with crisps and chocolate and a cooked breakfast when at work there is nothing I can do about it. Or him choosing to fill his face with slices of bread as he is hungry or get up during the night and eat whatever he can find. Anyway the trigger for him seems to have been me increasing my exercise and watching my weight. Although in truth it is more likely to be the fact that I mentioned turning 50 next year and he has panicked! Either way he has already lost a stone and a half and is on a mission. I am saying nothing but making sure I support him with having salad with meals instead of carbs. At the end of the day it is down to him....

Jesus Christ, surely if you tell him his cock doesn’t even reach inside you, any man has got to want to change that?! He is probably in denial thinking you haven’t noticed or don’t remember how it used to be or something. Personally I would tell him this, but then I am quite direct and marriage to me is not for the faint hearted.

You'd think so wouldn't you Polka, but the average size in the UK is a size 16 so being obese is quite normal. It's not the people fault though www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/aug/15/age-of-obesity-shaming-overweight-people

I may be repeating here as I haven’t rtft but I do wonder how this would be answered if it was a man asking about his wife 🤔

Well as OPs asking about her husband it doesn’t really matter what people would say if it was a man asking about his wife.

OP, good luck with your chat.

Banning cereal and bread from the house is a rubbish idea IMO. It won't make any difference to his weight, but the rest of the family would suffer. There's nothing wrong with bread and cereal anyway.
There may be a hereditary thing going on in that he can't stop eating. I doubt there is anything you can really do to make him lose weight.
He is the only one who can get fitter.