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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH behaviour, shouting in DS face and general crap!

91 replies

Anotheridiot · 19/08/2018 20:53

I need some advice.

My DH and I are really not getting on. We have always had our problems and I know we should not have married and had DC. At the time I was in love with the guy I thought he could be, he was good looking and confident and I had just come out of an abusive relationship and prior to that a sham of a marriage.
There has been an awful lot of negative events throughout our 9 years together, some I still feel guilty towards my 2 dc from ex DH now.

DH always wants to be in charge although he says he doesn’t, he tells me everything has to be my way but I know this really isn’t true.
Sometimes he treats all DC including his 2 biological dc badly. He lacks patience and has a children should do as I say not as I do kind of attitude. It’s exhausting!
Today he was shouting at ds1 (his sds) about something insignificant and ds1 got so fed up he shouted back at him to answer him, DH got right up to ds face and pointed his finger at his with menace in his eyes and started really shouting at him, I stood up to DH and told him he must never ever do that, ds went off to his room crying, after I had spoken to and comforted ds I went to DH and before I could say anything he continued shouting at me, he then told me to fuck off and went out alone.

It’s not just his step children though, yesterday ds2 (5yrs) wasn’t listening to DH telling him to tidy up, so DH went and got him, bought him into the living area where all dc and I were and pulled his bottom half of clothes down exposing him to his siblings and threatened to smack his bottom, ds was humiliated, again I stepped in and stopped him and he shouted at me.

DH is only happy if I’m busy doing things he wants me to do and if DC are too. He is always finding things like chores for them to do.

I want to leave but I can’t. We have just bought a house, I am going to be a full time student from September and he would never leave us in the house. Also the house is a project and we have just started building work, all the money to pay for it is in his account.

Please help me find a way through this

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 19/08/2018 20:59

Well unless you can give your DH a personality transplant all you will be able to do is act as an ineffective buffer between him and your children.

You will be living on eggshells and so will your children. That isn’t a happy childhood. My advice is to put your kids first and leave the relationship. Men like this don’t change and you end up in a cycle of behaviour.

Original poster
Anotheridiot · 19/08/2018 21:07

Thank you zoflora, I don’t know how I can leave. We jointly own the house. He won’t leave. I would struggle to find a rental to accept me with 4dcabd even if I did I wouldn’t be entitled to any benefit as I own the house! I feel completely stuck

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 19/08/2018 21:12

Do you work, FT or PT?
Do you have family or friends nearby who would take you in temporarily? (I appreciate this is a big ask since it's 5 of you.)
You need to take action to change things - you are capable of making changes, your DC aren't, and they are being harmed.

Original poster
Anotheridiot · 19/08/2018 21:15

I work pt at the moment but was due to finish in 2 weeks for uni.
I do have family but they do not have enough space for us.
I have thought about trying to afford this place on my own but he would never agree to it

OP posts:
Treasure114 · 19/08/2018 21:20

DH went and got him, bought him into the living area where all dc and I were and pulled his bottom half of clothes down exposing him to his siblings and threatened to smack his bottom, ds was humiliated, again I stepped in and stopped him and he shouted at me.

Jesus Christ, what an absolute psycho! I wouldn't want to spend another day with him! Please leave him! The DCs must be terrified of him and I'm so sorry you're in this horrible situation Sad I don't think he will change. Contact Women's Aid? Good luck xxx

ellaV · 19/08/2018 21:21

Can you telephone uni admissions in the morning and request to defer the course for a year? Or can this be done via ucas?
If so, I'd be asking uni for that, asking part time job to let you work full time, and talk to the council to help house you?
I realise you own your house jointly, but surely that's not safe for the children to live in that way?

Hope you work this out one way or another x

Fairylea · 19/08/2018 21:24

You can’t stay with him. He’s abusing your children.

You need to get advice from women’s aid and leave. Immediately. Your poor dc. I felt really sad for them reading your thread.

smartiecake · 19/08/2018 21:26

Have you spoken to women's aid? There are always options. You need to protect the children from him. He sounds totally vile.

Original poster
Anotheridiot · 19/08/2018 21:27

My youngest dc is only 3 so it’s not financially viable to work full time. I just wish he would leave. I know he won’t, this is his house too abd he is not the type to put the kids first.
I heard about claiming housing benefits if you are separating abd the house will be sold. Do any of you mumsnetters know anything about it? Or my rights in general? We are down south and there are no council properties available.

OP posts:
ellaV · 19/08/2018 21:29

Sorry, no idea on rights etc :(.

If you reported him to the police or social services as a safeguarding concern, wouldn't they make him leave anyway?

Again, really not sure on the facts of that, sorry! X

Fairylea · 19/08/2018 21:32

Women’s aid will be able to advise on rights.

There is a website called entitledto.com (or google benefits calculator) and you can enter anonymous hypothetical figures so you can see how much you would get. Do be careful using these though, make sure you are safe and your dh doesn’t know what you’re doing.

Original poster
Anotheridiot · 19/08/2018 21:52

Thanks everyone.

The calculator sites don’t work if you are a student.
My degree is a vocational one which means in 3 years I will be able to financially support my dc alone.
I will get enough money each month if I continue to work part time too.

I feel sick, I’m panicking now. We have saved for years to buy our house and I love it. I don’t want to loose everything again.

OP posts:
Treasure114 · 19/08/2018 21:58

I think that you could report to police or soc servs as a safeguarding concern. It does seem totally unfair that you may lose your lovely house but if this piece of shit refuses to leave then it's really going to be somewhat of a golden cage for you and your children. I wish you all the best x

Mary1935 · 19/08/2018 22:30

It’s not his house it’s both of yours. You are entitled to 50% if not more as the primary caregiver. Seek some advice from women’s aid - they can give you advice on local solicitors in your area.
I’m sorry your husband is a TWAT. He’s abusing you all and damaging your children.
He won’t change. Seek advice and keep posting.

Zofloramummy · 19/08/2018 22:38

Honestly 3 years is a short time for an adult but a lot longer for a child. Can you retract your resignation? I’d look at doing uni part time (depending on the course there maybe bursaries). Before you can even contemplate doing a degree you need a stable home life.

Zofloramummy · 19/08/2018 22:41

I think there is a 9 month delay on housing benefits if you are a hone owner but that doesn’t stop you claiming working tax credits and child tax credits. You may also qualify for council tax reductions.

Original poster
Anotheridiot · 20/08/2018 06:44

Thanks for all the advice, it’s helping!
I have completed an access course last year and I have been told the first year of my degree is easier and slower paced so I’m not worried ability doing it. If anything it will be a welcome distraction.
I can’t retract my resignation as the have already filled my post. I do relief work as well though so I could increase my hours there to 16 per week.

The house is a bit of a building site, it’s too small as it stands as all 4 dc are currently sharing one room until the extension is finished. My DH and I are doing lots of the work ourselves apart from the actual building to keep costs down and he has the money for this in his account. If I stayed in the house as it is now it’s not suitable for the dc needs.
I will seek legal advice as I really don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
AlwaysSleepy1 · 20/08/2018 09:52

I would ring your local Council if I were you - They may be able to help you in the circumstances especially if you're going to commence divorce proceedings and it's not safe for you/dc to live with him. Then let a judge sort the house in the divorce!

Cambionome · 20/08/2018 11:46

You must see a solicitor asap. You are married and you should be entitled to at least 50% of everything, and may be entitled to stay in the house until the dc are older.

See someone asap - many solicitors will do a free first half-hour. Things may not be as black as they seem. Flowers

30hours · 20/08/2018 17:27

Your new house isn’t an excuse to stay with a man who is abusing your children. Do the right thing.

GladysKnight · 20/08/2018 17:33

I would have rather lived in a cramped but safe-feeling home than with a dad I was scared of.

Walkersjalapeno · 20/08/2018 19:12

Does your DSS’s mother know about this incident you’ve described where he pulled down his bottoms? She has a right to know. You may be willing to subject your own children to this monster, but if I found out ANYONE did this to my child I’d go fucking nuts. How would you feel if he did this to one of your own kids?

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/08/2018 19:20

I'm sorry for your issues op, but as someone who has to deal with kids during and after this sort of abuse at home, this is going to mess them up big time.

House uni everything has to be put on hold, and they have to come first, phone 101 nspcc until someone listens, get them away from him .

Walkersjalapeno · 20/08/2018 19:22

Sorry, I misunderstood. It IS your son. This is extremely abusive and you’ll soon have SS on your case if your DC’s mention what is going on at home tonany teachers etc. No to mention growing up with zero self esteem and self worth. Read up on the research done on kids who grow up being abused and humiliated. Place more value on your children’s well-being than a newly renovated house.

Strawbroke · 20/08/2018 19:40

I left my abusive DH in the Sept after buying our big house in March, he kept the house but the council gave me housing benefit in the interim before my divorce payout came through. I started a masters at uni, and worked 2 jobs for 18 hours a week. Tax credits helped massively. I have 3dcs. It CAN be done and you need to put your DC's first.