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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH behaviour, shouting in DS face and general crap!

91 replies

Anotheridiot · 19/08/2018 20:53

I need some advice.

My DH and I are really not getting on. We have always had our problems and I know we should not have married and had DC. At the time I was in love with the guy I thought he could be, he was good looking and confident and I had just come out of an abusive relationship and prior to that a sham of a marriage.
There has been an awful lot of negative events throughout our 9 years together, some I still feel guilty towards my 2 dc from ex DH now.

DH always wants to be in charge although he says he doesn’t, he tells me everything has to be my way but I know this really isn’t true.
Sometimes he treats all DC including his 2 biological dc badly. He lacks patience and has a children should do as I say not as I do kind of attitude. It’s exhausting!
Today he was shouting at ds1 (his sds) about something insignificant and ds1 got so fed up he shouted back at him to answer him, DH got right up to ds face and pointed his finger at his with menace in his eyes and started really shouting at him, I stood up to DH and told him he must never ever do that, ds went off to his room crying, after I had spoken to and comforted ds I went to DH and before I could say anything he continued shouting at me, he then told me to fuck off and went out alone.

It’s not just his step children though, yesterday ds2 (5yrs) wasn’t listening to DH telling him to tidy up, so DH went and got him, bought him into the living area where all dc and I were and pulled his bottom half of clothes down exposing him to his siblings and threatened to smack his bottom, ds was humiliated, again I stepped in and stopped him and he shouted at me.

DH is only happy if I’m busy doing things he wants me to do and if DC are too. He is always finding things like chores for them to do.

I want to leave but I can’t. We have just bought a house, I am going to be a full time student from September and he would never leave us in the house. Also the house is a project and we have just started building work, all the money to pay for it is in his account.

Please help me find a way through this

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotheridiot · 20/08/2018 20:20

Thank you strawbroke, that’s amazing! Well
Done!
He is here at the moment so can’t reply fully but I am reading everything so thanks everybody

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotheridiot · 20/08/2018 21:00

Sorry for the brief response.

Yes they are all my dc, only the younger two are his.
I know I need to end it but I’m trying to find the best way to do it to have the smallest impact on dc.
I spoke to a social worker at work today and was very honest, he said it sounds like he thinks he is doing his best for the dc, he has a funny way of going about it but due to his strict upbringing he thinks this is normal.
I know it doesn’t excuse it, just makes me question myself when a professional is saying that!!

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 21/08/2018 00:32

That is the opinion of one (male) professional. He isn’t living your life or is subject to the power imbalance in your relationship.
He certainly can’t have condoned aggressive shouting with a finger in someone’s face and threats of smacking and humiliation?

I grew up in a family that smacked for bad behaviour. I was also not given much personal freedoms and my parents were quite controlling. My DD has never been smacked. Because as an adult I made a decision about how I wanted to parent. Your history isn’t an excuse.

ExploryRory · 21/08/2018 00:41

Right. Start making a diary of all the abusive crap. Backdate it, even. Try and record evidence of it if you can, but written will be enough.

Then you tell him good and hard to fuck off and how things will be from now on.

sar302 · 21/08/2018 07:49

Completely unprofessional response from the social worker.
Humiliation, threats and physical chastisement all legally fall under the categories of emotional and physical abuse. He may be correct in saying it comes from your husband's childhood, but this is no excuse.
If you reported that to our safeguarding team, they would want to speak with you further in a formal capacity.

Please don't let one man minimise this for you.

sar302 · 21/08/2018 07:51

Apologies - it seems threats only, no actual physical violence? Still emotional abuse.

RainySeptember · 21/08/2018 08:01

The only thing keeping you there is the concern about money. Make an appointment to see a solicitor today and get a much clearer picture of what you can expect on divorce. Instead of anecdotes you will receive real advice from someone who handles similar situations every day.

He may not want to leave the house, and you may have months of awkward cohabiting ahead of you, but he can be legally compelled to do so.

Original poster
Anotheridiot · 21/08/2018 08:08

He has smacked his bottom before but this time it was a threat. I think the humiliation is worse though, my ds was so upset and angry.
Yes the only thing keeping me here is the financial situation. I want to keep a secure roof over dc’s heads.
I suppose if I see a solicitor I can put my mind at rest.

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 21/08/2018 09:13

What a nasty piece of work. No practical advice sorry but I really hope you take your children and leave this man, his behaviour is unacceptable and abusive. Thanks

Original poster
Anotheridiot · 21/08/2018 18:58

I have fallen out with Dc1&2’s dad (ex DH) he is being really difficult after he didn’t return ds1 home when he was supposed to at the weekend, he was 24 hours late! He usually takes ds to his football training when it is my time with him, I have allowed this as it is something nice for them to do together. Anyway I said from now on I will take ds and exdh can only have him at the agreed times eowkend and one night in week. He had kicked off and said I will have to buy him a whole new football kit including boots etc to keep at my house then. I tried to make him see sense that the kit belongs to ds, not exdh but he would let ds use it. So, today I went out and bought the new kit as training is tonigh (I’m here now). When DH got home ds proudly showed him his new boots and DH asked me where I got the money from then went on to have a moan at me for using my credit card. I said I didn’t have a choice, I have no money, DH doesn’t pay for kids stuff, ds needed the kit or would miss out on training. DH then went on to moan about everything I spend money on (the kids!), I tried to validate his feelings and he just kept on demanding to know how much money I have on my credit card, I said I didn’t know as I knew if I told him he would go mad. I don’t spend money on myself, I have just had to buy 3 lots of new school uniform, shoes and clothes for dd2 who is 3.

He makes me feel so shit. He has now told me he is not working on the house anymore. So I said ok, I’ve had enough, would you prefer to sell the house now or after we have finished the work? He replied that all the money was his, he has done all the hard work and went and watched tv.

I have had 4 dc all day, I have painted a bedroom, done the shopping, done the washing, cooked a roast ready for when he came home. All he does is criticise me.

I have just text him saying I want to separate.

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 21/08/2018 21:12

I hope you meant that text op and don't go back on it. Thanks be strong.

Cambionome · 21/08/2018 22:27

That sounds awful, op. SadFlowers

eggncress · 21/08/2018 22:38

You can get free legal advice from Rights of Women

Original poster
Anotheridiot · 22/08/2018 07:53

Lying in bed last night (the previous 2 nights I had slept on the sofa) as my back was too bad for the sofa, he starts saying you may as well fuck off now. Go to your boyfriends house. I said I’m not leaving my home, he said “well you’ve done fuck all work for it”. I just ignored him.

Then he sprawled out in bed so I was sleeping on one edge of it. Throughout the night he made a point of tossing and turning and kind of shoving into me. At one point I woke up in a panic as something hit the pillow next to my face.

He has now gone to work and I have a day off with dc as childcare for 4 is too expensive. Trying to decide to I carry on with the painting or do something else. If I paint he may be a bit less angry when he gets back. Might be worth it just to keep the peace as neither of us are leaving at the moment

OP posts:
jelly449 · 22/08/2018 08:08

I've just read your response on this thread. I really think you need to put the house, your degree etc aside just for the moment and get you and the dcs out. I know that's easier said than done. I really really do. But I just don't see how this is going to get any better - he is awful.

I know it's not fair on you to leave, I really do get that but if you don't you're just going to be living a life of misery for you and dcs and I don't see how it's worth it tbh.

Whatever happens, I wish you all the best x

AJPTaylor · 22/08/2018 08:27

I would let ds1 go live with his dad for a bit whilst you sort it out.

OddS0ck · 22/08/2018 08:30

His anger has very little to do with what you do. He is a bully and will find something to be angry about. He wants you to feel humiliated and useless, it makes him feel good about himself.

You could spend the rest of your life wondering what course of action would make him less angry and he'd still be angry most of the time.

You must put your children first, all of them. This is terribly damaging for them and the negative consequences will be life long. You need to see a solicitor and get good legal advice. Call Women's Aid - try the local number, sadly their national number is usually engaged. They can give great advice and support.

Even if you do take something of a financial hit, it will be worth it as the price you will all pay in long term emotional damage will be too high.

Finances can recover but emotional and mental health (your's and your children's) probably won't. I speak from very painful experience.

AnnieKenney · 22/08/2018 08:44

Please contact Rights of Women. He may be able to be removed from the house because of scaring you and tbe children.

Fairylea · 22/08/2018 09:01

Reading your post it screams out to me how frightened you are of him.

I would do everything I could to leave. Ring Refuge, ring women’s aid, ring the police if you feel unsafe. Sod the painting and the house. You need to put yourself and your children first. That’s all that matters right now.

SendYouUpInFlames · 22/08/2018 09:27

9h my god that brought horrible flashbacks. My ex step dad would do this to me if I was naughty. He would pull my trousers and knickers down and smack me three or four times on the bare bottom. He turned out to be a peodaphile. My mum just sat and watched him do it.

Seriously he sounds like a cunt. I'm not saying he is what I said, but for him to do that to a 5year old is fucking crazy.

Seriously LTB for them poor kids.

eggncress · 22/08/2018 09:35

You can leave with the dc and then get legal advice.
You will be entitled to at least half the house, his pension , savings ( even if in his name ) etc, whether he thinks so or not.He will have to pay child maintenance too if you live apart before divorcing.

Sod the painting.
While he’s out, have a good rummage about for documents

Any of his payslips
Bank account details
Any insurance policies
Pension details
Mortgage details

Photocopy these and take somewhere safe.
Your and dcs passports- take somewhere safe

Get anything that’s of value to you out of the house... things like photos, jewellery things of sentimental value.( maybe take to parents’ house ?)

Phone your local Women’s Aid. They will help you make a start on leaving him.
Phone the police if you feel afraid of him

Regarding the credit card, on separation,he will be liable for half the debt on it if it has been used for household or family stuff ( eg kids clothing)

Original poster
Anotheridiot · 22/08/2018 11:57

Thanks, I have received messages from one of his best friends this morning. I have screen shot them and tried to scrub out any names. Do you think he may have a point?

DH behaviour, shouting in DS face and general crap!
DH behaviour, shouting in DS face and general crap!
DH behaviour, shouting in DS face and general crap!
OP posts:
SendYouUpInFlames · 22/08/2018 12:00

Tell him to mind his nose out of YOUR love life. I would of been extremely pissed off if I received something like that off dh friend.

How dare he have a say whatsoever about how you should act, how well your DH is doing... to him.

Wow you kept your cool.

My reply would of been hefty.

dessy6 · 22/08/2018 12:09

That's a load of bollocks!!! That's made me so angry. So the fact that he works hard is a reason to get up into ds face and shout at him? To tell you to fuck off? That's all ok because he works hard......

If that's the case, I'm 38 weeks pregnant and today I've cut the grass and cleaned the car out so far. I'm also going to change all the bedding and clean. When dh comes in I'll tell him to fuck off cos I've worked hard today and that's ok. Twat.

'Give him a hug'....are you serious? He deserves a massive kick in the bollocks. Don't fall for it op x

dessy6 · 22/08/2018 12:14

At the end of the day, we all work hard. You have too in today's climate to actually get anywhere in life. Doesn't justify shitty behaviour to your OH and dcs. He deserves no special treatment for working hard. He's just doing what the majority of us do. End of

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