DH behaviour, shouting in DS face and general crap!

[Anotheridiot]

I need some advice.

My DH and I are really not getting on. We have always had our problems and I know we should not have married and had DC. At the time I was in love with the guy I thought he could be, he was good looking and confident and I had just come out of an abusive relationship and prior to that a sham of a marriage.
There has been an awful lot of negative events throughout our 9 years together, some I still feel guilty towards my 2 dc from ex DH now.

DH always wants to be in charge although he says he doesn’t, he tells me everything has to be my way but I know this really isn’t true.
Sometimes he treats all DC including his 2 biological dc badly. He lacks patience and has a children should do as I say not as I do kind of attitude. It’s exhausting!
Today he was shouting at ds1 (his sds) about something insignificant and ds1 got so fed up he shouted back at him to answer him, DH got right up to ds face and pointed his finger at his with menace in his eyes and started really shouting at him, I stood up to DH and told him he must never ever do that, ds went off to his room crying, after I had spoken to and comforted ds I went to DH and before I could say anything he continued shouting at me, he then told me to fuck off and went out alone.

It’s not just his step children though, yesterday ds2 (5yrs) wasn’t listening to DH telling him to tidy up, so DH went and got him, bought him into the living area where all dc and I were and pulled his bottom half of clothes down exposing him to his siblings and threatened to smack his bottom, ds was humiliated, again I stepped in and stopped him and he shouted at me.

DH is only happy if I’m busy doing things he wants me to do and if DC are too. He is always finding things like chores for them to do.

I want to leave but I can’t. We have just bought a house, I am going to be a full time student from September and he would never leave us in the house. Also the house is a project and we have just started building work, all the money to pay for it is in his account.

Please help me find a way through this

No of course he doesn't have a point! You know in your heart you have to end this relationship. He is an abusive bully and he will ruin your DC's childhood, and your sanity if you continue.

I am guessing the degree is nursing or some such healthcare related? It is possible to work part-time throughout (DD just completed hers) if you can get yourself in some kind of bank or agency position where you work the shifts that suit you, as and when.

You really need to speak to Women's Aid and a solicitor. I know it's your dream house, but there will be other opportunities further down the line. And it's not that important in the grand scheme of things - you must put the welfare of yourself and your DCs first.

You are those children's mother and advocate, no one else. If they ask you as adults why you stayed you cannot answer 'Because other people said I should'. You know what is best for your children. Listen to your gut. You are strong enough to do this and it's the right thing to do.

His pal needs to wind his neck in!
Look at your kids, look at you, are you happy for this to be their and your life?
Humiliation, bullying, aggressive behaviour and STILL you're thinking of things to do to try and appease this vile bully of a man.
I rarely join in the 'leave the bastard' crowd on these type of threads, but dear OP, for your childrens sake, I genuinely think you should look at leaving the bastard.
I can't imagine what life looks like through your 5 year olds eyes-what your DH did to him is heartbreaking. Great that you are standing up for them, time to stand right up though and walk.
Best wishes

I had to reply to this as his behaviour reminds me of the behaviour of my ex (who I am about to divorce after 2 yrs separation)

He was very similar in terms of blaming his anger on me or our eldest child. Also because he is was “stressed about work” - sometimes being lovely though, sometimes shouting, swearing and pointing in my face in front of the DC’s.

Saying I was psycho if I argued back. Telling me the only reason he hadn’t left was because I coudn’t cope, telling me he never shouted and swore at me as I was being ridiculous. He blamed me for everything and still does (last told me that him and his girlfriend were on the verge of splitting up and if they did it would be my fault 🤔His business is failing because he used to pick the kids up from school one day a week.. you get the picture!)

I ended it and eventually he moved out - left us in the house but now wants to sell and has shouted at me before “You’re living in my fucking house and i’m paying you money”... (he pays just above the CSA rate, that is it, but don’t I know it - I have to phone him about maintenance often as he refuses to set up a standing order and often “forgets” )

But to the outside world - the nicest, most “laid back” family man you will ever meet.

I was left with 4 DC’s & hadn’t worked for 4 yrs when he left. I signed on with an agency and temped in admin and then was offered a permanent job part-time. Tax credits helped. I am now about the start a PGCE so that I earn more in future.

The most horrible part of the story that I gaff recently reported him to social services as he smacked our 8 year old so hard she still had bruises over 24 hours later - and he pulled down her pants to do it. Her younger siblings were terrified. I never thought he would lose it like that with the younger kids.

The fact that he pulled her pants down was something the social worker was especially concerned about. They have had to pass it to the police - I don’t care what the fall out is, or that he will tell other people I am being vindictive (and they will people him because he is so “nice and kind”)

The social worker described him as someone who sounds “angry and very very controlling”. I agree, even if no-one else has ever seen it or will believe it.

Please get out now, you will gain your confidence back quicker than you think. Check what you are entitled to an online calculator and get a good solicitor.

Sorry for typos - you probably get the idea still !

That should have said he said he never shouted and swore at me. Clearly I imagined it due to being completely mad. Like the way I imagined him pushing me when I got in between him and our eldest child, to protect him for him aggression.

Also, I wanted to add, I am now in a lovely relationship with a kind and gentle man. He said he was “a bit daunted” by the 4 DC and what is going on with the divorce but than he loves me, loves that I am a good mum and understands that my DC are part of the package. I know you might think you will be alone forever but you probably won’t.

My guess is he wasn't like this when you got together. It just goes to show you can't be too careful.

Thank you for sharing all that serenity, he sounds very similar.
DH is now playing at being best mates with HIS dc. He came home from work just now and my elder dc has a friend over each, they were being picked up 5 mins after and DH has a moan about not being consulted!

I had a chat with my mum earlier. She wants me to leave him.
I told her about last weekend when I had been working Sunday morning, Mum has had dc, I was coming down with a cold, by the end of my shift I felt awful. I picked dc up and went home. DH was outside in the rain finishing digging footings for our extension by hand as digger couldn’t reach one part. I was sneezing every couple of seconds, eyes watering, nose streaming, shivering with a temperature and he told me to get in the trench and help him. I did it as I knew there would be an argument if I didn’t. That is not love!

You're right. It isn't love

I replied earlier on in thread but only caught up tonight.idiot you could be describing my ex. The reason we split was his controlling behaviour. I got sucked in but when it started affecting my dd I chucked him out.

I can remember thinking, “if only I clean, tidy, do this he will be pleased” and I’d get a night without sly digs and unpleasantness. He was a great advocate of corporal punishment which I am not!!!

Ultimately the best thing I ever did was leave the relationship.

Must say my dd NEVER experienced being smacked but his own ds sadly did.

He is lovely but incredibly shy and nervous child who is terrified of his dad

I resigned myself to leaving my house. I read somewhere if my marital home is for sale I can claim housing benefits for a rental. Does anyone know anything about this?
DH is being nice now, bought dinner (a ready meal, I’m easily pleased) and wine!

@Anotheridiot yes you can claim housing benefit when renting op. And you will get council tax reduction also. Your child tax credit will also go up and you may be able to claim income support also. Good luck x

Thank you dessy, that is really very helpful. Emphatic are the rules? Do I need to pay it back once the sale goes through? Thank you 😊

*what not empathic

This is one of the most disturbing posts I’ve read on here.

Your man is abusive. He is only being nice because you threatened to leave him and he can sense you’ve had enough but oh a bottle of wine reels you back in?!

Your poor poor kids. Being around this angry, abusive bully.

I bet you knew someone just like him growing up. It’s no coincidence you are attracted to abusers?

What is horrific is that he treats his own kids nicer than your kids fromyour ex?!

You have to buy the uniform on cc and are too afraid to tell him the balance?! Why? Where’s your tax credits going? Where’s his wages going? Where’s your CSA going?

Your kids will not come away unscathed from this. They are witnessing dysfunction every day and kids cannot easily recover from that although you won’t see the real impact until they are adults

Your kids need you to protect them. Keep doing that.

Don’t stop just because you got a bottle of wine. Tell him to stick it where the sun don’t shine

Keep telling your mother about his behaviour. If I can’t mske you see sense hopefully she will!

When you are in an abusive relationship you have housing rights that you normally wouldn’t

How much is your mortgage?

You will get a decent amount of support as a single parent to four kids from student finance

@Anotheridiot oh actually I don't know...ring citizens advice as they will be able to tell you. Also there's a benefits calculator called turn to us. And another one called entitled too. Neither of them are entirely accurate but they will give you a rough idea on what help you can get benefits wise. Takes about 5-10 mins to fill it all out but I'd defo say have a look at it x

Sorry mellie I think you misunderstood my post. I have accepted the wine but I’m not budging on my plans to leave! I think he is pathetic and it’s insulting that he thinks he can win me over with a bottle of wine!
Just to clarify I work. My wages, tax credits, child benefit and maintenance from exdh pay half the mortgage, bills, all childcare and food plus any kid stuff like clubs, swimming lessons, pokey money etc. DH wages (more than my income) pay half mortgage, half household bills and the rest goes in his savings or on the property renovation.
We separated 2 years ago briefly and he bought a property on his own which we needed up renovating together, this gave us the deposit and renovation funds for our house

Oh I was worried that he was financially abusive too!

I feel really silly mellie, are you being sacastic? I really don’t mean that rudely, I’m genuinely confused

Why do you pay all the childcare and food for his two children? How does he react when you ask him to contribute?

He says I get enough money and makes excuses that he pays for other stuff. He then says I should stop spending money I don’t have.
I explain the dc need things and he just says something nonsensical, it’s like talking to a brick wall.

You MUST keep on with your plans for separating, for not just your but the dcs sake.

He's an utter pig who will ruin the DCs childhood. Get yourself & them out of there. There are always options. Don't let bricks and mortar be a reason for staying. Your DCs won't end up thanking you for it, and you'll lead a miserable life. a

Womens Aid will talk you right through this including temporary accommodation options, and presenting as homeless. If you see it all through the house will likely be sold. It depends upon how much your share of the property realises as to whether you'll be rehoused - or not, as your share may be enough to place a deposit/buy another property.

In your shoes Id see it through to the end rather than have some shouty impatient ignorant fool in my & DCs life.

The part about shouting at and humiliating DC made me feel so very sad.