DH behaviour, shouting in DS face and general crap!

[Anotheridiot]

I need some advice.

My DH and I are really not getting on. We have always had our problems and I know we should not have married and had DC. At the time I was in love with the guy I thought he could be, he was good looking and confident and I had just come out of an abusive relationship and prior to that a sham of a marriage.
There has been an awful lot of negative events throughout our 9 years together, some I still feel guilty towards my 2 dc from ex DH now.

DH always wants to be in charge although he says he doesn’t, he tells me everything has to be my way but I know this really isn’t true.
Sometimes he treats all DC including his 2 biological dc badly. He lacks patience and has a children should do as I say not as I do kind of attitude. It’s exhausting!
Today he was shouting at ds1 (his sds) about something insignificant and ds1 got so fed up he shouted back at him to answer him, DH got right up to ds face and pointed his finger at his with menace in his eyes and started really shouting at him, I stood up to DH and told him he must never ever do that, ds went off to his room crying, after I had spoken to and comforted ds I went to DH and before I could say anything he continued shouting at me, he then told me to fuck off and went out alone.

It’s not just his step children though, yesterday ds2 (5yrs) wasn’t listening to DH telling him to tidy up, so DH went and got him, bought him into the living area where all dc and I were and pulled his bottom half of clothes down exposing him to his siblings and threatened to smack his bottom, ds was humiliated, again I stepped in and stopped him and he shouted at me.

DH is only happy if I’m busy doing things he wants me to do and if DC are too. He is always finding things like chores for them to do.

I want to leave but I can’t. We have just bought a house, I am going to be a full time student from September and he would never leave us in the house. Also the house is a project and we have just started building work, all the money to pay for it is in his account.

Please help me find a way through this

No I was not being sarcastic. Since you didn’t want to tell him about the kids uniforms etc I thought he was also denying you family funds

It is not ok to that he spends all his money on the house whilst the kids uniform needs to go on credit. Or it is ok if it’s unferstood and agreed by yous together

Uniforms for four kids can be pretty pricey

He just expects you to manage things out if thin air does he?

Painting a room so he was happy when he came home? Honestly I’d be pouring it over his head

Don’t worry about what he thinks. Don’t give him all the power. Take it back

Four kids are bloody hard work. Let alone all the other stuff you have on your plate.

When he finally leaves you should pull his pants down and threaten to smack his ass in front of all the kids

He’s a bully!!!!

Jesus I’ve just read the whole thread

He is really nasty. Isn’t it funny that other men are excusing him because he ‘works hard’? And one a SW worker too

Stay on the thread @Anotheridiot and gain reassurance from it.

He is damaging you all. Be very very careful this man really worries me. You need to get out

@Optimusprimesmother I totally agree re the 'works hard' comment. It scares me that this is going to be the norm soon. Someone works hard which gives them an excuse to treat the other half/children like shit. Everyone works hard these days, you get no where without hard work. It's absolutely not a reason to treat the op this way. Just because he goes out and provides for his family. Are we really supposed to start bowing down at their knees for this?

I have just had a text from our builder who is a friend. He has ordered the materials! He was supposed to give us a list to order ourselves!
Now I feel like I have to stay there until the build is done. Then we can put it on the market. I suppose I can stay out of his way.

I wanted to put house on market and find a rental for me and dc

Ask him if he can cancel the order.

Bugger it, text builder back and tell him you're about to go bankrupt and can't pay for the materials. Should spook him enough to make sure he cancels the order. Then continue with your original plan x

Another your subconsciously finding reasons to stay. Been there and got the t-shirt.

Leaving my abusive ex was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s not easy. When I look back now I have so much guilt because I kept my dd1 in a home that was really toxic because of my emotional attachment and I do know it’s effected her as an adult. Staying split up for the first few months was extremely hard also as I did still love him.

If you wanted to leave - you would.

Normal stable men do not do what he is doing. I think because you went from one abusive bloke your boundaries were so broken down and still are you don’t realise how dangerous the situation is

And I also hate the fact other men are making excuses for him. But I guess that’s just normal

There will always be reasons to stay. You’re never going to leave until you start realising none of this matters, all that matters is getting you and the kids away from this horrible man.

So he’s ordered the stuff, so what? None of that is anything to do with you leaving.

Could you not go into a refuge? It isn’t ideal but you would be safe and get all the help and support needed.

Refuge is not an option. Firstly I own a house, and secondly apart from being an arse crosses with an overgrown aggressive child he hasn’t done anything to warrant a refuge.

The builder is our friend. I cannot lie to him.
At least if we finish the house we could sell it and I could have enough equity to by somewhere else on my own.

He does this nice/nasty cycle. I have had the nasty so now he will be nice for a few months, hopefully just long enough to get house finished.

Someone told me to speak his language, meaning he only knows cold, harsh negative language. I tried that today, being harsh with him abd not taking any shit whatsoever, it actually worked!

I’m still going to leave him, I’m just going to make sure I get whatbis rightfully mine and dc’s.

Gosh op, really hope I'm wrong but I feel you'll still be with him in years to come. You just don't sound like you're going to leave. I totally understand how difficult it is I really do.

Hi idiot when I was planning to leave my ex (he left not me as it was my house). The hardest time for me was knowing I’d made the decision, having a time frame when it would happen and having to pretend everything was fine so that I managed his shit behaviour.

It was a short term period of time. But it was awful. I had to put if sexual relations as I couldn’t stand the thought of him being near me, I played nice. He knew though that I’d disengaged and he tried bloody hard to play the nice man, the victim, made me out to be crazy.

I don’t think I’d have managed the length of time you are considering and not lost the plot. I also had the support of my parents and a really close friend who all knew what my plans were. Have you talked to your mum again? Can you confide in a female friend? You need some strong defences in place otherwise it’ll get swept under the carpet, life will move on. Until the next time. Intilmyour children are made to feel humiliated, scared and upset. Then you will be back to square one.

You need a strong exit strategy and you need support.

Until your

He has behaved in several ways that warrant a refuge. You need help if you think this is okay < that's not meant to be an insult. Please see your GP and explain how you are living and how your so called P is behaving to all of you. Explain about pulling DS's trousers down to humiliate him and also threatening violence. He knows he went too far. That's why he set his enabling friend on you. You need to get yourself and all the children away from him. He's an abuser.

Well if you don’t leave him when your house is complete I guarantee this man will single handedly ruin your mental health, cause anxiety, corrupt your kids minds and you will be a shell of your former self.

I do think you’ll get out eventually I just hope it’s sooner rather than later

Hopefully you will get some confidence from uni

Good luck!