ExH threatening suicide over maintenance.

[TheNightIsForever]

To cut a long story short, ExH and I split a few years ago. We have DC together. He's always been a bit funny with money and it was one of the many reasons we split up. Others being emotionally and physically abusive. That with his alcohol dependence.

Maintenance from him has been very sporadic. £10 or £20 here and there but never anything set. A couple of months ago, after not receiving anything for around 5 months, I decided enough was enough and contacted CMS.
He refused all contact with them, not acknowledging phone calls or letters so the CMS opted for collect and pay.

Unfortunately with collect and pay the also add a 20% fee on top of what will be coming out of his wages.

He's completely lost the plot over it. Threatening to end his life and it'll be my fault that the kids no longer have a dad. (They rarely see him anyway to be honest, every few weeks or so). He started screaming all this at me last week in front of the DC.

He has finally, after 15 years, lost the last bit of control that he had over me and he really is throwing the toys out of the cot.

There's not much advice to be given, I know. I'm just wanting to get it all out because I'm doing so well at the moment by not caving in to him and just cancelling the lot for an easy (emotional wise) life.

So he'd rather kill himself than make sure his kids are ok financially? That's bullshit.

Seems incredibly manipulative. Let alone saying this in front of your child, which is appalling.

Years ago I left my partner of 13 years. I couldn’t stand the thought of another year of unhappiness, so told him it was over. He threatened to kill himself, and I found him wandering around the shed looking at the beams. I became really angry and told him that that would be his choice, but that I would heal but the harm he’d do to his child would be irreparable. He didn’t do it, and he eventually accepted the breakup.

I was young and I’d be more careful now. But fundamentally I knew that if he did that, it would be his choice and not my fault. I knew I couldn’t stay in an unhappy relationship out of fear of it. I do think that in this case my sternness with him ended up being the right approach, but it is a risk.

Personally, I’d be inclined to still seek maintenance. I’m sure you don’t consider supporting your child as optional, and neither should he.

One other thing that occurs, and I hesitate to raise this awful possibility. Does he have access visits? There have been instances of parents killing their children over anger over maintenance. Is there any chance he could be unstable to that degree? A parent fixated on money and feeling unjustly treated can sometimes be a danger, and he’s already shown a propensity for extreme reactions.

I would agree with Elijem I would be very nervous about access. He does not seem stable. Is there anyone you can inform about the suicide threats? Preferably someone who keeps a record like the GP.

I personally wouldn't be bothered about any violence he threatened against himself, but I would be worried about access to your dc, can you inform social services of his threat.

Def continue with getting child maintainance.

Does he have any life insurance? 😉

Ignore it, it's not your problem.

He only has supervised visits with his parents thankfully. His parents were there when he went off on one which I'm glad of as it was a totally unprovoked attack and they've always said 'he doesn't have a temper'.

I am definitely continuing with the maintenance. I've spent far too many years being made to feel guilty for asking for even a fiver. Finally got the courage to 'go against Jim's and it's just such a relief to finally take back the last bit of control that he had of me.

Don’t take the threats seriously he’s trying to manipulate you and stop asking for money , as if he would kill gimself over paying for his child , either way not your problem .

Gin, in one of his ranty texts he said "Make sure you put the Xquid a month to good use,there will be alot more coming your way soon" so I think he does still have his life insurance policy!

He's just being a massive baby at not being able to get his own way.

Oh and social services are aware, I do keep them up to date with anything like this so there a paper trail of everything so to speak.

Yeah you will put it to good use keeping a roof over your kids head and feeding and clothing them .

Not sticking up for him, but the cms take a lot more money than needed. My partner has two children to a previous relationship and has to pay over £150 per week which I find ridiculous. No children need more than £150 per week and can the mother say she's paying the same towards her children? No. They don't need that much each week.

Basically I don't think it's fair the way they work the figures out and he may be wanting to end his life if they're trying to take a massive amount of his wages, as sometimes it's not even worth them working if they've got to pay out a huge amount of money.

Set figures should be in place for him to pay, I agree, but it should be enough so he can live too. But I do think he's out of order for shouting all this at you in front of your children, he needs to pay his money and actually be there for his children. Not sporadically seeing them when he wants. And he certainly shouldn't just pay £10-£20 when he wants to.

My Ex threatened to drive off a bridge if I didn't take him back. This was after years of emotional, physical and financial abuse.

I refused unsupervised contact as he was unstable and I feared he would carry out his threat with the DC in the car. The court granted only supervised access (vastly less than I had offered) and he stopped attending after a few weeks and never saw the DC since.

Years later he committed suicide after another failed relationship and unbeknown to their mother removing his other DC from school and vanishing for a weekend. I am glad I went with my gut.

I know it's tongue on cheek but don't think the life insurance policy will pay out for suicide by the way!

Not sticking up for him, but the cms take a lot more money than needed.

^That's literally hilarious!

I could spend £150 on food if I had it. My kids shoes cost £30 a go. My daughter's new uniform for secondary school is about £300. £150 for more than one child doesn't go as far as you would think.

What percentage of your partner's wages does the £150 make up, *neededanewnamee"?

No child needs £150 per week? my childcare costs are £100 rent council tax gas electric all mount up and even taking a portion of it that, £150 a week doesn't come close with food clothing etc so yrs as resident parent I spend way more than £150 a week on my kids

I wouldn't take too much notice of the Sunday afternoon MRA brigade.

Needed
I don't have children but I know they cost fuck loads to shelter, feed, clothe and raise properly. That's not even taking into account to time you have to look after them rather than being able to use that time to earn money. You need to take your head out of your arse!

On another note, I don't think life insurance pays out if you've committed suicide?

My partner has two children to a previous relationship and has to pay over £150 per week which I find ridiculous

Come back to us in a few years when this prince has left you as another single mother in his wake, and tell us then how you feel it’s too much.

Disgusting that he’d rather kill himself than take care of his kids. He’s just throwing his toys out of the pram because he’s being forced to pay when he doesn’t want to. Ignore him. He’s brought this on himself by not paying of his own accord. You’re doing your kids a disservice if you let him guilt you into not accepting the money they’re entitled to.

Fair point about the life insurance.

Tell him if he is going to do it to make it looks like an accident 😉

neededanewnsmee

Jesus wept. It’s not for sweets you know. It’s to help towards providing a roof over their heads, electricity, food, clothing, school costs, shoes. £150pw for more than one child is certainly NOT excessive. What they are made to pay is a small percentage of a NRP’s income.

Night. Ignore ignore ignore...BUT make sure his parents aren’t leaving the children alone with him, not even for 5 minutes. He is unhinged and can’t be trusted. Whether he does or doesn’t take his life is NOT your responsibility. Not fault. He’s a bloody awful father alive, so try not to worry about how your kids would be if he did do it. They will be OK either way, 100% down to you 🌷

in one of his ranty texts he said "Make sure you put the Xquid a month to good use,there will be alot more coming your way soon" so I think he does still have his life insurance policy!

I'd be tempted to point out that insurers tend to have a suicide exclusion clause in life insurance policies.

So many men use the suicide threat when they aren't getting their way, they very rarely mean it. But I agree that you need to reconsider sending the children to see him - are you really confident that his parents could stop him doing anything stupid?

OP, you say his contact is supervised - make sure you keep them that way. You say you have a paper trail, I'd definitely tell Social Services straight away of his latest threat, and impress upon them your worries. Threatening suicide - should he even be seeing his kids, supervised or otherwise?

What a complete twat though.