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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH threatening suicide over maintenance.

81 replies

TheNightIsForever · 19/08/2018 12:47

To cut a long story short, ExH and I split a few years ago. We have DC together. He's always been a bit funny with money and it was one of the many reasons we split up. Others being emotionally and physically abusive. That with his alcohol dependence.

Maintenance from him has been very sporadic. £10 or £20 here and there but never anything set. A couple of months ago, after not receiving anything for around 5 months, I decided enough was enough and contacted CMS.
He refused all contact with them, not acknowledging phone calls or letters so the CMS opted for collect and pay.

Unfortunately with collect and pay the also add a 20% fee on top of what will be coming out of his wages.

He's completely lost the plot over it. Threatening to end his life and it'll be my fault that the kids no longer have a dad. (They rarely see him anyway to be honest, every few weeks or so). He started screaming all this at me last week in front of the DC.

He has finally, after 15 years, lost the last bit of control that he had over me and he really is throwing the toys out of the cot.

There's not much advice to be given, I know. I'm just wanting to get it all out because I'm doing so well at the moment by not caving in to him and just cancelling the lot for an easy (emotional wise) life.

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 19/08/2018 13:44

Gosh there's always one, isn't there.
yes, needed kids cost money, perhaps fellas should look after their family a bit better then there would be no need for cms, nor yet another partner, who of course thinks cm is too much.
If you will take others cat offs.

RomanyRoots · 19/08/2018 13:45

cast offs

GoldfishCrackers · 19/08/2018 13:45

OP if you're worried he is in imminent danger of killing himself call 999. If he's just a total loser who's not above using emotional manipulation to avoid contributing to his children's upbringing, then just ignore him.

@neededanewnamee that's interesting. What % of his wage is this? Could you provide food, clothing, childcare, utilities, mortgage/rent to cover and extra bedroom for each child for £150/week? I wish I could. Assuming you can and the absolute basics of living are covered, are the children to have no treats, activities, extra-curricular activities, trips, etc.? Or should the fact that their parents are no longer together mean that the children's standard of living should drop?

PipeTheFuckDown · 19/08/2018 13:46

Needed if he’s paying £150 a week he must have a very high salary and/or very little contact with his D.C. You aren’t their mother, you don’t know how much it costs to raise children especially as a lone parent.

OP ignore him. Report all his threats. Press ahead. What a cunt.

WomblingWoman · 19/08/2018 13:46

needed I think you misunderstand what maintenance is for.

It's not just about providing money for the children's direct expenses such as clothes, food, childcare, activities such as swimming lessons etc it's also there to support the indirect costs such as mortgage/rent, utility bills, transport costs in order to enable the resident parent to provide a safe and appropriate home environment for them.

The fact that the resident parent may be argued to benefit from the indirect element is irrelevant.

Having money to clothe and feed your children is a moot point if you can't afford somewhere to live or be able to switch the heating on in winter.

As such £150 a week is perfectly reasonable (and will have been assessed in the context of income).

Far too many men manipulate their earnings (especially if self employed) and seem happy to enjoy a lifestyle (housing, accommodation, holidays etc) they are happy to deny their children and think gifting a pair of expensive trainers for example is all that's needed (what a hero my friends exDH is Hmm) when at home the children are living a very different life and mum is struggling to pay the rent....he to is the sort of person who argues "how much food can my son eat" as if that's the extent of his financial responsibilities to his child....

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 13:47

Haven’t read the thread yet but call 999 when he threatens. He’ll either need them or have to admit he’s bluffing.

mumsastudent · 19/08/2018 13:48

actually in some life insurances if they commit suicide after a year you still get the insurance -

VintageVelvet · 19/08/2018 13:48

‘My partner has two children to a previous relationship and has to pay over £150 per week which I find ridiculous‘

YOU find ridiculous. Why? Because it’s not being spent on you. It’s none of your damn business either.

viques · 19/08/2018 13:49

neededanewname

"He needs to pay his money"

Actually maintenance payments are not his money, they are his children's money, to pay for their food,clothing,housing,childcare etc etc etc.

downbutnotout2018 · 19/08/2018 13:50

you've put your finger on it - he's lost all control. Well done op, for your strength. Carry on as you are, and ignore his horrible emotional manipulation. He's doing it to lure you in. Horrible man.

Snowman123 · 19/08/2018 13:52

Congratulations on breaking free, sounds like a very lucky escape.

Stand your ground, don't even flinch.

Wetwashing00 · 19/08/2018 13:55

This is worse than purposely only doing cash in hand jobs so you don’t pay tax and cms can’t take it out of your wages.

It’s laughable that he’d rather end his life. How pathetic, it won’t read as your fault after his death that all in his head

Original poster
TheNightIsForever · 19/08/2018 13:59

Needanewnamee (sorry still don't know how to tag names)

He's going to be paying roughly £85 a week. Out of over £450 a week I didn't think that was bad to be fair but maybe it is.

OP posts:
neededanewnamee · 19/08/2018 14:02

Put it this way I've got two children and they don't cost £150 per week. And in my opinion the mother should have to pay the same as the father towards the children in every family. All those costs you've all quoted come out every so often, not every week!

If you pay for childcare, simply halve the cost with the father. Yes childcare is expensive I understand that, and like I said that cost should be halved, but if childcare is not needed, like in many families, the cost of raising the children is less. And every other child expense should be contributed by the father too. But I know they don't cost £150 a week as I have two of my own and I don't spend that. And yes we have a nice big house, have great food every day, go out for meals and nice days out so we're not living a bad life. And you cannot say you'd need the money towards household bills, because without the children you would still have to pay for a place to live and the bills etc!

gamerchick · 19/08/2018 14:06

You sound like a mint stepmother needed Grin

Begrudging bairns a few quid while they watch their dad play happy families with someone else. Absolute angel you are

neededanewnamee · 19/08/2018 14:10

@TheNightIsForever no that's not bad at all and his wage is high therefore £85 for however many children you have isn't unreasonable. (You haven't said how many DC) My partner doesn't earn loads, but they're basing his payments on previous years income, which he doesn't get now which is why we find it ridiculous.

And for all those quoting wait until I'm a single parent and I'll realise. I have already been a single parent, for 3 years and my children still didn't cost £150 per week. Shoes at £30 per time aren't needed each week, etc and like I said previously. If you didn't have children you would still need to pay for house and bills etc. Therefore I don't and didn't class them as child expenses.

PipeTheFuckDown · 19/08/2018 14:11

What the actual fuck are you moaning for then needed? Hmm It’s clearly not affecting your lovely lifestyle.

neededanewnamee · 19/08/2018 14:12

@gamerchick well they get treated very well here and love spending time with us so I can't be a bad stepmother! I aren't begrudging them a few quid at all, they get money, but I know when an amount is too much considering we technically have 4 children to provide for.

PipeTheFuckDown · 19/08/2018 14:12

House and bills would be significantly smaller without D.C. in tow. You really are thick.

Enko · 19/08/2018 14:12

@neededanewnamee

If you pay for childcare, simply halve the cost with the father.
And every other child expense should be contributed by the father too.

I am sure that your partners x would jump at the chance of this.

Roof over their heads
Food
Clothing
Childcare
School uniform
Out of school lessons

I think you will find it comes to a LOT more than £150 a week pr child..

I would love to know where you live if you have less than £600 a month to pay in rent.

PipeTheFuckDown · 19/08/2018 14:13

Aaaand Step Mum bingo complete. You want your DHs money for your kids, not for his kids. 👍🏻

Maelstrop · 19/08/2018 14:14

He’s just pissed off because he’s lost control and can no longer tell you how much he wants to give. Ignore the emotional blackmail bollocks, he’s still trying to abuse you from afar. Your children deserve and need that money.

SimplyPut · 19/08/2018 14:15

Need now who's being ridiculous? Yes parents would still need a home, to pay bills etc... however a smaller home (I could live in a 1 bed instead of a 4 bed!), heating and electricity costs increase with use (just being clear as you seem unaware!) and if the OP didn't have to factor in clothing, food, activities, kit, fule for school run/to from activities, childcare, birthday parties, father Christmas etc then she would have a lot more disposable income... like her shifty ex!

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 14:15

When DH’s family member threatened suicide his ex called 999. He never did it again. Take him seriously, you’ll regret it if you don’t and he is serious.

cantkeepawayforever · 19/08/2018 14:16

And in my opinion the mother should have to pay the same as the father towards the children in every family.

Why?

I was a SAHM for 7 years, so I paid no money directly into the family's coffers. I suppose you could see me as 'earning' what would otherwise have had to be spent on childcare, or enabling DH to have the type of job that he did, but i paid in no money directly.

If DH and i had split up at that point, why should i have paid exactly the same as DH to 'support the children'? By your calculation, every SAHM in my position who separated would have to immediately find a well-paid job and full-time childcare in order to 'price match' DH's contribution towards the children.

Be grateful that you have a partner to contributes reasonably towards his first family, as it suggests that, should you separate, he would also behave honorably towards yours. I would see it as a positive, not a negative, that a dad should contribute fully towards any children he has, and am surprised that a new partner, especially one with children, wouldn't see it that way.