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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH threatening suicide over maintenance.

81 replies

TheNightIsForever · 19/08/2018 12:47

To cut a long story short, ExH and I split a few years ago. We have DC together. He's always been a bit funny with money and it was one of the many reasons we split up. Others being emotionally and physically abusive. That with his alcohol dependence.

Maintenance from him has been very sporadic. £10 or £20 here and there but never anything set. A couple of months ago, after not receiving anything for around 5 months, I decided enough was enough and contacted CMS.
He refused all contact with them, not acknowledging phone calls or letters so the CMS opted for collect and pay.

Unfortunately with collect and pay the also add a 20% fee on top of what will be coming out of his wages.

He's completely lost the plot over it. Threatening to end his life and it'll be my fault that the kids no longer have a dad. (They rarely see him anyway to be honest, every few weeks or so). He started screaming all this at me last week in front of the DC.

He has finally, after 15 years, lost the last bit of control that he had over me and he really is throwing the toys out of the cot.

There's not much advice to be given, I know. I'm just wanting to get it all out because I'm doing so well at the moment by not caving in to him and just cancelling the lot for an easy (emotional wise) life.

OP posts:
neededanewnamee · 19/08/2018 14:16

@PipeTheFuckDown well like I've just said it's based on previous years income which is not what he's earning now, hence why it's not ideal for us. I pay for all meals out and the treats we have as dp pays a huge percentage of his wage out to their mother now. Wage went down when he changed jobs. So the £150 a week is a lot of money to us. Wouldn't be the case if he was still earning the same which is why I'm saying that they should base it on what's currently being earnt and that they take a lot more money than needed.

lowtide · 19/08/2018 14:17

@neededanewnamee
Does this user really have to totally derail a thread. I suggest just ignore.

Op. Report every threat. I also suggest everytime he threatens it call 999. It’s highly unlikely he will commit suicide, but if he tells you he’s planning, don’t take a chance, call 999

PipeTheFuckDown · 19/08/2018 14:18

So why did he take a job on much less money then without considering the ramifications for his D.C. and you/your D.C.?

bastardkitty · 19/08/2018 14:19

Luckily the CMS calculations have absolutely nothing to do with what you think should happen @neededanewnamee

If your P's income has changed a lot, he would be able to request a recalculation. If it's not all complete bulshit. I note you still haven't stated the percentage.

SimplyPut · 19/08/2018 14:19

Need it's not 'to their mother' for her own benefit, it's paid to the mother of his children to help raise them!

cantkeepawayforever · 19/08/2018 14:21

Needed, you are changing your point.

They are taking EXACTLY what is needed, based on their assumption that your partner's income this year is the same as it was last year. Presumably when it is re-assessed based on this year's income, his contribution will go down again, even if he earns more next year.

It isn't that 'more is taken than is needed', it is the time lag in assessment vs payment that is causing an issue for your blended family. Over the years, if your partner's salary does vary, it will even out, but this is obviously a 'lean' year - payment based on previous higher income, whereas next year might be a 'fat' year - payment based on this years lower income but your partner may by then earn more. Swings and roundabouts, and presumably something you calculated through together when he changed jobs so as to set your household budget..

RabbitsAreTasty · 19/08/2018 14:21

need I know how much DH and I used to spend on our nice little flat, mortgage, utilities, council tax, transport to work.

I can assure you that our current house necessary to house us and 3 children, near decent schools, costs a hell of a lot more in mortgage, utilities, council tax and transport (now we need two cars and the train fares are huge because we live further away from work).

When the DC have left home and we downsize I expect our fixed overhead expenses to drop considerably as well as the food and clothing bills.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 19/08/2018 14:22

@neededanewnamee if your DP has his kids for enough overnights to warrant also needing a place big enough to house them, and he goes halves on uniforms and school trips etc, then you might have a point regarding the CMS level your DP pays.

This is not what's happening here with OP as she's bearing all the costs of providing a family home therefore your point is irrelevant.

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 14:24

Posyer on a mission to derail today. Meanwhile, someone is threatening suicide.

Celynfour · 19/08/2018 14:24

@needanewnamee I’m impressed that you think £75 a week could home and care for a child. If you chose to bring up a family with someone who already had children , then you should expect a large proportion of their income will be directed to them. Presumably , by your reasoning , you could fully support your 2 children without him - so it follows that you wouldn’t have need for his money . As a single parent who works full time in a high pressure job to support my 3 children (whilst their father languishes on the other side of the world doing not a lot ) I can assure you that I struggle to provide anything more than basics and I contribute 4 x what he does - he begrudgingly pays £125 a week . And I do all the childcare . Fair ? More money than I need ? You tell a child there’s no money for new school shoes .
OP I am sorry that you are having to deal with emotional manipulation . Very upsetting for you .

cleaningtwenty · 19/08/2018 14:25

Hey neededanewnamee, you know you can start your own thread to discuss your own issues? You don’t have to go it on a thread discussing a suicide threat...

Elephant14 · 19/08/2018 14:26

Can we please stop mentioning "need" so she gets a nice tag every time, the poor OP is getting no advice and support out of this , please lets get back to the point that this prick is threatening suicide because of CM.

As you were.

WomblingWoman · 19/08/2018 14:27

Back to the OP......

OP you're doing the right thing. Your priority is to your kids.

He's being emotionally manipulative. Log his threats and continue to make sure access to the children is supervised.

It's a very common threat and the percentage that actually carry it out are tiny.

I'm going to sound very callous but imho anyone who does this to spite their ex and avoid their parental obligations is not a person whose exactly making a valuable contribution to the world as it is. The earth will keep turning without them and everyone's lives will move on in time.

Thanks
Happityhap · 19/08/2018 14:33

BUT make sure his parents aren’t leaving the children alone with him, not even for 5 minutes.

I'd be looking at getting access supervised by a SW, not just his parents.

Don't give him the chance of even a single minute where he could harm the DC.

Tell his parents if they are concerned about the suicide threat, to get help for him. He's not your concern and you've done nothing that should drive him to do such a thing.

NoClueWhatNext · 19/08/2018 14:39

Need is giving her opinion. Just let her have it. You can disagree with her. But we are all entitled to our view, regardless.

Nelumbo · 19/08/2018 14:43

I have a very similar Ex, ignored CMS for a very long time, then quit his job when they managed to take money straight from his wages. Of course he then said he could support his kids even less now because of me because now he can't afford to live or have a car etc because he can't work. I battled with him for a long time and he threatened to kill himself. I knew it was empty threats and a way to get me to ask them to leave him alone. However once it got to the court order and they were gonna come knocking on the door his anger became a little too concerning for me and he would snap at the kids when he came round, the tension was bad. I know he has a temper and I know how this affects his control when driving etc. I called off CMS as I was worried for the kids safety and how his anger was affecting them. I still get nothing and probably never will, i try and get on with him for the kids sake, and he will never have any sort of decent amount of money to give them anyway. I'd rather not have the worry and stress. The kids have what they need and I try my best to give them what they want.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 19/08/2018 14:49

Happityhap. Yes, me too. In a secure unit. BUT the Op seemed happy enough with her ex inlaws supervising, so I was trying not to make it too much more stressful for her.

HollowTalk · 19/08/2018 14:51

He sees it as you taking his money for alcohol away from him. That's what's bothering him.

youarenotkiddingme · 19/08/2018 15:01

Agree with contact SS and state you aren't sure how much his parents supervise him with them and are concerned.

Needed it's not a lot. If he still lived with them and either both parents worked and they paid childcare or he worked and wife was a SAHM - he'd be paying a LOT more.
RP often have to pay childcare to work or take lower paid or low hours jobs to fit around yeh children.

youarenotkiddingme · 19/08/2018 15:03

Needed if his wages have changed why hasn't he asked for a recalculation?

Scrumptiousbears · 19/08/2018 16:35

50% of our childcare alone is more than £150 a week. Grin

Harpstrings · 19/08/2018 17:07

OP - This is emotional blackmail and manipulation.

If you really believe he is unstable or may carry out his suicide threat, then report each and every case to the police & SS. That way, he either gets the help he needs, or he collects a file detailing his continued abuse. Keep every text, email or voicemail as proof.

Bottom line - he doesn't want to support his children. And that is unforgivable.

AdoraBell · 19/08/2018 17:31

Absolutely right needed rent/mortgages and bills still present even without DC. Yep. If I decided to leave my DH and move into a 1 bed flat the rent would be cheap. But if I felt inclined to remove my DC from an abuser (not that I am in that position) I would need more than 1 bedroom. More water would be used, 3 people showering, more laundry done and more food consumed. Oh, hang on. That makes a difference.

Well done getting free of him OP

Anyonewhoknows · 19/08/2018 17:41

winter my mum committed suicide after years of abuse from my dad and the insurance did pay out. My arsehole dad lives the life of reilly on the back of her death.

Sorry op, don't let him emotionally blackmail you. Do what you have to do. Do not think about him. If he gives you genuine concern then call 999 if you believe he is suicidal. Apart from that just concentrate on you and your DC Flowers

abbsisspartacus · 19/08/2018 17:53

Neededanewnamee

Split the cost of childcare with my ex? Your having a laugh he has paid £400 this year total child support he earns thousands apparently until I ask him to pay then he has "bills" and can't afford it yes i would still need to put a roof over my head but the price difference between a flat/small house and my three bed is considerable electric and gas would be cheaper food cheaper you might think four costs the same as one it really doesn't at all