Seekibg reassurance - new man, difficult DCs

[littlepill]

I started seeing a new man in April & it is serious. I’ve known him for years. We have now met each others’ children. His 3 DCs 22-16, mine DD16 and DS12.

My previously well-mannered, fun children have turned into rude horrors. They gang up on me, they say they like him but “hate him being here” and they don’t participate in anything. He is very kind & giving and patient but frankly I am embarrassed by their behaviour.

How do I deal with this? I feel like I have ruined my family.

Well it's only been 4 months! That's nothing. I'm surprised you've let him into their lives so soon.

Just go back a few steps. See each other without kids present.

You might have known him years, but they met him only a matter of weeks ago.

Thanks Ajas. Maybe surprising. I’ve known him several years and the relationship is a serious one. Why would I not let him in their lives?

TheStoic that’s a thought, and also what I have suggested. I suppose the next question is when is it a good time? His DCs don’t have a problem with it.

It sounds like you have rushed things and it’s too much for them to take in.

Take time if it is as serious as you believe why the need to rush?

Thanks Sirzy, maybe I did get it wrong on their behalf. My thinking was that if it is serious, why shouldn’t they know, and be included? I thought it would be easier and more fun for them to be a part of it.

I don't think you have rushed anything. You've known him years and your children are not little. In your shoes I would be embarrassed as well. Ask your kids what is behind their behaviour. It's not acceptable at all. Unless of course you have been ignoring/neglecting them, which I highly doubt.

My Dp is someone I have known a while, before we became a couple.

My dd ( was 13 when she met him and now 14) and my son (was 6, now 7) met him almost immediately as he is a relative of my friend. My friend is so close to my kids their call her auntie. As far as they were concerned he was simply auntie sues relative.

We have now been together since May, the kids still don't know we are a couple. They know he helped me move house and decorate their rooms, they know he pops in on his way home from work occasionally.

There is no need for them to know he is my boyfriend. They like him, don't mind him popping in on occasion. I see him properly when they are at their dad's.

Their dad, on the other hand started seeing someone in May (I suspect he was seeing her longer but that's not my business) and they all moved in together 2 weeks ago. Her kids as well. It's been a nightmare. The kids lives have become so different, so fast they can't cope with it. My youngest is refusing to go back. He doesn't want 2 new brothers or to live with loads of other kids. As he sees it. There's been issues since their dad introduced his new girlfriend as his new girlfriend over dinner and didn't give they time to process it.

My point is that just because you know it's serious, you know him well, his kids deal with it ok doesn't mean anything. You need to take this at your kids pace. If it's serious and it's going to last, what's the rush?

His kids are a lot older and they are different people. It has no impact on wether your kids should be ok.

I get that you are happy and the temptation to throw everyone together and have one big happy family is hard to ignore. But slow down.

"Take it at your kids' pace?"

Good grief.

I think four months is far too quick and these things are often harder on older kids/teenagers than small children.

Dial it back and see him on your own. They're telling you they're not comfortable so don't force them to be a part of your relationship.

“hate him being here”

hate him being where?

Is he staying in their home? That's not on.

How would you like a complete stranger staying in your home and being expected to "participate" with them?

Sorry to sound harsh but from your OP you seem to care more about your new man than the impact of him in your children's lives.

4 months is clearly too soon given their reactions. You also want them to 'participate'? Precipitate in what? You can't shoehorn a new partner into their lives and expect them to be happy about it just so you can have an easy life.

Without background it is hard to say why they have reacted in the way they have. I suggest you keep the new man away from them and your home for the foreseeable future.

Is this the first relationship after their father that they've been made aware of?
Do you have joint or full custody of your children?

Should have introduced him as a friend first

Woah there! Far too quick. Being a teenager is a complete minefield at the best of times. Younger DC seem to get more understanding when a new partner is introduced too quickly as “they are only young” but teenagers need at least as much consideration. Puberty and exams with a new bloke stopping at your house? No thanks.

Your kids are telling you they are not happy with how this is going. It would be too much, IMO, to expect teenagers to sit down with you and explain that they are not happy with how quickly things are progressing, and they may not have the emotional language to realise that’s what’s going on and that’s why their behaviour is crappy - they have absolutely no control over this.

Woman up and put your children first. No one is saying you have to live like a nun, but it’s clear that your kids aren’t happy. MN is littered with people who have a crap relationship with a parent who prioritised a new relationship over their children.

Many replies. Thanks for thoughts.
Labra I did introduce him as a friend, first. We all knew him as a friend for years. Neechee Yes this is the first relationship they are aware of. DCs share their time between ex and me.
Clairetree I meant they hate him being here, in our house, but it refers to anywhere: his house, meals out, days out. Naturally, he comes round for dinners, just as DC's friends do. We have know each other a long time, so we had visited our houses before. I have a houseful of teenagers after school and during holidays most days. Why should they not be polite to my visitor/friend/boyfriend as I am to theirs?

OliviaStabler That couldn't be more far from the truth! I based all the decisions around them, they have been at the centre and they hear this. The reason I am even asking is because I am concerned about the impact. You ask about participate in what - in being nice, generally. He chooses the restaurants to suit them, the activities for them, offers them lifts, etc. I didn't expect them to be over the top happy about it, but neither did I expect to lose my previously well-mannered children. They act badly around him: complaining, being huffy, sulking, swearing. Nobody is shoehorning anyone and he is kind and mature enough to help with coping. As others have said, maybe this means scaling back. One of his kids is the same age and the other close in age as my eldest and delightful, which makes it harder to understand. Will scale back contact and see how that goes.

Inshockrightnow That;'s exactly how I feel, thank you for balanced reply. They are not little and their behaviour is unacceptable. They have not been ignored or neglected and I have been making a big deal to have time with us 3 alone, and to watch films, bake with them, etc. I have been measured in the time with new man, so it feels doubly upsetting that they can't offer back a few basic good manners.

Put your children first.

They're not offering manners because they are thrown emotionally by his presence, and that's how they are communicating it.

Personally I would have waited much longer to establish the relationship between the two of you to introduce him. Just because you've known each other previously doesn't mean it will last.

I think you've just gone too fast for your kids. I think you just need to dial it back, see him on your own more, while they get used to the idea that mum has a bf.

It's 4 months for goodness sake.

all they should have seen him as your boyfriend at that point is maybe him picking you up to take you out somewhere. Car at the gate, here he is, must go.

What the hell were you thinking? Not a bit of wonder they're kicking off if you're expecting them to be around him as boyfriend in the house.

Just for a moment, imagine yourself in their shoes. They may have known him for ages but they have no5 had time to get used to his new role as their mother's 'friend'.

Please stop with trying to do things as a foursome, thats just horrid for them. Have your time with him on your own. If someone had told you how they would react, would you have tried to get them to p,ay happy families with h8m anyway?

I feel like you are getting a bit of a harsh response here.

It feels to me that you are trying to be mindful of your children's needs. Sometimes when you introduce a partner you expect it to go one way but it doesn't. It is hard for teenagers to express their emotions and it will come out in their behaviour.
I would scale back the contact with the children but not the contact you have with him. If it is going to be a long term thing, there is no rush.

I have a child and my ex partner had two. At the beginning one was very open to me, the second not so much. It took a lot of time to build trust and for his daughter to get to know me and understand me. I tried not to take her behaviour and comments personally and would make sure I wasn't there all the time, eventually it all came together. We split there years ago and we still keep in touch and she tells me how much she still misses me, so it can get better it just takes time, patience, understanding and a bit of love.

Good luck

There’s no need to be rude, scrmuple, it’s not like he is here that much. He doesn’t pick me up to go anywhere, I drive myself, so that was never going to happen. I expected them to be polite and considerate. Basic good manners. They get s choice, they aren’t forced into doing things they don’t like. thoughtfox I am very much putting them first. To the extent where I’ve wondered if the relationship is worth the hassle.

Shambu and Notamotgerjaffa think you’ve hit the nail on the head about them lacking emotional language and being thrown by his presence. Will continue to scale back. Thanks for helping me see this. I could see that but didn’t realise that that’s what it is.

@littlepill

You can't see it but you have shoehorned him into your life and expected them to be fine with it. It is absolutely nothing like you being polite to your kids guests, you are placing him right into your family. Why on earth at 4 months are you socialising with him and your dc? Way too early to start that type of activity.

As a pp said, all it should be about at the moment is him picking you up at your door and dropping you off.

My second response didnt post.

Her dad used to pull her up on behaviour but in an understanding way, as in dont be rude to people generally not me as an individual- if you see what I mean. This was important as it didn't make her feel that her dad was siding with me.

I also used to make an effort to chat to their mum whenever I used to see her and make sure I would always use positive language about her when they were present. This also then made them feel that i wasnt competing with anyone and we could all be on friendly terms. Not sure if that is a possibility in your situation?

Meals out with them. Days out with them. Dinners at home with them. Offering them lifts places.

Far far far too early for any of that.

Can't you see that?

Make sure you spend time just with the dc, and he's not tagging along all the time.

It's natural for you to be excited about a new relationship and want to spend lots of time with him, but it's not fair on the dc. Date the guy, go out, keep it more separate, don't expect them to accept him so fast.

It's not at all the same as them having mates round .