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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Seekibg reassurance - new man, difficult DCs

98 replies

littlepill · 19/08/2018 01:02

I started seeing a new man in April & it is serious. I’ve known him for years. We have now met each others’ children. His 3 DCs 22-16, mine DD16 and DS12.

My previously well-mannered, fun children have turned into rude horrors. They gang up on me, they say they like him but “hate him being here” and they don’t participate in anything. He is very kind & giving and patient but frankly I am embarrassed by their behaviour.

How do I deal with this? I feel like I have ruined my family.

OP posts:

NotAnotherJaffaCake · 19/08/2018 09:30

Also,his children may be fine with it because a) they are older and b) they are probably mainly living with their mother. So you’re just an extra person to hang out with, not necessarily someone who’s invading their home space. It’s super hard not to get upset when other children seem to be fine and it feels like yours are showing you up!

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 09:35

I don't understand this bit

I thought it would be easier and more fun for them to be a part of it.

You're four months in. Why would you even want your kids to be a part of any relationship at that stage? They won't see it as "fun" to "be a part of" your relatinship and that's nothing to do with anything other than they are youngish teens and wouldn't want to be "a part of" your relationship even if you were still together with their dad at that age. Your relationship should be separate to them at this stage and you may have to accept that they will never feel about him as you do and that he will always be on the periphery as far as they are concerned, especially at their ages. They're too big for him to be a "step dad" who is bringing them up and who they can't remember a life without.

SendintheArdwolves · 19/08/2018 09:37

He chooses the restaurants to suit them, the activities for them

Maybe let them choose from time to time? Or at least ask for their input.

I didn't expect them to be over the top happy about it, but neither did I expect to lose my previously well-mannered children

The prospect of a stepfather can be incredibly unsettling for kids - and why should it not be? There's going to be a new adult, living in their house and making decisions about their life. They won't get a say in this - they just have to "be polite" to this new family member, who will suddenly be in charge.

For you, all you can see are the positives, but your children may be full of trepidation. Have you sat down and talked to them about what this means? For example, do you want your new boyfriend to be able to discipline them? (I would advise strongly not). Are you planning to move him into the house? Are your kids allowed to opt out of time spent with you and your boyfriend, or will you demand their attendance? They may have a lot of questions and fears.

I don't think it's wrong or illogical for kids to feel like this. Step parents are very high risk for kids - studies show that step parents are up to a hundred times more likely to injure/kill a child than their bio parents. link and although your child may not consciously fear your boyfriend, it will makes evolutionary sense to be extremely wary about the prospect of him being in the house.

You compare it to your children having their friends over, but it's utterly different - there is no risk of their friends moving in and telling you what to do.

AgentJohnson · 19/08/2018 09:37

The dynamic has changed and now they are expected to 'interact' with him in a way that they were never asked to before. Restaurants, activities, dinners at their house, is full on after just 16 weeks.

I think because you and they have known him a long time, you've expected them to embrace the change without question and they clearly resent that. Their poor behaviour could be emotional immaturity or a response to not being heard.

Take a step back and listen to them, rather than focusing on how their behaviour makes you look. Show empathy and apologise for moving things between him and them to quickly. They really don't need to 'participate' at this early stage.

bubbles108 · 19/08/2018 09:39

That couldn't be more far from the truth! I based all the decisions around them

This can't be true

You see how they are reacting to your new partner, you see their pain and unhappiness and STILL you insist on shoving him in their faces. Day after day

You are basing this whole scenario on YOU and what YOU want, imo

dilly123 · 19/08/2018 09:42

I don't think you introduced him to them too soon as they are old enough to be understand that you need adult company & do not want to spend your life alone once they are off doing their own thing which for the 16 yr old is not that far away. On the flip side they are young enough to still need lots of reassurance that they are & will always be your no.1 priority, so carry on with the things you do with just them.
I'm a lone parent & ds6 has a real tantrum if I go out with friends (very rarely get the chance though) I just explain that I need time away with adults & that how unhappy would he be if he never went to school or got to play with his friends doing stuff other 6 year olds enjoy & I don't do with him.

For what it's worth I was 24 when my dm met my stepdad after being widowed 4 years & even at that age I found it hard to share her at 1st... we lived & worked together so I really felt I was losing her but a few weeks in when I saw how happy she was & how amazing my stepdad was all was ok.

Put the boundaries in place that they must not be rude to him as they must respect adults & keep reassuring them that nothing else has changed.

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 09:43

They aren't getting a real choice. And they know it and they don't like it. I wouldn't either, and I'm not a teenager.

My dad has a new woman, my mother is dead. He's pushing her in everywhere, even in situations where I have not invited her (she is new on the scene and there was an event for my child I invited my dad but not her to) he turns up with her and I am expected to suck it up.

I don't want her there. I don't want to go to my mum's house and have her there all the time. I don't want my relationship with my dad to be defined by when she's not there and what they are doing and fitted in around her.

And I'm not a teenager.

Original poster

littlepill · 19/08/2018 09:43

Bubbles that is very unfair and incorrect. He is not here “day after day” and I don’t insist, not do I “shove him in their faces”. Your post is completely wrong.

Thanks for other replies. I will mull it over some more, and will discuss with them what they think is the appropriate level of contact. I think I
might pull it right back to their not crossing paths for a bit.

OP posts:

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 09:45

littlepill I don't live with my dad. all of a sudden this woman is there ALL the time when I'm there. She's there on a Saturday all day. She's there on a Sunday. If we go out she comes too.

I hate it, and I am nearly 50.

I'm sure he would say well we choose where to go to suit everyone, I would say so fucking what I don't want her there all the time.

Original poster

littlepill · 19/08/2018 09:46

Scrumple I’m sorry for your loss, and your situation. However I don’t think it’s fair to compare my situation with yours as the two are hugely different. My ex is still hands on and present, and I am not moving the new partner in. New Man has told them he doesn’t want to encroach on their space and is certainly not taking any fatherly role.

OP posts:

ferrier · 19/08/2018 09:47

There will usually be an underlying loyalty to and defensiveness of their father which will cause them to push away your dp for some time to come.
Does their father know about your dp? Are you on good terms still?
When the situation has settled down a bit it may be worth discussing this aspect of their reactions with them. Not yet though. For the time being I really think you need to get contact between your dc and dp to an absolute minimum. Maybe even nothing at all. Have a chat with the dc. Ask them if they would prefer it to be nothing at all or just that they don't want to do stuff with him. Be guided by their answers.

Original poster

littlepill · 19/08/2018 09:48

To give you an idea, Scrumples, he has maybe overlapped with them twice this week. It’s nowhere near the level of your interference from this woman. I am very, very sensitive to this particular dynamic and it’s nothing like that.

OP posts:

category12 · 19/08/2018 09:51

Yet you've been talking about restaurants, activities, lifts. At 4 months in.

Seems like you're now downplaying quite how present he is.

yetmorecrap · 19/08/2018 09:52

OP, I personally think you have done nothing wrong at all except maybe not understand that teens can be total ars**. Funnily enough when mums on here go on about life and young kids, I found a teenager much harder day to day, they can be complete mood sappers. What I will say is I think you need to ask your teens what they want. Make it clear the bloke isn’t going away, he makes you happy, so presumably they want you to be happy. Would they prefer not to go out on meals be included etc? Let them open up but make it clear the guy isn’t going away so you need to make it work for them , what would they like??

Original poster

littlepill · 19/08/2018 09:55

Ferrier thank you, this is perfect. Initially I did wonder about loyalty towards their dad, and we discussed it together, also considering how they might/will feel when he gets a new partner. I on good terms with ex and have talked it through with him, too. Whilst he’s not overjoyed (partner is old friend) he is supportive.

Yes I think this is a good plan, to keep discussing and to react to what they are telling me. I think I will tell them that there will be a new arrangement whereby he won’t be around unless they ask or want to be. Then they are choosing to “opt in” rather than opt out. I think some of it is the control element.

Great advice - also thanks talkingzebra (sorry if I wrote wrong name) for sharing experiences, that is very helpful indeed.

OP posts:

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 09:56

twice this week is about as often as my father's woman is there.

If he doesn't want to encroach on their space, why are there meals out and lifts and why is he there for dinner? That is, by it's very nature, encroaching on their space.

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 09:58

He's there for dinner, you go out to dinner, he's offering lifts, he goes to activities with them.

You want him included.

It's too much for them. They don't want to be a part of your relationship with him. You really do need to scale it back.

dilly123 · 19/08/2018 09:58

Aware I might be inflamed but as a lone parent of a 15yr old it's very difficult to carry out a secret relationship for too long as at 15 they are very knowing even if the man doesn't come to the family home, plus not all lone parents get that every other child free weekend where they are free to date.. I definitely don't with both dc's.. not to say either dc has had a string of uncles but both are aware sometimes if I'm going out it is a date with a guy & they are in safe hands with a sitter until I'm home same evening alone after an evening out. A bit of winding up from them both & a lot of encouragement from dd 16

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 09:59

There's a difference between being aware you're going on a date and having the guy standing there saying I picked such and such a place for us all to go to dinner because I know you like it.

Original poster

littlepill · 19/08/2018 10:00

caregory21 not downplaying at all. We’ve done all those things and usuakkynnot more than a couple of times a week. Both he and I work FT so it’s hard to fit in more. When my DCs are with their dad, he and I spend far more time together but when I have my DCs, it’s not possible. No, I am most certainly not downplaying anything.

yetmorecrap Great, yes, very helpful indeed. Think talking and setting a “new norm” is the way to do it. It’s tough because I did get conflicting messages initially, my 16 YO was delighted to meet his. It doesn’t make the boyfriend any easier for her to accept, though, I realise. Yes, mood sappers! It has been a tricky summer as the house throw themselves into teenage life! Hard to stay cheerful!

OP posts:

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 10:03

why can't you just see him when your kids are with their dad? That's what I would have been doing at 4 months in. (Am single parent and have been so for over 10 years and have negotiated teenagers and dating during that time)

0ccamsRazor · 19/08/2018 10:04

You could point out to your dc that they have their friends over and you are not hostile and rude to them. You are entitled to have your friends over and you are entitled to have a life outside of being a mum, just as they can have a life outside of being your dc.

Quartz2208 · 19/08/2018 10:06

OP its interesting that you say HE chooses things that they will like. Why his choice - its a interesting word and perhaps indicates the dynamic.

How were things decided before - you or all of them. Suddenly another person is coming in and making decisions.

Twice a week 4 months in is a lot you are rushing and creating a family dynamic change far too quickly. You may well be comfortable with him in your house but they are not

category12 · 19/08/2018 10:07

Twice a week is a lot. Four months in!

Original poster

littlepill · 19/08/2018 10:08

Scrumple You are projecting your experiences on mine. You say:

all of a sudden this woman is there ALL the time when I'm there. She's there on a Saturday all day. She's there on a Sunday. If we go out she comes too.

This is not at all how this is. Definitely not all weekends, and your meals out portrayal is nothing like how it is here. He certainly does not “stand there” and pick a restaurant for us all to go to. It’s nothing like that! Very, very removed from your situation. We discuss things and actually enjoy the discussions with him, when they can be bothered, about food, sport, travel, etc. When they bother, they really like him and it is very apparent. It’s more that they are rude and huffy most of the time.

Dilly123 I couldn’t agree more with your post. It’s difficult to keep things a secret and I had a few OLDs where men did it your way, too, and just told teens outright that they were going on dates. I told my DCs about this man because it clearly has legs and I didn’t want to hold back info. Most importantly, it felt like a good time to let them know.

OP posts:

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