Seekibg reassurance - new man, difficult DCs

[littlepill]

I started seeing a new man in April & it is serious. I’ve known him for years. We have now met each others’ children. His 3 DCs 22-16, mine DD16 and DS12.

My previously well-mannered, fun children have turned into rude horrors. They gang up on me, they say they like him but “hate him being here” and they don’t participate in anything. He is very kind & giving and patient but frankly I am embarrassed by their behaviour.

How do I deal with this? I feel like I have ruined my family.

Why does nobody on here ever see a new relationship as something to share because it's about the whole family? If op keeps him separated from dc isn't that like she doesn't want a real life with everyone in it? Would the dc not feel she is being sly and sneaky?
Op your dc need explained to that you are entitled to move on and want to do that as a family, they need to be respectful as they would expect you to be of their friends and partners.

So when you have sat down and spoken to her about how she is feeling what did she say?

My DC knew I was going on a date. I wasn't sly or sneaky they knew I was going out with "dave" - they didn't meet him for ages and ages and when they did it was out of the house, at a dinner where he arrived and left separately to keep an emotional distance from their emotional "home" space.

Jesus, some people are like rotweillers. Calm the fuck down.

littlepill. Stop for a minute. Take a deep breath. You haven’t done anything wrong. You have told your DC that this friend is now your boyfriend, he’s there a couple of times a week and he hasn’t yet stayed overnight when they’re there. You have spent time alone with your kids. It’s all fine. Some on MN would have you ‘date’ someone secretly for 5 years before you even mention them to the DC, it’s impractical and ridiculous. Do NOT tell your DC that he will only be there when THEY want him to be. Do NOT tell them to ‘take it out on you’. YOU are the parent and THEY need you to be that parent, with expectations and boundaries. Get them told that their behaviour is unacceptable & will not be tolerated. You wouldn’t tolerate it if they were like that with another friend. They know they can TALK to you, just remind them that that is the way to deal with any issues they might have. Do NOT let them believe that stropping about & being huffy gets them what they want, that’s setting them up for a lifetime of bad relationships.

Be firm about their behaviour. Don’t insist they ‘join in’ but insist that they mind their manners.

If you read my post title, I ask for reassurance.

If you read the core message from a vast majority of the replies here, they are saying they can't give you that reassurance.

You have played this all wrong and it is clear from your replies that you are not taking on board that message yet. No one is saying you are not entitled to a new partner, what they are saying is you have moved way too fast and you need to slow right down. Your dc's reaction tells you all you need to know. However you want them to put up and shut up so you can play happy families with your new guy and it is not going to work out that way.

I advise no 'lifts', no 'eating out' all together, no 'activities'. If you date him then keep him and your kids apart for the foreseeable future. He is not currently part of your family, stop treating him as such.

It's not a case of keeping it secret, just keep it separate a bit.

It's the kids home and they're naturally concerned about change that might result in sharing it with some bloke.

What's the hurry to push them all together? Op can date and have tons of fun, and the dc don't have to watch it.

Crikey, I do think teens need to also be aware that life isnt black and white and doesn’t always revolve around them , in making things so child centric if people aren’t very careful they will just end up with very selfish and entitled young adults who do think the world revolves around them and are in for a very rude awakening at some point, moderation and discussion with teens is they key here, not ostracising the new partner

No new relationship should be put above children and that's what the OP is doing - this man is front and centre in her life and she's pushing him into the same position in her children's life and they clearly don't like it.

So, she needs to back off and take things a lot slower, if she wants to have a good relationship with her children. otherwise, she runs a high risk of ostracising her children and alienating them for the sake of a new man who may not last the distance.

There's a middle ground. Under their feet twice a week four months in is too much, "ostracised" is too far the other way.

But I really don't understand the rush to include the dc in meals out, activities and to ferry them around - what about enjoying the dating and the rampant sex?

So if the kids already knew him, I take it they know he's one of their dad's ex friends then? Maybe that alone causes some issues

Your children are making it bloody obvious

SendintheArdwolves

My point was about basic good manners.

The dc are old enough to behave with decency.

Agree OP has been given a bit of a hard time on here. You dont need to stop seeing your boyfriend but definitely scale back and try keep him separate from your kids more for the time being.

My current guy gets on really well with DD6, but I imagine if my DD was older it be a totally different experience!

Twice a week four months in is not a lot in my opinion. Enjoy your life, OP. Don't let your children call all the shots. In a few years the older one will likeky be ready to move out.

These are teenagers and well able to understand you want a partner in your life as well as them. They may not like it, which I can understand, but if your partner is treating them well and respecting them, don't allow them to dictate your life .

I am in almost exactly the same situation.
My boyfriend was a friend of mine and my exh's and our children have known each other for their whole lives.

However, although the children are aware that we are together (and have been for 5 years), it makes almost no difference to their lives. We have our own houses, we talk a couple of times a day, but we really only spend time together when the children aren't there.

Once a week, I will stay at his when his DS (14) is there (which only started about a year in) and we get on great. He is one of my favourite people, but I won't impose my children on him and I don't try to be part of the 'family'. We made a decision not to blend our families quite early on.

I take my DC on holiday and boyfriend goes on holiday with his.

Once a year, DP and I go away by ourselves. We don't have big family holidays with all of the DC.

We do go to each other's big family events, but we keep the children separate. So DP came to my Mum's birthday party and I go to his family occasions, but it is very much as 'Mum's boyfriend' or 'Dad's girlfriend' and the children are secure that their lives don't change at all as a result of our relationship.

One day, we plan to move in together, but not until the children are grown up.

I know it's unusual and people don't understand how you can have a serious relationship (and it really is!) without living together or blending families, but it works for us and keeps a lot of the complication out of it.

I'm not suggesting you do the same, OP, but I think your DC need some reassurance (through your own actions) that your relationship may be a permanent fixture, but that it doesn't threaten them or change their lives at all.

Just a thought.

Brainache has it spot on.

Coming back on to give an update. I found these replies SO helpful - even the speculative ones (no, SparklyMagpie, new man is not one of their dad's ex friends but a family friend of mine).

Also, much was made of my twice a week comment. They live with their dad every other week and while it was twice last week, it has not been like this every single week since April!

I had a good chat with both kids, one to one and together. We work on a 'we don't have secrets' basis which was why I told them. I didn't like hiding information from them, and they appreciated this. Also, I believe, like one poster said, that a new relationship is to be celebrated. I am confident I can model healthy relationship behaviours to them, with this man (otherwise would not have introduced them).

The upshot is that I suggested that I will scale things back so he doesn't visit when they are there. In the weeks they are with me.
will see him if they are out or busy with their stuff.

DS said that sounded extreme, and that he would like at least one day a week where he goes fishing with new man, or when we still do something like going to the cinema together. I asked him to see if DD agreed, which was yes, so we will do that from now on. New man was hugely supportive of this.

I also took the opportunity to remind that they mind their manners, that we do not resolve conflict via shouting & swearing (as they had done with me ) regardless of new man, also that new man will NOT be involved in disciplining them, nor is he moving in with me, or me him. They liked this, and everything was immediately more positive, even being warm and engaged towards him when they saw him briefly. Shocked!! Teenagers who seem to listen!!

Am pleased you had this chat with them and I hope your road forward is smoother now and that your relationship flourishes.

Good luck.

Great news @littlepill

Children are remarkably resilient & more understanding than we sometimes give them credit for..

On the back of this post I had a frank discussion with my dd 15 who has had a few changes in the last couple of years.. her dad has remarried & has a toddler son & I've just started seeing someone who I had a brief relationship with before.. this is a casual thing no label, no commitment & will definitely not involve my dc's for quite some time although he is known to them as a family friend. Her words were well "mum, you only live once.. fill your boots"!!

Wishing you happiness for the future, everyone deserves a little of that

Great news OP.

You appear to have forgotten YOU are the adult, the parent. It’s really unwise to run a home with children feeling they get a greater say than the parents. Your children shouldn’t be dictating how often your ‘new man’ is allowed to visit. It’s one thing to put your children’s needs first, it’s quite another to be dictated to. Still it’s your rod and your back.

@Whiskeysourpuss I have read your post and it seems that I could learn from you. You said that you are 39, and you don't live at home with your DM. You don't like her boyfriend so only visit when he is not in the house. Can I ask how much time did you spend with your DM after leaving home? I also have older children who do not live at home and have not done for some years. They left to live with partners and to have children. They both work. They did not spend much time with me. Around the same time as they left home my DH died and also other relatives died. I felt very alone. Never once did my DC even ask how I felt. The only time the called was to arrange childminding and babysitting, school pickups. Never asked how I felt going back to an empty house alone all the time.
I was not given any choice in the partners they chose. I would not dare to say a word.
About a year ago I met someone. I didn't try to introduce him around nor did I have him with me when I had DGC. I was limited as to the time I had to see this new man because of babysitting. One DC was told that I had met someone so they upped the amount of babysitting so that my time was more restricted to spend time with DP. (I can hardly say boyfriend at our ages). When DC met him without any children about DC was shouting and swearing. I was mortified, Then I realised that although my DCs spent very little time with me they did not want me to have other people in my life.

I realise that our children will grow up and move out of the family home. It would not be easy for them while working and caring for children and housework etc to spend much time with DParents so why do they not want us to have people our own age group around us? Why do they grudge us companionship? What would they say if the DParents behaved towards their partners as they behave towards mine?
We can not live in total devotion to children who will one day leave us. I am all for being careful who we introduce to our children but that should go two ways.

@Stillme1 I have always been close to my mum & still see her at least twice a week. I probably phone or text her every day. And I have moved back into the family home twice since I left after divorce & a relationship breakdown. When my DD's were small they practically lived with my parents as we were there almost every day due to my working for the family business & mum still picks DS up every 2nd Friday from school for dinner McDonalds

She has a big family dinner every 2nd Sunday at which there are various combinations of her DC, her SDC & grandchildren (& great grandchildren these days) depending on other commitments & work patterns.

She is also very close with her sister & her brothers wives & has had the same best friend for as long as I can remember so has no shortage of companionship in that respect but I do understand that sometimes she'd like to go out for the evening & have a break from the family.

I am also aware that although I don't particularly like the guy anyway (he was on the periphery of being a family friend for years) part of my feelings are likely to be from loyalty to my stepdad who passed away 10 years ago. I did offer to move back in at this time but she politely declined although I did stay with her for the week afterwards (she threw me out after the funeral on Christmas Eve though as she said DSF wouldn't want Christmas being shit for the kids so everything had to be as normal).

My mother is aware that I don't like him but it's not really that big of an issue as there's no chance he'll ever move in with her & generally they go out places because as she says if she wanted to sit in she can do that any night of the week on her own.

In your situation where your children are effectively using you as a glorified baby sitter & showing no consideration for your feelings I'd be inclined to start refusing when they ask you to babysit by saying "sorry DP & I are going to the movies/dinner etc then".

I'd also point out that anytime I have inadvertently come face to face with my mums boyfriend I have been perfectly civil & polite but I just cannot take to him so avoid such situations wherever possible.

Whiskey you sound a lovely daughter. I definitely do not think you suit Sourpuss!
I was awfully hard hit when a number of people died around the same time. DCs had already left home. I was a bit scared staying myself after all those years. I had nothing to do as previously I was involved in caring for sick folks. It was a hard time for me but DCs didn't see or if they did see they didn't help in anyway. I would have loved someone to offer to even stay over an odd night.
My friends are at retirement age and some have moved closer to family or away from our area. More reasons for me to feel alone. I was told that I should not move away by the DCs because I had health issues. I now think this was because I would be too far away to babysit.
I eventually did say that I was too tired t babysit and that caused the DCs to effectively dump me. I have not had any contact for ages but I am also not being used or shouted and sworn at.
I would have expected my DCs to know that they should have been polite if distant but they don't even know DP or even what his name is. They didn't like that he was in my life and I was getting less available for babysitting.
Thank you for your response. You seem such a lovely person and I appreciate that your offered to move in with your DM so that she would not be alone. If all daughters were like you things would be so different.

Wishing you the best. Thank you