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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Seekibg reassurance - new man, difficult DCs

98 replies

littlepill · 19/08/2018 01:02

I started seeing a new man in April & it is serious. I’ve known him for years. We have now met each others’ children. His 3 DCs 22-16, mine DD16 and DS12.

My previously well-mannered, fun children have turned into rude horrors. They gang up on me, they say they like him but “hate him being here” and they don’t participate in anything. He is very kind & giving and patient but frankly I am embarrassed by their behaviour.

How do I deal with this? I feel like I have ruined my family.

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 19/08/2018 10:09

I think they are in the wrong OP but teens often are, as you said I would put the onus on them this early in, but make it clear he isn’t going away, who wants stroppy rude teens around anyway in a new relationship.

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 10:13

But you said he chooses things they will like. That's your words, not mine, and it's deeply inappropriate.

I don't think they do like him, not really, and I find your choice of language, describing them as "huffy" really minimising of their feelings.

Original poster

littlepill · 19/08/2018 10:14

0ccamsRazor (great name!) Yes, this was why I used their having their friends over as an example. I know new man is not the same as their friends, but they could still show some inclusion and not be rude. I’ve asked them to take it out on me and not on him, as it is my decision to be with him! I was not prepared to be made to feel by my DCs like I’m not entitled to a life with a new partner. It seems to be about this control issue.

He certainly does not dictate restaurants etc!! I may have used the phrase that he chooses restaurants, but they are very much suggestions. I am the strong one in this relationship and have been careful that we all get a chance to “choose” anything.

OP posts:

Baumederose · 19/08/2018 10:14

My mother put men first. We don't have a good relationship now.

You are putting your needs above theirs. They don't want a cuckoo in the nest.

Keep it to when they aren't there.

Him choosing activities? Fuck that. He's not their dad. He's some bloke you're shagging.

Ffs

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 10:14

Your kids see their dad. Why can't you see him when they are there?

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 10:14

A new man for you is not the same at all as their friends being over.

SendintheArdwolves · 19/08/2018 10:16

@Occamsrazor:

You could point out to your dc that they have their friends over and you are not hostile and rude to them

You could point that out but it would be creating a false equivalency:

There's no chance the children's friends could be come permanent members of the household
The children's friends are not in a position of authority - there is no risk that they may one day be consulted on decisions that affect the OP 3)The children's friends aren't picking restaurants and activities which the whole household is then expected to take part in during their free time.
The final authority over these children's friends still rests with the OP - she can decide if she is happy for them to be there, and if one behaved in a way she didn't like, she would have the power to not let them in the house again. The children have no such power over the OP's boyfriend - they have to let him be in the house whether they like him or not.

So it's not really comparing like with like, is it?

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 10:17

Ardwolves said it so much better than I have managed.

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 10:18

Does he stay over when they are there?

Original poster

littlepill · 19/08/2018 10:21

OMG, people!! Please STOP!!! He is not choosing everything and forcing anything or making us do anything!!!! It was a turn of phrase. He might suggest the odd restaurant but certainly 95% of the activities were my own DC’s choices!! I didn’t expect this level of nitpicking.

Whoever called him “some bloke I’m shagging”: you have it all wrong. If you read my posts carefully you will understand he is far from that. They knew him before and he is a friend first.

I know it can be easy to get the wrong message over the internet but some of the detail has been taken out of context.

OP posts:

Original poster

littlepill · 19/08/2018 10:22

Scrumple, no he does not stay here when they are here!

I think you are being rather aggressive.

OP posts:

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 10:23

To be honest, a 16 year old, with GCSE's, there is no way I would have been introducing any new bloke in the middle of that. Way too much pressure.

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 10:24

I asked a question, I wasn't aggressive.

SendintheArdwolves · 19/08/2018 10:24

I was not prepared to be made to feel by my DCs like I’m not entitled to a life with a new partner. It seems to be about this control issue

Oh, don't be dramatic - your children are taking some time to adjust to the prospect of a stepfather. You aren't being DENIED love forever, or having to choose RIGHT NOW between a good relationship with your kids and a partnership for yourself.

You know when people say that blended families are tough, and it takes compromise on both sides and needs to be taken slowly and handled sensitively? THIS IS WHAT THEY MEAN.

Did you really expect that your children would just say "Oh awesome. A new stepdad. That doesn't give me any complicated feelings about how my family is changing and what this means for my future. That's just peachy"?

It will be fine (assuming that your new boyfriend is a nice guy and doesn't turn out to be a dickhead) in time - pull back a bit from all spending time together, stop expecting happy families straight away, and keep talking and listening to your children.

Original poster

littlepill · 19/08/2018 10:25

She’s a strong and emotionally robust girl, Scrumple. I know my daughter well, we tell each other most things, and I trusted my gut instinct as to when to introduce him to her. Keeping things a secret would have been more detrimental and she already knew him. By that stage we had done a few activities together.

OP posts:

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 10:27

Before her GCSE's started you had introduced him to them and done activities together? You started seeing him in April, GCSE's started in May.

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 10:28

I have teenagers. My youngest is 17, I never moved this fast ever with introductions to a boyfriend, even with my very serious one, the one and only very serious one I ever have had in over 10 years. My mind is boggled.

Original poster

littlepill · 19/08/2018 10:29

There is no relevance, Scrumple, it has been the best time for her and not affected her exams. She could have done them a year early, for all you know. We could be abroad. She could be at boarding school. I could be home schooling. You are being very judgemental. If you read my post title, I ask for reassurance.

OP posts:

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 10:29

She's obviously not that emotionally robust or she wouldn't be "huffy" and "rude".

dilly123 · 19/08/2018 10:32

@littlepill
For what it's worth.. I don't think you're doing anything wrong or damaging to your children. Sometimes kids need to just be told the situation is not ideal because in their ideal world their parents would still be together & life wouldn't have had these changes but life isn't always like that but as a mum you're doing what you think is best for the whole family & for YOURSELF.

It's so easy for the non resident parent to move on & rebuild their lives but for the main care giver particularly one who rarely gets a break (in my case never from ds 6) it's much harder but what do we do live like nuns until they are 30!!

Not all children's reactions are deep seated physiological troubles sometimes they just act out because they don't like change as long as you are consistent with the love & attention you give just them they will adjust.

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 10:32

Are you abroad?

Whether she's at boarding school or not is irrelevant - you've introduced him and done activities together, so unless she hasn't been doing GCSE's because you're abroad and the exam timetables are different, you've chosen to do this right slap bang in the middle of her exams.

Baumederose · 19/08/2018 10:37

It is basically some bloke you're shagging.

You aren't married or living together.

You've put some bloke you're shagging above your children.

No one says live like a nun. But being a parent means sacrifices. If your kids were all over 18 it's a bit different. But they aren't. You are putting what you want first ultimately. And telling them their feelings are wrong and they have to just suck it up.

It's you who has to do the sucking up and sacrificing. It's what being a parent means.

WrongKindOfFace · 19/08/2018 10:43

Have him round or spend time with him when your kids are at theirs dad’s house. Don’t force them to spend time with him. They aren’t obliged to like him.

whiskeysourpuss · 19/08/2018 10:44

There's a massive jump between this guy being a friend of the family to being mums boyfriend & a potential step father - surely you must realise that the dynamics of his relationship with your children have changed?

My mum has a boyfriend & I don't like him but I'm 39 & don't live at home so I don't have to have a relationship with him if I choose not to - I just don't visit when I know he's likely to be there & as a 39yo I'm able to articulate to my mother that although she likes him & wants to have a relationship with him I don't & why I don't but as a teenager I most likely would've just been a stroppy cow.

Irrespective of his relationship as a family friend beforehand I still feel that 4 months is too soon to introduce him as a boyfriend & be doing family stuff with him & agree with others that at this stage all the children should be aware of is that you are going out to dinner/see a movie etc with "Jim" as friends & nothing more.

As for your comment about it would be more exciting & fun for them if they were involved... I can assure you that it isn't as is clear from their behaviour & attitude towards the situation.

KnickersOnOnesHead · 19/08/2018 10:44

OP I think you are being given a massive hard time here.

As others have suggested, just scale the visits back a bit.

I've gone through similar, and did exactly that. Eventually DD1 started asking if DP could come etc.
It was a massive slog to get through it and at times it felt like the easiest thing to do was end it with dp but we all stuck through the tough times.

You probably won't get to see each other as often as you'd like but it gives the DC a chance to slowly process the new changes in their lives.

It will get easier I promise.

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