Wwyd?

[wanteddeadoralive18]

Been in relationship just over a year and up until recently have been happy. Both have separate homes and kids approx 25mins away from each other- mine live with me full time but are old enough to be left for a few hours if I go out (16&13)
I see DP a couple of nights a week when he comes after he’s seen his kids, I have food ready for him so by time I’ve finished clearing up, it’s quite late we watch some tv and then we go to bed. Up early the next day and Both go off to work.
Last few weekends, DP has made his own plans to go out on his own. 1st weekend, we had plans(1st anniversary) which he cancelled to go elsewhere. Last weekend, we were all supposed to be going somewhere and I couldn’t leave DC so I said I couldn’t go. DP said he was still going and left me to it despite him knowing why I couldn’t leave DC (issues with exh). This weekend, I thought we could spend some quality time together as both my kids are out, he doesn’t have his kids this weekend and he’s pleased himself for last 2 weekends. DP tells me last night that he’s going out with his mates today....
I told him I was upset and how I felt and he turned it round to say I was telling him he couldn’t go. That is absolutely not the case but I just wanted him to want to spend some time with me... DP will have his kids next weekend so next weekend is already taken up.
I feel really fed up, I feel our priorities are different and starting to think I would be better on my own. AIBU to think he should want to spend some ‘quality’ time with me and maybe prioritise me once in a while?
Sorry for the ramble.... x

yup, your priorities are different, his are all about him and you don't figure except as provider of food and sex, and he is not even bothered that you have sussed him out and has turned things about to you being a jealous controlling harpie who doesn't want him to have fun or friends.

you'll think twice about moaning again won't you...win for him.

So in the week he - eats, shoots and leaves, that's called a panda relationship.

Of course he doesn't want to spend quality time with you. You can see his m.o above ^^

Yes that’s exactly how I feel! Had history of Emotional abuse with ex and really struggle communicating how I feel as have previously been disregarded and ignored for years. It took a lot for me to say I wasn’t happy with his plans and now I feel what’s the point saying anything as it’s obviously me being unreasonable.... couldn’t sleep last night for thinking about it all. DP is such a lovely guy (everyone keeps telling me!) and he really is a nice man, great with the kids etc but I think he’s a pretty crap BF. Really doubting myself that’s it’s all my fault and IBU....:(

Wow. You are the perfect cook and fuck as far as he is concerned.

Your standards are waaaay too low.

'I see DP a couple of nights a week when he comes after he’s seen his kids, I have food ready for him'

Why?

Sounds like you've both settled into some ghastly routine

And no he doesn't sound overly interested in you other than for the basics.

No chance

He is using you. A man who loved you would want to see you. He wouldn't be happy going out with his mates instead, having not seen you at all. You are not his dp, I'm afraid. To him, you are a casual relationship, where he turns up when it suits him and gets sex and food.

It’s not always been like this - we’ve had weekends away and a holiday with his friends and taken all our kids away for a break so we have had some nice times but it’s been a while since we did anything on our own....:(

I'd go a bit aloof on him - he'll either come running or keep going - job jobbed

Stop holding onto a couple of mini breaks and a holiday with his mates

It's the other 350 days a year that really count you know.

Sounds like he has changed his mind then. He's certainly taking you for granted. If he really wanted you, he would prioritise seeing you over his mates.
I would just text him and tell him I didn't want to see him again - no point dragging it out. But if you are not ready for that yet, you certainly need to be a lot less available.

Some men only want what they have to chase. I cba with that tbh.

Yes, I know... I suppose I’m making excuses for his behaviour. Whilst I’m a confident person I have no self esteem at all. Sick of feeling rubbish.

I was in a similar situation at the 11 month mark and told him I wanted a break. I wrote a list of all his good and bad points. Every little thing. I was amazed at how many bad things there were. I loved the mini breaks, the day trips, the having someone, but I finally saw him for what he was: an emotionally abusive man child who would sulk and gaslight me if I objected to anything. Write yourself a list and see how you feel but I'd bet the good does not outweigh the bad. He's showing you who he is. Listen. He will only get worse now that the mask has slipped. You deserve better.

Be less available and make time to fo things with your friends. Instead of having his dinner ready suggest you go out for a drink or he brings a takeaway.... stop doing all the running and realise you should still be in the honeymoon / excited stage

It's definitely not you OP. You'd think he'd grab the opportunity to spend some quality time with you. Is it a special event with friends or just run of the mill going out?
Well done for expressing how you feel. I wouldn't be so ready to provide during the week. Does he talk long term? plans for the future?

Exit stage left. You are worth far more lass.

I'd go a bit aloof on him - he'll either come running or keep going - job jobbed

I would do this too. Don't cook for him next week, tell him you're tired and arrange a girly weekend.

In the end, he is making you more unhappy than happy, so what is the point of him?

Stop pandering to him & do stuff that suits you, be much less available to him-you'll start to feel a lot better about yourself if you take some power back.

Thanks everyone! Today is just an outing with work mates. 2 weeks ago it was a family thing that went on for 3 days rather than the 2 he thought... last week was just a p*ss up with his family and friends.
Yes, he talks long term like booking holidays next year. I’ve spoken before about moving in and he says he’s not ready for that yet but he’s talking if getting a lodger as he’s at my house ‘most nights’ ....

Wake up, love

Bloody hell

Wake up

Sniff this

Yep, he's using you. Free bed, free food, sex on tap. So sorry OP

Would you actually want him to move in? Think about it - you don't want to end up stuck at home doing his cooking and cleaning while he still buggers off out with his mates. He will also be making money from renting out his house - you'd need to nail down the financial arrangements he makes with you before agreeing to this. You could find yourself with a cocklodger if you are not careful.

Just seen your update.

Whether he realises or not, he's a controlling arse.

Get out lass.

I think that’s why he still wants to keep his house as it’s more of a central location than my house is.
I don’t think of him as controlling (exh was) as he doesn’t mind (care?) what I do or where I go.... I make excuses for him that he’s just thoughtless and doesn’t think ... he says he’s just ‘laid back’ which is why he doesn’t plan things in advance and decides things last minute....