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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wwyd?

104 replies

wanteddeadoralive18 · 18/08/2018 08:17

Been in relationship just over a year and up until recently have been happy. Both have separate homes and kids approx 25mins away from each other- mine live with me full time but are old enough to be left for a few hours if I go out (16&13)
I see DP a couple of nights a week when he comes after he’s seen his kids, I have food ready for him so by time I’ve finished clearing up, it’s quite late we watch some tv and then we go to bed. Up early the next day and Both go off to work.
Last few weekends, DP has made his own plans to go out on his own. 1st weekend, we had plans(1st anniversary) which he cancelled to go elsewhere. Last weekend, we were all supposed to be going somewhere and I couldn’t leave DC so I said I couldn’t go. DP said he was still going and left me to it despite him knowing why I couldn’t leave DC (issues with exh). This weekend, I thought we could spend some quality time together as both my kids are out, he doesn’t have his kids this weekend and he’s pleased himself for last 2 weekends. DP tells me last night that he’s going out with his mates today....
I told him I was upset and how I felt and he turned it round to say I was telling him he couldn’t go. That is absolutely not the case but I just wanted him to want to spend some time with me... DP will have his kids next weekend so next weekend is already taken up.
I feel really fed up, I feel our priorities are different and starting to think I would be better on my own. AIBU to think he should want to spend some ‘quality’ time with me and maybe prioritise me once in a while?
Sorry for the ramble.... x

OP posts:
NonJeNeRegretteRien · 18/08/2018 14:40

Oh lovely, tell this guy to sling his hook. He is not considering you stall and sounds like a selfish twat. You deserve more.

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 18/08/2018 14:41

*at all!

Original poster
wanteddeadoralive18 · 18/08/2018 16:09

Speaking to my friend who says all men are the same.... maybe I’m just looking for something that doesn’t exist.....

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 18/08/2018 16:14

All shit men are the same. There are decent ones out there. Somewhere. Not found one yet and have personally given up as "not as abusive as my stbexh" isn't good enough for me or my children. Don't accept breadcrumbs and treat them as though you've been given an entire bakery of delicious food. Men like this are drawn to women with a history of abusive relationships and live self esteem. They reel you in with their white knight routine and then they let their real selves show. It's never a pretty sight. As has been said many a time on here: when a man shows you who he is, listen.

Original poster
wanteddeadoralive18 · 18/08/2018 16:25

All I’ve ever wanted was a ‘normal’ life which I didn’t have with exH. Met this guy through a friend and thought I had found it and for a long while, I have been happy with him but after the last few weeks that’s changed. I’ve even started to dread Christmas as I know I’ll be dumped for a family do or an outing with mates. I feel really needy and that’s not me :(

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 18/08/2018 16:42

Did you write that list OP? It will really help you. I broke mine down into: habits, personality and miscellaneous. It was awful seeing it all written down. We often gloss over all those little red flags or things that make us uncomfortable because we are happy to be in a relationship with someone who takes us on holiday and shares interests and is "a nice guy" and basically isn't an overtly abusive person. Then we slowly come to realise all the subtle abusive things they do and say and how our feelings are dismissed or minimised as being "needy." We are unreasonable and nag, and make life difficult for them yada yada.

Original poster
wanteddeadoralive18 · 18/08/2018 16:47

I have some wine to do my list tonight.... the habits one should be interesting 😂

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 18/08/2018 16:47

In answer to your thread title WWYD? I'd kick his arse to the kerb and find someone who gives a shit, don't let him use you anymore

PerverseConverse · 18/08/2018 17:10

I've PM'd you

RosettaStoned · 18/08/2018 17:20

Oh sweetheart, he sounds like my ex. Believe me, men like this are dicks! You'd be better off sacking him off and perhaps don't even give a reason why. I would go cold, ice cold on the fucker and not give him a heads up as to why. Make him sweat a bit. But that's me. I wouldn't respond to his texts, his phone calls, his snapchats, his WhatsApp's, or anything! Just cut him off!

But I learned the hard way. With my ex, I did all the chasing, the effort-making, the planning things for us to do to spend some 'quality time' together when really I was just a shag to him. I felt awful, so I can absolutely understand how you feel. You could have been me a few years ago.

Honestly, take my advice, you're better off out of this. It's a one-way ticket to misery, he will not change

AnyFucker · 18/08/2018 17:58

All men are not like this at all

Your friend who says they are could possibly be rationalising her own shit relationship

FoookinHell · 18/08/2018 18:30

All men are not like that, just the dickheads that grace this earth, your friend has obviously got gutter level standards if she’s putting up with the kind of shit behaviour, she is not giving you good advice, the people in this board can see what a waste of space he is and how he isn’t treating you the way he should.

Original poster
wanteddeadoralive18 · 18/08/2018 23:27

Well....had no’goodnight’or kiss my ar@e so think you are all right girls... really thought he was different but think it’s now time 😔 x

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 18/08/2018 23:35

Fuck him (well not any more Smile) and crack on with a life of happiness without his fucktardedness spoiling it. Onwards and upwards OP. I've been single now for 6 months and love it. After getting rid of that subtly controlling manchild I am much happier and content with my life and my children are too. Best decision I ever made was to end that relationship. I've always been one for a million chances and seeing the best in people and ignoring red flags but now I'm wiser to their manipulative and co trolling ways and prefer to be on my own. The good does not outweigh the bad in those relationships. They are toxic and poison everything they touch Thanks

WittyFuck · 18/08/2018 23:40

So sorry. Your relationship has moved to the domestic too quickly. That's why he is putting so little effort. It's like a FWB and a meal thrown on.

He needs to work much harder, but you are giving him everything and he is not giving it back. He says he was out with family etc, but 3 weekends on the trot?

This man is showing you no respect. Get out there and find someone to really love you. Perhaps don't move to the domestic side too quickly as it can drain the romance away. There is a lot to be said for not "living' with someone to keep the magic alive.

Original poster
wanteddeadoralive18 · 18/08/2018 23:44

You are both so right, I was all about making him feel loved and wanted and giving what I wanted to receive but unfortunately, it appears that it just doesn’t work that way.... feel like I’ve given everything and it’s still not good enough 😢

OP posts:
Monny1 · 18/08/2018 23:45

You are too good for him.Flowers

Original poster
wanteddeadoralive18 · 18/08/2018 23:50

Now you’ve made me cry and I was determined I wasn’t going to do that today.... thank you for being kind though x

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 19/08/2018 00:00

It was plenty good enough but he wasn't good enough for everything you did. I bet you're like me and live by the "treat others as you wish they'd treat you" standard? The bastards never do, no matter how much effort we put in. We give and give and give and they take and take and take and take and take. They'll throw out some crumbs to make you feel grateful and give the illusion of being a great guy (wow he bought you driving lessons! Yeah but he's emotionally manipulating me into sex. But he bought you driving lessons! He's a great guy! You must be seeing things wrong. He took you on holiday, he's great with your kids etc etc.) I'm now making a concerted effort to hold back on people and not be little miss nice who'll do anything for anyone. I've become more selfish. It's essential for self preservation and for making sure our kids aren't affected by twats like this that slither into our lives and wreak havoc whilst smiling and playing mr nice. Ugh. Sorry, but of a rant there!

Original poster
wanteddeadoralive18 · 19/08/2018 00:08

I’m exactly the same ‘give as I expect to receive’ and it’s certainly not about ‘buying’ things for me — I had that with exH. It’s simple... the love and care I give and expect in return.
Life is harsh 😢

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 19/08/2018 00:09

Get some sleep, tomorrow is a new beginning Thanks

Original poster
wanteddeadoralive18 · 19/08/2018 00:12

Thank you for being here x

OP posts:
Original poster
wanteddeadoralive18 · 19/08/2018 11:11

So.... got a standard morning text .... what do I do now??

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 19/08/2018 11:15

Ignore it. Don't give him the satisfaction of a reply. He probably thinks he's done nothing wrong and you'll happily fall at his feet now that he's designed to pay you some attention.

category12 · 19/08/2018 11:16

Take the power back. End it formally.

"hi x, surprised to hear from you, but at least it gives me the opportunity for closure. This relationship isn't working for me, so we'll call it a day here. Best wishes, goodbye."