WWYD? - Dating someone who’s not sure about having kids in his life

[Lilello]

I’ve been a solo parent for about 18 months now. I started dating again about 6 months ago and recently met a guy I like online. We’ve been going out on dates for the past couple of months. He seems lovely and the chemistry is good but so far it’s not progressed into anything more than a date per week.

I’ve been feeling a bit of insecurity around what he wants as he suggested he was looking for something long term when we started out and yet it hasn’t really turned into anything more than just dating so far either. Then I’ve noticed in the last few days that he’s been back on the app we met on (I checked in because of feeling insecure)

So on our last date I tried to steer conversation to where his head is at and he mentioned that he’s feeling nervous about the implications of having a relationship with me as it automatically means a relationship with my ds and he’s not sure how he feels about that. He said he is worried about getting into something, realising it’s not for him and then hurting me. He has always known I have a son and initially suggested he was fine with it but I guess as things have progressed my ds is now not just a vague idea but an actual person and it’s maybe scaring him. I’ve said to him that there’s potential to hurt someone when you start anything new not just in this situation, and I’m also not asking him to meet my ds or be involved in any way so there is no pressure on him. But I guess if he’s thinking about something long term then inevitably it would mean my ds would be in his life at some point if we carry on seeing each other and it goes well.

I like him and feel like there could be something there so I’m tempted to just continue as we have been and see how things go but am I being a doormat in doing that? I think if I hadn’t seen he’d been back online I would feel better about the see how it goes approach, but I can’t help feeling like he’s having his doubts/fears and so he’s maybe looking what his other options are while he carries on seeing me in the meanwhile. We’ve never talked exclusivity or coming off the app so it’s not something I can necessarily raise with him, although I have wondered whether to ask if he is dating multiple people at the same time. Has anyone else had experience of this sort of situation and what happened? He’s the first person I’ve met that I’ve actually liked since I’ve become a solo parent so this is all new to me. I can understand his trepidation and in a way his openness about his fears is good but I’m just not sure what to do with that info in the meanwhile. It feels like he holds all the cards and I either just have to wait or end it and potentially throw something away.

Any advice?

Long post, sorry!

Anyone?!

If hes back on the app then im sorry but he doesnt want to have a LTR with you. Says it all really.

Cut your losses and get outta there, he’s not gonna be in to it long term I’m afraid

You shouldn’t have to convince someone to be with you

I think it’s fine if he’s honest but perhaps it’s just reached its natural ending. I think he’s already looking around and so should you.

I think that’s my gut feeling too, I just wanted to be wrong 🙁 He seemed to be saying that he’s finding it hard to get his head around how his life would change if he was in a relationship with me because my ds is obviously a big part of my life. And I was trying to see it as a positive that he was honest enough to have that conversation with me rather than pretend it wasn’t an issue. Neither of us had left the app by the way or agreed not to use it anymore.

He’s invited me out tomorrow, which is the first time we’ll have seen each other twice in one week. I’m tempted to just tell him what’s on my mind. Not necessarily got anything to lose if the alternative is to end it anyway 🤔

I think it’s good that he has has been honest.

Go tomorrow and be blunt, air your concerns and see what he says - you have nothing to lose really

So you both are still on there then. Do you mean he has been active again on it then? Im surprised in 6 months you havent had to exclusive talk yet and he also hasnt decided whether he could be with soneone with a child. I dont think its going anywhere sorry op. But sounds like you want to stick with him so talk to him about your concerns.

It’s been nearly 2 months, not 6. Basically dating once per week so maybe 8 dates or so in total. I definitely couldn’t have not said anything about this for 6 months!!

And sorry yeah, both still on it, albeit I had disabled my profile. The only thing I’ve noticed is that over the last few days his location/distance keeps changing which I think must mean he’s logging in.

He's been honest about his reservations. You should be too. Bring up your concerns tomorrow, it will enable you and him to be upfront about what you want and expect from the relationship. You know he's been back on the app, so prepare yourself for him ending it. You also have every right to end it, don't be prepared to settle if he can't or won't give you what you want.

I think you should be pleased he's obviously thought about it seriously. Too many people don't consider the issue properly and then - when the other person and the DC are fond of them - they suddenly back out, causing unnecessary heartache. Far better to do as this bloke has.

When I met my DH he had a DD. I was childless and I thought long and hard before I got involved. It's been wonderful, but I made a conscious decision to reach this point, and it's right that I did so.

Yeah, you’re probably right. I think I might just say I don’t do multiple dating. And if he does then maybe it’s not the right thing for me.

At 8 weeks I wouldn’t be expecting him to be exclusive anyway, nor should you be, especially on one date a week. It looks like he’s keeping his options open and, with the best will in the world, you should do the same.

I'm in exactly the same situation so I know how you're feeling, only the guy I'm seeing is more bothered about the fact my ex will always be in my life, if my ex wasn't around he's said he'd happily play daddy but my sons relationship with his dad is more important than my relationships.
I think same as pp you should be blunt about how you feel and ask him his concerns or if there's anything you could compromise on, either he'll accept your son or he won't and although it's best to find out sooner rather than later maybe he just needs more time to warm to the idea of being a step dad and suddenly becoming a family of 3 x

Thanks all, yeah I was feeling somewhat positive that he’d been open and appeared to have been thinking a lot about it. His reason was exactly that he didn’t want to cause unnecessary hurt if he charged in without thinking. And the fact that he’s still around despite his fears has made me think maybe it’s not time to completely give up. But then I hate that it puts all the balls in his court about what happens next. And if he’s also speaking to/dating other people am I waiting for the point where he finds someone who hasn’t got kids and moves on. Just would be sad to end it

Oh yeah, I wasn’t asking him to be exclusive. I just wanted to know what his thinking was as I don’t want to be a casual thing by accident either.

Lelly - yep, I wasn’t asking to be exclusive it was more just trying to get a sense of where his head was at as I felt like I was getting mixed signals. I just didn’t want to end up in something casual by accident! But I’d rather know now than waste time if that’s all he thought it was

Baby shark - it’s really tough isn’t it. But absolutely right, little ones come first that’s partially why I’m impressed that he’s thought seriously about the consequence of whatever he does. I think in the reverse the scary part for him is that my ds Dad is not on the scene at all so it maybe feels like more pressure to him.

I'm afraid he's just not that into you. He's been honest and you should believe people when they tell you who they are.

I always found the two months marker was a make or break point with OLD and you either wanted to see more or you don't. The fact he's activily looking around and starting setting the scene with vague excuses says a lot.

Once a week dating is keep me entertained but leaving the to find something I prefer more. Maybe some people may disagree but with my DH we spent one day apart after 8 weeks and moved in after 4 months.

I'm not suggesting you have the same dynamic but the signals I'm seeing are saying it's not going anywhere. Please just make the first move and end it before he does it, it's a lot easier if you're control and may even make him sit up and listen if he thinks you're no longer available.

I think it's fair enough that he has a good think whether he'd like to be part of a family before things get more serious. But have q chat with him about your exclusivity requirements.

No. If he's back on the app ditch him. Also I've heard the "oh I'm not sure about the responsibility of a child and I want to take time" thing. Guess what, I spent 6 months worrying and dating him and in the meantime he started seeing someone else at the same time.

Ditch, you'll just be wasting time waiting for the inevitable ending. Be strong ! Xx

It really is awful like I keep asking myself why would he get with a single parent when there's so many other girls who don't have such a big responsibility and commitment:( I got rid of my pof dating profile but was curious to see if he was still online so made a fake one so I can check without him seeing me online, it's heartbreaking when I know he's still looking yet we have such a connection in person and I don't want to lose him. Maybe your guy is scared of getting hurt himself if things don't work out yet he gets attached to your little one but has no legal right to see him if you ever separated x

Treacle - yeah there is that possibility too! But that’s what I mean about the mixed signals as he’s still taking me out for meals and despite having just had this conversation wants to go out again tomorrow. It’s totally throwing me off which is why I’ve been so unsure about how to handle it.