WWYD? - Dating someone who’s not sure about having kids in his life

[Lilello]

I’ve been a solo parent for about 18 months now. I started dating again about 6 months ago and recently met a guy I like online. We’ve been going out on dates for the past couple of months. He seems lovely and the chemistry is good but so far it’s not progressed into anything more than a date per week.

I’ve been feeling a bit of insecurity around what he wants as he suggested he was looking for something long term when we started out and yet it hasn’t really turned into anything more than just dating so far either. Then I’ve noticed in the last few days that he’s been back on the app we met on (I checked in because of feeling insecure)

So on our last date I tried to steer conversation to where his head is at and he mentioned that he’s feeling nervous about the implications of having a relationship with me as it automatically means a relationship with my ds and he’s not sure how he feels about that. He said he is worried about getting into something, realising it’s not for him and then hurting me. He has always known I have a son and initially suggested he was fine with it but I guess as things have progressed my ds is now not just a vague idea but an actual person and it’s maybe scaring him. I’ve said to him that there’s potential to hurt someone when you start anything new not just in this situation, and I’m also not asking him to meet my ds or be involved in any way so there is no pressure on him. But I guess if he’s thinking about something long term then inevitably it would mean my ds would be in his life at some point if we carry on seeing each other and it goes well.

I like him and feel like there could be something there so I’m tempted to just continue as we have been and see how things go but am I being a doormat in doing that? I think if I hadn’t seen he’d been back online I would feel better about the see how it goes approach, but I can’t help feeling like he’s having his doubts/fears and so he’s maybe looking what his other options are while he carries on seeing me in the meanwhile. We’ve never talked exclusivity or coming off the app so it’s not something I can necessarily raise with him, although I have wondered whether to ask if he is dating multiple people at the same time. Has anyone else had experience of this sort of situation and what happened? He’s the first person I’ve met that I’ve actually liked since I’ve become a solo parent so this is all new to me. I can understand his trepidation and in a way his openness about his fears is good but I’m just not sure what to do with that info in the meanwhile. It feels like he holds all the cards and I either just have to wait or end it and potentially throw something away.

Any advice?

I think good on him that he's taking this very seriously. He's got engine concerns and is making sure that he will be able to deal with them and wants the responsibility of being a father to another man's child.

Thanks, I’m going to see how it goes actually. I really appreciate his openness and how much thought he’s putting into this. He said he felt like he was revealing a bit too much almost to say that he couldn’t help imagining himself as his dad so I don’t think he’s saying he doesn’t want to be a step parent at all, just that he’s not taking it lightly and wants to be sure.

If he doesn't see what you're doing as casual, why is he still on the dating app? Personally, I think you are both running before you can walk. Jesus, you haven't had the exclusive talk yet.

It's good he was so open but that would have freaked me out abit tbh

Good luck OP

Sparkly - thanks, yeah I know what you mean but I’d rather that than know nothing at all about what he’s thinking. I’d originally thought he was unsure about the responsibility, so was a bit of a surprise he was imagining himself as a Dad instead and trying to figure out if he could get past the ‘not his’ thing. I think that’s why he kept saying he was worried about being too honest.