WWYD? - Dating someone who’s not sure about having kids in his life

[Lilello]

I’ve been a solo parent for about 18 months now. I started dating again about 6 months ago and recently met a guy I like online. We’ve been going out on dates for the past couple of months. He seems lovely and the chemistry is good but so far it’s not progressed into anything more than a date per week.

I’ve been feeling a bit of insecurity around what he wants as he suggested he was looking for something long term when we started out and yet it hasn’t really turned into anything more than just dating so far either. Then I’ve noticed in the last few days that he’s been back on the app we met on (I checked in because of feeling insecure)

So on our last date I tried to steer conversation to where his head is at and he mentioned that he’s feeling nervous about the implications of having a relationship with me as it automatically means a relationship with my ds and he’s not sure how he feels about that. He said he is worried about getting into something, realising it’s not for him and then hurting me. He has always known I have a son and initially suggested he was fine with it but I guess as things have progressed my ds is now not just a vague idea but an actual person and it’s maybe scaring him. I’ve said to him that there’s potential to hurt someone when you start anything new not just in this situation, and I’m also not asking him to meet my ds or be involved in any way so there is no pressure on him. But I guess if he’s thinking about something long term then inevitably it would mean my ds would be in his life at some point if we carry on seeing each other and it goes well.

I like him and feel like there could be something there so I’m tempted to just continue as we have been and see how things go but am I being a doormat in doing that? I think if I hadn’t seen he’d been back online I would feel better about the see how it goes approach, but I can’t help feeling like he’s having his doubts/fears and so he’s maybe looking what his other options are while he carries on seeing me in the meanwhile. We’ve never talked exclusivity or coming off the app so it’s not something I can necessarily raise with him, although I have wondered whether to ask if he is dating multiple people at the same time. Has anyone else had experience of this sort of situation and what happened? He’s the first person I’ve met that I’ve actually liked since I’ve become a solo parent so this is all new to me. I can understand his trepidation and in a way his openness about his fears is good but I’m just not sure what to do with that info in the meanwhile. It feels like he holds all the cards and I either just have to wait or end it and potentially throw something away.

Any advice?

Cool it, keep him as a friend as you obviously like eachother but see other men. Plenty of fish in the sea!

(Btw, I wouldn't worry too much about someone saying they don't want children. I've heard so many, men and women, who have said the same but then change their minds.)

Rebecca - thanks, I’m gonna speak to him later and see how that goes, which might result in cooling / ending anyway. I actually don’t think I want anymore kids so it’s not about having more with anyone. Just that someone accepts that I already have one! I’ve always been up front about having my Ds and in this case he always showed a lot of interest in him too so I thought he was ok with the idea, but maybe the reality is something different. Just a shame if so

I'm with the posters who say it's only 8 weeks.
I'd be scared or have nerves about someone asking me about being involved long term with their child after 8 weeks. It wouldn't mean I didn't like the person. It would mean I was getting to know them, their situation, thinking about what the future might entail if this was to go further.
You don't really know anyone after 8 weeks to know if you want to be a long term relationship, let alone a step parent.

See how it goes, have a chat with him, it may fizzle naturally, he may not be interested or he may just be a reasonable guy who is aware what it is to get involved in a child's life (unlike guys we read about on here who think they can walk in, play half arsed daddy because they want to sleep with mum but make it obvious they have an issue with mum's kids).

I think he's wasting your time, sorry OP. He'll fanny about keeping you at arms length dithering about whether he deigns you good enough for him or not, whilst he continues to enjoy casual dates and sex with you, whilst also talking to other women.

I think his attitude is disrespectful. Sure, being in a relationship with someone who has children isn't for everyone. In that case, he shouldn't starting dating single parents and give them the vague impression that he is open to a relationship then tell them later down the line, once they have feelings for him, that he actually isn't.

Maisy - yep totally agree it’s too soon to be thinking about involving him in ds life. I’ve actually said I wouldnt want that right now, so that’s not what I was asking him. I just said I wasn’t sure where his head was at as in some respects he was coming across very keen but in other ways like he was having niggles. He still texts me everyday, actively sets up dates, came to see me before I went on hol, etc. But I didn’t want to interpret those things in the wrong way as I didn’t want to get into a casual relationship by accident if that’s all it was to him. So I thought best to make it clear that’s not what I wanted. His response actually surprised me because it was him that appeared to be thinking about the long term implications. I’m kind of pleased that he has considered things before just diving in but in the meanwhile I feel like it’s just a waiting game where he might decide it’s not what he wants and I’ve wasted my time. Or I end it in anticipation of that but will probably wonder what might have been 🙈

Lookat - hadn’t really thought about it being disrespectful. I thought it was quite open? Yes he has started dating me knowing I have a child but it seems feasible that being ok with the idea of something and the potential reality are quite different and maybe he’s a bit spooked? I agree though if the outcome ends up being it’s not for him then I would suggest to him not to date anyone else with kids as if he’s learnt that about himself then it wouldn’t be fair to do the same thing to someone else.

*(Btw, I wouldn't worry too much about someone saying they don't want children. I've heard so many, men and women, who have said the same but then change their minds.)

But plenty don't, so it is foollish - as I have seen on many threads over the eight years I've been on MN - for anyone to continue seeing someone if they actually do assume or hope the other person will change their mind and get heartbroken years down the road because they didn't. Amazing how often it's the person who was totally upfront from the beginning who is the bad guy.

I think his attitude is disrespectful. Sure, being in a relationship with someone who has children isn't for everyone.

But maybe you don't realise it until you've been seeing someone for a while, realise how tied down it can make you as a parent compared to the non-parent? if you've had no actual experience or very very limited experience with children how do you know? It's not disrespectful unless you string someone along for ages before you "realise".

Shatners - for me, I’m not worried about whether or not he wants children. I’m actually more in favour of not having anymore myself. So it’s more about whether he’s take on the one I do have!

Agree with you on the not necessarily disrespectful idea. He doesn’t have much experience with kids. He actually said he wasn’t a fan until some of his friends started having kids and now he likes them for their unfiltered view on the world. But I guess there’s obviously a big difference between thinking that and the reality of having one in your life. None of his friends that live locally have any kids.

Whoops typo, was supposed to say what’s his take on the one I do have. ie how he feels about that not taking ds on!! 🙈😳

Ahahaha @Megsmagicalboobs what a load of bollocks 😂😂😂

Good luck with your chat OP.

Still being on the dating app is a dead giveaway, he's still shopping and he has no intention of cutting the tags just in case he chooses to exchange you for someone else. Only, he's decided that the guff about your son sounds more acceptable and given all the 'at least he's being honest' comments, that's a pretty astute observation.

Funny how he was 'upfront' about not being sure about being in a relationship with someone with a child but neglected to mention he is still actively looking.

I been OD for a few years now, it is tough out there! Lot of men have a sweet shop mentality on there or they are not over their ex!

It is not a good sign you are not exclusive yet and doubly not good he admits he is wary of the fact you have a child.

I been dating my current guy for three months now, we are exclusive and he took his profile down when we had the exclusivity talk. He has met my daughter and they get on really well. I couldn't imagine dating someone who had an issue with my child, that is an massive part of your life which will never change.

I would next this one, your his 'miss right now'.

Sparkly keep dreaming and hoping
You folks keep this board alive with your constant is he into me posts?/he is still online despite months of dating and similar
Bottom line is men have the upper hand with OLD... like it or leave it

many but not all will screw countless women just for the experience then dump and move on to their next best shot.

The ones that tend to settle tend not to be cream of the crop too... I said MOST not ALL

I'm in a relationship from OLD thank you love 😂

Take it you've had your fair share of these men using you for a quick, cheap shag eh?

But thanks for the laugh

No I haven’t I’m happily married from real life!

Lot of men have a sweet shop mentality on there or they are not over their ex!

That applies just as equally to women as well as men. I say that from experience too.

Online dating is tricky but then so is a man or woman you meet in a bar .they could secretly have a partner or spouse but if you don't take the risk then what's the point. You live and learn and survive to tell the tale .I met my man online and he was my perfect match .

Hope your conversation today gives you what you want/need to move forward, OP.

My couple of attempts at dating/relationships as a lone parent have been enjoyable but also impossible. One in particular was very open (good) and conflicted (less good) about the impact of me being a parent. She really tried, and she liked the idea of me being a parent, but in practice it was just too much I think. I don't think I'd take a chance on anyone's ambivalence again - it'd have to be someone who fully understood the implications of dating a parent, and saw it as a straightforward bonus. This may be asking for the moon on a stick(?) but that's ok as I don't have the space for a relationship ATM anyway.

Thanks for the replies all, it’s actually helpful to hear the disagreeing views as it’s helped me think more about what is it I want rather than worry so much about what he’s thinking/wants. So I’ll just try and be up front and get as much clarity as I can and try not to worry too much about what that might mean (end things vs. carry on) To be fair to him we have not had any exclusivity discussion so my logical head says he’s within his rights to still be looking (I went on a night out recently and still found myself doing the same for the exact same reason) so I might not like to know it but doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be doing it. It’s whether I should draw any conclusions from that and let it influence any decisions I make about what I will/won’t accept

I hope I don’t have unrealistic expectations of dating as a solo parent (in general I mean)! The other solo parents I know of either directly or indirectly have almost all seemed to find new relationships relatively easily. It’s partially why I hadn’t really thought of things from the other perspective. Especially as dating in your 30s plus there must be a good proportion of people that do have kids. Anyway, will see

You're doing great .it is lot tougher trying to find someone when you're 30 plus esp as a single parent but you're expectations aren't unrealistic at all .hope tonight goes well for you .

My serious relationships were always exclusive fairly quickly, definitely within the first month. The ones that were still going by your stage without any mention of exclusivity didn’t go anywhere. At all. Since he’s still using the app, that’s more reason to believe this isn’t heading anywhere fast.

How did you get on OP?

He kind of opened the door to the conversation himself because he asked me about why ds’s Dad not on the scene. So we spoke about that for a while. I mentioned I’d spoken about ds with him quite a bit because he’d shown an interest in him but now I wondered if it was the right thing to do if he has reservations. He said he likes hearing about ds but it makes him imagine being in a Dad role to him and then there’s a niggling voice in the back of his mind that says but he’s not his. He also said when he sees pics of him he can’t help wonder what features he has of his dad’s. And it’s those thoughts that are making him worry about the long term. He’s apparently spoken to a friend who is a step dad himself and he’s told him that it’s normal to feel these things and it just takes time for them to be less important so that’s what he’s asked from me and that he’d honest with me about anything on his mind in the meanwhile.

He said he doesn’t see what we’re doing as casual and I mentioned I don’t do multiple dating/sleeping around and if he did then that would be a red line for me and he says he doesn’t and won’t. So I’ve just been really clear and said I have to trust that he respects that’s my boundary. I feel a lot better having spoken about things, it was a loooong conversation and I was really surprised at the depth he’d been thinking about things. He said in a perfect world we could rewind several years, we’d be doing what we are now and my ds would have been his. That if things are to progress into a proper relationship he wouldn’t want to be this detached person in his life, he’d want to be in a Dad type role which is why he’s thinking about it so much. It is all a bit full on and a lot to take in, he thought maybe he was being too honest in sharing his thinking but my gut feeling is that it’s good he’s putting thought into it before diving in head first.

I think maybe you should end things as he wants his own child with someone without step children. Unless you can just see this relationship as fun, but I think it's gone past that for you hasn't it? You'll be hurt if it ends but 100 times worse if you let it go on further.