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Original poster

WWYD? - Dating someone who’s not sure about having kids in his life

80 replies

Lilello · 16/08/2018 16:40

I’ve been a solo parent for about 18 months now. I started dating again about 6 months ago and recently met a guy I like online. We’ve been going out on dates for the past couple of months. He seems lovely and the chemistry is good but so far it’s not progressed into anything more than a date per week.

I’ve been feeling a bit of insecurity around what he wants as he suggested he was looking for something long term when we started out and yet it hasn’t really turned into anything more than just dating so far either. Then I’ve noticed in the last few days that he’s been back on the app we met on (I checked in because of feeling insecure)

So on our last date I tried to steer conversation to where his head is at and he mentioned that he’s feeling nervous about the implications of having a relationship with me as it automatically means a relationship with my ds and he’s not sure how he feels about that. He said he is worried about getting into something, realising it’s not for him and then hurting me. He has always known I have a son and initially suggested he was fine with it but I guess as things have progressed my ds is now not just a vague idea but an actual person and it’s maybe scaring him. I’ve said to him that there’s potential to hurt someone when you start anything new not just in this situation, and I’m also not asking him to meet my ds or be involved in any way so there is no pressure on him. But I guess if he’s thinking about something long term then inevitably it would mean my ds would be in his life at some point if we carry on seeing each other and it goes well.

I like him and feel like there could be something there so I’m tempted to just continue as we have been and see how things go but am I being a doormat in doing that? I think if I hadn’t seen he’d been back online I would feel better about the see how it goes approach, but I can’t help feeling like he’s having his doubts/fears and so he’s maybe looking what his other options are while he carries on seeing me in the meanwhile. We’ve never talked exclusivity or coming off the app so it’s not something I can necessarily raise with him, although I have wondered whether to ask if he is dating multiple people at the same time. Has anyone else had experience of this sort of situation and what happened? He’s the first person I’ve met that I’ve actually liked since I’ve become a solo parent so this is all new to me. I can understand his trepidation and in a way his openness about his fears is good but I’m just not sure what to do with that info in the meanwhile. It feels like he holds all the cards and I either just have to wait or end it and potentially throw something away.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilello · 16/08/2018 20:45

Cowgirl - yep this is exactly my worry. Even if he thinks he’s taking his time to get his head around it. If he’s also looking at other options then is that the answer but he’s not willing to admit it yet. It’s just throwing me that he now seems to want to spend more time together. Not sure what to make of it all

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilello · 16/08/2018 20:53

Baby shark - yeah maybe I hadn’t considered that. The way he talked about it he was saying that he knows things would normally be progressing to a next stage by now but he’s holding back from that because he wants to be sure how he feels about a relationship that comes with a kid and he doesn’t want to get into something that he later realises was the wrong thing for him and then hurt people as a result. It seemed genuine to be honest. If it wasn’t for seeing that he’d been back online I would just play it by ear, but that really niggles at me. Like he’s exploring his other options and maybe that’s what might make his mind up ultimately if he meets someone with no kids. And that doesn’t feel great.

Have you seen your guy online then? I do think sometimes with online there’s an element of addictive-ness to it that makes people think lll just keep swiping see who else comes up. But sets people up to never feel happy I think

OP posts:
Megsmagicalboobs · 16/08/2018 22:02

What is it with women and OLD
Always meeting men on these silly apps and expecting the world- ie marriage and even him taking on another mans kids!

Can’t they see the majority of men on these sites are fake and are only after a variety of fuck- they don’t go into it thinking about their options

No matter the age the majority are thinking about the number of different women they can bang especially on the apps- trust me!
The only people looking for LTR and marriage based purely on a picture and then hope that he has a good job are women!

Please go over to MGTOW and see how most modern men think

Unless you’re a 8/10 and above it’s slim pickings for women OLD and the men (not even the best) will date you, fuck you but not going to marry you and will always keep looking and waiting for that 8/10 woman.

Mummybearpeanut · 16/08/2018 22:13

Hi ladies .lilello really hope it's just the jitters but until you ask him outright you won't know .like you say you won't have lost anything ,sometimes guys say things but mean another but sometimes they are telling the truth .I met my guy online and he is genuine 3 years on still going strong .ladies just be yourselves live your life and even if you're over a size 10 or over 30 happiness awaits you .image is just that it doesn't define you .xxxx

Original poster
Lilello · 16/08/2018 22:15

Er ok thanks for that insight. As it happens I don’t believe in marriage or expect anyone to ‘take on’ anything. I have my own well paid job, and nothing in my post suggested I was expecting any of what you’ve said but never mind if that doesn’t meet your own assumptions hey?!

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 16/08/2018 22:18

Megsmagicalboobs

You sound incredibly bitter and I’d say about 92% of your post is utter bollocks

ALL my married friends bar 2 got together from online dating and all seem to be good, faithful men. DP and I met each other on online dating and he’s amazing. So do kindly fuck right off with your bitter assumptions!

Quangot · 16/08/2018 22:18

Move on now. You would be permanently hanging on to see if he changed. There's no sign of that now and it would be better to get on with meeting someone more compatible. He has said what he thinks quite mildly but I think the message is clear.

RedPanda2 · 16/08/2018 22:20

I urge everyone NOT to go on the MGTOW forums unless you like misogyny. It's basically Incels annoyed because women won't fuck them even though they're nice to them. OP just have an honest conversation with him.

ShirleyPhallus · 16/08/2018 22:24

That poster has a real bee in her bonnet about the MGTOW forum (which I’ve never heard of) as she’s only registered to post about them Hmm

Seems to be lots of micro-penised ugly men sitting around being bitter about not getting laid

RedPanda2 · 16/08/2018 22:28

@ShirleyPhallus yep, sad menz club

Megsmagicalboobs · 16/08/2018 22:32

Bitter!
Nah just telling the truth which clearly most of you cannot handle

Megsmagicalboobs · 16/08/2018 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ShirleyPhallus · 16/08/2018 22:35

Absolutely not. I’m a solid 10/10.

Mummybearpeanut · 16/08/2018 22:43

Even if her guy doesn't want to be with her for the reason he says she sounds a lovely person and will have no problem meeting other prospective partners what's the saying you've got to kiss a few frogs before you find your Prince . End of day if you don't ask or try you'll never know .whatever your wish is ladies go grab it by the big hairy balls .

Original poster
Lilello · 16/08/2018 22:43

Mummybear - thanks, I think I will just talk to him about it tomorrow and see what happens. Better to have things out in the open rather than wonder.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilello · 16/08/2018 22:47

Whoops crossed posts. He hasn’t said he wants to end things, just that he’s cautious about diving into relationship territory because the implications of a child to him is that it would be a big life change, responsibilities he doesn’t have at the moment etc. Of course it could be an excuse to keep things in a casual zone but then I guess then I could also make my own decision how long I want to continue with that for or not.

P.s. thanks for your kind words mummybear!

OP posts:
Mummybearpeanut · 16/08/2018 22:51

Anytime hun.hope you get on ok. He's been honest with you unlike some guys lol.but you've the right idea just talk to him bout what's on your mind and listen to his side .if it doesn't work out you're free to meet someone who's ready ,I know you don't expect a guy to take on your ds but the right one will automatically you're a package .xxxx

gg1234 · 16/08/2018 22:58

His fears are a very genuine. He has been completely honest with you regarding this. There are endless possibilities here. He might date someone and you too and then find out you are Better in all sense and continue with you for better and long. He might not even come back after a certain time. So it's upto you to give him a chance or not. In my opinion I would rather see it more without strings attached, and tested the waters. He has been truthful else he would might just give you false hopes and left anyway

Megsmagicalboobs · 16/08/2018 22:58

Doubt it

gg1234 · 16/08/2018 23:02

But it's still a doubt. So better test.

Mummybearpeanut · 16/08/2018 23:03

I agree gg .see how it all pans out and take it from there .if he weren't into you he wouldn't want to see you tmw night .takes a brave bloke to admit he's apprehensive and the reasons why .either outcome you'll be fine and have faced it SmileSmile

bitheby · 16/08/2018 23:07

WTF with the scoring thing. Real people don't talk like that do they.

And yes, I'm a 1/10 which is why I don't agree with you.

Grin
Original poster
Lilello · 16/08/2018 23:08

Thanks ladies, may post again with how it went xx

OP posts:
Blackbirdblue30 · 16/08/2018 23:10

I don't actually know the website but a mate of mine met and eventually married a guy she met on a dating site for parents. You're always going to come with a kid, maybe start looking at guys who get it. Don't waste your time on this one.

Mummybearpeanut · 16/08/2018 23:11

Good luck hun xxx