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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He calls my son names

124 replies

Sally16777 · 15/08/2018 17:18

Hey,

I have been with my boyfriend for six years, it has been a difficult relationship and my teenage son has been very naughty over the years, he’s made my life very difficult at times and now lives with his dad, although we remain close despite the difficulties.

My boyfriend has witnessed much of this, we have never lived together and just won’t get past my sons behaviour, which was basically lots of teenage anger and nastiness, nothing terrible.

We were out with friends the other night and he told them my son was a fat c. Of course they were shocked and disgusted. His friend spoke to him the next day and said he can’t call my son those names, he’s still only 16, and I said to him the next day to not do it and he said ‘but he is a fat c. This is never to my sons face as my boyfriend wants never to see him again after the troubles we have had where as I am trying to move on and rebuild our relationship and make sure he does well at college etc.,

The fact he calls my son these names has made me realise I need to end the relationship..is it as bad as I think it is that he calls my son these names in his absence? Or should I understand that he didn’t like his behaviour and this is ok?

I adore my son despite everything and I just can’t bare the names I hear him called.

OP posts:

LadyInParis · 16/08/2018 17:22

@OhHelpNooo Erm, I AM actually diagnosed with this and other mental health issues. I deal with it by laughing at myself calling myself a weirdo as it makes it easier for me.
I did not call people with OCD weirdos. Only myself. So if you have a problem with the terminology I use toward myself and no others, in order to better deal with it personally, then I apologise. But I will deal with my condition however I choose, that is not your choice to make I'm afraid

OP congratulations you did so well! I knew you could do it! Strong lady. Well done. I'm glad your son is doing better too

OhHelpNooo · 16/08/2018 18:15

LadyInParis Indeed it is not my choice to decide how you deal with your condition, but neither is it yours to use disparaging language (which was without reference or context in regard to your own situation) in relation to a condition that other find difficult and distressing. I am sure you have enough self-awareness to understand that your way of dealing with it is yours, and yours alone, and it is a little much of a stretch to expect others to accept this kind of terminology just because you have the condition yourself. I feel that using language like 'weirdo' in relation to a condition which as already massively misunderstood and trivialised, is unhelpful, and if you want to avoid causing offence to others, it might be better to avoid using it.

LadyInParis · 16/08/2018 18:26

If that is how you feel I respect that fully. However although I will take on board your points, I have my own feelings on the subject that don't really match with yours. And that's ok, we are all different. I appreciate the heads up but will deal with and speak of my issues as I see fit, with your advice in mind. As for context as to my situation, it is of noones business. It was a throw away remark aimed at myself only, and I shouldn't even have to be 'explaining' myself and my diagnoses and methods to cope to you in the first place. Can we agree to disagree and leave it there please, this isn't our post.

OhHelpNooo · 16/08/2018 21:08

LadyInParis Indeed!
OP - good for you, and sorry for the derail! Good luck, you have done the right thing.

SandyY2K · 16/08/2018 22:18

The man has gone now, there is no way that I could stay with him anymore

Excellent. Great update.

Gretagumbo · 16/08/2018 23:10

Pleased you got rid of this total shit. Make sure it’s permanent for your sons sake

DC2018 · 16/08/2018 23:27

I would speak to your boyfriend and acknowledge that he is upset that your sons behaviour has hurt you in the past but tell him you won't tolerate him belittling or speaking badly of your son. He is your baby and no matter what has went on in the past no one should be so horrible about someone you love. If your boyfriend doesnt respect that then I think your relationship has bigger problems x

finallyme2018 · 17/08/2018 07:00

I've never told this story as even now 14 years later it causes issues, please don't think not living with him meant he didn't do anything, my mum met her bf when I was 17 year old, myself and four sibling had a extremely close relationship with our mum up to her meeting him. He never lived at my mums but she invite him for tea twice a week and 4 years later 3 of us had left home because of the horrible and snidey comments he'd make when my mum couldn't hear so all she'd see is us blowing up out of no where, This man is so insecure!! he actually thought I'd got pregnant (at 25 might I add) on purpose to split them up. he had never acknowledged my child in the first 18 months of her life which i know hurt my mum, one family event when I was still putting my mum first my child actually asked why this man didn't like her and luckily she was out of earshot when he said her major health issues was down to my parenting and my mum reaction was to just ignore him, this led to me going no contact with him, if I or my child goes to a family event, he is no longer invited as that's my family and why should my child miss seeing their family due to him being a d**k. But what I can promise you is the damage it has caused between myself and my mum. We still meet up, we still have days out but i cannot forgive her or understand her rationale for allowing a man to destroying our close family unit. The repercussions from this has meant when I split from my child father I have remained single for 9 years and will remain so because if my own mum can change overnight from the loving protective putting her children first type of mother into this woman I don't recognise then i can not will not take the chance of doing same to my child, so please don't think because he didn't spend much time with him he isn't the cause. Because I can hand on heart say if someone spoke to my mum 7 years ago, she'd say exactly the same as you and it couldn't be further from the truth!

LadyInParis · 20/08/2018 20:40

@finallyme2018
I'm sorry no-one replied to your story. I felt the need to do so because often times women go through the pain all over again telling their story to help other women. And I think this is a fantastically strong kind and loving thing to do.
Also it helps in a bizarre way for those of us who also shared our stories (and those that didn't but read them) to know we are not alone in our pain and experiences. Although the ideal of course is that no-one goes through anything like this, of course.

But I couldn't leave your story ignored/ simply accidentally missed by others, having shared mine. And therefore knowing how painful it is to re hash it in order to help a stranger- a fellow female. What a wonderful site this can sometimes be. Often, actually.

I'm sorry you went through that and I hope you had a happy ending. Thank you for sharing.

OP; how are things now?

Original poster

Sally16777 · 20/08/2018 21:17

@finallyme @ladyinparis

I did not get a notification for your story @finallyme or I never would have ignored it, thanks for sharing as obviously it hits close to home, I never want my kids to feel like that and I know they would if I stayed with him.

@ladyinparis I’ve moved my stuff out of his house and left, he tried to convince me that I’m the problem for taking offence to the names he calls my son, and the best he could do was say I won’t call him a fat cunt anymore but I’ll still think it!!

It’s hard cos there are good times, albeit on his terms and at the mercy of his moods but I just can’t carry on, I love my son too much to listen to this abuse... thanks for the support x

OP posts:

LadyInParis · 20/08/2018 23:17

@Sally16777

I'm sure @finallyme2018 doesn't take offence. I think people just miss posts, or get busy and forget to check in etc. I saw it and couldn't help but respond so she knows we all appreciate everyone's personal stories.

And well done you did so so good. Don't dwell on the "good times" or the "good him" (it's natural I did it but the fact is that it's fake. Not the real him. He just behaves nice sometimes because otherwise if it was all vile nasty and miserable you wouldn't stay. So he hooks you back in like mine did like they all do by being lovely and sweet etc etc. Until we come to our senses as I did and you did. Anyway point is try not to dwell on that part it wasn't real)

His reaction says it all too. I don't think he takes this seriously. I think he thinks you'll come begging back in a week or two he's that arrogant. Otherwise he would have done the whole begging and tears shtick (you know that one I'm sure). He thinks you're not strong enough to actually really leave.

Shows what a fucking moron he is. How arrogant and egotistical and twattish. You know you can do this. I know you can do this. He will soon find out you can do this

Again I'm sorry for being horrible in the beginning. My own past coming to haunt me I guess. But no excuse.

You and your son are going to be just fine now. Trust me. You both deserve it. I wish you all the luck in the world and if you want to talk or if you feel yourself waivering and wobbly and tempted to take him back then just post back in this thread and we will all have your back. Or feel free to private message me. I'm happy to support. Best of luck (not that you need it! You got rid of that man so fast you're like a lioness; going full on for her cub!)

Always be proud of that

SandyY2K · 20/08/2018 23:59

the best he could do was say I won’t call him a fat cunt anymore but I’ll still think it!

Charming isn't he.

Jeippinghmip · 21/08/2018 08:19

Well done Sally you’re on the way to a better life. 🌻🌻🌻

finallyme2018 · 21/08/2018 19:44

I'm sorry I posted and have since gone abroad with my son so haven't been checking mumsnet. So glad it didn't make you upset as that wasn't my intention but to highlight how devious these man can be. Hope your are ok xx

LadyInParis · 22/08/2018 18:18

@finallyme2018

I actually think stories like yours aren't upsetting; rather they are more educational and helpful and give women currently going through it strength. It's hard to post stories like yours and mine, hence me replying and hoping it 'bumped up' the thread so people who missed your post could read it and take from it what they need.
I hope you had a good holiday!!

Sibyenna · 15/12/2018 04:21

Last night I feel my boyfriend over reacted, My daughter 15 was asked to leave my room while I spoke with her brother, she sat at the top of our stairs and I guess it’s fair to say she could hear the conversation, My son was upset after a difficult day and maybe she ease dropped a bit, I’d mentioned innocently to my boyfriend what occurred which isn’t a big deal but by the time he got home from work, he blew a gasket, told her she was nothing but a nosey immature bitch and didn’t want to listen to any of us, She been 15 tried to verbally defend herself and he rants about getting out of his sight before he hurts her, he’s never hit them he knows I’d never allow that but this verbal name calling and shouting, not listen etc is driving me crazy, I feel like I’ve had enough, the kids are so miserable, It’s so close to Christmas though, do I act now or wait till after Christmas??
I’m not going to lie I’ve only tolerated his behaviour so long because I literally have no family and we don’t live near any of my friends, I don’t drive either so when we separate I will be cut off and doing this alone, I’m ok I can do that but as much as he’s an arse sometimes they get on great and believe it or not it’s my daughter who he picks on the most that will probably miss him the most.
So my question is really, Do I deal with this now or wait until after Christmas???
Will I ruin my kids Christmas if I do this now?

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 15/12/2018 04:35

Do it now. Your children need to know that you will not tolerate them being treated in this way.

You might want to start your own thread on this as you are more likely to get responses.

Koko12 · 15/12/2018 04:37

sibyenna sorry to hear your story.He sounds equally delightful
(Not) at the men mentioned by pp. It is up to you but personally for me I’d just get on with ending things - have a lovely Christmas with you and the kids. the reasons you mention for staying (not driving etc) are not valid reasons for staying and subjecting yourself and your children to further abuse . Good luck

Koko12 · 15/12/2018 04:37

You all deserve better

Kaleela · 15/12/2018 05:24

Sounds to me you have chosen a wanker of a BF over focusing and repairing a relationship with your son. Get rid of the idiot before the damage with DS is irreparable.

MadeForThis · 15/12/2018 05:45

Sibyenna - don't wait. It won't ruin your dc Christmas. But it might if he kicks off again over the holidays. Stressful time.

Please don't stand by and make your young daughter live with someone who threatens to hurt her. She should feel safe in the own home.

He sounds like he can't control himself and that's dangerous. He needs to leave. ASAP.

Lozzerbmc · 15/12/2018 06:01

Dont wait this is a terrible relationship to be in and you will all feel relieved when over as it must be a terrible pressure for you and children. Doesnt sound like xmas would be so great with him so wouldnt it be better without him? Good luck to you

Harvey2312 · 16/03/2019 07:22

My boyfriend called my son a lazy bone idle prick yesterday coz he didnt put the dog lead away and to be honest i feel like he makes my skin crawl. Its nothing but control now i need to get rid of this piece of shit

Lozzerbmc · 16/03/2019 13:53

@Harvey2312

Thats disgraceful behaviour! Dont stay with someone so disrespectful.

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