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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He calls my son names

124 replies

Sally16777 · 15/08/2018 17:18

Hey,

I have been with my boyfriend for six years, it has been a difficult relationship and my teenage son has been very naughty over the years, he’s made my life very difficult at times and now lives with his dad, although we remain close despite the difficulties.

My boyfriend has witnessed much of this, we have never lived together and just won’t get past my sons behaviour, which was basically lots of teenage anger and nastiness, nothing terrible.

We were out with friends the other night and he told them my son was a fat c. Of course they were shocked and disgusted. His friend spoke to him the next day and said he can’t call my son those names, he’s still only 16, and I said to him the next day to not do it and he said ‘but he is a fat c. This is never to my sons face as my boyfriend wants never to see him again after the troubles we have had where as I am trying to move on and rebuild our relationship and make sure he does well at college etc.,

The fact he calls my son these names has made me realise I need to end the relationship..is it as bad as I think it is that he calls my son these names in his absence? Or should I understand that he didn’t like his behaviour and this is ok?

I adore my son despite everything and I just can’t bare the names I hear him called.

OP posts:
Hernameisdeborah · 15/08/2018 19:40

He's very jealous of your son by the sounds of it. Like others I can't believe you could even ask the question, you definitely need to ditch him quick. However, I'm guessing he's been abusing you too. I hope you get your son and yourself out of this horrible situation before any more damage is caused to this innocent boy.

Jeippinghmip · 15/08/2018 19:43

Your son sounds like a perfectly normal teenager. You appear to have chosen your vile boyfriend over your son. Please ditch the boyfriend and put things right with your son, whilst you still can.

ohfourfoxache · 15/08/2018 19:44

Holy fuck Shock

How have you managed to even be civil to this “BF”? I don’t know you but even from what you’ve written I’d love to stick him under the patio

hendal · 15/08/2018 19:47

OP Ive experienced this from the side of your DS. Mum met a man a few years after dad died. We (me + sibs) were accepting of this & friendly, welcoming to him. We wanted Mum to be happy and understood that for adults that can mean wanting a partner for life.
He took, what we thought was, an instant dislike to all of us. Then it turned from little remarks, to screaming in your face, twisting every little thing anyone said or did, or he thought they said/did into another example of how shit we were. And constantly making belittling or outright nasty comments about us, often not when the victim was in earshot - he frequently had a “favourite” amongst us who would get to hear the vitriol he spouted about other siblings while mum sat there or nodded along. He was emotionally and physically abusive to my younger sibs who were still at home. The physical abuse was towards my brother (age 13 when it started) and he didn’t tell anyone for so long, it then took my mother another few years to tell me. And emotionally abusing Mum, which I was always aware of though I do admit I do still feel some resentment towards her at low times for bringing him into our lives and allowing him to treat us that way.

Mum eventually left him, but the damage was already done. The relationship between us kids & her has been so badly damaged, despite knowing she was his victim also. I , and my sibs, constantly have the worry and will get back together with him as they split 3 times before..

This is something I still find very difficult to think about, let alone talk about even on here.

Please help your son. Get this man away from him. This is hugely damaging to him, and to your relationship with him.

Original poster
Sally16777 · 15/08/2018 19:52

Thanks @hendal for sharing your heartbreaking story, it just sounds awful. My son doesn’t live with this man, never has, he lived with me and now his dad because I felt he needed male influence. He hasn’t even seen him for over a year.

OP posts:
Grimbles · 15/08/2018 19:56

You've chosen your bf over your son.

marsbarsandtwix · 15/08/2018 20:09

hendal Flowers

LadyInParis · 15/08/2018 20:25

@LadyLapsang Thank you. I am. I'm actually newly engaged to the most amazing man in the world. I didn't think men like him existed truly! Hes just amazing. So a happy ending relationship- wise. He has to put up with a lot sometimes because of my trauma. Although improving, it never leaves you. That just makes him all the more amazing and he gently guides me as I improve. Anyway it just shocked me, ops story and I wanted her to open her eyes. I hope she does

@Shoxfordian thank you. It's nice to see all these women with some sense isn't it! Just hope the op listens and takes it in somehow

@Sally16777 OP Yes I do apologise that was low of me, but surely you can see why this is making people angry? However I do apologise you are here for help. Your boyfriend is a cunt though. There isn't a worse enough word to describe him sadly. And you are being abused. Abuse isn't just physical and it doesn't need to be physical to make you terrified of him. You need to get away. You will lose your son. A week or 5 years from now. You will. I'm 31 and a few months ago I cut off the entire family on my mother's side many years after she passed away. It took that long but they still lost me.

Your son probably acted up more alone with you because the boyfriend wasn't there and he had a safe space and person in which to finally let out his pain. It doesn't mean it wasn't related to the boyfriend. In fact most likely the opposite. Because the boyfriend wasn't around he felt safe enough to 'act out' his pain. Please stop making excuses for him!!!!!!

@Hendal thank you also for sharing your story. I have had similar, hence ending up in abusive relationships myself and eventually having to cut them all off (the family). My mum was abused and we were too to a lesser extent. She committed suicide aged 29 because she wasn't strong enough for us, her children, to get away from him. So she made it all worse. Much as I loved her, pity and understand her, miss her, fact is she put him first. Over her children and eventually her own life. I'm sorry you had similar. How are you now? I hope op takes lessons from our stories they hurt terribly to even type. Flowers

confusedfriend101013 · 15/08/2018 20:34

I could put up with a lot but if anyone, ANYONE, called called my child a 'fat c**t' or any other name for that matter, they would no longer be apart of my life. I simply could not see them in the same light anymore.

FinalDerision · 15/08/2018 20:37

OP does sound like she's going to bin him off, so she could probably do with a bit of support for her battered self-esteem. This is Relationships, not AIBU.

Grimbles · 15/08/2018 20:37

op's 1st post
My boyfriend has witnessed much of this

And then a couple of posts later

my bf witnessed very little of it

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 15/08/2018 20:39

I can’t get my head round this. WHY are you still with somebody who called your son a fat cunt? I just don’t get it. What part if this story am I missing? Confused

Original poster
Sally16777 · 15/08/2018 20:40

@grimbles

My bf witnessed very little of if in person but knew a lot of what was happening at my house in terms of my son losing his temper and being rude etc

OP posts:
LadyInParis · 15/08/2018 20:41

@Grimbles I think because she's seen the responses toward him and is now back tracking to try to make him seem less bad/ not his fault etc. She's in an abusive relationship so I think confused and scared and to-ing and fro-ing because of that perhaps?

FinalDerision · 15/08/2018 20:44

The OP needs help to get out of an abusive relationship, and to support her son, not haranguing over and over again?

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 15/08/2018 20:46

If anyone called any of my DC names, they wouldn’t be in my life, oh and they’d also be picking all their teeth up. Get a grip and stand up for your child.

Grimbles · 15/08/2018 20:47

I think so too LadyInParis.

But OP, you have to understand that this man is a nasty bully and you will permanently ruin your relationship with your son if you don't get rid, not to mention the damage he is causing to your mental well being and self esteem

Original poster
Sally16777 · 15/08/2018 20:48

@grimbles @ladyinparis

As I’ve said several times my bf has NEVER lived with my son. Never. I have my own beautiful house and we lived here. Most of what my bf witnessed was on holidays. So he witnessed very little. He knew the problems I was having at my hOuse with my son. I’m not back tracking. These are the facts. I’m not trying to make anything seem less bad. The issue for me is the name calling etc. My son does not see my bf as he lives with his dad, he only comes to my house to see me

OP posts:
Original poster
Sally16777 · 15/08/2018 20:49

Thanks @finalderision

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 15/08/2018 20:50

@sally16777 I apologise too. It was unnecessary to be rude to you. I wouldn't personally stay with someone who thought it was remotely acceptable to call my child a cunt though. Your first post said your relationship was difficult for six years, so why bother with it? Find someone who isn't difficult or just be by yourself rather than with such a nasty man.

@ladyinparis Yeah it's sad so many women put up with such shit. See this and worse on mumsnet everyday though.

LadyInParis · 15/08/2018 20:50

I don't think people are doing that @FinalDerision, I think they are just genuinely shocked and trying to understand why she hasn't immediately left. She isn't giving much by way of information and is back peddling so I think people are shocked and confused. Angry too, lots of mothers will be triggered by this as well as people who went through it as children or similar, like I did. I was vile to her in one post and I genuinely apologised (and I hope OP accepts my apology). But it's a very triggering subject not helped by OP seemingly not understanding, making excuses for him and back peddling to make him seem less bad. Rather than understanding and asking advice on how to leave for her sons sake

LadyInParis · 15/08/2018 20:59

@ladyinparis Yeah it's sad so many women put up with such shit. See this and worse on mumsnet everyday though. Indeed Shoxfordian. Sad but true.

But OP, you have to understand that this man is a nasty bully and you will permanently ruin your relationship with your son if you don't get rid, not to mention the damage he is causing to your mental well being and self esteem
I agree @Grimbles

OP- Why is your issue predominantly the name calling and not this 'man' wanting you to cut contact with your son, not allow him into the home, not even have his pictures up, but his children are fine? He wants you to cut your son out of your life like he never existed. When your son needs you while he suffers through a hard time; indeed needs his mother anyway? This is a genuine question I'm not being horrible, truly. It's just odd that the problem is the name calling (which is bad enough) seems the main problem for you. Are you safe OP? Honestly?

Foodylicious · 15/08/2018 20:59

I think your instincts are right OP and whatever you relationship has been in the past, it's clearly not good for you anymore.

It sounds like overtime he had both shattered your confidence and started showing his true colours.

Definitely time to end it for good.
Good to hear things are improving with your son, that must have been a tough few years Flowers

LadyInParis · 15/08/2018 21:03

Spot on @Foodylicious. I couldn't agree more with your entire post. This is what it all boils down to isn't it.

Original poster
Sally16777 · 15/08/2018 21:04

@shoxfordian @ladyinparis

Yes of course I accept apologies and understand this makes people angry and so it should...he can be very charming and he will go from being really cruel to really nice and I found it too easy to forget the cruel stuff when he did but I know I need to leave, and that’s what I’ve done, it’s easy as we don’t live together and I’m independent. I know I have self worth issues and I’m going to work on it

OP posts: