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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He calls my son names

124 replies

Sally16777 · 15/08/2018 17:18

Hey,

I have been with my boyfriend for six years, it has been a difficult relationship and my teenage son has been very naughty over the years, he’s made my life very difficult at times and now lives with his dad, although we remain close despite the difficulties.

My boyfriend has witnessed much of this, we have never lived together and just won’t get past my sons behaviour, which was basically lots of teenage anger and nastiness, nothing terrible.

We were out with friends the other night and he told them my son was a fat c. Of course they were shocked and disgusted. His friend spoke to him the next day and said he can’t call my son those names, he’s still only 16, and I said to him the next day to not do it and he said ‘but he is a fat c. This is never to my sons face as my boyfriend wants never to see him again after the troubles we have had where as I am trying to move on and rebuild our relationship and make sure he does well at college etc.,

The fact he calls my son these names has made me realise I need to end the relationship..is it as bad as I think it is that he calls my son these names in his absence? Or should I understand that he didn’t like his behaviour and this is ok?

I adore my son despite everything and I just can’t bare the names I hear him called.

OP posts:
FinalDerision · 15/08/2018 21:05

Making that final decision to end it, and acting on that, is hard for victims because they've usually been manipulated and don't know which way is up any more.

From the outside it's infuriating, I do get that.

Original poster
Sally16777 · 15/08/2018 21:07

@foodylicious thanks so much for your kind words and yes my relationship with my son is good now and I’m hoping he will be coming out of the other side of his teenage years soon! I’ve been wrong to wait this long but it’s time to move on now x

OP posts:
LadyInParis · 15/08/2018 21:09

Yes @Sally16777 this is what happened when I was being abused it's how they keep you there. You know what boosted my esteem through the stratosphere? Really and Honestly? It was when I left him. Honestly. You deserve better love. You really do. You have enough to contend with at the moment. Getting rid will be a massive weight off you. You don't deserve this.
Thank you for accepting my apology. I think I reacted that way because of my past with my mum as I posted earlier. No excuse at all for being so cruel though. Please get rid. You can do it Flowers

NadiaLeon · 15/08/2018 21:09

Could he have been joking? Some people have a nasty sense of humour.
Also, some weirdos don't like fat people. Is your son overweight? He may use it as a standard phrase.

Please note I AM NOT EXCUSING HIS FOUL LANGUAGE, BUT TRYING TO UNDERSTAND IT.
Without a degree of understanding, you'll get nowhere.

Original poster
Sally16777 · 15/08/2018 21:12

Thanks for your kind words. I can and will do this xx

OP posts:
LadyInParis · 15/08/2018 21:12

@FinalDerision I agree entirely. No excuse but it happens easily unfortunately. At least people are apologising and now trying to help and all is much more helpful. You're right about abusive relationships. I was the same if he said the sky was purple and I was just crazy thinking it wasn't I'd fall for it. You don't know your arse from your elbow they get you so bad

FinalDerision · 15/08/2018 21:13

Sally, what support do you need? Does talking about it help?

Original poster
Sally16777 · 15/08/2018 21:13

@nadialeon

No he wasn’t joking I’m afraid, he really is that cruel

OP posts:
NadiaLeon · 15/08/2018 21:15

Is your son overweight?
If so, then what a cruel and mean so and so.
If not, it sounds like a twisted joke (meant to hurt)

FinalDerision · 15/08/2018 21:16

@LadyInParis, that's like the whole plot of Taming of the Shrew. Hated doing that in school ...

C0untDucku1a · 15/08/2018 21:17

Dump the bf. No point continuing with that relationship at all.

Your son doesnt sound like an average teen at all tbh. That’s not average teen behaviour. He sounds out of control. Have you asked about parenting classes to find ways to deal with his violent behaviour.

LadyInParis · 15/08/2018 21:18

@NadiaLeon Not to be rude but I think you have missed the point so badly here. There can be no understanding with an abuser. And the name calling whilst vile is the least of the issues here. She needs to get OUT. Not understand this disgusting man. Please don't set the OP back with unwise advice

@Sally16777 That's so good and of course you can do this. You ARE already. These are the first steps on your way to a happy new life

LadyInParis · 15/08/2018 21:20

@FinalDerision I never did that and don't know about it although I have heard of it. Good job by sounds of it!

NadiaLeon · 15/08/2018 21:27

@Lady

I did write quite clearly Please note I AM NOT EXCUSING HIS FOUL LANGUAGE, BUT TRYING TO UNDERSTAND IT.

Maybe you missed that.

I think this man is a total sh1t, don't get me wrong, but I see things in a more complicated and nuanced way than many others.

Runninglateeveryday · 15/08/2018 21:38

What a nasty man , how would be react if you called his dc a fat cunt?! Your ds doesn't sound dissimilar to other teenagers, my DD did far worse. Your Ds will know he is disliked by him and avoided.

LadyInParis · 15/08/2018 21:44

@NadiaLeon I didn't miss anything, I read your post quite well, don't worry.

Also, I apologise but I don't understand what your last comment means? More complicated and nuanced than many others? Can you give an example please, as I don't understand this or the point behind it? I'm not particularly hard of reading/ comprehension or understanding, but that part seems to not make sense to me. I like things to make sense Smile OCD weirdo that I am Blush

Anyway my point was that things are so far past just the name calling that I feel your advice, whilst well meaning, is misplaced. This woman is being abused. Her son is now being abused to the mother and cut off from the mother's life. And again this woman is being abused. It's as simple as she needs to leave. It really is. Things don't need to be overcomplicated here. They're complex enough. As I said I'm not being rude but this is a serious situation. She is being abused

SandyY2K · 15/08/2018 21:56

he told me we could only have pictures of his children around, not mine.

This is truly awful. He is a father, he loves his children, but he wants no trace of your son around.

He calls him such a horrible word and you as his mum says nothing. It's left to his friend to pull him up on it.

You know that friend was probably wondering why on earth you'd be with a man like him.

So he doesn't say it to your son, but he says it in front of you. You saying nothing is in effect agreeing with him.

If your son had a GF who insulted you like that in your son's presence (but not in front of you) and he said nothing what would you think?

Because I'd think my son agreed with her.

Your BF is nasty. Start seeing him for what he is and muster up all your maternal strength to get rid of him.

You don't live together, so it's that much easier.

I'm routing for you to do right by your son and you don't even need to give your BF the reason why, as he's bound to get start.

Simply...this relationship isn't working for me will suffice.

You can't be sleeping with a man who hates your son. It's betraying him IMO.

NadiaLeon · 15/08/2018 22:29

Lady - yes it is abuse. I agree.

I always think it helps having as much information as possible about a situation. That may not change the action taken (leaving/staying) but does help people process things, and eventually heal.

For example, you have your violent 19 yr old son living in the family house. Your 2 other younger children are scared of him and his outbursts.
Yes, he needs to leave for the safety of the rest of the family. No doubt about that.
But I'd like to explore WHY he's violent.

It's human nature just saying 'He's a violent dick and needs to leave' - I agree, but it's too black and white and simplistic. It's also very short term.

LadyInParis · 15/08/2018 22:36

Ah I see @NadiaLeon
I think for me in these posts I tend to look at the immediate necessities with the view that the rest, everything you said (which is absolutely necessary indeed) will come later when the person is ready. I guess its just different view points with neither necessarily being wrong. You're looking at the whole entire picture. I like to build up to that by tackling one thing at a time starting with the most important and eventually building up to the big picture. Just different ways of thinking, gotcha Smile

Grammar · 16/08/2018 15:09

NadiaLeon. You have asked twice whether OP's son is overwieight. This misses the point so catastrophically that no amount of ' nuanced' understanding will overcome. The irony is sublime, I'm
afraid

Cambionome · 16/08/2018 15:45

Agreed, Grammar!

hellsbellsmelons · 16/08/2018 15:54

Well I'm glad to see you have now ended it.
Please stick to that.
He is a nasty and cruel bully.

Read up on 'the cycle of abuse'

As a side note. My DD sounds like she was very similar to your DS.
She was awful. However, after 18 months living with her dad (I had to basically 'rescue' her) within a few months of being back with me she was a totally different person.
She's a wonderful 20 year old now and I couldn't be prouder of her.
They get there in the end!

OhHelpNooo · 16/08/2018 16:08

LadyInParis ahem - 'OCD weirdo'?? Do you realise that's pretty offensive to those of us with the actual diagnosed medical condition?
As you were.

Original poster
Sally16777 · 16/08/2018 16:24

@hellsbellsmelons

Thanks so much for the kind words. My DS is getting much more pleasant to be around and now he’s finished school and is starting college I’m confident he will turn things around like your daughter!!

The man has gone now, there is no way that I could stay with him anymore, I’m going to put all my spare time now into looking after myself, getting fitter and spending time with my son xx

OP posts:
Ariclock · 16/08/2018 16:31

Well done op, glad to hear that things are going better with your son Wine