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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He calls my son names

124 replies

Sally16777 · 15/08/2018 17:18

Hey,

I have been with my boyfriend for six years, it has been a difficult relationship and my teenage son has been very naughty over the years, he’s made my life very difficult at times and now lives with his dad, although we remain close despite the difficulties.

My boyfriend has witnessed much of this, we have never lived together and just won’t get past my sons behaviour, which was basically lots of teenage anger and nastiness, nothing terrible.

We were out with friends the other night and he told them my son was a fat c. Of course they were shocked and disgusted. His friend spoke to him the next day and said he can’t call my son those names, he’s still only 16, and I said to him the next day to not do it and he said ‘but he is a fat c. This is never to my sons face as my boyfriend wants never to see him again after the troubles we have had where as I am trying to move on and rebuild our relationship and make sure he does well at college etc.,

The fact he calls my son these names has made me realise I need to end the relationship..is it as bad as I think it is that he calls my son these names in his absence? Or should I understand that he didn’t like his behaviour and this is ok?

I adore my son despite everything and I just can’t bare the names I hear him called.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 15/08/2018 18:21

So if he called you a fat cunt to his friends would you mean md?
There’s your answer.

Ohyesiam · 15/08/2018 18:21
  • mind
bethy15 · 15/08/2018 18:24

Good lord, so he was a teenager? He's still your son.

I can't believe he called him that, but not only that, he wants you to not see him anymore? So clearly if he is never seeing him again, this will restrict your life and times with your son.

What an awful, awful man.

Original poster
Sally16777 · 15/08/2018 18:28

He would like me to see him away from him, we were supposed to move in this month but he told me we could only have pictures of his children around, not mine. Obviously I haven’t and won’t move in but yes my son wouldn’t be welcome in the house, only his kids and there’s just no way

OP posts:
twilightsaga · 15/08/2018 18:29

I couldn't be with someone who never wanted to see my child again and called them names. No way!!

helacells · 15/08/2018 18:29

You already know what you have to do. Now do it.

TwistedStitch · 15/08/2018 18:30

Seriously, where is your maternal instinct? Why didn't you tell him to go fuck himself? How is this even a question?

WickerHippo · 15/08/2018 18:33

How are you still with this man after him saying he could only have pictures of his kids around and your kids wouldn’t be welcome?

greenlanes · 15/08/2018 18:41

He sounds very controlling. It would be interesting to understand why his relationship with the mother of those younger children broke up. But seriously, bin him off.

Ariclock · 15/08/2018 18:46

Why on earth as you prioritising this horrible man over your child? If you don't want your son to go no contact with you in the near future you need to get rid of this man. He sounds like a nasty bully and you need to have a good hard look at yourself.

Shoxfordian · 15/08/2018 19:00

Why is he your boyfriend when he says this about your son? Only one cunt here sweetie

FinalDerision · 15/08/2018 19:06

Look, OP, my DP and I don't always feel enamoured of each other's teenagers, or indeed our own, sometimes, and we don't live together for these and other reasons. But neither of us would be so crass or frankly stupid as to gratuitously insult the other's much-loved children.

We'd be asking what we could do to HELP.

I've tutored his son. He's built my son a new bedroom. Wasn't easy, but we're pretty sure 'the greater good' for everyone is worth it.

marsbarsandtwix · 15/08/2018 19:09

What I think you need to be asking yourself is why you haven't already broken up with this arsehole

LadyInParis · 15/08/2018 19:10

You’ve not exactly done well by your son here. It is worrisome that you even have to think about leaving this horrible man.
This

Seriously, where is your maternal instinct? Why didn't you tell him to go fuck himself? How is this even a question?
And this

How are you still with this man after him saying he could only have pictures of his kids around and your kids wouldn’t be welcome?
Annnd this

I'm honestly seriously struggling to find nice words to say to you since you clearly lack self esteem, confidence and are probably being abused by him too. So i don't want to add to that or kick anyone while they're down. But I find your lack of maternal instinct towards your son worrying and in all honesty, extremely angering down to my very core. And I don't have children. And he is being kicked whilst down. And his own mother not helping him up.

So I'll tell you a story. A personal one. I had an abusive ex. He did everything in his power to ruin me. Rapey shit (I still can't say it the proper way it's too real. It makes it too real. So it's always 'rapey shit' or 'the rapey bastard'). Emotional abuse including stuff about my dead mum. Cut me off from friends and family; after I got rid, some of these relationships took years to recover and some still aren't quite there. Humiliated me the list is endless. My esteem and confidence were so low that no matter what he did to me, no matter the extreme emotional pain I was in that lead to me slicing my wrists several times, one time in particular leading to many stitches and being held until I saw the mental health doctor, I stayed with him.
Then one day he threw the puppy I had (tiny, 8 weeks old, only a foot long if that) at the wall. Because the pup had lightly nibbled his fingers (with barely any teeth at that, since he was so young) to get him to play. As dogs do. He threw my puppy about 6 foot across the room into the wall. My puppy was crying howling and couldn't walk and I took him to another room and held him and it was then that I saw the truth of this man.
I left him that day and I never looked back. He ruined me in every way possible. But the second he hurt a being so young and helpless and defenceless and whom I loved dearly, I left. I still live with those scars today. Both literal and emotional. But my beloved dog is safe.

This was a dog. Not my child. Not a being that I had carried inside my body for 9 months, that I had grown inside me, nurtured, loved, taught, protected. But a dog.

So I'm asking myself what could be wrong that, as others posted, this is even in question? And as others have posted, it is guaranteed he will have been abusive to your son in sneaky ways that you may have seen but brushed off, or may have been done behind your back; causing many of your sons issues. Also, what has he seen this man do or say to you that caused these issues? Because it seems from your post that once your son was safely away and with his dad he is fine behaviourally, once he adjusted and felt safe.

Is this man abusing you OP?

HoleyCoMoley · 15/08/2018 19:13

Get rid of this horrible man. He sounds an absolute idiot.

LadyInParis · 15/08/2018 19:15

@Shoxfordian I hate to say it but two cunts far as I can see. This is making me so angry. I can only think she is terrified of him. I can not believe she is behaving this way and thinking this way naturally. I just can't. Even so. Her lack of protection over her son is cuntish. I would have gone for the fucker had it been me. Unless, as I said, she is terrified of him. Even his FRIENDS and the people THERE spoke up!

Did You?

I know you're here for help. This is why I posted about my very personal past. To try to make you see. So I hope you don't get flamed too much but please lady- wake up! Please!

LadyLapsang · 15/08/2018 19:17

Your poor son. I would ditch the boyfriend and arrange counselling / family therapy. I am sure your relationship with your son will benefit from the investment. Your son must be your priority here.

bethy15 · 15/08/2018 19:18

He would like me to see him away from him, we were supposed to move in this month but he told me we could only have pictures of his children around, not mine. Obviously I haven’t and won’t move in but yes my son wouldn’t be welcome in the house, only his kids and there’s just no way

You cannot even have a photo of your own son up in your own home, let alone be able to have him around for dinner or to stay?

I'm sorry, but surely you know what to do here?

He's still young, we've all acted up as a teenager, is there anyone who hasn't? You don't turn your back on him, and you don't let this man call him that, and you certainly don't forbid him from your home or his photo being up.

What other things do you think he'll control you with further down the line?

LadyInParis · 15/08/2018 19:21

@LadyLapsang Very good idea with ditching the "boyfriend" and family counselling. Indeed. I think this is extremely important

LadyLapsang · 15/08/2018 19:25

LadyInParis, thank you for sharing your very personal and painful story. I truly hope you are in a much better place in your life now.

Shoxfordian · 15/08/2018 19:26

@ladyinparis
Yeah you have a point
2

gretchinweeners · 15/08/2018 19:27

This man sounds horrible - I feel sorry for your son having to live with someone like that for so long

Butterymuffin · 15/08/2018 19:30

Yes, it is as bad as you think. Leave him.

gretchinweeners · 15/08/2018 19:37

I have never understood women who put their partner in front of their own child - my heart breaks for the so

Original poster
Sally16777 · 15/08/2018 19:40

Thanks for sharing your story.

However I’m not a cunt. My son has NEVER lived with my bf. He has lived in my house and with his dad, I split up from my bf for 8 months at one point and my son acted up worse than ever cos it was just me!

I don’t excuse any of my bf behaviour, and I’m not terrified of him, he’s never laid a finger on me...but he’s very cruel with his words and yes very controlling and clearly my self esteem has taken a battering and that’s probably why I haven’t done this before now.

I still see my son loads at my house and our relationship is loads better, I adore him so please don’t call me a cunt, I’ve made mistakes but I’m here for help, not abuse

OP posts: