relationship ended and I’ve fucked up but need to document why so I don’t forget. Long I think, sorry :(

[flyingsaucersherbet]

Bf and I have been rocky for last 6 weeks. His decree nisi (first part?) came through and he over night said he needed space and dumped me. Friends told me about the decree - he never told me it was because of that until afterwards. It absolutely shook my trust in him that he could 360 go from saying he loved me and is being utterly solid to ending our relationship, and though we got back together, I’ve been feeling insecure ever since.

I had another thread on this, but a few weeks ago we were on his phone and a message popped up from a girl saying “feeling naughty” I insisted on seeing the other messages and it was his ex wife’s cousin - earlier that day she’d asked if she could send him porn and he said yes, then sent another saying she knew why they couldn’t be together but she wanted it anyway. I freaked out, threw his phone at the wall and chucked him out. Again, we got back together but it’s added to the insecurity I’ve been feeling.

I know I’ve been crowding dp and being needy, he went away this weekend and told me he might be seeing strippers. I said that made me feel a bit weird, and the whole time he was away I was checking to see when he was online and making digs at him. I’ve never been the jealous type, I’ve pointed out celebs iv thought he would fancy before, never checked his phone, nothing.

I feel like I’ve turned into this horrid person wondering what he’s doing, I’ve been making snide comments, checking up on him. It came to a head tonight and we split up.

He had a holiday booked for next week and his nanny can no longer go, so his ex wife is going instead. I said that crossed a line for me, and he should be able to manage his kids alone, and he said tough basically.

He said tonight he can’t breathe and he doesn’t like the person I am any more, I’m angry because I feel like he’s made me this way and I’m trying. I told 2 of my best friends that we are struggling and why, because I was a mess. They know his ex wife too, and he is so livid with me because he says she will now blame herself for us splitting up, and that I’ll start a family war by telling people what he did with cousin. I got so angry at this point, because it’s all about his ex wife - I said some horrible, viscious things about his parenting and his child’s behaviour (he keeps hurting my Ds on purpose). I would never forgive anyone if they said these things about my Ds, and I was truly malicious. He called me an evil cunt.

I feel shit. I think maybe I let loose because I needed it to be over, I needed him to hate me so we didn’t get back together this time? I’m so gutted, because truly when we were good, we were such an amazing couple. I need to be strong and remember that we had become so toxic.

How do i stay strong? How do i get over being so horrible in the end? I actually love his little boy so much, but I’m frustrated that no one actually parents him and he was becoming so spoiled and mean to the other kids / adults around him.

First of all, he clearly wasn’t committed and solid in the relationship if he was having porn sent to him by other women! A committed partner would only respond one way to a message like that: “that’s inappropriate, stop sending me these messages”.

He’s trying to turn it back on you and make you the bad guy with the ‘family war’ comments - so what if it kicks off? He’s the one being a sleazy twat behind your back! He clearly has no respect for you, everything you’ve written here makes him sound like a complete arsehole with no regard for you or your feelings or the relationship. You’re better off without him!

It’s hard to admit, but I agree I don’t think he was committed to us anymore. He was so amazing and lovely in the beginning though, it’s hard to reconcile that with the person he’s being now. I have never had a connection with anyone like that before.

He said tonight though that I’m playing the victim, that telling people makes them feel sorry for me and makes him the bad guy. I have been telling my friends the horrible stuff I’ve done too, but he said that I’m doing that so people will say it wasn’t that bad, and he deserved it. I just feel like I can’t win!

Er.....don't think there's any great loss here op!

This man does not care about you ... he does not respect you ... he does not love you... what the hell are you doing to yourself... tell him to go and do not look back lovely... you know you deserve better than this clown

You are the victim. He is appalling. Sexting his ex wife’s cousin? While seeing you! Seeing strippers? Blaming you for his actions. Youre better off without him.

Why did him and his ex divorce?

See I feel bad because I know from his point of view he would be saying things do differently, that he freaked out over his divorce and he wasn’t ready for a relationship, that he didn’t know how
To respond to ex wife’s cousin because she had been a good friend up till that point, that I always knew about the strippers and only went weird at the end, that I’m suffocating him. He said tonight I should look in the mirror as I looked evil shouting at him.

I need to remember this bad stuff, because the good stuff was SO good. He’s just paid for me and Ds to go on holiday, he brings me food, he MOT’d my car because I couldn’t afford it, he downloads me my fave programmes and buys me hoodies to snuggle in.

I feel like I’m going insane, actually bananas trying to figure this all out.

He’s messing about with his ex wife’s cousin, going to see strippers when he knows you won’t like it, and going on holiday with his ex wife when he doesn’t have to. There’s nothing to figure out.

I think you need to own your behaviour, throwing his phone and being vicious...no one made you.

This is not a healthy relationship, far from it.
Get out and stay out as he is ready to be commited and is still a married man.

I’ve tried owning it, I don’t know how to own it more? I have apologised so many times to him for it. I hate the person I was becoming.

His divorce is through now, so technically no longer married, but they were separated 2 years (she left him)

I'm not surprised she left him. He's turned you into someone you don't like. He sounds like scum. You do not want to be around someone like this and your ds certainly doesn't. You are well rid. Onwards and upwards OP.

Wait, he keeps hurting your son on purpose?

You are having genuine feelings, while he's a user. If you could take a step back and try to look at his real behaviour you will see he's not really interested in you.

It's always harder when you really like someone to face that they don't really like you back. If he really liked you there is no way he would mess about with anyone else and he would make sure that you felt secure and happy.

Sounds like you've been a victim of love bombing. It involves using extravagant gestures and displays of affection very early in the relationship to gain power and control.

You've dodged a bullet.

AfterSchoolWorry I think it's the ex bf's child who is hurting the OP's child. That's how I read it.

Hi, thank you for your messages I feel a bit shit today.

It was his son who was hurting mine yes, my Ds was getting upset because he was doing it behind our backs then lying and saying my Ds was making it up. I told dp that I was separating my Ds from his boys at the start of the summer, as it had been going on a long time and my Ds was really starting to get upset by it. He said he doesn’t spend long enough with his kids to change their behaviour, and my Ds needed toughening up.

Agree about the love bombing, we were inseparable from the start (he is quite wealthy and doesn’t work and I’m self employed) so it was incredibly intense. It made me feel special though? Like we had an amazing connection?

I need to tell my Ds today and he’s going to be gutted. I need to keep strong. I keep remembering things he said and just wishing I had kept quiet instead of fighting back. He was twisting everything on to me, but he said I was clever with my words and that when I tried to defend myself I was manipulating situations.

Just to clarify, his son was hurting mine behind our backs then lying and saying my son was making it up. Ds was scratched, bit, punched, kicked. All in swperate incidents over some time. His Ds would try get mine into trouble, but my Ds would be telling tales all the time too. It was horrible, and I felt I let my Ds down letting it go on as long as it did before i said I was keeping them apart. His Ds has 2 nannies as well as separated parents, and I very much just felt that no one was taking responsibility for his behaviour. He was a really angry and hurting little boy, who was so lovely and kind at time’s, but obviously lashing out and my Ds got the brunt of it.

Your son should have been your priority.

Sorry but it sounds like you basically wish you could have put up with his shit because essentially he was financially generous to you.

Money does not make it all ok. You can't fake it just because life would be so much easier with a wealthy partner.

Not criticising you here by the way - you obviously work hard and pay your own way and it's hard to let go of someone who 'looks after' you in that way but - it was toxic. He's a dick and your reactions to him being a dick were not healthy for you.

Hoisework I was trying to see if the boys would settle themselves, when I realised the effect it was having on Ds I removed him from the situation. We broke up early here, they have had 2 months apart so far now. I do feel guilty, I’ve worked hard over these last few months to build Ds up again, and had threads under different names on what I should do about it.

Mykingdom maybe there’s some truth in that. I think I wanted the fairytale and for him to swoop in and look after us. I’d been single 6 years before him, and I think on paper he was everything I could have wished for. In person, at the beginning he was too. But the bad bits kept creeping in and I didn’t want to leave because a) I didn’t feel you should give up on a relationship st the first sign of trouble, and b) I just hoped like hell I was overreacting and it would go back to the way things were.

The whole situation is toxic and drama laden. Stop with all the he says, she says and involving friends and exs. You’re better off away from them all and so’s your son.

He's abusive. It's no more complicated than that. You'll be happier without him.

I’m worried I’m the abusive one. That’s hard to write, but it’s true. These past few weeks have changed me, I don’t know who I am any more or what’s normal.

Enrique, I told 2 of my best friends. I feel like I’m going mad, I knew he would hate it that I had told them stuff but i have felt increasingly isolated, and I think I’m telling them it made everything real.

He is not worthy of you or your child

But your friends know his ex wife, he’s going on about his exw potentially blaming herself for you splitting. All of this is just going to inflame a situation that’s not worthy of your angst. Why do you feel you’re going mad? From what you’ve written it seems straightforward, you’re well rid on all counts. Think about it, you tell him about his DS deliberately hurting yours and his answer is that he can’t do anything about his child’s behaviour? He’s not the prize you’ve built him up to be when you think about how he could be.

He's manipulated you into believing that. Of course you believe it if someone tells you you are a bad person, because you are trusting him to behave like a reasonable human being. But he's not being reasonable. He's not being fair. He doesn't want to accept blame or responsibility, so he shifts it on to you at your expense. He's got you questioning whether you even deserve to be treated with respect. That's not good.