relationship ended and I’ve fucked up but need to document why so I don’t forget. Long I think, sorry :(

[flyingsaucersherbet]

Bf and I have been rocky for last 6 weeks. His decree nisi (first part?) came through and he over night said he needed space and dumped me. Friends told me about the decree - he never told me it was because of that until afterwards. It absolutely shook my trust in him that he could 360 go from saying he loved me and is being utterly solid to ending our relationship, and though we got back together, I’ve been feeling insecure ever since.

I had another thread on this, but a few weeks ago we were on his phone and a message popped up from a girl saying “feeling naughty” I insisted on seeing the other messages and it was his ex wife’s cousin - earlier that day she’d asked if she could send him porn and he said yes, then sent another saying she knew why they couldn’t be together but she wanted it anyway. I freaked out, threw his phone at the wall and chucked him out. Again, we got back together but it’s added to the insecurity I’ve been feeling.

I know I’ve been crowding dp and being needy, he went away this weekend and told me he might be seeing strippers. I said that made me feel a bit weird, and the whole time he was away I was checking to see when he was online and making digs at him. I’ve never been the jealous type, I’ve pointed out celebs iv thought he would fancy before, never checked his phone, nothing.

I feel like I’ve turned into this horrid person wondering what he’s doing, I’ve been making snide comments, checking up on him. It came to a head tonight and we split up.

He had a holiday booked for next week and his nanny can no longer go, so his ex wife is going instead. I said that crossed a line for me, and he should be able to manage his kids alone, and he said tough basically.

He said tonight he can’t breathe and he doesn’t like the person I am any more, I’m angry because I feel like he’s made me this way and I’m trying. I told 2 of my best friends that we are struggling and why, because I was a mess. They know his ex wife too, and he is so livid with me because he says she will now blame herself for us splitting up, and that I’ll start a family war by telling people what he did with cousin. I got so angry at this point, because it’s all about his ex wife - I said some horrible, viscious things about his parenting and his child’s behaviour (he keeps hurting my Ds on purpose). I would never forgive anyone if they said these things about my Ds, and I was truly malicious. He called me an evil cunt.

I feel shit. I think maybe I let loose because I needed it to be over, I needed him to hate me so we didn’t get back together this time? I’m so gutted, because truly when we were good, we were such an amazing couple. I need to be strong and remember that we had become so toxic.

How do i stay strong? How do i get over being so horrible in the end? I actually love his little boy so much, but I’m frustrated that no one actually parents him and he was becoming so spoiled and mean to the other kids / adults around him.

Enrique we live in a place where everyone knows everyone! I am not sure why I feel like I’m going mad, I really do though. I’m analysing situations from my point of view then listening to him say it from a completely different view point and it’s made me think that I am the bad guy. That I’m hurting him. What I thought was real, and what you see as straight forward is upside down to me because he’s honestly making me feel like I’ve got it so wrong. He’s adamant I’m wrong, that I’m an evil cunt. I don’t know any more.

Djnoun I feel like I’m frustrating everyone, I am so sorry. He would honestly swear that I was the one manipulating him though. He said I’m clever with my words and I twist things, that it’s never my fault and I never forget the bad things he’s done.

I am really so sorry, I know I’m pissing people off, I don’t know what I needed from this thread. I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to figure this out, and I’m so bloody sad.

He doesn't like you because you don't tolerate him wanting to dip his dick anywhere he can get away with. His ex obviously divorced him for good reason.

Often when a DP says "you've changed" or "I don't like who you've become" it's because you've stopped putting up with their crap.

I need to say some other things so I don’t forget, because I’m scared I want to go back to him.

He liked hurting me during sex. He would slap me, punch me. It started out as mild bondage but pushed it every time. I stopped him a few times, but he said he liked hurting me. I think a part of me wanted him to hurt me, not in a sexual way, in like a self worth thing?

He hated me going out without him, he would book restaurants at the same time as I was due on girls nights out and say things like “well of course you aren’t going, you don’t like going out, I’m just cutting out the middle man of you pulling a sickie at the last minute”

He once refused to talk to me and got incredibly angry because I left a restaurant review on a Facebook page and he said I was letting people into our business.

He liked to buy me clothes and would let me borrow expensive Jewellry, and I always felt shit about it as he said it was because I was an extension of him and people judged him on me.

I miss him. I’ve just told Ds and he was asking me such hard questions, I don’t think I’ve said right things? He was asking why I didn’t love ex any more, and if you can just stop loving someone. Fuck :(

You need therapy. He's abusive on so many levels. X

I echo inshockrightnow. Do not contact him ever again. Block and delete. Get some therapy to recover and find out why your relationship bar is so low. It's easy to get sucked in then find out they are abusive and struggle to get back out. You've split up, he's out of your life now and good riddance. Keep him out. Block and delete.

This is a classic abusive bully - socipathic or narcissistic. The treating you so beautifully at the beginning and then the crap - rinse and repeat. It's designed to keep you wanting to go back. Doesn't make you mad - it's a pyschlogical mind fuck. He's made you jealous and stressed and you are being made to believe it's your fault. You need to break the cycle and go no contact.

I really think it’s me, that I’ve made him that way. I had psychotherapy for a year after Ds was born - I had an abusive childhood. I think I must turn normal men abusive - he was with his ex 20 years? I have worked so hard on my issues, and he’s made me realise I’m still a mess.

He was horrid at times, but these past few weeks I’ve been horrible too. We were still good at time’s? He would say the horrible incidents from such a different point of view. He’d say I liked the sex, that he wasn’t controlling, that he wanted to spoil me. He says I look for the negative in everything and twist it.

My head is so battered today!

And I know it's not as easy as it looks to outsiders- because that's because you have been totally manipulated. I have a friend who does this to me and from an outsiders point of view I think why the fuck do I want to be friends with someone like this? Because the good times are such fun? But they are all just smoke and mirrors. these people are not cappable of having 'normal' relationships. I'm going cold turkey at the moment and I feel empowered.

How did you make him that way? Did you ask to be smacked during sex? Did you ask him to treat you with disdain and disrespect. Is that what you wanted?

Just because someone was in a relationship for 20 years- doesn't mean it was normal or healthy. It's not you. Really it's not. You appear to have too much self awareness. Put it to good use and get out. Your abusive childhood just means you put up with more of this stuff and think it's your fault because you've been conditioned to.

I agree you should retreat, have no further contact and get some counselling. I used to be a nice person but dealing with narcissistic shit and being belittled and ordered about made me resentful, dig my heels in abd fight back - which, of course, went down like a lead balloon.

Lots of people have terrible childhoods. Instead of supporting you, he manipulated you and took advantage. You really need therapy. You deserve so much more than the shit he offered

I was once in a relationship where I didn't like the person I become (insecure, unsure, needy etc) I believe it was his behaviour that caused me to feel that way (texted off other girls, never being ontime, sleeping in a ex's house just the two of them etc) I stuck at it for screenings and expressed to him how i was feeling because of his lifestyle shall we call it nothing changed and I just woke up one day & thought as much as 'i loved him' I didnt want to live a life like that and told him it was over he asked why and I told him even though I had many reasons to call it a day (he knew his behaviour was wrong) my actual reason was i didn't like who i was in the relationship anymore or how he had changed me & i walked away from a two year relationship as mad as the reasons sound they were it they are what made me walk not anything he done, and that was over 6 years ago now and looking back I should of walked the first couple of reasons I had but I didn't
As for your ds and his ds the most reason is jealousy with children and only his father can reassure, talk etc with him to sort that out

So maybe today you feel like you are at fault. But how about you let yourself not make this decision today? Maybe the answer is to stop trying to resolve this dilemma right now and concentrate on what you have to do for this evening. Obviously, keep away from him. Let yourself breathe, sleep on it a few times. When a question or a scenario occurs to you, allow yourself to consider it interesting, and then let it go.

It will probably take a few weeks of no contact for your brain to start thinking without the influence of his negative mantras. So try and relax and let things unfold in their own time.

And yes, I appreciate you miss him and that isn't a nice feeling. But it will ease and get better, again with time.

I just wanted to say thank you, it has been a hard day and your replies are helping

I had a year of intense psychotherapy as an out patient when Ds was born, but I agree I could probably do with more. I will speak to the doctor this week and try and get a referral.

I haven’t contacted him since we spoke last night, which is just unheard of for us, so I think is our watershed no contact moment. I’ve been here before, I know I will Be Okay. I’m just sad for the lost life I had planned with him. I miss him, even if we weren’t good together at the end. It’s hard!

Cross posted with Djnoun thank you, I will honestly try and do that. Just breathe and get through each feeling. I like that idea, there isn’t a hurry to figure this out, I think that had been a pressure for me.

Yes, there's no hurry at all. This is something you'll only get clarity on with distance, so give yourself that time.

You've been through a shit experience, so you need to concentrate on treating yourself kindly for now. Think about the things you love to do most to relax and feel comfortable, and plan to do them in the next week.

Just read this whole thing. You’re doing the right thing to cut contact.

It also sounds like you’re holding him to very low standards (ie assuming you’ve made him abusive, rather than this being his fault), and yourself to impossibly high standards (ie assuming it’s ok to beat yourself up for having normal human emotions like jealousy, anger, and missing somebody). Might be interesting trying to swap perspectives, so viewing his behaviour through the lense of your standards for yourself?

I’ve also found it really useful in times of distress to check what I’m saying to myself with “would I say this to my sister/best friend/child when they were struggling?” If the answer is “no”, I try to stop saying it to myself as well.

Fucking hell. It’s NOT you. Stay away from him because he will physically hurt you and probably your DS as well. He’s a messed up bastard and you need to stay the hell away from him. He was with his ex 20 years...I bet that poor woman put up with a lot of shit from him...it must have taken a lot of courage for her to leave him.

If you have been honest with your friends, then YOU have not made him LOOK LIKE the bad guy, his actions & behaviour MAKE him a bad guy.

Your son needs to be told that git wasn’t nice to you and NO ONE has to put up with being treat badly, not you and not DS.

Be strong and stay away from the utter cunt.

(I do feel sorry for his DS, but YOU couldn’t change that kids life, even if you stayed with his father)

Thank you everyone it really is helping me to read this. I’m struggling tonight, which is stupid as i felt wobbly but okay this afternoon. My mood changes so quick! Ds is having a sleepover so I’m trying to watch magic mike and distract myself, but my attention span is awful.

Verbena what you said about mismatched standards has really hit home. I actually said to him that I am constantly forgiving him for hurting me, but that he can’t forgive me for hurting him once (by telling my friends what was going on) it’s just totally out of sync isn’t it? I’ve never had particularly high standards (only 3 ex boyfriends but all were abusive - that’s why I was single for so long, to try and break the habit)

I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I’m honestly usually so strong and independent. I run my own business, I’ve raised Ds from pregnancy on my own, I travel, I have friends. Why am I such a mess?

I miss him so bloody much, I can’t work out if I’m making a horrible mistake, because the good bits were just so bloody good, and that was the majority of the time until recently. It hurts being strong and walking away, and I’m worried I’ve got it wrong.

The good bits were good. That's absolutely true. But you need to come to terms with the fact that those good times have come at a huge, insurmountable price, which is your self esteem and ability to value yourself.

The right person will not make you feel like a piece of shit. And by going no contact, you are in the best possible position to meet the person who you can have a mutually productive relationship with. This relationship is all about him. It's not good enough for you. You deserve more than this.

Again, don't worry about the wobbles. You're dealing with a physical addiction, with all the bonding hormones. But it will get better. I promise you.

I’m really struggling today. I read up about being addicted to a person and it was scary as so much of it was us. We were both addicted to each other, I think we were both love bombing each other too. Surely this makes me as bad as him?

I just miss him, I’m so sad for our lost future. I’m cross with myself for feeling this way, I just want a magic wand for it to all feel better.

I’m genuinely sorry for coming across so pathetic, I am so grateful to you all for being so patient and replying. I’m just a mess today. It’s real isn’t it?

The addiction thing is real; I think you get really addicted to the drama as well (good and bad) - in my experience it is worth pushing through: the relief when I finally let go of a high-drama relationship was so huge, and then even more huge when I met my DH and experienced a sane, supportive, mutually rewarding relationship.

I just don’t understand how it changed so suddenly? We had such a long time of no drama, then these last few months it’s like everything and the kitchen sink was thrown at us. I’m so angry at him for breaking us and giving up on us, and yet a small part of me knows I deserved better and it had become so mangled that ‘normal’ people wouldn’t put up with half the stuff he did. He locked me in the house once when we argued and I had to threaten to call the police. He just laughed at me and said I would turn it around into something bad he had done, and he just wanted to make sure we sorted out our arguement. Have I got that so wrong? I trust him, so him locking me in wasn’t scary as such, but I panicked. He said he made a mistake and wanted to make us better, but that I over reacted.