relationship ended and I’ve fucked up but need to document why so I don’t forget. Long I think, sorry :(

[flyingsaucersherbet]

Bf and I have been rocky for last 6 weeks. His decree nisi (first part?) came through and he over night said he needed space and dumped me. Friends told me about the decree - he never told me it was because of that until afterwards. It absolutely shook my trust in him that he could 360 go from saying he loved me and is being utterly solid to ending our relationship, and though we got back together, I’ve been feeling insecure ever since.

I had another thread on this, but a few weeks ago we were on his phone and a message popped up from a girl saying “feeling naughty” I insisted on seeing the other messages and it was his ex wife’s cousin - earlier that day she’d asked if she could send him porn and he said yes, then sent another saying she knew why they couldn’t be together but she wanted it anyway. I freaked out, threw his phone at the wall and chucked him out. Again, we got back together but it’s added to the insecurity I’ve been feeling.

I know I’ve been crowding dp and being needy, he went away this weekend and told me he might be seeing strippers. I said that made me feel a bit weird, and the whole time he was away I was checking to see when he was online and making digs at him. I’ve never been the jealous type, I’ve pointed out celebs iv thought he would fancy before, never checked his phone, nothing.

I feel like I’ve turned into this horrid person wondering what he’s doing, I’ve been making snide comments, checking up on him. It came to a head tonight and we split up.

He had a holiday booked for next week and his nanny can no longer go, so his ex wife is going instead. I said that crossed a line for me, and he should be able to manage his kids alone, and he said tough basically.

He said tonight he can’t breathe and he doesn’t like the person I am any more, I’m angry because I feel like he’s made me this way and I’m trying. I told 2 of my best friends that we are struggling and why, because I was a mess. They know his ex wife too, and he is so livid with me because he says she will now blame herself for us splitting up, and that I’ll start a family war by telling people what he did with cousin. I got so angry at this point, because it’s all about his ex wife - I said some horrible, viscious things about his parenting and his child’s behaviour (he keeps hurting my Ds on purpose). I would never forgive anyone if they said these things about my Ds, and I was truly malicious. He called me an evil cunt.

I feel shit. I think maybe I let loose because I needed it to be over, I needed him to hate me so we didn’t get back together this time? I’m so gutted, because truly when we were good, we were such an amazing couple. I need to be strong and remember that we had become so toxic.

How do i stay strong? How do i get over being so horrible in the end? I actually love his little boy so much, but I’m frustrated that no one actually parents him and he was becoming so spoiled and mean to the other kids / adults around him.

You do not make your adult relationship better by locking someone up against their will. You can only do that to someone who you don’t see as a functional adult worthy of your respect.

In a way it doesn’t matter whether it started suddenly or not - it happened and it’s not ok. I think maybe as well you’re seeing a sudden shift when actually there may have been signs before eg you mention him saying you needed to dress a certain way because you were an extension of him? Bollocks. Adults do not own the bodies of other adults - who thinks other people’s bodies are theirs to play with? Rapists, murderers, abusers? It’s not a healthy or normal attitude, is it?

Hang in there. What lovely thing can you do in the next few hours? Even tiny things like reading a favourite book with your son or making hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows and sprinkles - I think you need to keep giving yourself the message that you are loved and worthy of pleasure/contentment; it’ll take time for your mind to start believing the messages, behave like you love yourself anyway.

His ex is quite well known and I think he’s got used to being an extension of her, so it was kind of like that with me too?

I’ve just been to McDonald’s and Ds and I are snuggled up in bed watching gangsta granny. I just feel like I need these past few weeks to pass so it gets easier. I will see him every day once school starts again (kids at same place) and I need to be stronger for then.

I’m trying to read up about all the things people have mentioned. My self esteem is on the floor, I think maybe that’s why in the beginning it wasn’t so bad - It was never amazing but I’ve become worn down now.

I need a kick up the bum!

you will get through this .. given time

I’ve written a list of things I will actively miss so I can try and replace the holes. I so far have:

Lumea hair removal machine,
Going out for nice meals
Financial back up.
Someone on my side.
Cuddles and affection.

I’ve resisted writing ‘him’. I can fill the holes above on the list, I can buy another bloody lumea, go out with friends for meals (I always used to anyway!) start my business back up to create my own financial back up, my family and friends are on my side and cuddles and affection from Ds..... and later on if I get another partner.

It’s a sad list really. ‘Him’ just encompasses so much that I can’t put into writing.

Sounds like he was emotionally controlling. You don't turn men abusive, but often people with an abusive past can find themselves drawn to men who are abusive. And abusers are drawn to those they think they can abuse. Also, sometimes two people just bring out the worst in each other. All this doesn't mean it won't be hard. You can love someone even though you had a f*cked relationship. Anyone would have kicked off like you did about the porn and the cousin etc. He could've reassured you but he didn't. It will have to be over now, and it's ok to grieve over that and wonder why and how and what you could've done differently. That's a usual reaction to a breakup. You need time to get over it. Just assume survival mode for now to get through the worst.

Now write a list of all his bad points.

It’s long, but actually helpful. How can I know all the below and it isn’t a deal breaker for me?! I am going To write it down and put it by my bed to read every time I need a kick up the Arse.

Bad points

Unpredictable
Manipulative
irrationally angry
Always had to be right.
Snobby.
Materialistic.
Obsessed with the past.
Would name drop.
Complained about missing the kids but didn’t actually try to see them more often.
Was 20 years older than me
Obsessed with his ex’s family (they are sort of famous)
Pulled away from me if I ever said I needed reassurance.
Was a lazy / ineffectual parent who left it to others.
Inflated sense of ego - thought everyone was jealous of him.
Cared more about his ex wife’s feelings than mine.
Thought he was an amazing dancer and incredibly funny - but would get annoyed when people didn’t applaud these skills on nights out.
Would tell me he was the best lover I would ever have.
Controlling
Didn’t like me seeing / talking to friends.
Told me my mum didn’t like me, that she preferred him.

I imagine it's because your self esteem and relationship bar is very very low, keep looking at that list. I thought my ex was amazing. Everything I'd been waiting for all my life. The little abusive things crept in over time until I was miserable and he was gaslighting me. I made a list and it had about 40 or 50 bad points on it. Reading it now sets my teeth on edge but I put it with all those bad things because he seemed like a nice guy and because he was t as abusive as my stbexh. Not good.

That’s quite a list,but really this should be at the top

He liked hurting me during sex. He would slap me, punch me. It started out as mild bondage but pushed it every time. I stopped him a few times, but he said he liked hurting me

Massive red flag.

Enrique I didn’t put that on because I liked the mild bondage, and I know he said he liked hurting me, but when I felt crap I liked him to hurt me too. Which I realise is pretty shit, but I don’t feel I can blame him for it.

Perverse 40-50 things! Wow! You are def better off without him! I keep reading the list. It’s helping me get some perspective because up till now I’ve been thinking of his good points.

My self esteem has always been crap, always. I have worked hard to try and build it up, but i get easily knocked and self sabotage a lot. I need to work on this, I just don’t know if it’s too late now.

I wouldn't say that bondage in of itself is a red flag. But not having a chat with you about your boundaries is.

He hurts you.

His son hurts your son.

No matter what the good bits are, nothing would outweigh these for me.

I know. I really am trying to remember these things. I keep reading the list of bad points and trying to stay strong and empowered, but I actually just miss him. I have this huge knot of anxiety in my stomach all the time, I just want to turn off my feelings! Am trying to do mindfulness and breathe and accept the feelings till they pass, but I’m not very good at it yet!

I broke the bad points down into things like physical, personality, habits. I wrote down every little thing. Really picked it all apart and I was shocked as to how awful he actually was. I've really missed him recently. Last saw him in February. Life has been much better without him and my kids were relieved that they'd no longer have to see his kids.

I might try that tomorrow @perverse, I keep thinking of Other little things. He rearranged all the clothes in 2 sets of my drawers once because it was more convenient for him (we didn’t live together) and I remember thinking at the time he was so self centred he couldn’t even see that it was weird to do that!

I’m so sorry you have been missing your ex. When did it start to get easier? Had you been together long? Ds is at school with ex’s kids so we will have to all still see each other. He says he misses my ex, but not his eldest child. He had it all sorted out that my ex would take him out once a month like his dad did, and I had to tell him that that wasn’t going to happen. I feel so bloody guilty!

We were together 11 months. My youngest was just 3 when we split and talked about him a great deal. He never mentions him now. I did feel bad though because he really liked him. However ex had referred to him a a "shit" so that was a decider on ending things. We only saw each other once or twice a week but had a few holidays together. I didn't miss him much at all really, I just go through phases of missing the fun we had. Facebook throws up memories of good times and that makes me miss him. But he was awful. And once I'd realised he was abusive I was able to see that abuse colouring all my good memories. Eg The fab campervan holiday we had but he insisted my 2 year old breastfed son sleep apart from me and above the cab because it made HIM uncomfortable to be intimate with me with him in the same "room" even though he was in a different bed, asleep, and it was pitch dark. It was all about him. He had to have sex with the lights on otherwise he couldn't keep it up. His children were very badly behaved and it caused a lot of stress in our relationship. You too will hopefully start to see things through clear non-tinted glasses as time goes on. I'm so much happier without him and was immediately on ending it. It was a relief.

I couldn’t forgive anyone if they called my Ds a “shit”, I really feel for you.

He has just liked 3 of my instagram photos and sent me 3 kisses. I actually feel like I can’t breathe. Fuck this is so hard. I literally ache for him. How did this happen to us?

Block and delete. Block and delete. It's the only way. He's only doing it to get a reaction from you. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Please have a look at the freedom program online and the book why does he do that? Or give women's aid a call. But in the mean time the only way forward is to block and delete so he can't contact you or like photos or whatever.

But the red flag is that you said it started out as mild bondage and he pushed it every time. You stopped him a few times but he said he liked it

These are your words, not mine.

He doesn’t listen to you, doesn’t respect you, or your DC. He doesn’t care if you actually enjoy the sex so long as he does. If you actively enjoyed it fine, but you’re saying it was something else, same as his DC hurting yours and his lack of concern or action. That is where the red flag lies for me and pressing like on some posts isn’t going to change that.

I dated someone who turned out to be controlling in a similar manner. He was also extremely kind at other times, so I empathise with your confusion. We dated for three months. It was about six weeks before I felt better, I'll be honest. I did a lot of yoga and soul searching in that time. I still missed him for another couple of months. But after that, I felt nothing but horror at how he had treated me.

I’ve been so shocked by the effect him just sending those kisses in a message has had on me. I’ve not slept, I feel sick, I am shaking again. It’s made me realise that I might of found it hard, but it had absolutely got easier and I need that back again. It just winded me!

I blocked him about 3am, which feels so wrong as I want with every fibre in my being to have him back instead. My head must know that isn’t right though somehow as I haven’t got back in touch with him?

Thank you everyone. I know I’m probably annoying and whining, but I am feeling so lost right now.

I might of found it hard, but it had absolutely got easier you’ve already started the process of recovery; it’s got easier once, it’ll get easier again with the same approach of giving yourself time and avoiding contact. Well bloody done for blocking him.

It’s easy to type an x. It’s not easy to tell someone you supposedly love and respect that they’re an ‘evil cunt’. Look at your list, hug your son, make it through one day at a time.

I know I’m probably annoying and whining, but I am feeling so lost right now.

No, you're not annoying or whining, we can all see that you're going through turmoil and that you've been manipulated and conditioned. When you think about something good it makes you doubt your reaction to the bad, which is why threads like this are so useful, to underline that this relationship is toxic and to help reinforce that for you.

That's what some of the harsher or more bold replies are, reinforcing what can be seen clearly from the outside, but please don't mistake disgust at his treatment of you and your DC for anything other than frustration that you explain or excuse his behaviour away.

You're an independent person who deserves respect within a relationship not to be treated as arm candy, an extension of him or a possession of his. Along with the worst things he's done I can't quite get over him rearranging your drawers so the contents better suit him. He's not spent his time changing something because he thinks it's an improvement for you, he's intrusive and dismissive of your personal space.

When you waver, just imagine your son growing up and treating anyone like this? or how you'd feel if a close friend or daughter was in your situation?

The whole situation is making you feel ill, that's showing how unhealthy it is. You need to be in a recovery period and be kind to yourself. Support is here when you need it

I've just read your list of cons and you are describing my bestie- who's a man. He is controlling, difficult, never wrong, argumentative, snobby and downright nasty. Then for 3 months he'll be lovely and kind and want to spend all his time with me - a sort of platonic lovebombing. Then in a heartbeat he'll change. Underneath it he's incredibly insecure and therefore has become something of a bully to cover up. Problem is - the good times are so good I used to forget the bad. Now it's happened so often I realise it's a never ending cycle. It's left me broken and insecure before - I've had easier breakups. It's a control thing. I think for the victims it's an addiction thing - the lows are so low because he can be truly awful that when they are nice the highs are very high. It's not healthy though. I do find that reading up about how people react to stuff psychologically helps me when people are being shitty. You realise you are basically just feeling the way you do because you're just human and reacting normally. It's all biology innit.