relationship ended and I’ve fucked up but need to document why so I don’t forget. Long I think, sorry :(

[flyingsaucersherbet]

Bf and I have been rocky for last 6 weeks. His decree nisi (first part?) came through and he over night said he needed space and dumped me. Friends told me about the decree - he never told me it was because of that until afterwards. It absolutely shook my trust in him that he could 360 go from saying he loved me and is being utterly solid to ending our relationship, and though we got back together, I’ve been feeling insecure ever since.

I had another thread on this, but a few weeks ago we were on his phone and a message popped up from a girl saying “feeling naughty” I insisted on seeing the other messages and it was his ex wife’s cousin - earlier that day she’d asked if she could send him porn and he said yes, then sent another saying she knew why they couldn’t be together but she wanted it anyway. I freaked out, threw his phone at the wall and chucked him out. Again, we got back together but it’s added to the insecurity I’ve been feeling.

I know I’ve been crowding dp and being needy, he went away this weekend and told me he might be seeing strippers. I said that made me feel a bit weird, and the whole time he was away I was checking to see when he was online and making digs at him. I’ve never been the jealous type, I’ve pointed out celebs iv thought he would fancy before, never checked his phone, nothing.

I feel like I’ve turned into this horrid person wondering what he’s doing, I’ve been making snide comments, checking up on him. It came to a head tonight and we split up.

He had a holiday booked for next week and his nanny can no longer go, so his ex wife is going instead. I said that crossed a line for me, and he should be able to manage his kids alone, and he said tough basically.

He said tonight he can’t breathe and he doesn’t like the person I am any more, I’m angry because I feel like he’s made me this way and I’m trying. I told 2 of my best friends that we are struggling and why, because I was a mess. They know his ex wife too, and he is so livid with me because he says she will now blame herself for us splitting up, and that I’ll start a family war by telling people what he did with cousin. I got so angry at this point, because it’s all about his ex wife - I said some horrible, viscious things about his parenting and his child’s behaviour (he keeps hurting my Ds on purpose). I would never forgive anyone if they said these things about my Ds, and I was truly malicious. He called me an evil cunt.

I feel shit. I think maybe I let loose because I needed it to be over, I needed him to hate me so we didn’t get back together this time? I’m so gutted, because truly when we were good, we were such an amazing couple. I need to be strong and remember that we had become so toxic.

How do i stay strong? How do i get over being so horrible in the end? I actually love his little boy so much, but I’m frustrated that no one actually parents him and he was becoming so spoiled and mean to the other kids / adults around him.

Hello, thank you again for your messages

Ex bf hasn’t been back in touch (he could only message, he blocked on everything else) but I caved and sent him a message saying how much I missed him. He replied “take care of yourself xxx” he obviously doesn’t want to talk to me, and I’m angry at myself when I was doing so well to cave and contact him.

I miss him. I’m trying to read up on being addicted to a person, on how to break the abusive cycle, on how I can just feel better! Am currently reading “you are a badass” and it’s helping, but I want to feel better now, I want to feel like I’m doing the right thing, because I know if he contacted me now I would be back in his arms like a shot, and I’m not sure that’s healthy any more. I think that’s why I shouted at him about his parenting, I needed him to not want me because I am not strong enough to walk away.

I’ve lost half a stone on the plus side!

I’ve lost all self respect, I have asked to see him and he’s said one day but not yet. I’ve told him I love and miss him, that I’m still wearing the bracelet He got for me because I am still his. I am so weak, yet it’s all true.

Yes, he's got you properly hooked.

It's statistically several times in of being abused before the person feels able to leave. So you are not weak. But you do probably need to hit rock bottom before you'll get yourself out of this for good.

Keep talking if it helps.

I’m still here, thank you for replying

I tried talking to him yesterday (a parking fine came through for when he had the car) and whilst he is being really nice - transferred the money instantly, he clearly doesn’t want to chat or be in contact.

I’m trying to keep busy. I just want him back with me though. I miss him, and as time is going on the pressure of the bad bits isn’t as fresh so I’m thinking if I just had changed the way I’d reacted / hadn’t brought certain things up, then we would still be together.

I can’t work out if This is because he’s the love of my life and we can make it work, or because I have shit self esteem and don’t want To lose him?

Either way, I’m trying so hard to just move forward. I am struggling with Ds who deserves so much better than me faking being happy. I’ve put on so many films for him just so I can switch off, and I feel like I need to up my game with him.

I want to work on myself, because I need to feel better and try and improve my self esteem, but also, because if he does decide he wants me again then I guess the girl who’s not got out of pjs in 3 days isn’t going to be the one that convinces him of it.

I want it to get easier soon!

Have you tried to get some counselling or contacted women's aid? It's very worrying that despite everything you are wanting him back and holding on to the hope he'll change his mind. Even if he does, why on earth would you want him back? Is the bar for you and your son so low? He's not coming back, he thankfully doesn't want to be with you so it's time to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and try to move on. Day by day, fill your life with other things. Slow and steady and he will eventually just be a distant memory and you'll wonder WTF you were thinking. It's good to wallow at first and really give in to all those emotions but there comes s time when you have to move on from the relationship. It's over. Time to start putting you and your child first.

I had a year of intense psychotherapy about 5 years ago, but I was a mess then (childhood abuse) and so it feels wrong to access counselling now when I’m not at crisis point. That said, I can see I have very messed up relationships and would probably really benefit from it!

I know Ds has to come first. I am fighting hard against the wallow, but god putting on films and lazing about is gooooood. I’m giving myself till Monday and then I’m starting the new week kick ass. My business launches next week, and I can’t keep hibernating as much as I’d like too.

That all said. Genuinely, I’d take him back in a heartbeat and I want that feeling to go, because he clearly doesn’t want me. Maybe I just struggle with rejection? I don’t want to give up on us. God knows why.

I just wanted to update.

He’s leaving today for the holiday with his ex wife. I’ve contacted him a few times and had cursory replies, he’s agreed to see me next week when he’s home.

I’m trying to be kick ass. I’ve booked to get my hair cut and coloured, I’ve done loads of work on my new businesses website. I’ve things planned all week with Ds.

I’m hoping if I can ‘fake it till I make it’. I’m annoyed with myself as I feel I’ve given him all the power. I’ve told him I love and miss him and want us to be together, and I’ve asked to see him (which he’s agreed too) but... a part of me is getting angry now. He gave up on us. He treated me appallingly at times and expected me to put up with it, but when i needed reassurance or lost my temper because of what happened, he just couldn’t deal with it. He said I was always consistent in wanting him, and once that wobbled, he wanted out.

I’m going to keep trying to move forward this week, I don’t know what will happen when I see him next week, I don’t know what else we have to say, because for this to be fixed it has to come from him and not me this time.

He gave up on us. He treated me appallingly at times and expected me to put up with it, but when i needed reassurance or lost my temper because of what happened, he just couldn’t deal with it.

This. You do not want him in your life, and I think if at all possible I’d avoid seeing him (apart from in passing at the school gates). Rooting for you this week and sending strong thoughts.

I am glad that you are taking positive action in some areas of your life, OP.

But some questions for you, which you don't have to answer. But just consider the following. If you could wave a magic wand, what would you like him to do in order to make this better? If you could have anything at all you desired. And, based on previous experience of his behaviour, what score would you give out of ten in respect to how likely it is he will carry out your dream action?

His flights just taken off and I feel winded again. I hate him for having done this to us. For being so selfish and not caring that he has hurt me so much.

If I had a magic wand he would say he’s sorry, that he wants to fix this and he wants to be with me. That he will get counselling for his anger issues (we have spoke about this before) and that he wants to build a future with me. He’s said this before, so for th saying it i am a 7/10 that he might. The actual carrying out of it though, the putting of those words into actions, 2/10. Why do I still hope then?

I sat watching his flight on flight radar and I need to get a grip. I do so well, then something just takes the wind out my sails and I’m back to rock bottom.

I think you need to take away the illusion that you are somehow responsible for how you feel in this situation. You miss him. And no matter how hard you try, you are still going to miss him. It IS temporary. And if you can open your mind to the idea, what is going to make you feel better is time and distance. The only thing to do for now is strap yourself in and prepare to be feeling up and down for a while.

But you know that he's not going to offer you a solution. The odds you've given show that it's an unrealistic dream. You're going to get through this though. Give it time.

Stop doing the pick me dance. He doesnt want you

Write the list...
I will not miss having a partner who..
Is abusive and violent towards me during sex where I am not in control and have no ability to say no
Sees strippers
Receives porn from other women
Does not have my son's interests at heart
Does not parent in the way I do
Locks me in so I don't feel safe
Stops me going out with my friends cutting me off from my support network
Tells me not to talk about our relationship so I cannot figure out right from wrong
Doesn't listen to me concerns and tells me I twist things making me doubt myself
Makes me dress in a way that he wants because he sees me as an extension of him
Has encouraged me to give up my business so I am now financially dependent upon him (you haven't said this but I am curious as to how this came about)

I was a financially independent woman with a circle of supportive friends and a well adjusted confident child, despite my abusive background I have fought against the odds and I will get back there very soon.

I love myself truly and deeply and I do not need this person. REPEAT THIS OFTEN!!!

I love those affirmations! I have been doing them every night in an attempt to improve my self worth, will add these to the routine!

I’ve made an appointment today to see my doctor about some counselling. I don’t think I need it to get over ex, but more to try and work out why I put up with so much, and how to stop myself doing the same in the future.

Forgiveness you are spot on about the business thing, but I think I probably wanted to be financially dependent on him. He is very wealthy (doesn’t work any more) and I think I wanted him to save me. He offered to help me set up business with him, but whenever we got close to actually doing it we would have a disagreement or the timing was never right. I’ve always worked, but spending the days with him instead sort of became the habit and the norm, and as more time passed my confidence plummeted and it became scarier to get back out there. He was very generous, his ex wife is foreign royalty so has never worked and I think I wanted to compete with their relationship to a degree in terms of being available? I don’t know, I’m trying to unpick it all.

OP you’re clearly intelligent and self-aware, and you’re actively taking steps to look after yourself. I honestly think you’re going to be more than fine once you get over the upheaval he’s caused.

I got as far as feeling naughty.

Honestly op, you need to have a word with yourself and not give this twat any more of your time.

Yes, have a word with yourself. It's cringeable now.

Raise your bar for relationships and work on your self care, confidence and parenting skills. You prioritised an unfaithful man who had bad attitudes about your DS.

His ex wife is foreign royalty.

its cringeable now

Ouch. I’m struggling, I’m trying to figure this out. Your words on a screen are reaching a real person here you know?

loopytiles she is. I’ve posted in the past about how I’ve struggled with self esteem about her / the situation.

Some people come on MN solely to be assholes to other people, OP. Don't take it to heart.

How are you feeling today?

OP you have had lots of great advice on ALL of your threads about this guy. You've had a year of psychotherapy previously and yet here you are still engaging in and craving toxic relationships. You seem to love all the drama which is evident from your updates. I'm not sure what more you want from people as you've already had lots of great advice. The Freedom Programme would be very beneficial. You can do it online for something like £11. I wish you happiness but only you can make that happen and wallowing isn't going to help you.

I've just read from start to finish and I started out thinking you seemed strong and although you were sad, you were doing it, you'd be fine and I've just got to the end and I'm silently screaming at the screen.

I can't believe you got so far and are now planning on meeting him. You think PP was too harsh but I've got to say, you need tough love and I hope to God someone is giving it to you in real life.

It's one thing being stuck in an abusive pattern relationship OP, but he is not interested, the cycle is broken, you are free but you are actively trying to get in it again?!

What about your son? Why cant you put him first? He was bullied when you were last in this relationship. You honestly want this man who can't parent his own son to be a main male role model in his life? Your partner, his step-father? You would put him back in contact with a family that hurt him?

You're obviously having a tough time and clearly your history goes some way to explaining why you are finding it so difficult to move on from this, but when it comes to your son, you should just say 'enough' and do whats right for him. He deserves better.

Yes you'll miss him, you will still hurt for a while probably and you feel lost but for Gods sake dont meet up with him. This is madness!

Op. He's a crazy maker. These men are very good at making you feel mad when they are the ones causing the grief and stress. Look up baggage reclaim. Com and crazy makers, a light bulb will go off. He is throwing you crumbs and you are cherishing every scrap. Do not go back to him. Ever. Xxxx

You are not wrong to seek counselling. You ARE at crisis point. If this abusive dude comes back and snaps his fingers you'll gi back to him and you literally might get killed.