When is time to give up ?

[littlebigtown]

I am just bloody fed up .

I'm 8 months into a relationship and just don't know what to do .
It's one of those relationships where everything seems stacked against us and I'm giving up trying to make sense of it all .

I'm not really looking for advice , just somewhere to vent about it all and just to know someone is listening .

The short story is that I'm 1 year after leaving my marriage , he's 1 year widowed .. chuck in a mix of kids , some little , some grown up , an ex wife(his first one) , my stbxh and whole host of other issues and me sat here now , crying in the garden .

Just remind me I'm not worthless

Of course your not worthless. Ask yourself if he ( and his baggage) is worth it ?
Are your happy days more than the shit days ?
Are your kids happy with the situation?
Does he make you happy more than 75% of the time ?

Of course you are not worthless! What is the living set up here? If you're able to walk away, do it, there are no rules that say you have to be stuck in a relationship if you don't want to be and you aren't happy.

The little kids seem to handled to change fairly well , bit of a push back from my adult daughter but even she seems to be coming round now ( she lives independently with a family of her own so although I've listened to her opinion and taken on board her thoughts as long as I continue to make time for her she is happy )

It's really hard to live in the shadows of a seemingly perfect person , It was tragic what happened to her and was very much unexpected but he invited me into his life and I very much feel like the booby prize right now . That said , I am also expected to pick up where she left off as their youngest is only a toddler (she is an absolute peach and we are very fond of each other so that's one bit of loveliness) . Housework , nursery drops , bathing , dressing etc and I don't mind as such but I always getting it wrong somehow .

Today's problem is I'm not putting enough money into the house , ( my kids are 50/50 with stbxh so I'm able to stay at his half the week) my argument is that's it's not my house and I'm still paying full whack on my own property , there is talk of us moving in together but we are not there yet so I don't see why I would , neither of us are on the breadline so it's the principle not a need iyswim.anyway que a fairly heated discussion and him leaving me here with his kids whilst he's gone to the pub !

I'm more than happy 75% of the time it's just the bits where I'm not .. the bad bits are really bad

Oh FGS. It's not on for him to bugger off to the pub, leaving you with the kids, because you told him some home truths.
I don't like him already and it doesn't bode well at all.

Sounds like he's not ready to be in a relationship (or he's a shitbag). . It's very soon for you to be virtually living together and you looking after his dc. It's too quick - pull back.

Doing his housework?! Expected to pay into his household expenses? Wtaf?

That's the bit that upsets me . He has left me here with his kids because that is what he would have done when his wife was here .

It's like I'm a replacement and I'm treated like one , he would never ask if I minded doing anything it's just expected that I will because I'm the woman and the 'mum' in the situation. No thanks for your help but when I pull him up on it he makes out I don't do anything so I don't need thanking. I deliberately went on a mini strike this afternoon and I was accused of ignoring the kids and not pulling my weight in the house so I can't win . That's when he said I should be paying more in .

I know I should be on the motorway now with my suitcase in the back of my car but I'm not and I can't figure out for the life of me why I'm staying .

DO NOT move into his house,if you do you are trapped,i did this and when things went wrong i had nowhere to go with my children, whatever you do,keep your own place

How about packing that bag? It'd be nice to get home.

I really need to talk freely about the deceased wife so apologies of this offends anyone .

Because of what happened (which was awful , she was so young ) everyone around him pulled in and did everything to help him in whatever way was needed , I honestly think this has made him an entitled fucker who thinks that because he has had a rough time everyone should pander to him . I'm bloody guilty of it myself but how long can you keep doing it ?

8 months and then you see the light and walk.

My house is lovely too , this one is a bit of a shithole .

This is really helping me to see clearly now it's written down .. honestly .. thank you

OP, is he still out? If so, get your bags packed now. Why the hell are you putting up with this rubbish? And he might say his ex was a saint now, but I bet be treated her equally badly.

The ex's story is good one but super outing. If she had been on Mumsnet it would have been a 3 thread ,3000 comments , place marking LTB kinda thread .

All of which he told me in our first date and I still allowed myself to get involved !

OP, he is using you as a housekeeper and childminder. You are a handy replacement for the deceased wife, but will never be able to live up to her sainted memory. There is damn all in this relationship for you. I’d go back to your own nice house and kick this chap into the long grass. He isn’t ready for a new partner until he’s capable of loving one instead of using one.

8 months into a relationship when you don't live together, there really shouldn't be any "pulling your weight" imo. Surely he should still be treating you like a guest when you're in his home and fussing round you a bit?

Also, "not paying enough" suggests that you are paying something? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't charge a fairly new partner to stay at my house. He's not a keeper lovely, I think you know that. Go back to your lovely house and leave him to it.

He doesn’t sound like much of a catch. You deserve better. Pack your bits so when he gets home from the pub you can go to your lovely home and think about whether you want to continue this.

I think your gut is giving you a huge signal here. I'd recommend listening to it. I'd hazard a guess that you aren't calling it off because subconsciously you might feel guilty after what he's been through previously.... Got that t-shirt! Get yourself home and gather your thoughts

I'm glad that writing it all down is helping.

Hes using you and you’re just waking up to it.

Yes it’s tragic his wife died so young but that doesn’t give him the right to treat you like a nanny/house keeper, and then ask you to PAY for the privilege.

The other point is his wife only died a year ago, in awful circumstances. Its very, very early days, he may still be in shock but it doesn’t give him an excuse to treat you like this.

You both need space. If I were you I wouldn’t spend half the week at his house, go back to “dating” again and build things up slowly. That’s if you want to give the relationship another go.

If I were you, I would take some time out from relationships for a while until everything has settled down after your divorce. A year or two of just you, to rediscover yourself and recharge your batteries. Learn to love yourself again.

8 months and you're doing his housework, looking after his toddler/other kids and expected to pay for the privilege?! WTAF?! OP, he doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a skivvy who'll also let him shag them when he feels like it - and actually pay him for the privilege, just to add insult to injury. He invited you into his life - I bet he did, he probably couldn't believe his luck that he'd found someone who would pay him to clean his house and look after his kids. Seriously, wake up, get your stuff, leave and don't go back, and do some serious work on your self esteem because in no way should you think that what this entitled pisstaker is offering you is a good relationship.

This reminds me of stories from the 19th century, when women died in childbirth and the husband shacked up with the housekeeper within a couple of months, so that he had someone to wash his socks and look after his other kids.

Written down its really hitting home how this relationship isn't all I'm pretending it is .

He's back from the pub , I can read posts but probably not reply back without him wanting to know what I'm doing .

Thank you all so much , I could write a book on this one , I just feel a bit lost and with no one in real life to talk too it sometimes feels like I'm going mad with it all ,

Even hour last reply had red flags in it.

Pack your bag, leave and dont look back. He needs much more time before he can move on. He needs to know how to function as a single parent first.