When is time to give up ?

[littlebigtown]

I am just bloody fed up .

I'm 8 months into a relationship and just don't know what to do .
It's one of those relationships where everything seems stacked against us and I'm giving up trying to make sense of it all .

I'm not really looking for advice , just somewhere to vent about it all and just to know someone is listening .

The short story is that I'm 1 year after leaving my marriage , he's 1 year widowed .. chuck in a mix of kids , some little , some grown up , an ex wife(his first one) , my stbxh and whole host of other issues and me sat here now , crying in the garden .

Just remind me I'm not worthless

It might be worth exploring the Grief Curve? You guys met 4 months after his wife died right? You might recognise where he might have been on the curve when you met. This Curve can apparently be used for divorce as well so you might see where you on there too? I wonder, if you cannot recognise the stages the curve mention, might you not have gone through them? Might this relationship be masking these stages? Just a thought....

https://www.exeter.ac.uk/media/universityofexeter/humanresources/documents/learningdevelopment/thechangee_curve.pdf

Backintheroom thank you , that might be very useful . I will have a look when I have emotionally calmed down a bit .

To everyone else - thank you , some words are hard to hear but I need to hear them and bizarrely coming from a bunch of strangers it's easier.

Right now I'm going to shower and crawl into bed , take my painkillers and hopefully fall asleep , stupidly I've committed to going back to the office tomorrow instead of resting but at least I will be busy .

Oh OP. How horrible for you. His true colours now really shining through. Right now you need support, which a DP should be wanting to do - not causing you grief because of childcare for his children.

Please, please block him. You need time to reflect on this relationship as well as time to recover from your OP. Truthfully, I believe everyone needs a few days to recover from anethesia - should you really go in to work?

Especially now you should plan on being in your lovely home and recovering from you op (perhaps plan for weekend in your own bed or relaxing in your garden?

We’re all rooting for you OP.

I feel blumming awful but Ive made it too work so everything will be put to the back of my head whilst I catch up from my sick leave .

Several shitty phone calls and he clearly thinks I'm in the wrong still .

He's told me I'm a shit mum to my own kids , I'm selfish , I'm not what he wants for him or his kids etc . Deceased partner would be horrified if she knew what I was like and he hopes she haunts me for what I've done (still not 100% sure what I've actually done or not as the case maybe !)

Admittedly I am a bit shouty when I'm upset and his kids were at home so I'm guessing that is what has annoyed him but he was being a twat and could clearly see I was upset and carried on . I'm not sure what they would have heard as they wasn't directly close by anyway .

Anyway , today is a new day and I've got lots on .failing that ,my painkillers give me a lovely floaty feeling so one way or another i will get through it

I’m so sorry for you OP he’s said you’re not what he wants for him and his kids. That says it all. Block him now and move on. The rest is just rubbish to make you feel bad about yourself - which there is nothing to feel bad about. Time to let go. He’s not for you.

Hope you feel better physically today. Rest up on the weekend. Plan some “me” time.

Hi OP he is vile. Has he dumped you then? Will you go back if he whistles?

Blimey - he really has shown his true colours.
He's a cunt!
Pure and simple OP.
Please realise that.
His words and actions clearly show you were just a stand in mother to his kids and to him. Doing everything for them etc.....
Time for you and your kids now.
He can get to fuck and you can have a peaceful life away from this abusive knob-head.
Keep busy and ignore him.
Block him on everything and move on.
Well done on getting away though.
Keep strong now!

I hope that you find the strength to see your own worth xxx

I’m actually glad he’s not holding back and is letting his true feelings show, it would be impossible for you to go back to him now you know how he truly feels about you. Much better for this to happen now than years down the line after months and years of abuse and shittiness and investment.

I just can’t believe the two of you felt it was appropriate to slot a new woman into the mummy role with children whose mother recently died. Do you have any idea how much worse you’ve both made the grief of those kids? It’s hard enough to lose a parent. Try losing your only mum you’ll ever have, getting close to a replacement artificially quickly (which will probably have helped them temporarily dull some of the grief) and then losing her too, cos neither your dad or his new girlfriend were able to put your interests first and hold back, and their desire to play house superceded your needs as a child. They’ll grieve all over again, not just for their mum but for you.

If nothing else keeps you away from this man, I sincerely hope if you care for those kids half as much as you claim to, you’ll stay well away now. I’m just astonished two grown adults would think what you’ve done is appropriate. Nobody in this situation is looking out for the kids, nobody.

"I'm not what he wants for him or his kids etc"

Well quite. It seems he wanted a housekeeper/nanny, and he really would be better off (in every sense other than the monetary) if he employed someone. It is possible that there is a nicer man in there, currently lost in grief and upheaval. But you were looking for a relationship, not an unpaid therapist role. Let him find appropriate support, and stay well away now.

I know you'll feel shit because you're yet another person vanishing from his DC's life. But I don't see that it improves for them if you draw it out.

Do you have any idea how much worse you’ve both made the grief of those kids? It’s hard enough to lose a parent. Try losing your only mum you’ll ever have,

Yes I do , I did , my own mum died when I was 7 . I am well aware of the damage caused .. my own experience is probably what has made the situation worse . It's probably why I stayed and got as involved as I did .

There is so much more to this story but I haven't said everything as it would be very outing and actually and maybe selfishly I just needed support to be able to think clearly .

I've made some terrible decisions of late and I know that but sometimes you fuck up and it's only once you get your head straight you are able to see it .

Right now , I am my priority (my kids are still away) ,I came here to post because I don't have a voice anywhere else

I’m glad that posting here is helping you to clarify your thoughts. You don’t need an abusive man in your life and that’s what he is regardless of his bereavement. You can’t ‘compete’ with a deceased partner about whom no one can speak any ill and he’s been controlling you by making you feel obliged to try. You are not his rescuer and his children are his responsibility not yours, as harsh as that sounds. I suspect the push back from your adult daughter came from a place of concern

Hi OP,

Hope the painkillers are kicking in. Why haven't you kicked this twat to the kerb yet? He is vile, he is abusing you because he's had to look after HIS OWN KIDS? He just wants a maid and babysitter.

Please walk away. You are not a prick. You sound like a warm, kind person who likes helping others and unfortunately he's totally taken advantage of you.

Talk to your adult daughter.

This guy simply wasn’t ready to be in any relationship but because he felt lonely found someone he liked enough to fill a void. It’s not you OP, it’s him. Please never beat yourself up, you could have been miss world mixed with nigella and Aggie and Kim and he would still have had issues . Someone I know did similar and in her case got married to him 7 months afternoon his wife died, it became very clear quite quickly that she was a substitute wife appliance

What a bstard!! You're well shot of him. Don't beat yourself up, he's the one with the problem, not you. We all make mistakes in life - and we can learn from them and become stronger.

Be kind to yourself. Put all that energy and giving that you gave to him and his family into you and your family instead - it his loss and he's doesn't deserve it.

How are you *littlebigtown”?
He really has some nerve to rant and harass you just out of the hospital. That was him punishing you for not being 100% giving - you had some needs and that took your attention off of him/his kids/his universe.

No other “wake up call” is needed. And that throws down such an emotional ax that you really do not have any reason to feel guilty for kicking him to the curb.

He dumped you first? No, I don’t think so. He knows he has overstepped so many presumptuous boundaries and could see that you (however belatedly) hadcaught on to that. You were pulling away, as any reasonable person would. So he had to get in a verbal spanking for one more power trip at your expense. This certainly isn’t his first rodeo.

I agree with investing your time into you and yours.

Well done OP for seeing the light. 8 months and you're half moved in and mothering his kids??? Goodness gracious that escalated quickly didn't it? I've been dating a man for a year and he's met my kids on two occasions for less than four hours total. You would have been insane to move in.

Of course he was rebounding colossally. Grief or no grief, je's been very unpleasant, rude, abusive even and ungrateful as hell.

You are well out of it. Enjoy your child free break and for god's sake spend every minute doing things which give you pleasure and nothing which involves being an emotional punchbag and babysitter for a prize cock.

Op you sound great, kind and hard working and down to Earth.
So you’ve made some shit decisions sometimes? That’s the definition of being human. Me? I used to be a really fucked up drug addict, now I’m a naice respectable middle aged lady with a happy family!
Your ex( because he is ex, right?) is the sort of man who knows that if he says shitty things to you , you will crawl back for comfort because in your fucked up mind , you only deserve to be comforted by a shitbag. Don’t give him the pleasure.

Much support and power to you, keep coming back on for support. I wish i knew you irl, I know we’d get on.