When is time to give up ?

[littlebigtown]

I am just bloody fed up .

I'm 8 months into a relationship and just don't know what to do .
It's one of those relationships where everything seems stacked against us and I'm giving up trying to make sense of it all .

I'm not really looking for advice , just somewhere to vent about it all and just to know someone is listening .

The short story is that I'm 1 year after leaving my marriage , he's 1 year widowed .. chuck in a mix of kids , some little , some grown up , an ex wife(his first one) , my stbxh and whole host of other issues and me sat here now , crying in the garden .

Just remind me I'm not worthless

Oh god his poor children. You have to leave now before they get even more attached and have to suffer a second bereavement, especially the poor little baby, she'll be loving you like a mum so quickly.

You can't stay with him because he's a total arsehole.

I feel a little sick reading your posts. This man is bad, bad news. Every sentence you post absolutely screams it but you can’t see it because you’re just doubting and second-guessing yourself.

It is not even remotely close to normal to expect a new partner to chip in for household expenses when they come to stay. They’re your guest! By all means split the cost of groceries, takeaways etc, maybe go halves on a new piece of furniture that you buy with a view to some day living together... but to expect them to contribute to the running costs of your home?! Nope, nope nope.

And expecting you to parent his children while he goes to the pub... that’s awful.

He is completely using you. Please don’t put up with this!

You couldn't pay me enough money to ever do toddler care again, and he's trying to get you to pay for the privilege. Seriously, don't even just back off from this, he's adding nothing to your life that's positive. The swanning off to the pub and leaving his kid when you didn't hand him more money should be a final straw. He's a wanker. Get rid.

Be selfish for your own self ... leave extra baggage.. travel light ..

Also there's a certain type of man who uses his kids to hook women in - he has escalated your closeness /responsibility with his children, knowing that will make it harder for you to leave as you will feel bad about breaking off your relationship with them. This means he can treat you poorly sooner - which is exactly what he is doing.

And regardless of if his wife was the OW - that means he cheated on his first wife! Hardly a Prince, is he?

Get shot of this one, OP. I think you'll suddenly feel like a weight has been lifted.

When my Mum died when we were 7. 10, 14, 16 my Dad got a house keeper. This is what he needs. But the thing is that's a paid position. He wants you to pay for the privilege. Mmmm I think not.

At the very least I'd tell him you want time out to reassess the situation. Today.

Clearly he is not a nice man and is using you, but OP what on earth were you thinking getting involved with those children months after they'd lost their mother? You don't want a medal? You shouldn't be anywhere near them! It sounds like you found it gratifying to be "needed" and, like their father, gave their needs and emotions no thought all.

@littlebigtown I am also with a widower and I completely get what you're saying about the ex wife my DHs wife was lovely from all accounts - a paragon- kind, caring, better looking than me etc etc. I was also widowed but I'd have left him if he'd not became ill, so our circumstances were different to start with. I know how in this situation you can lose sight of yourself by continually living in her shadow. I tell myself that I am not her I am me and if people don't like me for me then too bad, because I'm not her and I'm not even going to try to be her.

I now feel like I'm his wife in my own right although I often felt like I was the replacement and that I'd got to be like her. At no point has my now DH ever expected me to be a housekeeper cum childminder or to pay for the pleasure of doing it. I am a step mum to his three adult children and granny to his grandchildren - I do it because I want to do it.
I recently overheard my DH telling someone who'd lost a partner that you don't forget that person but you move on - you don't replace them and you love your new partner in a different equally intense way.

When we were first together I'd spend several nights and weekends at his house and him at mine - never did he ask me to contribute financially or to do housework or childminding, nor me him, although we bought each other meals and drinks etc When we eventually moved in together we decided on a sum of money that I would put into a joint account for bills and our joint spending eg holidays meals out etc

It sounds like he's exploiting your goodwill and and good nature and to expect you to pay towards his household and it's upkeep sounds like he's mean with money. Is all this worth it? Is it want you really want for yourself and is this want you want for your kids - for them to see you treated like a skivvy and expected to pay for the pleasure of it. To constantly live in the shadow of his deceased wife? Do some serious thinking. I wish you well

I'll take that

I was little lost after my separation, I'd been a wife and mum for so many years so when we spilt and my little ones went 50/50 I was left hanging with no identity with too much time alone .

Then I met him and we dated lovely for a few months before I even met the kids , I've slid into this roll with his kids and im not really sure how it's got to this .A combination of him letting me do it because I would and me being happy to have another baby on my hip I expect .

I am not unhappy doing what I do for kids , I feel very privileged to have them , they are lovely .

I'm unhappy at the expectation and the criticism when I don't do it the way xxxxx did it or at least the way he implys it without saying those exact words . It's absolutely heartbreaking for me to put my all into something and then to know he would rather it was someone else stood there .

I am very aware he is still grieving but that is not an excuse to be an arse to me .

I mean this kindly, time to stop looking after others and look after yourself

I think you should go home now, and spend the time you have without your own children without his.

Are you concerned he doesn't have any childcare lined up without you?

the bad bits are really bad

You know it's bad, you know this situation isn't good for you at all. To me, all I can think about is the book Rebecca!

You shouldn't be paying him (which you must be as he says it's not enough), he should be paying you for childcare!

You say you have nobody to talk to IRL, how about your adult daughter? You said she had reservations at first, why not tell her about yours now? No doubt she will understand having her own family.

Are you still at his house now?

I really feel for you. It sounds like you have a massive heart. At the same time though you sound a little down trodden. You need to know your worth and be with someone who sees it & appreciates it. Not someone who abuses & takes advantage. Regardless of what your partner has been through in terms of bereavement it doesn't give him carte blanche to take advantage of your good nature & kindness.

Hi Op
It's terrible what's happened to him, losing his wife and coping with everything. However, he should be getting support elsewhere, not relying/using you. He could get a cleaner and a nanny, and be taking you out on dates, slowly introducing you to his family. I can appreciate you wanting to support the children, and I think he is taking full advantage of your good nature. If I were you I would take a step back. Visit the children as a friend not a carer, and insist if he wants to stay in a relationship with you he will have to take some steps back to dating again.

You have grandchildren from the sounds of it, why not invest what you do in this arsehole's kids into them if you want 'a baby on your hip'? The bottom line is he's a user. No matter if you take a step back or date again, he's going to try to use you. He doesn't want to pay for a carer or a nanny, in fact, he was you to pay for these things. Tight users don't change.

You sound like an absolutely lovely person op but you really need to work on your self esteem. It seems that you seem to measure your worth depending on how useful you are to other people. You have your own kids to look after, he needs to sort out paid childcare and stop relying on you. I would go back to your house, have a break from him and have a good hard look about how happy you really are in this relationship

Why are you playing wifey? You’ve only been dating 8 months! Not even a year! You aren’t his wife! He should be wining and dining you right now not leaving you to watch his kids like an unpaid babysitter!!! Wow. Just wow. You really need to set some serious boundaries and do NOT put any money into his house. For God’s sakes. Go get some counselling to help you set some boundaries and go back to your own house and wait for him to actually date you properly!!!!

littlebigtown how are you doing?

Sorry for not checking in , I've just got discharged from hospital this teatime ,nothing too serious and physically I'm fine or will be quite soon . I was on the waiting list for an op and ended up getting a cancellation ( fell good with the kids away and I've had a lovely few days rest from the world !)

I almost believed him when he said he would look after me and quite honestly I had no one else so better the devil you know and all that .

We wasn't even off the hospital car park before he called me a prick and the journey back didn't get any better . It's escalated into a full blown row and I'm sat on a car park round the corner with my car packed and a weakening reserve just to go back .

I know what I should do but every bone In my body is screaming at me just to go back to his house, go to bed and wait for him to be in a better mood tomorrow.

I am a prick , I know I am

Drive to your own house.

Do you have any friends who would talk you out of going back?

No , they are all sick of wasting their breathe with me .

I'm going home -to my home , he just called and mocked me because he's got to deal with the kids ( his kids!)

I'm lost for words

OP, just go home and relax. Come on, you need to think about you. A chance to think about what you want to do next.

OK, block him on your phone and get yourself home safely.

If you go home I think you will get to see the real ugly him and hopefully he will just behave so badly there is no going back at all

You are clearly attached to the children and not this man. It’s his situation. You cannot feel guilty for walking away because they are not your family, they are a family you help with.

If you turn around and go back to him then you really do need some serious help (counselling) because where is not one good reason why you should

I’m so glad you are leaving. He’s horrible. Really. He’s completely using you. He doesn’t care about you, he just wants a housemaid he can shag.

Please spend some time alone and work on your self-esteem and think about what you want and what will make you happy.

Oh, and block that fuckers number.

Go home, switch off your phone and rest up. You deserve better than this.