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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When is time to give up ?

93 replies

littlebigtown · 12/08/2018 20:12

I am just bloody fed up .

I'm 8 months into a relationship and just don't know what to do .
It's one of those relationships where everything seems stacked against us and I'm giving up trying to make sense of it all .

I'm not really looking for advice , just somewhere to vent about it all and just to know someone is listening .

The short story is that I'm 1 year after leaving my marriage , he's 1 year widowed .. chuck in a mix of kids , some little , some grown up , an ex wife(his first one) , my stbxh and whole host of other issues and me sat here now , crying in the garden .

Just remind me I'm not worthless

OP posts:
PixelAteMe · 12/08/2018 23:13

Leave. He’s using you. He doesn’t sound nice at all, you’ll be much better off on your own.
You can read posts but not reply without him wanting to know what you’re doing? He sounds controlling.
Leave.

another20 · 12/08/2018 23:42

So his wife was only dead 4 months when you got together?

That sounds like a recipe for disaster.

You sound like an au pair.

I understand that you are compassionate to the bereavement but I would be listening (albeit with a pinch of salt) to the ex - more red flags there. Your gut is telling you he is milking this dreadful situation - listen to your gut.

LizzieSiddal · 13/08/2018 08:57

Thank you all so much , I could write a book on this one , I just feel a bit lost and with no one in real life to talk too it sometimes feels like I'm going mad with it all.

You’re going “mad” because your head knows this relationship is wrong, and you aren’t quite ready to accept that and take some action.

Keep talking here if you want to. That’s what MN is for.

HollowTalk · 13/08/2018 09:22

I think your instincts re his entitlement are absolutely right. I can't believe he went off to the pub, leaving you with his DC. And then to complain you don't do more... he's unbelievable.

Get out now before his child gets more attached to you.

another20 · 13/08/2018 09:25

Agree about the young child. Put this behind you now and just look at it as you doing some compassionate voluntary work for a young family in time of need. Don’t dwell on the twunt.

another20 · 13/08/2018 09:25

Look back on it..,,

AFistfulofDolores1 · 13/08/2018 10:50

Sometimes not-very-nice people are widowed too, OP.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/08/2018 11:05

Jeez OP - how did you end up here???
Please find your self-esteem.
Why the fuck are you putting up with this shite?
He's a user and you are letting him use you.
Everything you write, more red flags are flying.
Pack your stuff up. Get back to your lovely home and tell him to fuck off.
Then block, ignore and delete.

I'm glad writing things down is helping but please, stop doing this to yourself.
Did you have counselling when you split with your ExH?

I would also suggest you do the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid - SOON!!!!!!!!

Original poster
littlebigtown · 13/08/2018 11:58

I was nothing to do with his previous life in anyway shape or form , I didn't know him until I met him , there is 30 miles between us .I have been told by pretty much everyone he has introduced me too that she was fabulous and I have big boots to fill . That upsets me , why would anyone go on to the new girlfriend how great the last one was and then I feel guilty for feeling like that , I natter to the kids about her and make sure the baby says goodnight to her and She knows I'm not mummy , I feel I'm doing a bloody good job considering , especially as I read on here about how other 'step mums' don't always get involved .

It was 6 months after she died we met , I know it was early on for him but I took the thought of if he feels ready for a new relationship then that's upto him , who knows what anyone would feel like doing or not doing in that position. I was just out a marriage myself but that had been falling apart for years , it was a no drama separation so I felt ready too .

I don't expect a medal for anything I do and I enjoy looking after the kids (I have a big family , some of who foster so it's kinda second nature just to be kind and loving to children regardless of who they belong too ) I just want to feel like my contribution is noted and appreciated not taken For granted .

My kids are away for the next few weeks with their dad so I feel I've got some time to reflect on what I actually want and what I get from this . It's the first time I've actually had 2 full weeks off from parenthood in over 21 years and I think it that that has made me wonder what the hell am I doing .

That and he has been such an arse this weekend Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
littlebigtown · 13/08/2018 12:32

And the irritating thing is I know I'm a much better 'wife' to him than I was to my actual husband , I recognised my own downfalls and have worked hard on making myself a better person .

He's took my weakness for kindness and totally took the piss hasn't he ?

OP posts:
TeacupTattoo · 13/08/2018 12:55

Yes he has taken the piss big time!!!!

TeacupTattoo · 13/08/2018 12:58

You really really need to realise he is using you as a substitute. I would not dream of arguing with my husband then expecting him to look after the step kids whilst I go to the pub! I'm outraged on your behalf tbh. Of course it's awful what had previously happened to him and his children but do you feel valued? Appreciated? Cared for?

SendintheArdwolves · 13/08/2018 13:13

You are not at all worthless, OP. You sound warm and thoughtful and smart and perceptive and generous. You sound like you have good instincts and right now, they are screaming at you that this isn't OK.

This guy is a twunt - he leaves you to look after his kids while he goes to the pub "because that's what he'd do if you were their mother"?? A) you're not their mother, you're his girlfriend and b) even if you were their mother, that isn't a reason for him to treat you like a babysitter and go to the pub whenever he feels like it.

And fwiw, my current partner was bereaved before we got together. And he has never, ever made me feel that I "have a lot to live up to" or "big shoes to fill" (even though his previous partner was an amazing woman and I certainly have my moments of feeling intimidated). He has always made me feel that I am me, and I am not in competition with the love he has for her.

Mousetolioness · 13/08/2018 13:36

Ugh. Sounds like he sings the praises of his deceased wife in order to make you up your game. He's not a keeper, and he's not your keeper either. Leaving you to look after his responsibilities while he goes out to the pub?? Agree with PP your position sounds more like an au pair role. Plus extra benefits for him assured. And he wants you to pay more for the privilege... Maybe the deceased wife was a saint - you however don't have to be a sucker.

category12 · 13/08/2018 13:45

I feel I'm doing a bloody good job considering , especially as I read on here about how other 'step mums' don't always get involved
But you shouldn't even be in the role of step mum at this point. It's far too soon, far too fast, and I don't understand how he as a father can do it to his dc. (Other than there is something wrong with him.)

You sound lovely, don't get me wrong.

Original poster
littlebigtown · 13/08/2018 13:52

She was a saint because she never pulled him up on anything . From what I know she was a very caring , completely devoted mummy and was quite happy to let him do whatever he wanted and never said a word to him .

On the other hand she was also knowingly the OW to his first wife so it does make me question how fabulous exactly she was .

Anyway , I don't want to pull her apart , I didn't know her and it's not my place to comment on her good and bads . I'm with it enough to know that no one will speak ill of the dead so I will only ever hear the best bits of her , rightly so ,

She isn't the problem , the problem is him .

I'm reading and re-reading all of your posts , it really is helping me , I'm trying to be kind to myself but I do feel a right knob just now !

OP posts:
category12 · 13/08/2018 13:57

Maybe she never challenged him cos he behaved like an utter asshole when she tried.

user1486956786 · 13/08/2018 14:06

I think best thing for you to do is just take a big step back.

For the first few months as you say everyone rallied around him, that would have died down and then you came along.

Regardless he needs to know and learn on his own how to be a full time single (but not single) dad.

Perhaps just go back to basics - don't always stay over, sometimes arrive after kids gone to bed, leave early.

I think it's pretty shocking he left you with his kids to go to the pub. That's not what a girlfriend is for, that's when his family members should step in and help.

LeftRightCentre · 13/08/2018 14:07

100% what VetonCall said. With bells on! He's a twat. He's using you. He's in no way ready for a relationship unless it's one of he, master, you servant. You really need to give your head a wobble - you're skivvying for him, taking care of his kids whilst he fucks off to the pub and you're paying for that?

He's not a keeper.

Please work on your self-esteem, men like this target people like you. He's a bullying arsehole.

LeftRightCentre · 13/08/2018 14:09

Regardless he needs to know and learn on his own how to be a full time single (but not single) dad.

He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and be alone. He's not relationship material at all.

LeftRightCentre · 13/08/2018 14:11

I think it's pretty shocking he left you with his kids to go to the pub. That's not what a girlfriend is for, that's when his family members should step in and help.

Actually, family members aren't there to step in and parent his child so he can go drink, either.

PolkaHots · 13/08/2018 14:16

Housework , nursery drops , bathing , dressing etc

You’re doing all that for HIS kids EIGHT MONTHS in?!!! Confused

Also, WTF is wrong with him that he would allow his child to get so close to a new woman so quick after their mother died? This show that his own convenience is more important to him than protecting the mental wellbeing of his children.

averythinline · 13/08/2018 14:18

omg - she was the OW as well so maybe not so perfect - sounds like he's someone who cant be on their own ...needs staff!
you are not worthless - just too nice please just leave it is too soon to moving in -
if you have 2 weeks free wtf with babysitting someone elses kids and paying for teh privalege Angry

  • find yourself a last minute holiday somewhere and chill out iwth a cocktail/cup of tea/brisk walk up the alps whatever you fancy.... or just sleep late and mainline netflix in peace.. (there was a thread teh otehr day about someone who went rafting in croatia when her 'partner' was taking teh piss)
LeftRightCentre · 13/08/2018 14:22

He thinks women are here to serve men, this is the type of person he is, and he throws a strop when they don't do his bidding. Took off to the pub, my arse!

Original poster
littlebigtown · 13/08/2018 14:29

Oh how Id love too just bugger off for 2 weeks but I only have 2 weeks off from the kids not from work and life in general .

I didn't notice how much I did until I stepped backed this weekend after he was going on at me . I'm not sure at what point I was just daddy's friend popping my head round to say hello to doing all the other stuff .

I just know I'm bloody fed up of it all

OP posts:
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