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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I make DH feel better?

96 replies

Fellow · 10/08/2018 18:52

DH is getting himself in a panic about having a baby. He's not worried about actually having the baby but all the other things that goes with it. He is really worried about how we will cope financially and on just one wage. But he's also terrified that something is going to happen to me. He's having nightmares about it. He opened up to me about this a few weeks ago and I shrugged it off. But he had another last night and it's really starting to affect him. Did anyone else feel this strongly? Did your DH feel this way and how do I support him to make him feel better?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 10/08/2018 21:20

Is he legitimately worried about your finances? Maybe you could sit with him and make a plan about it if you haven't already. Did he want to have a baby?

Bekabeech · 10/08/2018 21:30

If he is having full blown panic attacks then he needs professional help. Start this by getting him to see his GP. If he has a bad attack see if there is a local "safe place" and go there for help.

Original poster
Fellow · 10/08/2018 21:34

Thank you Shoxfordian, we have got what we can in order and I have tried to tell him that we will be fine. Our mortgage will be paid but there's nothing really left after bills. But I dont think that's that different from a lot of other families. The baby is something he has wanted for quite some time. I don't know of anyone men that are this worried. Normally I thought, they were more worried about nappies and sleepless nights, but those things don't bother him at all. I don't know what to say to calm his anxiety

OP posts:
JustHereForThePooStories · 10/08/2018 21:35

Are you pregnant?

Original poster
Fellow · 10/08/2018 21:36

He hasn't had an attack but is getting migraines and is having intense dreams about me dying during childbirth :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Fellow · 10/08/2018 21:36

Just 7 weeks

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMoose · 10/08/2018 21:37

Oh poor love.

Has he had anxiety & panic attacks before?

Original poster
Fellow · 10/08/2018 21:44

No nothing. He's not a very emotional person. His dreams are always the same. And it's not just I die, he then has to take baby home and puts a picture of me up and talks to the baby about me every night. It's really full on! I don't know what to say to him

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 10/08/2018 21:45

Why would you be on one wage, maternity leave?

Suggest that once he's had a little more time for the initial adjustment to your pregnancy, if the intrusive thoughts continue and he feels anxious or low a lot he seeks help for his mental health. You can provide support and care but not the help he needs if this is or becomes a MH issue.

Original poster
Fellow · 10/08/2018 21:52

I think maybe I've put to much pressure on him. He knows I do not want to go back to work. I want to stay at home. I have set a little money aside to cover my half of the bills and that's with the help of maternity leave for the first year so we are ok for that. I know talking to him about going to the doctors will go down like a lead balloon

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 11/08/2018 06:28

Perhaps he feels powerless as you have told him you will be staying home and he has no say in that. This needs to be a joint decision . When baby arrives you may not even want to stay home.
What are his family like? Are they anxious types? Have they financial worries that he would have had around him growing up?

Passmeabrew · 11/08/2018 06:53

Why not agree to make a decision about being a sahm nearer the time. See how you both feel once baby is here. In the meantime why not act as though you do have only one wage for the rest of your pregnancy? Every month transfer your wages to a savings account and see how life is with one wage. If you cant manage - at least you know and can plan accordingly and you have access to your wages still if needed. If you can manage, DH might feel more secure and you have the added bonus of more savings to cushion you once baby is here for the inevitable costs that come up at some point.
If its possible for you I highly tecomnend going back part time. The stress of only having one wage coming in can be a lot of pressure and its reassuring knoeing you can increase hours if ever needed. Plus keeps your hand in, CV up-to-date and pension contributions going!

springmachine · 11/08/2018 06:56

We had similar panics about money early on.

Maternity leave was tough but we just about scraped by.

I am so much happier (and he too) now I'm back to work, albeit part time, as we feel a lot better off and we aren't worrying how we will pay for fuel or bills like we were before.

rwalker · 11/08/2018 07:08

The pressure on being the sole earner is horrendous .It's an awful feeling knowing that the entire household relies on you feel trapped in your job and very pressured .

LizzieSiddal · 11/08/2018 07:14

I think maybe I've put to much pressure on him. He knows I do not want to go back to work.

I think you’ve hit the nail in the head there. As others have said that should be a joint descion, you can’t tell him he has to support your household on his own, until you decide you want to go back to work. That’s very unfair on him.

Thatsfuckingshit · 11/08/2018 07:19

Not going back to work is a joint decision and is one you should make nearer the time.

By telling him that at 7 weeks pregnant that you don't want to go back, you have told him that money is going to very tight and if you can't be a sahp, he is letting you down and all financial pressure is on him. Or at least that's what he is hearing.

Not everyone can be a sahp. Finances don't always make it possible. You are a team, you need to work together.

Loopytiles · 11/08/2018 07:26

He would not be at all U not to be willing to be sole breadwinner, as long as he does his fair share of domestic work and parenting. Inadviseable for him to be sole breadwinner if there are any questions about his health.

Loopytiles · 11/08/2018 07:27

The first year’s costs won’t be the problem, it’s the longer term loss of family income and negative impact on your earnings.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 11/08/2018 07:30

Trying asking him (as a pp said) how he’d feel about trying to live on only his wage (and save yours) for the next couple of months, then having another conversation about maternity leave etc then. Then during your maternity leave see how you feel and if you can afford to stay home after that. If you save any maternity pay, you’ll get a better idea of how much you need to cut back on to afford to be a SAHM. You have quite a bit of time to ‘trial run’ living on one wage.

His anxiety might not actually be about the money though, it’s just what seems obvious, but anxiety isn’t always that easy to get to the root of.

Original poster
Fellow · 11/08/2018 07:41

Thank you all for your advice. He has always known that I have wanted to be a sahp. But I do understand now how that's maybe making him feel. I can't go back to work part time in what I do now.
Having a practice run with money is a great idea! I think we will give that a try.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 11/08/2018 07:51

Fellow I think for his health and we’ll being you need to reassure your DH that if you cannot manage on one wage, you will go back to work in some capacity.

LizzieSiddal · 11/08/2018 07:54

Pressed too soon.

Hopefully you can manage and he will see that and stop worrying. But even if that is the case you shoil have contingency plans. What if your dh loses his job/starts to hate his job and wants to leave/ gets ill and can’t work? Only having one wage coming in is so much pressure on that person.
I know this as I was a SAHM for a while. It really was not good for my dh’s mental health.

Believeitornot · 11/08/2018 07:58

I think that, quite frankly, it isn’t fair on your dh to decide that you will not go back to work when it leaves you on the breadline.

He’s having serious mental anxiety over this and it’s putting him under massive strain.

I understand not wanting to go back to work but it has to be a joint decision and it needs to be affordable. Having nothing after bills - what about activities, holidays etc? Having a baby can be isolating and if you can’t afford things then that makes it harder.

So, just saying this gently, I think you need to readjust and think about going back to work. Even for a short period of time and move to part time work.

Believeitornot · 11/08/2018 08:03

I’ll add - I went back to work after both DCs. The second time around was harder because I returned earlier than I wanted to a job I hated doing.

The reason - because DH hated his job and had to take a pay cut to change direction.
I felt sad about it but I knew that I needed to help financially support our family and we couldn’t afford to live off a reduced wage. Nor would it be fair to expect DH to stay in the job which made him miserable.

Now, a few years down the line, DH has had a couple of promotions and I’ve changed my job (finally - I hated it for years!) and we can afford for me to take some time out.

Do you hate your job? Can you find a new one? Is this pregnancy a sort of escape from your current job (it was for mine!)

chestylarue52 · 11/08/2018 08:08

It’s not ok just to say ‘he knew I wanted to be a sahm’ so now that means I get to be no matter what the effect on him. You’re a team, you need to work it out together.