How do I make DH feel better?

[Fellow]

DH is getting himself in a panic about having a baby. He's not worried about actually having the baby but all the other things that goes with it. He is really worried about how we will cope financially and on just one wage. But he's also terrified that something is going to happen to me. He's having nightmares about it. He opened up to me about this a few weeks ago and I shrugged it off. But he had another last night and it's really starting to affect him. Did anyone else feel this strongly? Did your DH feel this way and how do I support him to make him feel better?

My husband has been reading "The expectant dad's handbook" by Dean Beaumont. Is really helped allay some of his concerns about things like this.

Like your husband his first concern was about money and providing for his family and he's talked a lot about how reassuring the book was for him.. He's finding it straight talking and informative without taking a laddish joking approach, which he has found irritating in other books.

You're being very unfair on your DH, no wonder he's feeling anxious! If you only have enough saved to manage for the first year then you're most likely not in a position to give up work. I would have dearly loved to be at home full time when my kids were little but our living expenses made it impossible I just had to go back to work. It was hard (emotionally and practically) but we just got on with it. I've noticed now my children are older that I enjoy working - thankfully - because the expense of having children just increases as they get older! If I'd taken time out when they were babies I wouldn't be in the position I am now, so in hindsight it was absolutely the right thing to do, thankfully.
You really need to look at your finances not just the first year OP but well into the future, to be sure that you can manage properly on one wage - not just survive, that's a horrible way to live. And you need to do this with your DH and be brutally honest about the circumstances.
Best of luck with your pregnancy!

He has always known that I have wanted to be a sahp

I think people are being unfair to OP saying this needs to be a joint decision. Looks like it already was. She made it clear that this is how she wanted to parent and her partner agreed. So OP has done nothing wrong. It’s just that the partner is panicking now that reality has hit.

If someone makes the decision to be a SAHP then I don’t think it’s right to tell them they “should” work. Same as it wouldn’t be right to tell a working mum she should be at home with her children. IF they cannot manage financially then yes that’s a different situation. But if (as it seems from the post) OP’s partner accepted she wanted to be a SAHM then she has gone ahead with a pregnancy on that basis, and now she’s being made to feel bad about it.

Have a plan. Start living within your budget now. My DH panicked about finances too but we cut our cloth accordingly and camped, bought second hand, made pack lunches for cheap days out at the park/walking and socialised on the cheap. Most of my friends lived the same way while their children were little. We all had enjoyed the early days.

You don’t need to make the final decision about work till the baby is part way through its first year.

I have been the sole breadwinner for ages now and let me tell you the fear is real and it is exhausting. DH is not well so can't help it but everything hinges on me being well and staying well and uninjured. The pressure is slowly eroding any pleasure I get from life and the first chance I get to change where we live, how we live and reduce our outgoings I am going to take it.

I don't think it is feasible that you don't go back to work if there is no money left after bills

You may need to discuss this further and figure out your finances.
It’s not enough to have just bills paid. How will you afford clothes and shoes for yourself and the baby? What if your car, fridge, cooker or boiler breakdown?

You might have always wanted to be a stay at home parent, he might have agreed with you, he may still believe that this is the ideal situation but it might not be possible for you at this stage. We can't always do things exactly as we want to, sometimes we have to adjust our plans.

You would be putting your family in a vulnerable position with only one wage that is only just covering your bills. You are putting yourself in a vulnerable position by giving up work and allowing yourself to become deskilled.

Reconsider and think about a sideways step to allow part time work if it is genuinely impossible in your current role.

It doesn't make sense for you not to go back to work if it leaves hardly any money left after bills

I think people are being unfair to OP saying this needs to be a joint decision. Looks like it already was. She made it clear that this is how she wanted to parent and her partner agreed. So OP has done nothing wrong.

Wanting to be a sahp, and being able to be a sahp is 2 different things.

So he waits until she’s pregnant to say that? Sorry but he should have spoken up sooner if he didn’t feel it was doable or would put too much pressure on him.

So he waits until she’s pregnant to say that? Sorry but he should have spoken up sooner if he didn’t feel it was doable or would put too much pressure on him.

So the OP didn't realise how tight money was before she got pregnant?

It takes two people to make a baby, he didn't get her pregnant on his own. The op is just as responsible for future finances, as much as her OH. As such, if they can't afford for her to be a sahp, they can't afford it. It doesn't mean she can say 'well tough.

OP informing her H that she wanted to be a SAHM doesn’t mean it was agreed that she would be, although agree with PPs that it would have been better to discuss options before ttc.

Almost all fathers and some mothers work FT. Leaving employment completely is only OK if both partners are 100% on board (even setting aside the important financial, career, relationship and health issues).

If OP’s H doesn’t wish to be sole earner and his and OP’s work both decline part time working requests then OP will need to return to work FT.

Yes and I said that if they really can’t afford it then that’s a different matter. What I’m saying is he should have considered the increased pressure on him before TTC. It’s equally unfair that he has presumably gone along with her being a sahm up until now, but then starts panicking once she is pregnant. A bit late then! Yes some people do need to return to work but equally plenty of people make it work by cutting back on other things.

Yes, they are equally at fault.

Although if the person (almost always the H in heterosexual relationships) who would be or is the sole earner changes their mind at any time then the other should seek to return to work. Providing the earner facilitates this.

One of the personal risks the person not earning takes is that it is usually much harder to get well paid, good WoH after a career break.

Obviously yes there are other issues/difficulties with OP not returning to work but it just seemed there was a sense of “well you need to go and get a job” in the responses to her and I felt this was unfair. I don’t think it is fair that one person gets to change their mind suddenly and the other person has to jump up and forget about what they wanted.

It was good advice from pp’s for them to start living on one wage from now. That will help a lot. I just don’t like to see women “pressurised” into working or not working. Both options are work, both options have merits and drawbacks. But her partner worrying about finances may be somewhat unnessecary in that yes things may be tight but still doable. I believe OP said she is fine for a year. So I think she should just enjoy that year of being a sahm and they can talk about it then as a couple.

I don’t think it is fair that one person gets to change their mind suddenly and the other person has to jump up and forget about what they wanted.

It doesn't say he agreed - and even if he did; it's easy to agree in principle. OP thinks they'll be fine for the first year but they'll be nothing left after bills. That may not meet his definition of fine - it's not mine!

It has to be a joint decision. I'm not pregnant yet and I don't have kids but sometimes I think I'd love to be a SAHM for a bit. I expect DP would quite like to, too. We'll have to go with what suits our way of living and what is affordable when we have kids.

It's the same for OP. I sympathise that she wanted to be, and may have planned to be, a SAHM - but it's crippling her DP to take all the mental load and that means the situation has changed. Even if she convinces him to carry on, if he has to go off sick because of the MH difficulties this could influence, they'll be surviving on sick pay... and presumably not making ends meet. It seems risky to put all eggs in one basket right now.

Thank you. The thing is it's I bought our house as I had the money at the time and paid 75% of our wedding because again I had the money when he didn't. And the "deal" was I worked my backside off to pay for all of that while he concentrated on paying his debt and then when the baby comes along I get to take the time out to enjoy it. Hear a lot of people saying we are a team and thank you storm4star, I feel like you get it. Of course I would go back to work if I had to but I did my part. Now it's his turn. And I'm not saying forever. Just for a couple of years

7 weeks is early days; he is still getting used to the idea.

But no matter what you previously agreed, it's not feasible to be a SAHP if you don't have enough money for everyone to live off.

Of course I would go back to work if I had to but I did my part. Now it's his turn. And I'm not saying forever. Just for a couple of years

I'm really sorry to say this; because I do think you've tried really hard to set this up and it does sound like you've contributed a lot to your relationship, but I don't think you get this call...

It doesn't sound like you can afford it. Make a back up plan. A proper one that you can both agree on; even if it's not what you wanted. Scope out how you can compromise now.

It's that; or find a way that you can survive if he's unable to work and you're unwilling too - just incase it happens and you don't have time to find a new job and start again. Would you get by on benefits and sick pay? Do you have enough savings or any family support?

But I'd go with the back up plan. Have an ideal solution to strive towards, with you being a SAHP, and a back up plan that is realistic and you can both stick too.

She made it clear that this is how she wanted to parent and her partner agreed

Did he agree?

The thing is, has he the means to just earn more money?

Paying 75% for a wedding isn’t really the same as funding a SAHM set up, it really isn’t. You said he had debt, how much? So he’s had to work to pay off his debt while you wanted an (I assume) expensive wedding. And now you want him to continue to work while you give up work “for a couple of years”, which will make things very tight....

I would do some sums and look at different options. You may prefer to be at home when they’re older eg at school.

Whatever "the deal" you sound a bit naive believing that you you'll manage because other people do.

For many the cost of living for many is increasing faster than wages so your dh being elected as sole provider for the family with this and any subsequent childern, when clearly his current income is insuffient to make this truly viable is bound to be massively stressful and I can fully understand his anxiety. He won't be wanting to fail your expectations for him to priovide for you all but given the situation you describe he knows there is a significant chance he will.

Alas life doesn't always (or even often) let us follow our plans exactly as we envisaged them.

It does really matter how much you put into the wedding or the house though. Not in real terms.

If you can barely survive on one wage, you can barely survive. Just saying 'well people do, isn't enough. It depends on where they live, how much they earn etc.

My house is run on one wage because I am a lone parent. But I bought the cheapest house that was lovable and earn a decent wage.

Did you really sit down and have a discussion where you said 'I will pay for most of the wedding and most of the house, but only if when the times comes I get to be a sahp' and he agreed. If you did, fair enough, he is probably just panicking. But both of you would have been better ttc once his wage was large enough to live on. Give him sometime to get used to the idea and then remind him of your agreement. But you have to bare in mind that plans don't always mean a guarantee. My best friend was a sahp, until her husband had an accident and will not be off work for at least 6 months. She managed to find a job before their savings ran out and is back at work. It's no one's fault. She is gutted to go back, but he can't work and ssp isn't enough for them to live on.

Circumstances can change everything. And you need to be prepared to change with them.

Your past higher financial investments/spending don’t mean you can iust SAH if he disagrees. He still wouldn’t be at all U not to be willing to be sole breadwinner.

You married him, and should you divorce there would be a financial settlement.

SAH, eg three years followed by a further X (uncertain number of years) on a lower salary / pension than you could otherwise have earned costs much, much more than a wedding or deposit on a home.