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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I make DH feel better?

96 replies

Fellow · 10/08/2018 18:52

DH is getting himself in a panic about having a baby. He's not worried about actually having the baby but all the other things that goes with it. He is really worried about how we will cope financially and on just one wage. But he's also terrified that something is going to happen to me. He's having nightmares about it. He opened up to me about this a few weeks ago and I shrugged it off. But he had another last night and it's really starting to affect him. Did anyone else feel this strongly? Did your DH feel this way and how do I support him to make him feel better?

OP posts:

Thatsfuckingshit · 11/08/2018 12:32

It should have said it doesn't really matter. At the beginning.

Let's flip this. You and dh agree you are going to be a sahp. After a year of it, you love your baby, but find you are desperate to return to work. Being at home isn't what you imagined and you don't enjoy it.

You tell your dh how You feel and he says 'no you aren't going to work, we agreed you would be a sahp. I don't want my child in childcare and if I had of known you would feel like this I wouldn't have had a baby with you. I am not giving up work so you can because that wasn't the agreement, you must be a sahp'

Time changes how we feel, circumstances do too. Agreeing something in principle can be very different to how you feel when it actually happens.

Original poster

Fellow · 11/08/2018 13:23

Thank you I will order the book :) Yep I said if I pay for all of this then you will pay for everything when we have a child. He agreed. The wedding cost more than what we wanted it to but I knew that would happen :) but it works out the same. I can't do my job part time and the full time is 50hpw. So I really don't want to go back. Of course if I had to, I would do something else. I just feel that's not ok for me

OP posts:

Original poster

Fellow · 11/08/2018 13:32

I totally understand that that happens. And until I have my own child I can't 100% know how I will feel being a SAHP. But I've been a full time nanny for almost 15years. I'm more then ready to have my own at home

OP posts:

MissTerryShopper · 11/08/2018 13:33

No full time job should be 50 hours. Unless its shifts and the days off are more than two. Anyway. How long have you worked there and have you looked into maternity pay? For a lot of places, to qualify for the higher maternity pay (as opposed to maternity allowance) you would need to go back to work for so long to keep that money.
Also, why not take a career break from work. It might help your DH in that you still have a job, even if you arent in it at the moment (even if you actually never go back)

ferrier · 11/08/2018 13:35

I'm with you op. Circumstances haven't really changed. You've paid for the wedding and the deposit on the house (which could easily have been 1+ years salary. Your dp has his job, presumably the same or maybe even better paid than when you had your original discussions. It's not really on to suddenly be moving the goalposts when you're 7 weeks pregnant.

However, I don't believe you said dp has moved the goalposts. It's other pp extrapolating from the anxiety issues.

From your description it sounds like the root cause is worry about what will happen if you die? Maybe you should address this. Work out what his options would be. Put plans in place to ease his worries on this score.

Of course, the issue is likely to be rather more complex than this and you do need to remain flexible and willing to adapt if necessary (which it sounds like you are). But I'd definitely be pursuing reducing the most direct cause of dp's anxiety first.

ferrier · 11/08/2018 13:39

And with your recent post may I also suggest that dp may be anxious about being able to look after your new baby. You are very clearly the 'expert'. Can you get him some parenting books or classes?

Also, it would be the easiest thing in the world, presumably, for you to do some childminding, should the need arise, so concerns about finances aren't really justified.

OliviaBenson · 11/08/2018 13:41

Yep I said if I pay for all of this then you will pay for everything when we have a child. He agreed.

But did this include you being a SAHP op or more of a general 'you'll pay then'? To be honest it doesn't sound like a proper discussion was had and now your are pregnant your DH has realised quite how much this will cost.

I think you are being very unrealistic and rather selfish.

If you are a nanny you can do part time hours surely?

Storm4star · 11/08/2018 13:47

Yes I think given the updates, OP is not unreasonable and people have taken his anxiety to mean that there’s very real/significant financial problems when there probably aren’t. OP clearly knows how to budget, it’s her DH that doesn’t. He needs to work on his anxiety. I think the book is a good idea. OP took the responsibility to pay for the wedding and house, allowing him to clear his debts. He’s had a damn good deal and now it’s time for him to step up. I agree with a pp, reassure him on finances, be supportive, but in what will probably be 50 years of working life, you want 2 years to be a sahp. That is not unreasonable.

Babymamamama · 11/08/2018 13:52

I think you should at least consider part time work. I've never understood the set up where one person solely has to support the family. My parents lived like this and I think my father very much resented my mother's stay at home stance. Particularly as it went on for decades.

Storm4star · 11/08/2018 14:02

She’s not asking for decades though. She’s asking for 2 years! Everyone’s making it sound like OP will never work again. She hasn’t said that at all. And, given her background is childcare, she isn’t going to have a problem finding work when she wants to, or needs to. Even if she does end up doing childminding. It’s time for her DH to make his contribution now.

Thatsfuckingshit · 11/08/2018 14:39

Looking after someone else child is very, very different to having your own. You say you understand that some people don't like being a sahp. But you have missed the point. The point being that things change you can't always hold someone to accou t for an agreement made a good while ago. If it's not ok for him to keep you as a sahp, if you changed your mind. It's not ok for you not to considers the wider circumstances while saying you will be a sahp.

To be fair, he probably will come round. It's probably just shock

Original poster

Fellow · 11/08/2018 15:02

Talking to him about putting something in place incase did die is a very good idea. We have great family on both sides so I think he could work and childcare would remain with family. To be honest that's something I would rather not think to much about. But he will never be on his own even if I was gone. His dreams are so detailed and started when TTC. I did ask him then if he would like to stop and we can wait but he didn't want to. He's actually the one that wanted to start trying for the baby and and I put it off until I could bring my outgoings down to what maternity pay would cover. I'm very money smart.

OP posts:

Believeitornot · 11/08/2018 16:50

You’ve said you’d have nothing after bills? That’s not really money smart - what about savings etc?

As a nanny you could actually work part time and take your dc - I know because my nanny did the same when she has her baby. You do have options but I suspect that this pregnancy is now the way out for you.

MoreProsecco · 11/08/2018 17:58

OP, can you not accept that your financial position is unworkable?

You seem determined to change his mind, instead of accepting that reality.

Lots of people have circumstances which change in life & they compromise/adapt as a couple. It requires a mature & pragmatic approach to negotiate all the unexpected situations that left brings. And being a team.

From your previous posts, it looks like you just decide things & get your way (bigger weddings, houses etc).

Unfortunately very few of us are in a position to be SAHM nowadays, and a mature response is needed in your circumstances.

Missingstreetlife · 11/08/2018 18:10

He should have some counselling. Yes, make wills and think about insurance, guardians etc, but he is having an extreme reaction to a natural concern

Loopytiles · 11/08/2018 18:15

It’s still early days, only 7 weeks pregnant, it may be he adjusts and his anxiety reduces in the coming weeks, but if it doesn’t and it is affecting him he should seek help.

There are lots of alternative options to (1) working 50 hour weeks and (2) SAH. If your H doesn’t wish you to SAH at all - many people don’t want to be sole earner (through choice), for any period of time - then even with the drip-fed info you’d be U to quit.

Storm4star · 11/08/2018 18:33

I think maybe that’s the thing, that many people have responded that couldn’t afford to be sahp’s themselves so don’t have any sympathy with OPs situation. Plenty of people manage to be sahp’s. Her DH needs to get a handle on his anxiety. It’s not her problem to fix by having to sacrifice something that was agreed on by both of them. She seems sensible enough to me that if they do need money, she will find work. Enjoy your maternity leave OP and I hope you’re DH sorts his anxiety out

Celledora · 11/08/2018 18:36

I feel for you both! DP developed anxiety during my pregnancy. I passed out on the way home after an egg collection procedure (so, just pre-pregnancy really!) and I think that’s when it all got a bit real. This previously very capable man who wanted children and was so engaged with the process (for us, annoyingly, IVF) felt powerless all of a sudden when the solid sort of person he cared about was vulnerable and reliant on him. I think it comes from having high (perhaps unrealistic) expectations around being in control and wanting to be the ‘protector’. All that’s sort of thrown out of the window with childbirth, isn’t it? He spoke to the doctor and had an anti-anxiety medication on hand if he needed it. He took up an endorphin releasing exercise that made him too knackered to think at the end of the day! He read and spoke about pregnancy/birth/etc as much as he could so he could feel prepared. We had those conversations, made financial plans and wills. It helped. Things still didn’t go to plan but the plans we made at least got us through pregnancy phase! Best of luck with everything x

MoreProsecco · 11/08/2018 18:43

@Stormstar: yes, plenty of people do decide to be SAHP's. Usually ones who can afford to eat. OP will have nothing to live off once bills are paid.

It's a perfectly reasonable choice if you can afford it, to be a SAHP.

Loopytiles · 11/08/2018 20:47

It’s not a reasonable choice in many circumstances, eg if - at any time - your partner isn’t on board.

Lunde · 12/08/2018 00:38

If you are a nanny then I understand the hours are long.

Would it be an option to set yourself up as a part time nwoc? There seems to be many people looking for before/afterschool care or holiday care, and you could take your child along. Would that be a compromise?

Original poster

Fellow · 12/08/2018 02:05

He's full of fucking shit! He cheated on me 3 months ago. That's what's wrong with him! I'm devastated. A complete mess I feel sick. I don't know what to do

OP posts:

Galaxyfarfaraway · 12/08/2018 02:48

So sorry to hear that. No wonder he has been stressed. I don't have many words of comfort other than agreeing with you that he's a shit.
Look after yourself and try and get some sleep for now. Decide what you want to do tomorrow. Xx

Galaxyfarfaraway · 12/08/2018 02:49

Someone wiser than me will be along with words of comfort but please look after yourself for today until you can get some real life support. Take care.

Original poster

Fellow · 12/08/2018 03:00

Thank you. I have work at 8 but just can't stop crying. I can't believe he did this to me.

OP posts:

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