Do I call off the wedding??

[Justonedayatatime11]

I'm so confused. I'm sorry if this is rambling, I just need to get it out. DP and I are due to get married early next year. All booked, paid for etc etc. DP is 15 years older than me, something he wasn't honest with me about right at the beginning but I was prepared to overlook that as he was/is genuinely amazing. Treats me incredibly well, DD adores him, he is pretty much perfect. Or was.
A month ago I found out that in Nov last year he'd been messaging someone else. No 'physical' cheating, but in my opinion it was emotional cheating, disrespectful and incredibly hurtful. I'm not the most confident of people and given that he's the last person in the world I'd have expected to do something like that, I was utterly blindsided.
I don't think he intentionally meant to hurt me so much, but he has and it can't be undone. For the record he is remorseful.
But it's changed how I see him. I know I love him, there's no doubt about that. But I feel as though I've gone into self preservation mode and I've completely shut down when it comes to him. I just can't look at him the same at the moment. I'd hoped time would improve this, but it's been a month and I'm still so wary of him. I feel rejected and hideous and overwhelmingly like I'm not good enough.
I don't know what to do.
I DO love him. He's not a bad person, far far from it. I can only put it down to a stupid middle aged man looking for an ego boost. I so desperately want to be able to get past this, but I just don't know how.

The more I think about the "treats me well" phrase the more it bothers me. It usually seems to be said by people who have been in bad relationships in the past and might therefore have lower standards when less of an arsehole comes along. A bit like "he's a good father" always = he does none of the grunt work but he plays with the kids for 30 mins a day.

For instance I would describe my abusive exH as treating me well or badly, like it was a choice he made. My DH though, I wouldn't describe him as "treating" me like anything. He is who he is, just a decent man who I enjoy being with. Likewise I don't "treat" him (or any of my previous partners) in a particular way, I just live my life as decently as I can.

Maybe I'm reading too much into off the cuff wording, I don't know. Just this situation seem to smack of someone desperate to airbrush out the shit bits because "at least he doesn't hit me" kind of thinking.

I agree, its the absolute minimum you would expect from a partner.

I was in a similar position to you OP, in that somebody I adored was caught messaging girls in the months running up to our wedding./ I went ahead with the wedding, but we separated two years later. NOt specifically because of those messages but because I now see that they were a symptom of something rotten in the relationship, that they were an alarm bell going off that I chose to ignore. Of course, I ignored them in the sense that I went ahead with the wedding, but I didn't forget them properly and they ate away at me, which in turn created more rot (in my mind). In the end I just couldn't get past it, and the trust was irreparably gone. I saw him in a different light, and saw that many things that he did which I always took to be innocent traits were possibly actually less benign than I thought. I may have been seeing shadows where there were none, but it was all just fucked. I'd have bene better postponing the wedding and seeing if we could work through it. The whole thing ended up a mess. It was the sorriest experience of my whole life and I wish every day I could have changed it.

The most convincing liars are the most dangerous ones. The fact that to you he appears to be someone so wonderful they would never do something like this is actually more worrying than if he had just been your average "warts and all" kinds guy.

No way should you be getting married next year. No frickin' way.

Stay with him, by all means. I expect you will, but I'd be extremely mistrustful. That's your brain trying to keep you safe, that is. Don't smother it. I'll say it again, the best liars are the most dangerous, because you'll never, ever know.

Sorry OP but he started your relationship with a lie. He doesn’t have a strong relationship with the truth. Can you carry on like this all your life? When the wedding dress is packed away, you’re left with other things that become increasingly important: does he respect me; can I trust him; are we a team? These all become much more important as time goes on.

Yes I would definitely call it off.
No question.

What would you say to your DD if she were ever in this situation?

It isn’t normal anyway to feel so down when you’re supposed to be at one of the happiest times in your life - and this is not your fault. I truly wonder if your partner is the one for you.

If he’s so great then why is your self esteem so low? It really doesn’t seem to add up if he’s such a wonderful person and you feel
so down - he can’t be that great a guy.

for going through a horrid time

Everyone is different how they deal with this, I would be able to get over it easily but others cannot. I think it is a bit of an ego boost for him when she replied about waiting for him, and she probably is beautiful but there are always going to be beautiful women about, she can't be that good or he would still be with her. I think if you love him like you say you do it will get easier as time goes on, but try not to be too hurt about it in the first place, he hasn't done anything wrong apart from tell another woman he knows she is beautiful (unless there is something I am missing) He is with you and your daughter because he loves you both, he is willing for you to look at his phone and stuff but I wouldn't do that I would just try to put it to bed now and get on with my life with my daughter and future DH.

Has he been married before op?

@RatRolyPoly absolutely spot on.

I was similar age to you when I met Ex, biological clock ticking and he seemed to adore me but I did have a gut instinct as almost too nice..brushed it off as finally I had met someone who I deserved.

After wedding he changed, mask dropped and nice was actually passive aggressive that turned aggressive. I wish I could describe the difference as it is shocking, but I never caught him lying beforehand, unlike you.

Your instinct is telling you this isn't right so please listen. If you have to ask about marrying him then the answer is No.

What are his finances like? Was he married before, any children? How long are you together?

A very similar experience to you lifebegins50, although mine's mask never dropped - he was perfect, absolutely perfect - until a tiny mistake on his part blew the whole thing out of the water and I realised our whole life together was a lie. He had been lying the whole time and he was so far from the person anyone could believe would have done it. Or even been capable. But there were little lies, or inconsistencies more like, early on. A bit like the OP's dp's age lie.

When someone gives you some insight that they're able to do things you wouldn't for a second have thought them capable of, you have to really wonder if you actually have any idea at all what they're capable of. Or if you ever would. It's a much more positive sign when someone's misdemeanors make some sort of sense, as fucked up as that is.

He has shown you that he can lie to your face no issue. yes, I'd leave.,

RatRolyPoly, do tell more how did it roll out for you... I suspect I am with a sociopath who pretends to be a great partner etc. but there are lies/inconsistencies which makes me think my relationship is fake.

To OP: I would postpone the wedding. Someone before said tell them it was a mix up or so, that's a good idea. Give yourself a couple of years to process and him to prove himself. If it is meant to be, you will marry him at a later date.

He has already checked out of your relationship emotionally. He is also a liar. Leave now before it gets more complicated.

@Justonedayatatime11 unless I missed it, I don't think you've said how long you've been together? Has it been a couple years or 5, etc? When did you find out his real age?

You shouldn't be having doubts this close to your wedding. I'd cancel, or put it off a few years. And decide whether him messaging women telling them they're beautiful is a deal breaker or not. I'd say he's unlikely to change though.

I think OP you are about to get married to a serial 'flirt'. Doesn't make him a bad or nasty person, I just think its in his nature and he likes the banter even if nothing else is on the cards. Now some women can laugh it off and live with this and some find it deeply hurtful. If you are in the camp that finds it deeply hurtful and don't just think 'silly old bugger' I think you shouldn't be getting married to this man because it will eat you up with snooping and distrust right from the off. I actually wouldn't have a big issue with the age thing, maybe he really liked you and thought you wouldn't be interested if he said how old he was. I would though have an issue with the texting flirty chit chat. I found a ton of very longing poems/songs stuffed in a drawer 19 months ago that were from 12 years previous (we had been married 9 years at the point he wrote them) They were clearly about someone who worked for us and he had a crush/infatuation on them unbeknown to me. he also then recorded these songs and sang and played on them and the Cds he made were in the drawer as well. I cannot tell you how hurtful that was. I was devastated. Like you, he was the least likely person I would have thought to do something like that. I have no idea if anything was going on or not over and above the crush in his head, he says not, but there was a lot of texting between them at the time which he made light of at the time. Like you, I find it hard to look at him/feel quite the same way and it does eat away at you somewhat. He is always saying to me I would marry you again in an instant and what is sad is I don't feel I can honestly say the same. I haven't left, it happened a long time ago and anyone can be a total dick and have a funny 5 minutes, but trust is very hard to build and yet can easily be lost in a heartbeat. Think carefully about this, if you think this is part of his normal personality , regardless of how sorry he is, don't rush into marriage and if you stay together make sure you get some independence in the mix as well. I didn't and at the time it was one of the reasons I didn't just tell him to go take a hike for sheer disrespect.

@oreoxoreo,

which makes me think my relationship is fake

This is very telling, so listen to this. I had a similar feeling and anyone who ends up with a disordered individual has the same response.
Statistics are not definate but sociopaths are more common than we think. If you then add in NPD the % chance of meeting a man with these traits is fairly high.

I allowed my "logical" brain to overrule my instincts because he really did seem lovely, although not perfect. I thought he was going to be steady/responsible and a possible downside could be he might be boring.
He was never open about his past relationships and stupidly I felt I didn't need to push.There was a lack of detail which is normally present when you know someone and you talk about previous experiences.
He also appeared to like the same things as me, so much so, it raised an alarm and I stopped volunteering my likes..he passed this test but I now know highly disordered intelligent individuals can anticipate your "likes" to mimic you.
Once finances were joint he never liked anything I did and he fought me on everything.

Relationships for him are not about love and mutuality but who is in control..he saw the pre marriage stage when he was obliging as a way to get control post marriage.

I was a very successful when we met and realise now he saw me as a good target.

It's only been a month, but you right to question this. I'd say you need couples counselling, then make your decision.

It would be a no for me. If you aren’t the absolute apple of his eye now, before you get married, then it can only get worse! This should be the loved up time! If you’d been married 15 years and had kids I’d say go to counselling and see if you can work through it but in this case, no. What happens in 5 years time, when married life gets boring and this woman messages him with an offer of a shag? He can’t be trusted to say no. He’s a liar. He has a pattern of lying. Bad bad thing. Cancel and spend your energy/time meeting somebody honest

This thing is, not being honest is part of his character. Doesn’t really matter what the ‘reasons’ for the dishonesty are, not telling the truth appears to always be an option with him. I can understand that you don’t want to see a pattern but that that doesn’t mean there isn’t one.

He lies for the same reason that most other people lie, not wanting to be challenged and him prioritising his need to be shady over your need for transparency, I very much doubt these are the first lies he’s told you and probably they won’t be the last.

I would never be able to trust my husband again if I found out he’d been flirting with someone behind my back. I don’t know why you’re trying to make this your problem when it’s him that has caused it.

Because I'm a fool who loves him so very very much.

It wasn’t “out of character” for him to have an emotional affair. It was completely consistent with his behaviour at the beginning of the relationship when he lied about his age. He’s a liar, he was then, he is now and he always will be.

I think he has convinced you that he is perfect / wonderful / whatever and he’s managed to do that because you want to be convinced.

What’s your relationship history - how did previous partners treat you? What about your parents? I suspect your self esteem is low and your bar for relationships is set very low. Otherwise there’s no way you would still be considering marrying a man who began the relationship lying to you and has already been unfaithful at least once.

Call off the wedding. Do some soul searching about your self esteem and standards.

Because I'm a fool who loves him so very very much

No OP - it's not you that's the fool.

& you're thinking and processing this you're not burying your head in the sand, you're trying to find a resolution.

I've seen some pp's suggest counselling. If you go down that route don't go straight into couples counselling. Quietly have counselling on your own first. The couples counselling can be arranged later if you feel the need.

You should be happy and excited looking forward to your wedding. You're not, because he's shaken your trust.

You're young. Don't let anyone rush or pressure you into anything. Don't worry what people may think if you call off the wedding. Take time out.

You've the right to happiness and if you have to do some thinking about that then so be it, all else can wait

He could just be a flirt. Some people are cool with that, would you be?

I can't put up with flirts - they mess with people's feelings, not just their partners but the person they're flirting with, who might develop feelings for them and live in hope of "one day...." It's just too much craving/defining self by outside validation to me. All that angling to be noticed by others. I get bored then thats that.

We all know our limitations deep down. You know yours.