Do I call off the wedding??

[Justonedayatatime11]

I'm so confused. I'm sorry if this is rambling, I just need to get it out. DP and I are due to get married early next year. All booked, paid for etc etc. DP is 15 years older than me, something he wasn't honest with me about right at the beginning but I was prepared to overlook that as he was/is genuinely amazing. Treats me incredibly well, DD adores him, he is pretty much perfect. Or was.
A month ago I found out that in Nov last year he'd been messaging someone else. No 'physical' cheating, but in my opinion it was emotional cheating, disrespectful and incredibly hurtful. I'm not the most confident of people and given that he's the last person in the world I'd have expected to do something like that, I was utterly blindsided.
I don't think he intentionally meant to hurt me so much, but he has and it can't be undone. For the record he is remorseful.
But it's changed how I see him. I know I love him, there's no doubt about that. But I feel as though I've gone into self preservation mode and I've completely shut down when it comes to him. I just can't look at him the same at the moment. I'd hoped time would improve this, but it's been a month and I'm still so wary of him. I feel rejected and hideous and overwhelmingly like I'm not good enough.
I don't know what to do.
I DO love him. He's not a bad person, far far from it. I can only put it down to a stupid middle aged man looking for an ego boost. I so desperately want to be able to get past this, but I just don't know how.

I firmly believe that a person should not go ahead with a wedding if they are harbouring doubts about the future marriage.
Please think carefully OP. Take a bit of time away from him if you need to, to figure out what is truly best for you and your DD.
If you choose to stay with him, you are taking a massive gamble that he will continue with this behaviour (and worse) in the future. Can you live with that? Can you live with the doubts, the lack of trust, the knowledge that it will become that much harder to leave once you are married?
He’s remorseful now that you know what he’s done, but he clearly thought it was OK for him to treat you with such disrespect in the first place. I may be an old cynic, but I believe you and your DD deserve better.

'the nicest person you would ever meet is NOT someone who messages other people like that when he is engaged to someone else. I know nicer people than that who would not do that. I agree with ReevaDiva in this respect.

This is what you have found out. I am assuming that he didn't show you the messages? Why was he even asking if she was single? It should be of no consequence to him. The second message (if only that were true) suggests regret at being with you - how disloyal of him

Well, he's broken trust. You know about this woman, but how do you know she's the only one? She's the one you've found.

It's hard because your dd loves him too, so she'll be impacted.

I think I'd wait as long as possible before making any decisions and things will become clearer one way or another.

Thing is he thinks nothing of lying. He's proven that twice. The age thing isn't a big deal - how did he come clean? Did you find out or did he admit it?

He sounds like a smooth operator to me. He's charming and he says all the right things. His actions say otherwise.

As my MIL says after she's been taken in by yet another con artist: 'But he was so kind and polite!'. Yup.

My alarm bells really ring when someone says the person they have found is 'perfect'. No-one is perfect, and being treated 'amazingly well' can just mean treated nicely which is normal in relationships. Your child 'idolizes' him.

All this is rather worrying and makes you sound very naive. I think it's better to go in with your eyes open, warts and all and see the person for who they really are, as well as the person you love. Children do idolize people when they are little, but then they grow up into teenagers who see their parents as flawed and a bit crap- will your idolized husband (to be) be able to cope with that.

I am surprised, given he's met you and you are younger and presumably hotter than him that he's then looking back at previous romances. That doesn't bode very well and suggests he's not idolizing you nearly as much as you are him. I'd put the wedding on hold, go to counselling if you can (yourself or together) and try to reset the dynamic here.

Don't marry him when he's shown you that you're not his priority. He's been messaging another woman; what's to say he won't do it again or isn't doing it now? Find someone who actually wants to commit to you

I can only put it down to a stupid middle aged man looking for an ego boost but you are younger than him, why is his ego not boosted enough by you?!

He is openly disrespecting you Op.

Listen to what your gut is telling you .

In a word ... RUN 🏃‍♀️

You say that the wedding is all paid for - so does it make any difference if you cancel it today or in a month's time? Sometimes it can be difficult to make a decision if you feel that there's a deadline, so I'm wondering whether it would help you to take a month to really process how you're feeling and what you want to do. You could even write a letter to the venue explaining that you want to cancel (but don't send it and don't let DP find it) - and see how you feel when you've written it. How you feel when you've written it will tell you what you want to do.

When a person lies they take away your choice.

This is manipulative and controlling behaviour.

It shows lack of respect.

It shows entitled behaviour.

It does not bode well for an equal partnership.

OP - just to clarify - was there anything else, or more than those messages you cited.
Him asking if she was still single, her saying ‘waiting for you’ and him replying that she is beautiful?
And you said they’ve known each other before you met him?

So - let me understand. When they both were available - they could have, but didn’t get together.
Then he meets you and you are in a relationship.
He asks her how she is.

Am I missing something?

Unless there is more to the story - are you sure it’s not cold feet?

"Generally amazing" and saying how nice he is is a strange way to describe a man who's due to be married soon yet is messaging another woman to see if she's available to him.

Sleazy behaviour isn't amazing and nice.

He's a liar and a cheat. That's the bottom line there are no reasons and analysing that will change that. Your decision is whether you can live with this. Some women can, and do live with it You may be unable to from the sounds of things.

Your man's 15 years older than you yet hasn't grown up yet, and has no respect for women. That's a pretty big load to bear

I'd say you can do better than that but if you're invested in the relationship leaving him is easier said than done I suppose

I don't think you can marry him until you've worked through this tbh. You may find that within a few months you can forgive him, move on and all's good again. Likewise, you may find that the betrayal is too much for you and decide to end it. You don't need the pressure of getting married/wedding planning hanging over you at this time.

If it were me, I'd prefer to lose the money than marry someone who would betray me. The only thing you can do in this situation (if you're not planning to dump him) is to put the wedding on hold. Don't even think about weddings and marriage until you're 100% happy and secure in your relationship again (if that's even possible now).

For the record, i was with someone for 5 years who did something similar to me. I told him that if I ever caught him doing anything like that again then I would end it. He did it again but this time it wasn't just texting, he was actually sleeping with the person. I had no choice but to leave and tbh I wish I'd just left in the first place.

Can you delay the wedding. Tell friends and family there was a mix up and so you’re going to put it back two years. That way you can really test if this is what you want. I think he is showing you who he really is, but if you need more time to be certain to leave him/marry him, take it.

If it makes you feel better tell yourself you are postponing the wedding.

Rather than cancelling I mean.

Justonedayatatime11

Niceness is a choice, not a character trait.

If he is nice, why does he lie to you?
Why do you feel pressured to go ahead, despite your gut telling you something is off? Does he ever make unsolicited promises? Or make you feel beholden to him in small ways?

Well he's been a bit of a dick about the texts but I can't believe people are telling you to leave him over this !

From what you’ve written, it seems you put him on a pedestal and hero worshipped him and now you’ve realised that he isn’t perfect, you’ve plummeted back down to earth with a bump.
Are you looking for security, a father figure to take care of you and your daughter or an imperfect partner/best friend to share your life with?
My DH is 12 years older than me and at times, the age gap feels more noticeable, such as when he had cancer and aged about an extra 20 years during chemo. However, he is still my best friend and that’s what I want from a partner/husband.
What I’m trying to say (albeit badly) is now you realise he isn’t perfect (no-one is) are you willing to accept his flaws? It doesn’t matter what anyone on here thinks as only you can decide how much of a deal breaker this is.
If you’re struggling to get past this, imagine if he got sick and needed looking after, lost his job and you had to financially support all 3 of you for at least 6 months.
Would you be happy and willing to do this?
If you’re still unsure, don’t marry him.

I’ve had 2 (online) chats with exes in the last 10 years (instigated by the ex in each case).

One was a hi, how’re you doing, chatting about old mates type of thing.

The other was a clear legover attempt by someone who was getting divorced. I kept that conversation firmly around DH and DCs.

I didn’t mention either of these to my DH. He didn’t know them, the relationships were long before he and I got together, and I just didn’t think it was a big deal.

I’m now beginning to think I’ve broken some unwritten law. But I really do consider an (innocently worded) reply to a message from an ex to be a non-event. Do people really end otherwise good relationships for anything so trivial?

Calling off a wedding is cheaper than divorcing.

Figless, can you really not see the difference between a message to an ex enquiring after their good health and exchanging small talk, and a message which is full of flirty/ sexual come-ons ?

The former is of course not worth ending a relationship over, but the latter most certainly is. It is disrespectful and foul alleycat behaviour.

Imagine how you’d feel if he did this once married and how much more difficult it would be to untangle everything. Cancel, he’s telling you who he is, dump his lying ass.

I honestly would not break off a relationship over that message. unless there is more you haven't posted.

It sounds like kind of banter many people might have. It really could have been a jokey exchange.
If you do understands that you saw it in a different light and am upset and he has been open with phone and laptop etc then I think perhaps ending it is an over reaction.

Sorry type if your dp does understand

You are not ready to marry him. To some extent it really doesn't matter why you are not ready, the key thing is, whatever the reason listen to your feelings and don't get married yet.

Once you are married you are stuck for a year as you cannot divorce until you have been married a year. It is better to make an excuse and postpone now and give yourself a chance to work out what you do want.