Do I call off the wedding??

[Justonedayatatime11]

I'm so confused. I'm sorry if this is rambling, I just need to get it out. DP and I are due to get married early next year. All booked, paid for etc etc. DP is 15 years older than me, something he wasn't honest with me about right at the beginning but I was prepared to overlook that as he was/is genuinely amazing. Treats me incredibly well, DD adores him, he is pretty much perfect. Or was.
A month ago I found out that in Nov last year he'd been messaging someone else. No 'physical' cheating, but in my opinion it was emotional cheating, disrespectful and incredibly hurtful. I'm not the most confident of people and given that he's the last person in the world I'd have expected to do something like that, I was utterly blindsided.
I don't think he intentionally meant to hurt me so much, but he has and it can't be undone. For the record he is remorseful.
But it's changed how I see him. I know I love him, there's no doubt about that. But I feel as though I've gone into self preservation mode and I've completely shut down when it comes to him. I just can't look at him the same at the moment. I'd hoped time would improve this, but it's been a month and I'm still so wary of him. I feel rejected and hideous and overwhelmingly like I'm not good enough.
I don't know what to do.
I DO love him. He's not a bad person, far far from it. I can only put it down to a stupid middle aged man looking for an ego boost. I so desperately want to be able to get past this, but I just don't know how.

[JamAtkins]

I would. I couldn't be arsed with it. I can't marry up the genuinely amazing, nicest person ever, pretty much perfect description with the description of his actual behaviour. It makes him sound like he throws you enough bones to keep you loyal while carrying on with his single person life on the side and makes you feel like you are overreacting if you aren't cool with it. If you have to ask the question then you know the answer. Different, maybe, if joint finances and children but at this stage it looks like you are walking into a situation that will only get worse.

[AgathaF]

How long have you been together? How did you find out about the messages? Is there a chance there could be more indiscretions that you don't know about?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do not minimise or otherwise excuse what he has done here because if you had done this his reaction would be very different. He may well only be sorry because he has been found out. He felt entitled to do this and could, that is why he also did this.

Once trust has gone it rarely if ever returns properly. Its no reflection on you, he is the weak link here. What if you had not seen these messages, in all likelihood he would have carried on with such communications with her and perhaps other women too.

How did you find out he had knocked six years off his age?. Did he tell you outright or did you see his passport or some other documentation?. How long was it between that lie and you finding out the truth re his age?. Is this the sort of man you would want as a stepfather for your DD?.

[Xenadog]

OP, honestly? You have alarm bells ringing for a reason. I can understand your reluctance to call off the wedding but your feelings can’t be ignored.

I’d suggest you have a few sessions of counselling. I’d go private and get this underway ASAP. You say you lack confidence so maybe you need to spend some time learning what your worth is - it could help you be stronger when dealing with DP. In the meantime you don’t have to do anything. Give yourself a couple of months to sort your head out before making big decisions. In this time you don’t have to forgive him and move on though, you can sit back and watch what he does and even reflect on your own life.

People can urge you to leave him or to stay but ultimately the decision is yours and as you are uncertain I’d say take some time focusing on what you want and watching his behaviour before you make your decisions.

[Jupiter9]

Is he divorced?

[Viola82]

Do you even know him OP? The real him? What else he lied about? were there any other messages/women?
I think its a big deal, it shows you who he really might be..
If you're not planning kids why marry? You're still young you can find someone similar age to you, do you remember how it is to be with someone younger?

[Nquartz]

He's already shown he can lie and he has a wandering eye, that's not going to get better.

This with bells on. If he can do this when you are engaged he isn't going to stop when you're married.

[CoverMeLads]

You established early on that he was happy to lie about something fundamental. And I don’t agree that messaging/flirting with another woman isn’t black and white: he’s focussed on someone else while he’s in a relationship with you,

If that’s ok with you then marry him. The fact that you’re asking a load of strangers what to do suggests it isn’t. Trust your gut.

[zen1]

That’s two things he’s tried to keep from you and you’ve found out about. I would be wondering what else he’s harbouring and wouldn’t be able to trust him.

[ACatsNoHelpWithThat]

I don't know why people minimise emotional affairs/infidelity. A significant minority of people don't believe in sex before marriage. Does that mean they're not in a relationship even if they're engaged?

OP what you're seeing is a pattern of deceitful behaviour, first the lying about his age then messaging OW. plus whatever else you don't know about You're supposed to be enjoying the very best years of your relationship - what will he do when you have challenges such as your relationship being less shiny and new or your DD hitting those difficult teenage years?

Out of interest what is your dfinition of him treating you incredibly well?

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

I certainly think you should postpone the wedding and avoid getting too entangled financially. If that's already happened, then gently de tangle. You don't have to make a permanent decision yet - this has just happened and you are allowed to come to terms with it, or not, in your own time. Not his or because you have the pressure of a booked wedding.
Marriage is something you should only enter once you are absolutely sure, because it is very hard to get out of.

My experience has been that once a liar, always a liar.

[montenuit]

What's the rush to marry him?
Is the date set / things booked?
I'd just put things on hold for a bit, wait and see how this develops and a bit of counselling for yourself wouldn't be a bad idea.

[TheFaerieQueene]

I would suggest you stop lionising him and actually look at things more clearly. You call him the nicest person ever and your daughter idolises him. I’m sure the reality is different to the image you have created in your head. The nicest person ever wouldn’t message other women and I’m pretty sure your daughter views him well enough but you are exaggerating their relationship to fit with your narrative.
Once you stop applying superlatives to him and see the reality, I’m sure you will be able to make a more informed decision.

[LuluJakey1]

I think lying about his age and then this would make me not trust him. They are the same thing - a man trying to impress women with a sexual element ie he wanted you to have a relationship with him and was flirting with an ex behind your back. I wonder how often he has been deceitful in other relationships and if it is a pattern of his behaviour with women.

I would never trust him again but that is easy to say sitting outside the whole thing. You are clearly very uncertain. It is hard to end a relationship when you are so uncertain; it feels like a lot to throw away - a potential happy future. However, sometimes that is what we have to do where something like loss of trust is concerned. Would you ever have peace of mind with him?
If you told him now to move out and give you six months without seeing him to decide what you want, what would he do? Be alone and get on with work and friends and wait the six months or be contacting other women?

I think gut instincts are your way forward- what are they telling you about your future with him?

[ReevaDiva]

If he's the nicest person you know, you should definitely make new friends.

Seriously, he isn't that nice. He lied to you about a fundamental part of your relationship, and now he's lining up someone else.

Do not marry this guy!! You'll end up being his carer when he's 80 and you're only just retiring and ready to enjoy yourself. And for what? A lying shitbag? Fuck that.

[rainbowstardrops]

Only you know the full story here such as did he come clean about the age thing or did you find out, what his reaction has been regarding the message/messages and his behaviour towards you since.
He's clearly defined himself as deceitful but it's obviously up to you as to whether you can get past it all.

[mirialis]

How long have you been together?

At the moment it seems to me that CoverMe has it - your gut is telling you that this isn't right for you.

Married life has obstacles and hurdles and you have to be a team to face them, with total trust and support. If you don't feel that way before marriage, then don't enter into married life. I'm not even saying necessarily LTB but take a step back, postpone, get some counselling. At this stage your engagement should be easy and exciting - you shouldn't be feeling sick all the time and unable to look at the person you're planning to spend the rest of your life with.

[VladmirsPoutine]

If you marry him with this feeling of dread and disgust it will only multiply to become a million times worse. I gather he is not your daughter's father?

The whole 'nicest man I've met/ not a bad man' thing sounds like you trying to reason yourself into marriage.

Gut feelings exist for a reason. This might be one such moment your gut is telling you something that you need to take heed of.

[TatianaLarina]

I doubt this is a one off.

[diddl]

"I don't know why people minimise emotional affairs/infidelity."

Because they didn't end their marriages over it & want others to take the same path?

I'd walk away, Op.

[toomuchtooold]

Just postpone the wedding. He has behaved dishonestly, and you have a small child's feelings to consider, not just your own. If he's a good guy, he'll take it on the chin and wait for you. If he starts acting up, putting pressure on you to go through with the wedding, guilt tripping you about deposits/elderly parents/your DD etc, then you have your answer, he's an arsehole.

[Missingstreetlife]

It would take me longer than a month to get over that and I'd be quite clear about how upset I would be. Postponing wedding would give time to see if he is willing to work on your relationship & indicate you are serious that this behaviour is not on. If you just go ahead and bury your feelings he will think all is forgiven and you are a soft touch in future.
Relate may help?

[Myimaginarycathasfleas]

I certainly think you should postpone the wedding and avoid getting too entangled financially. If that's already happened, then gently de tangle. You don't have to make a permanent decision yet - this has just happened and you are allowed to come to terms with it, or not, in your own time. Not his or because you have the pressure of a booked wedding. Marriage is something you should only enter once you are absolutely sure, because it is very hard to get out of

this is very wise advice

You still sound very hurt, entirely the wrong frame of mind to be considering getting married.

Your response to Penguin34 worries me. You are focusing on posts that tell you it will all be OK because that’s how it turned out for them. It might for you, of course, but try to take a balanced view at this stage.

Honestly, the lies and ‘nicest guy in the world’ combo isn’t a good one.

[Sarahlou63]

Has he told you WHY he sent the messages? Without a full explanation of his thought processes I don't see how you (both) can resolve the issue.