Do I call off the wedding??

[Justonedayatatime11]

I'm so confused. I'm sorry if this is rambling, I just need to get it out. DP and I are due to get married early next year. All booked, paid for etc etc. DP is 15 years older than me, something he wasn't honest with me about right at the beginning but I was prepared to overlook that as he was/is genuinely amazing. Treats me incredibly well, DD adores him, he is pretty much perfect. Or was.
A month ago I found out that in Nov last year he'd been messaging someone else. No 'physical' cheating, but in my opinion it was emotional cheating, disrespectful and incredibly hurtful. I'm not the most confident of people and given that he's the last person in the world I'd have expected to do something like that, I was utterly blindsided.
I don't think he intentionally meant to hurt me so much, but he has and it can't be undone. For the record he is remorseful.
But it's changed how I see him. I know I love him, there's no doubt about that. But I feel as though I've gone into self preservation mode and I've completely shut down when it comes to him. I just can't look at him the same at the moment. I'd hoped time would improve this, but it's been a month and I'm still so wary of him. I feel rejected and hideous and overwhelmingly like I'm not good enough.
I don't know what to do.
I DO love him. He's not a bad person, far far from it. I can only put it down to a stupid middle aged man looking for an ego boost. I so desperately want to be able to get past this, but I just don't know how.

[Giraffe888]

My ex H sent some filthy messages 3 weeks after we got married. He didn’t physically cheat on me but quite a lot of ‘sexting’ just over 2 days. I tried my best to move on from it but I just couldn’t. The trust was gone and I knew I’d never get it back. We stayed together for 18 months and then I left him.
I tried my hardest to move on from it, especially as he hadn’t physically cheated but I just couldn’t. My heart goes out to you as it’s awful x

[inshockrightnow]

He's not the nice guy you desperately want to believe he is. I would not go ahead with it either. I'm sorry.

[BeUpStanding]

Don't marry him OP

[BeenThereDone]

Normally I think if you need to go to counselling before you have even got married then it's sign. But you might give it a go, you have nothing to lose by trying. You need to tell him exactly how you feel. How about postponing the wedding even until you are sure?

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Skip the divorce, don’t marry in the first place.

I agree with pps that say he sounds like a smooth operator. Getting along fantastically with your dc may be a manipulation to make it harder for you to keep your tolerances and boundaries in correct perspective.

Trust your gut. If you have to ask... No.

[Dowser]

He’s blind siding you...I was married to a cheat and a liar.
He would minimise his often dreadful behaviour so that I felt like a nag.
I’m now married to a lovely man who would never treat me badly

It’s a world of difference

Go and have some counselling on your own
You’re not feeling happy about this wedding and there’s a good reason for that.

It’s broken and he’s broken it...and will do it again

[Zofloraqueen27]

Best advice I can give you is WHEN IN DOUBT DON’T!

Our inner soul/instinct/gut feeling call it what you will sends us these little doubts and worries when things are not quite right and leaves us to make up our own minds. They are little warning shots to you.

Is your partner sorry he acted this way or sorry he was found out?

Listen to your inner thoughts telling you this situation is not right for you (and your dd).

If his behaviour did not worry you you would never have even thought of writing your post, surely this tells you this is wrong for you.

The rest of your life is just too valuable to throw away on someone who can treat you this way.

If you do not feel absolutely confident, safe and secure with this person now believe me the next 5, 10, 20 plus years won’t be fun.

Run and don’t look back - he has disrespected you by not caring for your feelings.

[bitheby]

Haven't read the full thread but this is ringing so many alarm bells. You sound like your self esteem has been totally ground down. Could you get some counselling to help you to see the value in yourself and realise you deserve much better?

I wonder whether this wonderful, nice man is really showing you the real him and now you've glimpsed a bit of it.

[bitheby]

Oh and I mean individual counselling. Time and space completely for YOU, not couples counselling.

[Doingreat]

Postpone the wedding. Observe your OH and HIS ACTIONS. Ignore his words. I bet you notice lots of other things about him and that can be helpful when making a decision.

You have a young child. Don't rush into marriage cos it's bloody hard to get out of.

[PickAChew]

Very late to 5he thread but I wouldn't be marrying someone who already had their head turned.

[confusedmomm]

Did he stop messaging her after that message?

[BunnyCarr]

Sounds like you are going to plough on with him regardless.
Good luck with that, you'll need it.
Expect your life to become very messy and exhausting.

[TeacupTattoo]

I'm sorry to say you love the idea of him, and have discovered the reality is very different. He has disrespected you and he has lied multiple times over serious things. Don't just settle, you deserve to be cherished and most men do not behave like this in a committed relationship. Don't downplay it. Don't be scared of being alone. If he truly loved you his behaviour would show it as he would value you above all else.

[bethy15]

I personally hear alarm bells ringing with him.

One, he lied about his age from the beginning, and by 15 years. It's quite strange in a man to be insecure about age like this and points to vanity on his part.

Two, you admit you're not the most confident of people, and say how perfect he seems, very charming etc. Your lack of confidence and self esteem can be easily preyed on by this type of a person. He clearly has a huge ego to knock 15 years off of his age.

I don't know. I would postpone the wedding and be on the look out for signs of emotional abuse/gas-lighting from him. I'm sorry to say that I have the feeling it could all get a lot worse as the years go on due to the dynamic you share.

[DentistWimp]

Has he been married before? How long have you been together? How old is your DD? These questions are relevant.

[littlebillie]

Leave

[trulybadlydeeply]

At the very least postpone things, OP, you have your doubts, and for good reason. I also would like to know if he has been married or in a ltr before, and if so to know why that ended (and not just his version of events). Also does he have any DC?

I was where you are now 12 years ago, and did not listen to my gut instinct. Consequently I am going through an extremely costly (both financially and emotionally) divorce.

If he truly loves you he will listen to your concerns, and be happy postpone the wedding and work to prove that he is committed to you, and worthy of your love. I suspect though, that he will tell you that you are blowing things out of proportion, and being daft.

[littlebillie]

I think you already have mentally you just need to get your strategy right and start a new life.

[tinkiiev]

If the wedding wasn't all planned, what would you do?

If he asked you to marry him tomorrow, would you say yes?

Don't marry him just because you feel bad about the "sunk cost" of having already planned the wedding etc. That stuff doesn't matter.

[GladAllOver]

The cost of the wedding doesn't count. You are already committed to that.
It's the cost and pain of a broken marriage that you can still avoid.

You need to be 100% sure of marriage before you do it. Even 95% isn't enough.

[spudlike1]

you say he is older than you .
how much do you know about his past life ?
and why previous relationships that he has had have not lasted

[Huskylover1]

Around 8 years ago I went through his phone and there were a couple of messages to a women, she said something about wanking and he said he would thinking of her

As in, he would wank, whilst thinking of her? How you got past that is beyond me Penguin

[Huskylover1]

mrd it was someone he'd been messaging before we met. He asked her if she was still single, she replied with 'no, I'm still waiting for you' to which he said 'if only that were true 😍😍 xxx

Was this it, or is there more? Who initiated contact?

[inshockrightnow]

I don't know how anyone could marry someone that has consistently lied and chatted with others in a sexual way. What would make you think a marriage ceremony would fundamentally change who a person is?

I hope the OP looks at the facts over the fantasy. This man is never going to allow a partner to have peace of mind. Why would anyone sign up to that?