Dating Thread 138: Hotter Than July

[CoverMeLads]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11.Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

@corvid, I've had very similar to you ! That feeling when you just think 'what am I doing here?' and every bone in your body just wants to go home!

I just put mine down to bad experience, deleted his number and moved on! Its just one night.

I'm quite liking OKcupid! Found 2 nice people who are local, like literally 5 minutes away which is rare! Will call them Mr Tall and Mr Beard. Mr Beard has suggested a coffee. Been approached by quite a few people in open relationships but to give them their due, they haven't hidden the fact.

Chatting to another, Mr Travel who seems to be away all the time in a high powered job so not sure that's going anywhere.

Morning people

Not much going on here, I bit the bullet and asked Mr VW out but we are both busy for the next 2 weeks (there will be a date soon though).

Struggling with POF, can’t find anyone on there that looks reasonable, Tinder is similar.

1moreRep - what have I learned? - great question, I was thinking about exactly that just now. Basically don't go anywhere outside London without a car :)

Also I think that it's fine to just call a halt any time. I think I was trying to be polite for too long and that's just flogging a dead horse because its not like it even worked and we're good friends now or anything. When it's not working, it's not working.

don't go anywhere outside London without a car

Ain't that the truth - you need a reliable train service/Uber available in case it goes pear-shaped.

I know a few women who have/would go through with things out of politeness but you really don't have to - you don't owe anyone anything.

Love congrats on setting up a date with Mr VW - hope it goes well!

I also found OKC 100x better than POF but all dates still coming off Bumble

yeahcorvid I agree with Margo, sex with strangers sometimes doesn't work. I had a v short relationship with a bloke who had issues reaching climax and in the end it was difficult. I developed muscles in my arm I never knew I had. I think it's quite a common problem.

Mr Northern is pushing me for date 3 but I really want to do date 1 with Mr NY to see if we really are as compatible as we seem to think. We are still talking every night for hours. But I am hesitant to think anything of it till we meet.

I also think he might be v short. I have always had big blokes (tall and on the larger side weight wise) and that is the body type that turns me on most so not sure how I'll relate to a short, thin bloke!

Men of the thread.... Can I ask you about the withdrawing thing you tend to do after you've got closer with someone?

I've heard about the man cave that you retreat to if you feel things are moving faster than you are able to process.

I've met a guy who has been totqlly different to any other dating experience I've ever had. There was the spark and the click. We met up and been on quite a few dates..... Things progressed and now I feel like he's retreated a bit.

I don't want to come across as needy and crazy (even though I feel like it at the moment).

Do I just leave him for a bit? We usually msg first thing and haven't today which is driving me nuts...... but just trying to get on with my day and not hassle him.

Help meeee x

I think the withdrawing thing is very specific to the individual Vixen and I can only speak from my perspective...

I am, if I'm honest with myself, somewhat afraid of getting too close to a woman, at least on the emotional level. For me, that largely comes from the thing with Miss I that some of you will remember at the beginning of the year - I've never been like that before, it was scarily out of character, it messed with my head to a degree and I don't want to go down that road again.

Thus, if I were to ever feel that pull again, I would start questioning my feelings but, more so, my judgement. For that reason I would want to back off and process, possibly even end things if it felt too uncomfortable.

If it was me, and I don't consider myself to be needy in any way, shape or form, I would probably want some reassurance that it is ok to feel what I feel but, more than that, the space is important.

I suspect us men process emotional stuff in a very different way to most women, i.e. I am very clear on what I feel but there is no way in hell I could verbalise that to another person without getting seriously tongue-tied and confused in how I am saying it.

I'd suggest you do message him but keep it light and let him dictate the frequency for a while. If you don't give him some space he may well withdraw further.

Hope that makes sense and hope it helps!

Thanks Kin that is so helpful. Yeah I'm working on giving him some space right now and letting him come forwards once he has had a bit of time to process.

We've had some pretty straightforward talks and he's told me things about his character which makes me think he is off to process all of this in his own way. He's told me that he really likes me - has surprised himself with how he feels open and able to talk to me as he said he usually is a bit of a closed book.

He's almost a year out of a 10yr marriage, which he left. And as new to dating scene as me - he said this is the first person he has dated where things felt different.

I have been so guarded all the way through because I've been ghosted twice and didn't want to go through it all again so really held back a lot.

Hes really taken the time to get to know me as well, which is another difference.

I think maybe he feels like it has all progressed a bit quick and he needs the time to think it through.

I am pumped full of oxytocin today and managing (so far) to not come across as bonkers.

For what it's worth - he instigated a lot of the messaging yesterday in the morning and afternoon but I get the feeling he may have freaked out a bit and is sitting in that cave beard stroking and digesting everything.

Going to just get on with my bank holiday weekend and have some fun. Thank you for the male perspective and insight & honesty too. It is very helpful.

has surprised himself with how he feels open and able to talk to me as he said he usually is a bit of a closed book.

That is a disconcerting feeling. I know!

Hes really taken the time to get to know me as well, which is another difference.

The connection is strong - that gets us questioning things.

I think maybe he feels like it has all progressed a bit quick and he needs the time to think it through.

Definitely!!!!

Thank you I feel so much better now...... Trusting in the process. My gut feeling is telling me that this is all going to be ok. Riding it out x

ooh mr banker is taking me for lunch!! so excited!

kin i want to thank you for the retreating explanation as that literally explained gym
guys behaviour- it literally rocked me to the core as i read people for a living and generally know genuine people from not and i knew he was falling for me- then he retreated - i askedwhy and he sstated he needed to focus on himself but continually texts me etc but only wants to meet at the gym or for coffee- yet i know how much he likes me

with mr gym we were inseparable for 2 weeks he told his family and friends about me and couldn't get enough and got scared!

so what's the way forward?

i mean dating others as i think it's important to discover if i want to be with someone like that- my head says no

mr banker seems genuine and lovely but apparently he's 5.8 - i'm. worried he's lied and he's tiny! i'm 5.6 and am wearing small heels

so what's the best course of action date others or will that ruin in

@Vixen I guess it depends on guy to guy and perhaps their age is a factor.

If I like someone I guess I'd love a woman to be all over me and even come across as needy. There's no better feeling in the world than feeling wanted and loved.

But I know I have been told that I'm not like other guys so take that with a pinch of salt.

so what's the way forward?

Key question first: what would you like to happen?

i want him to come to his senses and be in a ltr with me but i just don't think he's anywhere near that- plus he's the first person i dated since my ex so i may be transferring so old stuff

I think Kin is like our very own Matthew Hussey 😂🤣

In that case, have you expressed what you want to him? And I don't mean in a subtle, beating around the bush, please read between the lines kind of way but, rather, direct and to the point in a no chance of misunderstanding fashion?

Some men really aren't good at seeing the signs and need it spelling out to them.... especially if they are worried they have unreciprocated feelings for you.

Sure, they should be bold and just go for what they want, but who likes rejection, eh?

Date others for sure as you don't want to over invest but, at the same time, let him know you want more than coffee and a chat, albeit you want things to move slowly and at a pace he is happy with.

I think Kin is like our very own Matthew Hussey

Think Roy Chubby Brown and you'll be much closer to the truth

According to the "He's not that into you theory" he's not that into you.

The man cave theory would say he'll come out in time so don't stress.

This dating lark is confusing at times. :)

If I like someone I guess I'd love a woman to be all over me and even come across as needy.

If you're near London I could intro you to every woman I've ever rejected Rich.

@Kin LOL

I'm currently on Tottenham Court Road and live in SE London :)

Kin academic now as I’ve ditched it

But seedy because OKC seems so sex-focussed from the start. My USA friends swear by it as where to find the most creative types, but I just don’t want to know that much personal detail about a stranger, and definitely don’t want to make my sexual predilections public either.

I’m not a prude and I think I’ve said before that I’m not vanilla, either. I just like to discover things about people over time and find out about all that stuff a) when I’m actually certain I’m going to sleep with them and b) bit by bit.
I find “all the goods in the shop window” (as my Mum would have put it) really unattractive.

Aware that I’m just very old-fashioned. I’m still considering setting up Eighteenth Century Dating: no messaging, just lots of complicated bowing (men) and fan signals (women). Way more me

Cover I'll help you with EighteenthCenturyDating.com I learnt to curtsy and flick out a fan for a ballet show a million years ago - I'm sure that would come in handy!

I know what you mean and I don't think it is old-fashioned. I enjoy the stages of a seduction these days. I hate everything being out there wham, bam, thank you ma'am style. I want to slowly un-peel someone both mentally & physically and them me.