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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does anyone pity the OW...?

130 replies

Pixikitten0123 · 06/08/2018 17:39

I know I do 😜

OP posts:
AynRandTheObjectivist · 11/08/2018 07:55

Well obviously it's possible to hold both to account, because so many people do. But believing that Gemma is at least partly accountable for Jake's marriage to Gina doesn't make it true. Gemma might be an absolutely irredeemable cow who's never happy unless she's shagging someone else's husband, but ultimately these vows aren't hers, this commitment isn't hers, and she isn't responsible for them. Jake is, and nobody else.

It doesn't mean that Gemma isn't a shit, but it does mean that only Jake made a commitment.

There are all sorts of reasons why I think it's a terrible mistake to hold Gemma responsible for Jake's commitments (even if you are ALSO holding Jake responsible), and I won't go into them in detail here. I'll just say that when decisions are being made about a marriage, you simply cannot be factoring other people into it. Either you trust each other and your commitment to each other, or you don't.

Biologifemini · 11/08/2018 08:06

Yes it must be hard because you cannot let the honeymoon wear off. The OW always has to put out and be the manic pixie dream girl. If they have PMT and a headache and don’t feel like sex. Well then they are just the wife!!!

BeenthereandhavetheTshirt · 11/08/2018 08:10

ladamanera

In terms of demonising the other woman for liking him- both of you fell for the same shit from the same man at different times. Neither of you came off well.
So to a casual observer, if the first one in line is suggesting that longevity means a special love (when quite clearly it didn’t to him) and says the more recent person is “stupid” or “a whore” for falling for the same stuff you did, yes, that lack of selfawareness is ugly. It is.
The man did the misdeed, the woman is guilty only of gullibility or if she knew, lack of empathy for you. She may not have needed “low self esteem” to believe your husband when he told her he loved her. Did you?

This has to be one of THE most sensible statements I have ever read on here . Says it how it is . Some people just go OTT here - calling someone a sociopath because they have an affair ? I don't know what kind of fairy tail unicorn land some people live in on here . Life is messy and it's not black and white . I know of several OWs who have gone on to marry their affair partners and all is good. Sometimes shit happens and life is messy . Yes it is shit to find out that your partner has an OW - utterly heartbreaking but ultimately it is HE who is the biggest shit in all of it for not manning up .

ciderhouserules · 11/08/2018 08:22

Ayn - the Hmm face is because she thinks that a woman without a man, any man, is a nothing. She clung to her H by his ankles, as he left her (metaphorically). Then spent a few years desperately throwing herself into situations where she could meet a man, and then took on the married-with-kids handyman.

His relationship with his wife is his to maintain, of course, but she could have said no. She could have not played a part in the breakup of his family.

But no, she got 'a man' and she feels complete now.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 11/08/2018 09:52

Well, cider, I sure as hell pity HER.

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