Does anyone pity the OW...?

[Pixikitten0123]

I know I do 😜

both of you fell for the same shit from the same man at different times. Neither of you came off well

No. Absolutely not. I didn’t fall for a married man. Our relationship didn’t involve screwing over another person and three small children, including manipulating accounts to ensure that the ex wife was screwed out of a decent settlement. It didn’t involve game playing and lying and manipulation of family and friends. Of course, it was never perfect, and if it hadn’t been her it would have been someone else but goodness, the suggestion that I fell for the same man is incorrect. People change. Enormously.

Do you know I really worry about the future of humanity, there’s seems to be some pretty vile humans in the world

thenorthernsinner - am sick of that excuse. The partner chose to cheat but this need to absolve the OM and OW of any responsibility for the pain and hurt they cause is wrong.

They are culpable but in a different way.

Ex ruined our marriage - the other malignant shit that followed, the betrayal of my friends, the lies and infiltration into all aspects of my life were hers and hers alone.

I feel sorry that she is such a sad pathetic whore who has broken up 3 marriages, has 3 DCs who deserve better than to see what a skanky screaming, thieving bitch their mother is.

The partner chose to cheat but this need to absolve the OM and OW of any responsibility for the pain and hurt they cause is wrong.

But they are not responsible for someone else's marriage. They're just not.

Of course it's wrong to shag a married person and you shouldn't do it. But that doesn't mean they are actually responsible for the marriage.

the other malignant shit that followed, the betrayal of my friends, the lies and infiltration into all aspects of my life were hers and hers alone.

I'm not trivialising your pain for one second, but that sounds additional to the affair.

she is such a sad pathetic whore who has broken up 3 marriages

No. You cannot break up a marriage if it's not yours. You cannot break a promise you didn't make. You cannot break a commitment you didn't make. She sounds like a dirtbag but she did not break up the marriages. They weren't hers. The men who walked out of them did that.

While that is true, anyone entering into a relationship with someone they know is married and has kids if applicable is equally at fault. I cut them no slack, I think they are have low morals and I wouldn't even continue a friendship with someone who told me they were doing this.

Those who have no idea because they were lied to by the man are different but those who know full well deserve nothing IMO.

The two women who cheated with my partners at the time knew full well. And both moved on after it, got married, settled down and had kids.... Years later both are now single after horrible break ups. You bet I'm happy about karma getting them back in the end. I hope their bad karma continues.

If she didn’t know yes I would, my H met a woman, told her about me and the children and no doubt told her the usual about how shit it was living with me 🙄🙄🙄
I found out, messaged her, told her we were currently in the middle of moving house and he was spouting utter shit to get in her knickers..
She told me I was a fat, jealous bitch and I should but out of her ‘friendship’ with my husband..
I failed to find any sympathy for her after that.

While that is true, anyone entering into a relationship with someone they know is married and has kids if applicable is equally at fault.

But they're not. It's absolutely a shitty thing to do, definitely, but they are not equally at fault in terms of the marriage because the marriage is not their responsibility. You can't break a promise or commitment that you didn't make.

Years later both are now single after horrible break ups. You bet I'm happy about karma getting them back in the end. I hope their bad karma continues.

I don't see how this can make you happy, but I wouldn't blame you for it. It's a very human response.

It's not always about the commitment to the marriage but also being a decent person. A decent, moral person would not think that's ok.

Also in my case, one was my brother in laws long time, live in girlfriend at the time. She was known as aunty to the kids. So, yes, she is at fault equally for the break up of my family, brother in laws family and the family dynamic changes in general at that time for her part in it when she knew full details of our family.

The cheater is still very much at fault. But to say the other party, if they knew the situation completely, is not at fault at all is not how I see it nor will I ever. So I get what your saying, I just don't agree one bit. My anger will never go away for either party.

And yes, their life failures as they happen will always bring me great joy. I hope they continue to experience misery and heartache as long as they live. I will never feel bad for it. Maybe if they had been good people projecting good karma they wouldn't be in the situation they are now.

I do feel sorry for the kids though, being brought up by someone with low morals, not caring for anyone but themselves, is not a good environment and leaves them vulnerable to learning the same traits.

Yes I'm still bitter about it all, I probably always will be to some extent. I don't stew on it anymore, nor think about it much but when if I hear their lives have gone downhill it will always bring me some happiness in that they have brought any bad karma on themselves and they deserve every bit.

Of course it's not ok. But that doesn't mean someone else's commitment is your responsibility. It is immoral to shag a married person, but you can't lay the married person's own commitment at someone else's doorstep.

If the only reason a husband hasn't strayed is a lack of opportunity, the marriage is ruined anyway. Do you want to be married to someone who will shag someone else if only they let him, and is faithful only because nobody else will sleep with him?

Also in my case, one was my brother in laws long time, live in girlfriend at the time.

Your post isn't 100% clear but this reads to me as though it was the girlfriend who had the affair. So yes, she's responsible for her relationship. The man she cheated with was not.

As for the rest of it, I don't think you will find peace by living your life hoping for bad things to happen to someone, even a terrible person, and constantly watching them to see whether or not this will happen. When enough time has passed, the past really is a different country.

With that said, it's a very painful thing to experience so while I don't think it is helpful to you and I do think you should try to let go for your sake (nobody else's), I can very much understand why you'd feel that way.

Depends what you mean by OW.

I know someone who is an OW. She is pregnant by him. He hasnt left his wife. Wife knows about the baby and has forgiven him. Wife apparently cant have babies of her own. Truely horrific. The wife doesnt know that they've been carrying on. Wife has been told its stopped. She even has him around her three daughters.

I pity the OW because as is typical of her, she believes she has all the power and brazenly admits she will be using telling the wife as leverage to get what she wants.

The thing is, thats the only thing she has. If she ever actually tells his wife then hes got nothing else to lose anyway and a lot more money.

The wife from what i hear earns good money and her job is not dependant on him. Whereas the OW works for him and relies heavily on the men she is with for money. Hopefully she will find out and realise she is worth more. And the "powerful friends" she threatened people with will fuck her life up and leave her alone with nothing as she has burned bridges with almost everyone she couldve relied on. The wife shouldnt by rights need to rely on anyone due to her job etc. OW really isnt in the strong position she thinks shes in.

Shes also in for an incredibly tough delivery and recovery with three primary aged children in her care to get to school every day. She couldve had so much help but she is so vile to everyone shes really gonna be in for a shock when reality hits.

I dont pity "OW" who didnt know the situation. I have sympathy for them because theyre as much a victim as anyone whos been led along and lied to.

Your post isn't 100% clear but this reads to me as though it was the girlfriend who had the affair. So yes, she's responsible for her relationship. The man she cheated with was not.

The man was my husband at the time. Which is why I said they were both fully responsible for the damage they caused.

Anyway, I still blame both in every situation IF the other party knew they were married to begin with and still went ahead. Nothing will change my view on that.

hoping for bad things to happen to someone, even a terrible person, and constantly watching them to see whether or not this will happen

And I don't live life watching and waiting. I hear about these things through the grapevine and I am glad they have found misery. My life isn't taken up by wishing, watching and waiting. They're dead to me and the bad things I hear about confirm karma is very real and it does get people in the end.

It's satisfying to hear is all...

Nope. The two OW I have known are selfish, greedy, grasping gold-diggers.

Ayn - why are you so set on justifying that the OW or OM is not guilty in breaking up a relationship - people do not have to be married for this to be wrong.

My EX ruined our marriage - I have no issue with where the responsibility for this lies My views on that and his actions are for he and I to resolve.

In my case- her actions are her own. She is not innocent, she knew ( ex so called friend), she knew we were having a rough patch and she exploited it. She knew we were because as you do with friends you discuss stuff!

This whole not the OWs fault, this is a woman who has targeted 3 married men and I know she targets them. EX and she have now split up and she is moving in on number 4.

there is nothing innocent about behaviour like that and she is guilty of her actions.

My best friend is an OW. I do pity her. Her self esteem (which was already rock bottom from a previous abusive relationship) has been totally eroded and she is miserable most of the time.

She is a good, good person and a wonderful friend. I don't condone what she's doing but it's not helpful for me to be judgmental.

I hate, hate, hate the piece of shit that she is involved with.

He initially lied to her about the fact he was married, for quite some time.

why are you so set on justifying that the OW or OM is not guilty in breaking up a relationship

I'm not 'set on' anything. And I'm not justifying affairs by anyone.

All I am saying is that if your partner has betrayed you, I think it is a terrible mistake to hold someone else responsible. Which is what one is doing when one talks about an OW or OM 'exploiting', 'targeting' and so on. They might indeed be very sexually predatory but ultimately, if Jake made a commitment to Gina, then Gemma is not accountable for it, however much of a cow she might be.

I'm not saying it's not shitty to shag a married person. It absolutely is and you shouldn't do it. I'm just saying that it takes two to tango, and if only one person made a commitment elsewhere, only that person is responsible for that commitment.

With that said, it's completely understandable why a person would harbour resentment against an OM or OW. I don't think it's wise, but I do think it's human.

My SIL is an OW. Her Dh left her for a OW and she spent a few years without a man . She then took on a 'handyman' and lo and behold, she is now shagging him.

He is married, with 2 kids. She knows this. I have no idea how she can have done it. I imagine her self-esteem is SO LOW that the first man to look at her twice is 'hers'. SHe has no moral compass, and I have nothing to do with her.

Her Dh left her for a OW and she spent a few years without a man hmm

What's the 'hmm' face for?

I think it is a terrible mistake to hold someone else responsible.

I think many of us hole BOTH responsible. Not just the OW. I don't stand up for the husband saying poor thing must have been preyed upon. But it goes without saying that the husband is at fault.

If the OW knew the circumstances, she is also at fault for entering into it and that's how I see it. No amount of explanation over who made the vows and who owed who what will change my view. They are both people of low morals who I don't want to be near nor would I ever defend. Definitely not a mistake to blame both parties, I do it with full knowledge of the situation.

And if karma comes for them in the end, good, keep it coming because if they set out to cause misery for others it makes sense that misery finds them too. THAT they do deserve.

Now I kinda agree about the misery bit as it’s been heartbreakingly painful to watch my kids suffer. Any human that can enter into something knowingly like that which can upset kids has zero morals. You don’t hurt kids end of.

It's definitely possible to hold both parties responsible. I would assume there's usually plenty of anger and blame to go around.

Is the lying, cheating person a sack of crap? Yes-- but why should the wronged party be expected to pity the person who knowingly participated in the cheating?

All this about the OW/OM not being "responsible for the marriage"-- just excuses, and not convincing ones. Did they make a sacred vow? No, but a decent person should respect the fact that vows were taken. It's immoral to knowingly disrupt a marriage.

It's insulting to say that a woman who falls in love with a single, available man is no different from the woman who, knowing he is married and that his wife is being duped, allows herself to have a relationship with him anyway. That's not the same thing-- not at all.

Pixi, American, Too many - exactly what I have been trying to express but not so eloquently.

I loathe my EX, his actions , morals and fucking lame excuses to the DCS.

The woman he had an affair with - I loathe aswell, not for breaking up my marriage - EX did that - but all the other shit and her attempts to justify her actions.

My life at the time they had their affair was falling apart - my parent and sibling had cancer, chemo, radiotherapy, hospital appointments, my other parent being a complete selfish twunt, one of my DCS ill, trying to work, trying to eb there for EX - I was running on empty and rahter than supporting me, they chose to have an affair - both guilty, both fuckers - two families, 4 DCS and everything else destroyed because I was struggling and her DP had started a new job and was really working hard to take a massive step on the ladder t make a better life for his family.

Both fucking guilty and both I hate.

No situation is the same, so why did there needs to be a rule for who to pity???
Sometimes it could be the OW. Sometimes the W. And - all involved - in other situations.

There isn’t really anyone targeting anyone. No woman can decide to break a marriage if there isn’t a man who is looking for something outside of it. And if this particular woman hadn’t come alone - another one would have. The urge to look must be there and it comes from the man.
(Same applies for OM and a W)

I pity the OW. I suspect my ex told we we had broken up at least 6 months before we actually did.

I know for a fact that he cheated on his only other significant partner and has been lying about it since.

So... she's the third of three serious relationships and he's cheated in two of them. I don't think she knows that. It might all come out one day.

She married him, but, yeah, I pity her. She married a loser. I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't know what she was doing to our relationship. It's my ex who's the tosspot.