Does anyone pity the OW...?

[Pixikitten0123]

I know I do 😜

I can’t understand what it is you’re supposed to feel when someone you trusted has been cheating with another person.

Are we supposed to benignly smile through it? When kids and finances are involved and the world you invested in is torn apart the minute you found out - what exactly is the perfect response?

What is the ‘cool as fuck’ emotion the ideal woman is meant to feel??? Why is it always described as ‘bitterness’? OP doesn’t sound bitter anyway.

Because really, I don’t know many who’ve had to tolerate an OW and who’ve had at least the odd moment of bitterness!

Incidentally, the OW in my situation fascinates me in a weird way because he’s not happy at all and I just can’t fathom her motives.

They’re no better off than we were, he only took himself to that table and I’d got to a point where I wouldn’t take any more crap. So he buggered off sneakily to someone who would.

I’m not sure what I think - but she’d better always be good to DS because I’ll not be taking anything less as acceptable after the crap she added to his world.

'Bitterness' is a horrible word used to negate and demonise perfectly normal human pain.

I don't automatically judge affairs. I don't condone them but I do understand that they're not all the same and not everyone who has one is evil. It does depend on circumstances.

But I do automatically judge anyone who has an affair and then accuses the hurt parties of being 'bitter'. Own your actions and don't be so cruel and utterly stupid.

For many OWs they're just the fool who swallows the lies that they're going to leave, no longer sleep with their wife etc. But to swallow them they have to suspend all empathy for the family that could be broken up.

The OW whose relationship broke up my marriage had already been dumped by him. Her adoring pedestal became embarrassing to him but not before 9 months of betrayal. She was 20 years younger than XH but she went on to marry a man 30-40 years older. They are all in the same field but she moved on from my stupid XH to someone even more eminent in the field. Climbing gold digger. I'm sure she regrets none of it but I'm glad I sent those scarey emails!!!!

I know someone who was the other woman. She willingly shagged a bloke with a partner and new baby. After therapy she realised she did it because her self esteem was so low she was punishing herself because she hated herself. He was really abusive aswell. His ex took him back, unfortunately. He was a nasty piece of work.

Pity them?

No, not unless it was actually plausible that the married man was genuinely able to pose as single.

His is indeed the worse transgression, by a huge margin. But only an utterly shitty person is the active collaborator with a cheat.

Depends on the situation. In my situation no, she met me and knew she was getting involved with an engaged man. I have no pity for that.

I’m can honestly say that I’m not bitter in the slightest. For the record she was more than aware my stbxh was married with children. My sympathy does not lie with her in the slightest as she knew clearly what she was playing with. Unfortunately for her she won’t find out that he’s actually a functioning alcoholic until it’s too late, I could warn her how he manages and where to look for all his empties but I would come across as bitter and let’s face it she signed up for this with what she thinks are eyes wide open. I’m quite happy to sit back and watch ever thankful that she’s actually done me the biggest favour ever. I’m a great believer in what comes around goes around and there’s not one thing wrong with that. I believe that world can be a cruel place as it is without humans being cruel to other humans.
My main focus is now being the best possible mum and human 😀

Nope she made her bed - she can lay in it. Sociopath that she is.

'My' OW was someone I thought was a close friend. I still cannot fathom how she could shit on me so comprehensively. Pity? Not exactly, but I know I was utterly mistaken in her and that she is a dreadful person.

Not all OWs are manipulative friendship betrayers, though.

I think it’s a lot easier to judge from afar. It obviously isn’t ok, but life isn’t always black and white and it is easy to end up in a situation and think how on earth did I get here?

My brother had his head turned. He is married with 3 kids. A great wife and family. Some gym bunny who knew his set up still set about getting him

This is just vile. Your brother chose to cheat.

Totally agree Gendercritter. As I said, he had everything to lose, she had nothing, and he still made that choice. We are all reeling as a family.

For the one who asked- The reason people say it looks “bitter” is because to an outsider- while all hurt is understandable- its fucking awful to be cheated on, thats what you are. A normal person, hurt.
In terms of demoniaing the other woman for liking him- both of you fell for the same shit from the same man at different times. Neither of you came off well.
So to a casual observer, if the first one in line is suggesting that longevity means a special love (when quite clearly it didn’t to him) and says the more recent person is “stupid” or “a whore” for falling for the same stuff you did, yes, that lack of selfawareness is ugly. It is.
The man did the misdeed, the woman is guilty only of gullibility or if she knew, lack of empathy for you. She may not have needed “low self esteem” to believe your husband when he told her he loved her. Did you?

I don’t want to be harsh to someone hurting. But it’s just so LOW to fight this battle and will only make you sadder.
It DOES look delusional and “bitter” to just decide a stranger is everything you think is bad in a woman and it IS internalised misogyny to call a woman who likes your husband a whore-
just like it would be delusional and bitter for an OW to call a wife a golddigger clinging onto a dead relationship for the house- or frigid, or whatever. Those caracatures are beneath us all.

That’s why people call ugly cusses bitter. Because they are. Your husband’s other woman might be a virgin, or a sex worker, pr (shock horror) just like you. Concentrate on your marriage and what this says about the person you married. Comparisons to someone else will get you nowhere but misery.

I do now he’s done the same to her, years latter. I don’t know why I feel sorry for her. I’m a soft touch I suppose.

I pity his long term DP, he lied through his teeth that he was separated, even got his mates in on the act. What a dickhead.

In terms of demonising the other woman for liking him- both of you fell for the same shit from the same man at different times. Neither of you came off well. So to a casual observer, if the first one in line is suggesting that longevity means a special love (when quite clearly it didn’t to him) and says the more recent person is “stupid” or “a whore” for falling for the same stuff you did, yes, that lack of self awareness is ugly. It is. The man did the misdeed, the woman is guilty only of gullibility or if she knew, lack of empathy for you. She may not have needed “low self esteem” to believe your husband when he told her he loved her. Did you?

^^This

I pity that they have such low self esteem and morals that they would enter into a relationship with a married man. But that's it. The rest is on them.

To those who are, "casual observers", it might be nice for you to share your own experiences of being married, being cheated on, and not becoming "bitter". How "did you?" do it?

Ive been cheated on while engaged but not married. Just didnt decide to demonise the other woman to make myself feel better because saw that as a trap wherein there was a) a prize to be won b) a moral and deserving winner and c) an eevil villainess. There wasnt. There was a broken relationship with some moving parts- two of which were moving rather vigorously. And having had illicit (not cheating) sex myself before I knew how exciting the forbidden is and how the greater question was not “who is this devil incarnate who has No Morals (I tell there)” but “what happened, what does it mean for us, what was our marriage going to be for, are we both in this for similar reasons and where do we go from here” that were crucial. Deciding someone who fancied the man I fancied and making out like women have some higher moral code to be held against in something as important as finding a hot good man, not one of them. I dont want to sound flippant but I rrad this board a lot and I think sometimes new perspectives on each other could just liberate us from a lot of hurt that is coming from a construct being broken that was a bit of a straw man in the first place. You dont own him and there’s no legal term as “first dibs rights”. Not because the law is wrong but because you cant legislate for weakness or feelings to that extent.
There are certain things women used to do- like leading their faces to look younger, knitting at a hanging, drowning old ladies who like cats and herbs, and branding scarlet letters on other women, that while all “understandable” at the time, feel are a bit defunct as reactions to societal norms , to be honest.

Sorry for the typos and missing sentences-will try again

Ive been cheated on while engaged but not married. Just didn't decide to demonise the other woman to make myself feel better - not being holier than thou but because I saw that feeling as a trap wherein I was deciding there was a) a prize to be won b) a moral and deserving winner and c) an eevil villainess. There wasnt.
There was a broken relationship with three humans in and some moving parts- two of which were moving rather vigorously. And having had illicit (not cheating) sex myself before, I knew how exciting the forbidden is and how the greater question was not “who is this devil incarnate who has No Morals (I tell thee)” but “what happened, what does it mean for us, what was our marriage going to be for, are we both in this for similar reasons and where do we go from here” that were crucial.
Deciding someone who fancied the man I fancied was a spawn of satan- and making out like women have some high moral code to be held against where they are meant to sacrifice their own interest in something as important as being seduced by a hot good man who wants them- that’s just not one of the things I can honeatly say I believed about the world or can get cross about. I know my ex-fiancé was fantastic at seducing me. Why wouldn’t she like it too?
I dont want to sound flippant but I read this board a lot, so much “she’s a bitch” stuff and “he’s awful” until a woman falls out of love and then it’s all “go live your best life”. I think sometimes new perspectives on each other could just liberate us from a lot of hurt that is coming from a construct (marriage) being broken that was a bit of a straw man in the first place. You don't own him and there’s no legal term as “first dibs rights”. Not because the law is wrong about marriage but because you cant legislate for weakness or feelings to that extent. By all means see him as a shit if he has been a shit. But- as I’ve said before- also look at whether he could have left any other way without causing great devastation. Also ignore her- the OW is simply not something you have the information to analyse so why bother?
There are certain things women used to do- like leading their faces to look younger, knitting at a hanging, drowning old ladies who like cats and herbs, and branding scarlet letters on other women, that while all “understandable” at the time, feel are a bit defunct as reactions to societal norms , to be honest.

I posted earlier and have been reading the comments. It is interesting and I think each case will have its own scenario, but likewise, I actually think it depends on who "you are" as a person. I work with a woman who basically borderline thinks its cheating if someone flirts with someone else!

When I was cheated on and it wasn't a marriage or anything just a relationship and not even that long standing relationship, I actively hated the OW for months until I sort of got some clarity and realised I was being a bit childish and he wasn't worth it anyway.

Many years of experience later have taught me that there's all sorts of why's and wherefores that can lead to this sort of thing. I feel pity for anyone that get's hurt or caught up in these situations.

My ex would still be here if he hadn't of been caught. The OW was his boss at work. He was asked to leave and went straight to her house and told her he'd picked her. That's why three years after the fact we still havent met ad hes worried i may tell her. I need them to stay together as he's more stable so makes a better dad.

He's told the kids we are 'incompatible'. The kids think he's odd as he makes her hide in the car footwell etc. I make no public comment.

I was lucky though as I was told on the day I caught him she was looking forward to embracing our children as her own (she didnt have any) and she did three weeks later when she was introduced as their new mum.

My ex has taken no responsibilty for anything thats happened. He told the kids i made him leave so that's why they cant live with him. Hes told them he sees them as much as I allow, even though hes moved an hour and half away because the OW wont move nearer. He wont see them any more. Ive asked. I dont understand any parent who doesn't fight to see their kids as much as possible.

I blame this 100% on ex. I dont know what hes told ber. I dont care anymore. I was hurt, not bitter. Its funny how the cheating party is quick to throw the word bitter about but can never reflect on their own behaviour being the catslyst for so much hurt.

She knew he was married with kids, she knew me, i advised on her divorce (over the phone and for free). I dropped him off in a layby as they were driving to a work conference together. I laugh now that i dropped him off for their mucky weekend.

But I was married to him. I question her morals but i dont really give her much thought now other than making sure she is fair with the kids. If she isnt I'll become involved.

As it is she's the better parent when the kids are at their house. She makes a huge effort and they love her. For that I am truely grateful.

This was hard enough for the children without adding more drama. My eldest doesnt like her dad very much so she avoids speaking to him unless she has to. He believes its my influence. What he fails to see is the little contact she does have with him is down to hours of talking and explaining with her by me. Telling her her dad loves her etc. And now she will reluctantly but happily visit for the week in holidays. Before she refused to stay over night.

Again its a huge lack of self awareness. Ive never said a bad word against him to the kids since he left. If he cant see the consequences of his own behaviour he isnt going to be explaining to the OW 'actually the ex wife is an ok person' and telling her what an abusive partner he was.

Shes believing the same shit i did. As shes over 50 the trigger to his abuse (baby) will hopefully not happen. Hes a better dad every other weekend. All OW sees is the relaxed non child Ex.

@iadamanera...what an articulate and level, sensible post.

I agree! 👍🏻

The OW in my case was a work colleague who knew exactly what she was doing, knew I had a tiny baby and went ahead regardless. I did hate her but now, a year out and realising what an abusive, controlling arsehole ExP was, I'd like to buy her a drink. She did me a favour.