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Original poster

Dealbreaker or not?

80 replies

atacrossroads1990 · 06/08/2018 16:22

Name changed for this.

Have been with my partner for 6 months. Due to a previous relationship where I was cheated on constantly, I had major trust issues in the beginning. He was really understanding and I have grown to trust him. Or so I thought.

A couple of months ago I went away on holiday and he stayed at my house to look after the dogs. When I returned, I noticed that he had been using my iPad (not a problem) to watch ridiculous amounts of porn...

I ummed and ahhed about asking him about it, spoke to friends who said it was quite normal etc and therefore I didn't confront him about it. I was still hugely uncomfortable about it but tried to forget about it.

Fastforward a few weeks, I couldn't keep the secret in and it had started affecting our previously very healthy sex life. So I told him what I had found and I explained why I was so against him watching porn (I understand that a lot of men do this, and a lot of wives/girlfriends are ok with it however I am really not).

He was really understanding, seemed mortified that he had upset me, and promised that he would never watch it again.

I have been really ill over the last week, off work, and since last Monday he has been round my house looking after me and basically being wonderful. Last night he tried to initiate sex and I turned him down, explaining that I still felt awful and I hoped he didn't mind. He was a little bit huffy about it but in a jovial way, we went to sleep and everything was fine.

This afternoon I was looking at my iPad trying to find a previous holiday destination search for my mum and saw that he had been looking at porn on my iPad early last Wednesday morning whilst I was still asleep.

He has been completely wonderful all week with me, but I feel sickened that whilst I was laying in my bed asleep and ill, he snuck out of the room and used my iPad to watch porn knowing exactly how I feel about it.

It's not even so much about the porn this time (although that is still upsetting), it's the fact that he has lied and has been sneaking around behind my back.

I'm concerned that he has just completely disregarded my feelings surrounding it. I know I am going to have to confront him tonight about it but I really don't know where to go from here.

Any advice would be great.

OP posts:
Whatsnewwithyou · 06/08/2018 16:24

I would break up with him for being not bright enough to cover his tracks while watching porn on your iPad. I'm actually being serious. Watching porn I suppose I could deal with but being unintelligent is a deal breaker for me.

Nearlymothertofour · 06/08/2018 16:25

What is it about the porn watching you're so against?

MissConductUS · 06/08/2018 16:27

I think it's mostly a problem when it's a replacement for normal sex. If you're away or have turned him down for sex it's more understandable, to me anyway. I think trying to control your partner's sexual expression is a losing battle.

But how you feel is how you feel.

Justmuddlingalong · 06/08/2018 16:29

You already confronted him, making your thoughts on porn known. He made hollow promises and then did exactly the same thing again. Confronting him has made no difference. Confronting him again will make no difference. You have issues with trust and can't trust him, so ditch him.

DilianaDilemma · 06/08/2018 16:30

What @Whatsnewwithyou said. Horrible but true!

In all fairness, if it's a deal breaker for you, it's a deal breaker. There's no requirement to put up with an averaged out amount of things you don't think you can live with in a relationship.

Personally, my SO snooping around my browsing history would be a deal breaker for me. That's not to say you're in the wrong - it's your iPad. What I mean to say is: YOU decide what's a deal breaker for you, and it may not be what everyone else thinks of as one.

letsdolunch321 · 06/08/2018 16:32

Dump him, if he cannot respect that you asked him not to watch porn that is the end of the relationship.

Toofle · 06/08/2018 16:37

Possibly missing the point, but why don't you protect your devices with a passcode?

Original poster
atacrossroads1990 · 06/08/2018 16:41

Thank you for your replies.

I know what you mean about the covering tracks thing!! The guy friend that I confided in, these were his first words!

I just think it's disgusting and disrespectful to me. I do feel as though it is cheating. I know many, many people don't have this view but for me, I just really dislike it and it makes me feel sick to think that my partner enjoys looking at other women.

To be fair, I wasn't snooping around his browsing history - it was my history!! I was genuinely looking up something for my mum for a holiday we are looking at booking when I came across it.

It does have a passcode on it, but he knows it and I have been happy for him to use my iPad, I have nothing to hide.

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 06/08/2018 16:46

It’s really no big deal (IMO) watching porn. Most men do it. I do it (i’m female), me and my OH do it together.

But.... it is a big deal to you. You can’t control him. If he wants to watch it, that’s upto him, you’re not his mother.

If I was him, not sure i’d like you sneaking behind my back looking at my search history. Appreciate it’s your iPad, but you are checking up on him.

You’re obviously not comparable. Walk away.

DitchingTheDye · 06/08/2018 16:47

I don't get why everyone assumes watching porn is ok because "everyone does it". They don't and it is disrespectful and gross.

Catsick36 · 06/08/2018 16:51

If you don't like porn and he does you aren't right for each other. It's causing problems between you already. Find someone that feels the same way as you do about it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/08/2018 16:51

If it’s upsets you and you don’t want him to use it, ultimately I think you need to end the relationship. Whatever you tell him, the reality is that if he doesn’t have a moral problem with it or agree that it’s disrespectful to use it, he’s not going to stop using it. He might become more secretive about it but the urge will still be there with no values-based imperative to keep it in check. There are plenty of men who don’t use porn but those who do are unlikely to change.

I’m no advocate for porn and I think it results in a lot of problems surrounding sex for many users; but a comparison might be if he, for example, thought that meat and animal products were morally wrong and wanted you to stop using them. If you didn’t actually agree with him you might try for sake of maintaining the relationship, but would probably be tempted to eat meat at some point and probably wouldn’t feel guilty or disrespectful about it because you don’t share his belief that you’re doing a bad thing. Like that, his porn use is a value you’re not going to persuade him on.

Johnnyfinland · 06/08/2018 16:52

Porn is one thing (it doesn’t really bother some people but others it does) but the fact that you feel sick your partner might enjoy looking at other women... that’s over the top. People don’t stop finding others attractive just because they’re in a relationship! I think you need to work on your insecurities around that. But if the porn’s a dealbreaker, that’s for you to decide. He has been stupid leaving the evidence so easy to find

Juneonthewestcoast · 06/08/2018 16:58

I think him promising that he 'would never watch it again' is probably a bit unrealistic. It'd be tricky to find any man who never watches porn tbh. Personally it wouldn't bother me if it was every now and then (like a few times a year), though I think I would also feel uncomfortable if I found out they had been watching it at my house while I was asleep.

Only you know if it is a dealbreaker! Is there any acceptable limits? Is it all kinds of porn? Does it matter where and when he does it? If there is no compromise then perhaps it's not going to work, though it seems a shame if you are happy in other ways!

Juneonthewestcoast · 06/08/2018 17:02

It's also about where the line is drawn... there is lots of mainstream porn that is horrible and demeaning towards women, and there are lots of issues with the sex industry obviously, but there is also some stuff out there that is more acceptable for both men and women. Sexuality is a normal part of human nature though; most people will always be a little bit attracted to people they see on the street or on TV, it's about dealing with things in a respectful way.

Cricrichan · 06/08/2018 17:07

You'd be hard pushed to find a man who doesn't use porn. He's not replacing porn with sex with you and is loving and caring with you. I think you were unreasonable in expecting him not to use porn. However, if it bothers you that much then do what you need to do and good luck with finding a man who doesn't!

lovemyadorabledogs · 06/08/2018 17:08

I wish people would stop saying there's nothing wrong with porn as most people watch it.
Yes there is and no they don't. Ffs.

Cricrichan · 06/08/2018 17:09

He stayed at your house looking after your dogs whilst you were on holiday. He looked after you whilst you were ill. He seems like a lovely bloke.

thenorthernsinner · 06/08/2018 17:13

You think porn is cheating?

You were away and then you were ill, he wanted a release, watched porn to achieve a climax, job done.

Major overreaction. I think you need to work on your self esteem and then maybe you wouldn't see it as a major flag.

Anyonewhoknows · 06/08/2018 17:13

Porn is a deal breaker for me. So is lying. So is stupid. You have to decide on your own deal breakers, not what other peoples are. If you need help defining your personal boundaries then get neutral advice.
I remember a good friend of mine advising me to stay in an abusive marriage because it "seemed normal" to her and was what everyone else went through. It wasn't. I didn't. I think too much of men to stay with and settle for a disrespectful lying stupid one.

thenorthernsinner · 06/08/2018 17:16

Anyonewhoknows if you think most men don't watch porn then I think your a little naive. A lot of women I know, including me watch porn too.

ThunderInMyHeart · 06/08/2018 17:21

I third what Whatsnew said

Anyonewhoknows · 06/08/2018 17:22

It isn't about our opinion on porn. Its about the ops opinion. She is unhappy about it. Her bf lied about it. Why stay in that situation where your beliefs and opinions don't match? Especially if it leads to lying and hurt?

crispysausagerolls · 06/08/2018 17:28

What is it about the porn watching you're so against?

Completely irrelevant! I really can’t bear to see another thread disintergrate into an argument about if porn is fine or not. It’s SUBJECTIVE. OP doesn’t feel comfortable with her partner watching it. You don’t need to agree. End of discussion.

OP I would find it a dealbreaker because he has ignored your feelings AND he has been sneaky.

twilightsaga · 06/08/2018 17:52

You were unwell and he needed a release. He's an adult and he's allowed to view what he likes. If it's a deal breaker for you then you need to end it with him