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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dealbreaker or not?

80 replies

atacrossroads1990 · 06/08/2018 16:22

Name changed for this.

Have been with my partner for 6 months. Due to a previous relationship where I was cheated on constantly, I had major trust issues in the beginning. He was really understanding and I have grown to trust him. Or so I thought.

A couple of months ago I went away on holiday and he stayed at my house to look after the dogs. When I returned, I noticed that he had been using my iPad (not a problem) to watch ridiculous amounts of porn...

I ummed and ahhed about asking him about it, spoke to friends who said it was quite normal etc and therefore I didn't confront him about it. I was still hugely uncomfortable about it but tried to forget about it.

Fastforward a few weeks, I couldn't keep the secret in and it had started affecting our previously very healthy sex life. So I told him what I had found and I explained why I was so against him watching porn (I understand that a lot of men do this, and a lot of wives/girlfriends are ok with it however I am really not).

He was really understanding, seemed mortified that he had upset me, and promised that he would never watch it again.

I have been really ill over the last week, off work, and since last Monday he has been round my house looking after me and basically being wonderful. Last night he tried to initiate sex and I turned him down, explaining that I still felt awful and I hoped he didn't mind. He was a little bit huffy about it but in a jovial way, we went to sleep and everything was fine.

This afternoon I was looking at my iPad trying to find a previous holiday destination search for my mum and saw that he had been looking at porn on my iPad early last Wednesday morning whilst I was still asleep.

He has been completely wonderful all week with me, but I feel sickened that whilst I was laying in my bed asleep and ill, he snuck out of the room and used my iPad to watch porn knowing exactly how I feel about it.

It's not even so much about the porn this time (although that is still upsetting), it's the fact that he has lied and has been sneaking around behind my back.

I'm concerned that he has just completely disregarded my feelings surrounding it. I know I am going to have to confront him tonight about it but I really don't know where to go from here.

Any advice would be great.

OP posts:
userabcname · 06/08/2018 17:56

Well I wouldn't be overjoyed. Also I'd be pretty annoyed he left it so brazenly on my ipad! Why didn't he either delete the history or use his own phone/ tablet?! I know that's not really the point but kind of seems as though he is making a point of accessing it where you can see what he has done.

sophiec123 · 06/08/2018 18:02

Lots of men and women watch porn! I don't think this is a dealbreaker at all!

I see it this way: would I rather my partner watch porn or go out and find a girl? Porn..

These videos he is watching, he knows 0% of these people personally. He is attracted to their body briefly, he doesn't love them and isn't in a relationship with them. Most of the time they are actually envisioning that happening with you

Men will be straight up, if they weren't attracted to you, they wouldn't waste their time being with you. Get some self esteem and maybe watch a little porn (you might enjoy it)..

NotUmbongoUnchained · 06/08/2018 18:08

Yabu!

He was horny and needed an orgasm. You turned him down, he went and sorted himself out in private. I really can’t see the issue with that. I would’ve done the same.

fontofnoknowledge · 06/08/2018 18:14

Wether porn is fine or not Fine is completely irrelevant.
You don't need any reason for 'this isn't working for me' other than it isn't working for you. !

If I had met a man who I really liked/loved and was being treated as well as I expect to be treated and found that time with him enhanced my life - then he could get his rocks off watching a dogging grannies compilation box set if he felt the need. I would way up the balance of what he bought to my life and decide if his predilection really upset me. If it did then he would be gone.

He needs to go OP. This upsets you. That's all you need to know.

Btw. There are two types of men. Those who openly admit to watching porn and those smart enough to cover their tracks. Your DP isn't the latter.

Anyonewhoknows · 06/08/2018 18:21

Lots of men do hobbies that take them out of the house twice a week and half the weekend at the expense of their family. Lots of men think it is OK to sect newly single fb women from their past. Lots of men think it is OK to financially abuse their partners. Lots of men think it is OK to hit their partners. Lots of men think that because they are the main earner they can dictate. Lots of men actually see women as equals. Lots of men have daughters (and sons) and change their outlook on life when raising their children. Lots of men still think it is OK to on a bender every weekend and snort coke. Lots of men choose to be at work rather than go home and deal with family life. Lots of men do their best by their family. Lots of men don't lie. Lots of men don't deceive.
We can choose what man we share a bed with.

And for those saying about men (and women) who like porn. My biggest wake up call was when my marriage broke up (sad sap that I was I put it on fb) and suddenly loads of supposedly happy married men came out of the woodwork admitting they were looking for no strings fun, and they all said it was just a release for them Just Like Porn. Yep, your lovely men who in the community, at football, in the shops, at school, were oh so committed sent the filthiest photos and messages they could, as soon as they could. When I was at my most vulnerable. Men you would never suspect. Thankfully, a lot of men didn't. They were great. Not predators. They kept my faith in good men. Oh, and the predators weren't always the husbands you think it would be.
Op, you draw your own boundaries and you stick to them.

TresDesolee · 06/08/2018 18:28

Agree with almost everyone else. It’s a problem for you and he’s not going to stop. (Also, failing to delete browsing history the second time feels a bit passive-aggressive to me, unless he’s super-dumb.)

You don’t need our permission OP. If it really upsets you and you can’t bear it, tell him it’s over.

Just don’t try to make him promise to stop again, and don’t believe him if he promises to stop. He won’t, and sooner or later you’ll find out, and it will just hurt more. He is what he is, you are who you are, and it doesn’t sound as though you’re compatible.

yetmorecrap · 06/08/2018 18:36

I have the same issue OP except mine is far better at covering tracks but I still know. Thing is I’m not totally anti but in moderation and 5 times a week or so for me behind my back wasn’t ok, have had the chat now, so we will see

mogratpineapple · 06/08/2018 18:43

Are you prepared to feel like this for the rest of your life? Because he won't change. So in answer to your question - yes it's a dealbreaker.

Original poster
atacrossroads1990 · 07/08/2018 09:41

Thank you for all of your responses, including the very helpful "get some self esteem" Hmm.

I am just not OK with the whole porn thing. I get that a lot of women are, but I am just not. I am not willing to discuss or debate why I am not, I am just not.

So I confronted him. He has denied that it was him. Point blank denied. Kicking, screaming, crying denied it.

Which is completely ridiculous as I have the proof. So now we have a whole other problem on our hands.

Sigh.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 07/08/2018 09:43

So he's gaslighting you now too?

Original poster
atacrossroads1990 · 07/08/2018 09:47

He has sworn on everyone's life it was NOT him. Begged, pleaded, cried the lot. I told him to just admit it, as there was more chance of us sorting it out if he just admitted it but he point blank refuses to.

He has told me it must have been previous tabs that were open Hmm but this is complete rubbish. It's there in black and white!

Does anyone know if there is a way of seeing the exact time a site was accessed on safari? It seems to give a list of searches and websites and the day and the order they were accessed, but not the times.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 07/08/2018 09:51

I’m not aware of Safari catching specific time stamps - but look, don’t waste your time trying to prove that he’s lying. You know he’s lying, he knows he’s lying, don’t demean yourself by second-guessing what you already know.

Anyonewhoknows · 07/08/2018 10:08

OP say goodbye to him just for the tantrums he is throwing. Find yourself a grown up man who can be honest with you. They are out there. Set your standards higher. Find someone who shares the same morals as you. Life is way too fucking short to settle for someone who makes you feel crap.

MMmomDD · 07/08/2018 10:09

OP - at 6mo - this relationship clearly isn’t working anymore.
Your are entitled to have your opinion and your issues.
But this dynamic isn’t healthy and there isn’t future.

As far as your partner looking at other women - everyone does. Leave the house and see other men, women. Attractive, toned, beautiful men and women everywhere around. And especially now - in the summer as we all wear barely nothing. Ask any man about the summer - and if they aren’t afraid to be honest - they’ll tell you that it’s not that far from the effects of porn....
So - OP - do what you want with the bf. But do - try to work on our insecurities, too

MargoLovebutter · 07/08/2018 10:19

I don't see the issue here as being about porn. We all have different things that bother us. The issue for me is:

You asked him not to do something you don't like

He gave lip service to your request and then continued to do it and in your own home, using your technology.

That's the issue for me. He completely disregarded your request and your feelings. That would be the deal breaker for me.

bionicnemonic · 07/08/2018 10:25

If you clicked on the page you orginally saw in history it would open it and log it again in the current history
It can get confusing, I can see it could have happened

Original poster
atacrossroads1990 · 07/08/2018 10:29

Bionic - I get that however it was the first few searches on the Wednesday morning. So this could have either been late Tuesday night (after midnight) or early Wednesday morning. But it doesn't give timestamps. There are a lot of searches, and a lot of hits. I could understand if it was maybe one hit, but it's several.

If anyone knows how to find out exactly when they were accessed I would be grateful. Googling is not doing much good!

OP posts:
PurpleTrilby · 07/08/2018 10:37

The lying and throwing a tantrum would be deal breakers for me. I will not deal with either of those things from a supposedly adult man who should respect me. Many men do not watch porn and many men do not lie to their partner, or throw tantrums (I mean WTF?). They are out there OP, good luck.

bionicnemonic · 07/08/2018 10:41

You could try this
discussions.apple.com/thread/7958461

Harpstrings · 07/08/2018 10:42

OP - would YOU enter someone else house, access their iPad, watch porn on it, deny it when caught, and try to convince them that another person did it (and ran away, presumably) and they were entirely in the wrong?
No? So why torture yourself?
He did it, he knows he did it, you know he did it. No further proof needed.
Porn, lying, gaslighting...For all these things, you need to get rid now.

Chippyway · 07/08/2018 10:58

You’re entitled to dislike porn. But you’re not entitled to expect him to stop watching it because of YOUR beliefs and thoughts on it

I’m a vegetarian however my partner isn’t. I wouldn’t expect him to stop eating meat just because of my own beliefs and thoughts towards it. It’s no different with you/him and porn.

He sounds lovely. Are you really gunna let the fact he had a wank over porn when he was horny and you were I’ll end this relationship?

I fail to see the problem.....

Chippyway · 07/08/2018 11:00

I just read he was kicking and screaming and denying it. Maybe he isn’t as lovely. But him watching porn when you can’t have sex shouldn’t have been a problem

PilarTernera · 07/08/2018 11:27

I don't think he sounds lovely. The kicking, screaming, crying and begging is manipulative behaviour.

You have only been together for six months. You are just getting to know each other. It doesn't sound like he is a suitable partner for you.

sophiec123 · 07/08/2018 11:41

I didn't mean to offend with the self esteem comment, however you can't really post on here and expect everybody to follow the same opinion.

You've asked if it's a dealbreaker and in my opinion no it isn't, unless there is some other reason you don't want to be with him. At the end of the day you've known each other 6 months and are having these issues. You can't control everything somebody does, and porn/masturbation is a natural thing. My partner smokes and no matter what I say or do he won't stop.

I don't agree with him lying to you, I think that's a cop out and he's being pathetic crying about it and should just own up, but at the end of the day he may just be doing that because he knows you don't agree with it and he also doesn't want to break up.

To me this is just a blip in your relationship, you've expressed that you don't like it, and yes he shouldn't have used your device to watch it. To me this wouldn't be a dealbreaker but to you it may be, just ask yourself if you ended it because of this would that be okay and would you come to regret your decision. If not then you know the answer x

mogratpineapple · 07/08/2018 12:30

The more you describe this the more it becomes a dealbreaker.

control H on my pc lists the history, date and time, but honestly, this relationship isn't for you.

And as someone gave the example of being vegetarian - I am too and would not marry someone who isn't veggie. If it's an important principle to you then don't compromise. You will never be happy. Even if he hides the evidence/denies it you will think about what he's up to behind your back. Dealbreaker. For you.