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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dealbreaker or not?

80 replies

atacrossroads1990 · 06/08/2018 16:22

Name changed for this.

Have been with my partner for 6 months. Due to a previous relationship where I was cheated on constantly, I had major trust issues in the beginning. He was really understanding and I have grown to trust him. Or so I thought.

A couple of months ago I went away on holiday and he stayed at my house to look after the dogs. When I returned, I noticed that he had been using my iPad (not a problem) to watch ridiculous amounts of porn...

I ummed and ahhed about asking him about it, spoke to friends who said it was quite normal etc and therefore I didn't confront him about it. I was still hugely uncomfortable about it but tried to forget about it.

Fastforward a few weeks, I couldn't keep the secret in and it had started affecting our previously very healthy sex life. So I told him what I had found and I explained why I was so against him watching porn (I understand that a lot of men do this, and a lot of wives/girlfriends are ok with it however I am really not).

He was really understanding, seemed mortified that he had upset me, and promised that he would never watch it again.

I have been really ill over the last week, off work, and since last Monday he has been round my house looking after me and basically being wonderful. Last night he tried to initiate sex and I turned him down, explaining that I still felt awful and I hoped he didn't mind. He was a little bit huffy about it but in a jovial way, we went to sleep and everything was fine.

This afternoon I was looking at my iPad trying to find a previous holiday destination search for my mum and saw that he had been looking at porn on my iPad early last Wednesday morning whilst I was still asleep.

He has been completely wonderful all week with me, but I feel sickened that whilst I was laying in my bed asleep and ill, he snuck out of the room and used my iPad to watch porn knowing exactly how I feel about it.

It's not even so much about the porn this time (although that is still upsetting), it's the fact that he has lied and has been sneaking around behind my back.

I'm concerned that he has just completely disregarded my feelings surrounding it. I know I am going to have to confront him tonight about it but I really don't know where to go from here.

Any advice would be great.

OP posts:

Original poster

atacrossroads1990 · 07/08/2018 13:43

Thanks all.

I have called it a day with him. He just asked to see me, so I went and met him. It turned into a huge argument. He is still begging and pleading and ringing me and swearing blind it wasn't him.

It doesn't change the fact that the facts are there in black and white. Him saying "I don't know how it got there" when asked for an explanation, and also saying that "I would believe you if it was the other way around" were the final nails in the coffin for me.

I am totally heartbroken but I can't see any other way forward with this. Thank you to those of you that took the time to reply to me, I appreciate it.

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 07/08/2018 14:06

I think it’s a case very often that when the porn issue rears it’s head and is lied about, it can often be the final death knell on top of other stuff, everyone has a straw that breaks the camels back and if the relationship was perfect then the porn wouldn’t seem like the final disrespect.

LeftRightCentre · 07/08/2018 14:16

It would be a dealbreaker for me, too, and the lying especially.

Flightbite · 07/08/2018 14:43

At the end of the day if it's a deal breaker then it is. You've made your decision and actually I admire you for that.

It wouldn't be the porn watching for me, it's the lying! Also so dim not being able to cover his tracks.....careless or stupid?

MargoLovebutter · 07/08/2018 15:10

atacrossroads1990 - I think you did the right thing. Sorry that it came to that though.

Porridgeprincess · 07/08/2018 15:29

You are obviously not compatible. This is a big deal breaker for you and he has a different opinion of it. There is nothing wrong with watching porn in some people's eyes and it is a dealbreaker in anothers

So now that you know that he likes to watch porn and uses it as a release if you are away or turn him down are you going to insist that he does not do this if he wants to be with you? He is a grown ass man, he should be able to do this without his partner freaking out.

Therefore , not compatible,

Porridgeprincess · 07/08/2018 15:30

Ah cross posted...I think you did the right thing there

Original poster

atacrossroads1990 · 07/08/2018 15:33

Thank you for the support.

It's definitely over and will continue to be over unless he can by some miracle come up with an explanation why those searches are there. I am not an idiot.

He is still attempting to call and is texting and protesting his innocence. Swearing on everyone's lives - he's almost desperate, even told me to call the wifi company to see if they can prove him right.

But it's there!! On the history and in black and white.

The only people in my house were him and I. The iPad didn't leave the house.

Why am I still wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt? Aggghh!

OP posts:

PilarTernera · 07/08/2018 16:33

He is still attempting to call and is texting and protesting his innocence.

To me, this actually proves that you made the right decision. You told him it's over. He tries to pester you into having a relationship with him. And he thinks that's attractive?

It's not only the porn that is the problem. (Though if porn is a dealbreaker for you, that's fine.) He is incapable of dealing with conflict like a mature adult.

delphguelph · 07/08/2018 16:36

Well rid, OP.

Move on. Swiftly.

RedPanda2 · 07/08/2018 16:47

Are you upset about the porn or about him masturbating? Everyone masturbates. It's perfectly healthy.
If you are worried he fancies other women then that is your problem to sort out, not his.

Whocansay · 07/08/2018 17:06

You are incompatible. I think you made the right choice.

I can't bring myself to get that worked up about porn, but it's a dealbreaker for you, and he knew that, so that is what matters.

But I certainly wouldn't like the lies, excuses and the fact he's too dumb to cover his tracks.

And he's now trying to gaslight you. He's an arsehole.

mogratpineapple · 07/08/2018 17:36

@RedPanda2 - it is the problem of the op and she HAS sorted it out. She's got rid.

Flightbite · 07/08/2018 18:01

@RedPanda2 does that give him the right to lie as well?

RedPanda2 · 07/08/2018 18:12

No he should not have lied. That's a relationship killer.

Sparkles1992 · 07/08/2018 19:16

You've done the right thing

HollowTalk · 07/08/2018 19:21

What made you dump that crying, foot-stamping wanker?

Furx · 07/08/2018 19:53

Regardless of your opinion on porn, the lying bullshit is a dealbreaker.

The OP is entitled to her opinion on porn, she stated it clearly, he agreed.

He had the chance to say he disagreed with her stance. But he didn’t.

THEN he lied about looking. In the way a 5 year old would lie... a big boy did it and ran away.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 07/08/2018 21:44

He can’t take “no” for an answer.
Well done on preserving your boundaries.

Furx · 07/08/2018 21:57

hollow. That made me proper 🤣

HollowTalk · 08/08/2018 00:35

dragonflyflew · 08/08/2018 00:54

I just think it's disgusting and disrespectful to me. I do feel as though it is cheating. I know many, many people don't have this view but for me, I just really dislike it and it makes me feel sick to think that my partner enjoys looking at other women.

Tbf op, many, many women do feel this way but we've been conditioned to feel bad expressing those feelings.
It's been 'uncool' for such a long time to question it and people want to look 'mature' , easy going, cool and liberal.
My exh's love of porn wrecked my marriage and I divorced because of it.
It doesn't go away and you are in a very new relationship and it's already causing problems.
I used to enjoy porn myself and prior to the headfuck of my marriage and researching more about the porn industry I'd have happily watched with him. But he did it in complete secrecy PLUS refused to engage with me in anything other than occasional silent missionary.
Some other tricky stuff came up and in the end we split.
When people probed me (no pun intended) for reasons why I ended the marriage, nobody could believe or accept that porn played a huge part in my decision.
Lots of women confided that they hate it but also very much a 'boys will be boys' attitude and that I was an uptight prude.
I'm really not at all. I love sex and all its variations!

dragonflyflew · 08/08/2018 01:01

anyonewhoknows
My biggest wake up call was when my marriage broke up (sad sap that I was I put it on fb) and suddenly loads of supposedly happy married men came out of the woodwork admitting they were looking for no strings fun, and they all said it was just a release for them Just Like Porn. Yep, your lovely men who in the community, at football, in the shops, at school, were oh so committed sent the filthiest photos and messages they could, as soon as they could. When I was at my most vulnerable. Men you would never suspect

This ^^ happened to me too and still does occasionally. It's really sad and not in the least bit flattering.
I've often been tempted to screenshot the messages and send to unsuspecting wives/partners but I have a lot on my plate and don't need anyone else's drama.
I kind of convince myself that their wives must have some inkling but having read a lot on here, maybe they don't 😒
I also know a lot of women who do it too.
I also know of many couples where the innocent party puts up with any amount of shit just to maintain the status quo.

Justgettothepoint · 08/08/2018 01:10

For a kickoff change your password. The porn wouldn't bother me the lying would. Sounds like he will continue to watch even if you ask him not to. If it affects you and yr sex life that much then only you know what you need to do.

Ventiamore · 08/08/2018 01:15

I think you made the right decision OP. I'm not even sure it was about the porn, more about the fact that he lied to you, said what he thought you wanted to hear, then carried on doing what he wanted anyway. So - honesty and trust. Which he wasn't capable of. And that probably wouldn't be the only time. As with pp ^, as soon as a bitch my then bf was interested in became single, he jumped at the chance to start sleeping with her behind my back (she knew we were together). He'd also said the same things about porn. So you've done the best thing in breaking up with someone you can't trust, before the issues become bigger.

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